


Who You're Meant to Be

by idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec (GoodFinderBadger)



Category: Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 03:32:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 15
Words: 108,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5728090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodFinderBadger/pseuds/idontwanttheworld-iwantmalec
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alec Lightwood has had a complicated life so far. He was given up by his parents before he ever got to know them. This caused him to live a life of fear, anguish, and never belonging until he met Magnus Bane. After nine years of a steady life he is again thrown into chaos making new discoveries about himself, his past, and the life he's known. Malec. AU. All Human</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Who You're Meant to Be](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8324896) by [CamSanders](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CamSanders/pseuds/CamSanders)



> Author's note: Hello again everyone! It's been awhile since I've posted a fic and this one is promising to be my longest one yet. So this one has a bit of a different set up than usual so let me clarify a few things going on. So this is loosely based on Gilmore Girls, very loosely. Magnus is a guardian to Alec and they are about nine years apart in age. This is quite the gap but I don't think it's gotten to gross level according to me. This will be a Malec story in the end if you didn't already guess just to warn everyone. Jace has quite a different background in this one. He is raised by Will and Jem. Will does refer to Jace as his son even if it's not biological. His sister is actually Jace's mother but she couldn't take care of him so young so Will took him.
> 
> TW: Jem does have cancer so if this bothers anyone or brings up bad thoughts or memories I thought I'd give a fair warning now. Other triggers for this story that I know will come up are mentions of past abuse and emotional abuse is ahead (not between the boys so dont' worry)
> 
> This was really long but I just thought I'd clarify a bit as much as possible before you guys start reading and get confused as hell. Thank you for reading and I truly hope you enjoy my next adventure I'm taking these boys on. Please review if you have time and feel inclined because I love hearing from you!

"Please, please be in a good mood," Alec muttered as he took a deep breath on his front porch with his hands trembling. He had no idea what reason he had to be nervous. By any account the letter burning a hole in his pocket was a wonderful thing and there was every chance it would result in a nice dinner. There was also a chance it would only result in a begrudging acceptance and a few awkward weeks. The third option that it was still a wonderful thing, but a wonderful thing he simply couldn't have. It wasn't as if they had tons of money left over and he was asking a lot.

"Darling, is that you?" The rich voice rang from their kitchen and Alec tried to make himself relax and remind himself that the owner of the voice loved him, completely and wasn't about to over react.

At least he hoped.

"Hi Magnus!" Alec called as he set his bag down on the couch and toed off his shoes. He ran a hand through his hair before shuffling into the kitchen where Magnus was munching on some pizza while flipping through the mail. He must have only gotten home moments before Alec himself had judging by the fact he still had his work uniform on with his tie undone and his shirt halfway unbuttoned.

"There's pizza here if you want a snack. No idea what we're doing for dinner." Magnus told him as he eyed the younger man. "How was your hike? Did you enjoy getting all sweaty and gross?"

"It was good," Alec said, trying to hide a smirk at Magnus's obvious distaste for any physical activity, especially if that activity was an outdoor one. "Jace nearly died but that's not really anything new." With the mention of his best friend a slight tension fell over the room and the letter burned again where it was folded in his back pocket. Magnus never cared for Jace, ever since the two of them had only been kids. Jace was a reckless rebel by pure definition of those words. He lived life on the complete edge and dragged Alec on more than one adventure and as they got older the adventures got progressively more dangerous and more than once he had found himself in quite a bit of trouble on the blonde's account. Alec loved Jace as a brother and found a kindred spirit besides their apparent opposite natures.

"Right, well then hearing that I'm glad to find you in one piece." Magnus tossed a crust back into the box which Alec picked up and nibbled on as the knots twisted tighter in his stomach. He knew he had to just tell Magnus about the letter because it was already almost too late and there was a lot to figure out before Monday morning. If he had any chance of going to Idris with Jace he had to act today as his best friend had not so kindly reminded him this afternoon on their hike through the woods. "What is that blonde idiot doing for school this year anyways? Will never told me what they had decided."

"Well," Alec began as Magnus opened the perfect segue to what he wanted to talk about. "he actually managed to get accepted into Idris."

"Seriously?" Magnus paused mid stretch and his arms fell with a flop to his sides as he stared in disbelief. "Like the private school Idris?"

"The one and only," Alec said with a tongue that felt like sandpaper. He stumbled to the sink and blushed as Magnus examined him with his sharp green gaze as he always did. Magnus was the only person who could always see through him completely with Jace being a close second. He grabbed a glass with shaking hands and it slipped through his fingers to smash on the floor at his feet. He stood completely frozen in horror and only sprung into action when Magnus cursed and went to get the broom. He knelt down to pick up the larger pieces and was stopped by a clatter and warm hands on his wrists. His eyes snapped up to meet golden green and he knew his anxiety had been found out.

"Come over here and tell me what's wrong with you," Magnus said gently as he tugged Alec carefully over the glass and over to the sofa. Alec immediately curled into a corner of it with his back firmly pressed into the corner where back and armrest met. The previously annoyed eyes held only concern as Magnus sat on the cushion next to him and laid a tender hand on his calf while rubbing gently up and down to soothe his agitation. Alec had terrible anxiety problems and he got worked up about the most ridiculous things (which Magnus never called ridiculous but Alec wasn't stupid) but normally around the older man it wasn't as bad. He had been living with Magnus for eight years now and he was still afraid to ask for what he truly wanted, always afraid it would be the one thing that was simply too much to ask and he would be off to a different home to try and pick himself up again. He didn't think he'd ever get better than Magnus if he was honest with himself.

"Magnus..." Alec began but his voice trailed off hopelessly as the words just wouldn't form.

"I felt something was coming. You've been on edge for a few days," Magnus mused softly as he waited for Alec to speak. "You know you can tell me anything." When Alec still was silent Magnus was reduced to guessing what was bothering his young charge. "Are you upset Jace is switching schools? You'll still see him after school and the weekends darling, he isn't going to another planet. You can take this as a chance to make a few new friends before you graduate."

"No," Alec muttered as he laid his head against his knees. This was the worst way he could start any of this. Magnus was only about to see this as his pathetic attempt to follow Jace which wasn't all of it. It was true Jace had goaded him into applying back in May but Alec did desperately want to go to the most prestigious school in the state. It was going to do wonders for his chances to get into NYU or any other credible school. This was going completely wrong, as most things did for him. "I got into Idris Magnus. I got in with Jace." Now he waited for the blow to fall.

"You applied to a school without even talking to me first?" The hand fell from it's rubbing and Alec felt it's loss keenly. Magnus ran a hand through his hair and laid back against the plush cushions on the back of the sofa. . The subject was already a sore one and now it was about to get worse. Alec looked down to pick a hole in his sleeve as he attempted to make it seem less dastardly than it was.

"I didn't honestly think I would get in. I didn't think they'd ever want a street rat who was behind a year as it was. Jace just wanted me to try so we could finish high school together." Magnus sighed and rubbed his face one last time before turning to face Alec once again. Alec couldn't read his face and the knots hadn't lessened one bit and were steadily tightening instead. He never should have said anything, this wasn't worth it.

Then his mind wandered to Jace and everything they had been through in the last nine years. He thought of how Jace had helped him his first week in third grade when he had had one of his attacks at school because it was new and terrifying and everyone was making him feel like an idiot for being behind. He had had such a hard time adjusting and Jace had been there with a friendly shove and a laugh to tell him it wasn't all so bad. Jace had made sure he was tolerated in junior high school when Alec proved to have no gain in popularity even in a new school His best friend had made sure he didn't fail in English time and again as they sat on the phone revising until three in the morning among jokes and finding new music to listen to. Jace may smoke and have gotten caught drinking underage more than once but he was the best friend he could have asked for and Alec was ready to put up a fight to keep them together. He had never had a friend before Jace, had never stayed in one place long enough, and he wasn't letting it go.

"Has it ever occurred to you Jace may not be the best person to be following around?" His guardian's words were not meant in the way his classmate's were when they teased him for following Jace around like a shadow but Alec was so fed up with that jibe it put him immediately on the defensive.

"Did it ever occur to you I just wanted to finish school with the only friend I have?" He felt heat flooding his cheeks and he shoved his shaking hands under his butt to keep them hidden.

"Alec you could so easily make new friends. You're smart and have a lot to offer. I just don't think Jace is going anywhere good. You know why he got expelled last spring." Alec's world froze as Magnus brought up that terrible day that he had thought they were through with. It was the worst fight he had ever had with his guardian and it had once again concerned Jace Herondale. Every word Magnus was saying was sending him into more of a frenzy either intentionally or unintentionally and he had to get out of there. He sprang off the couch and shoved his feet into his shoes.

"You know exactly what happened with that! It was for Jem, all of it! I can't believe you would bring this up again!" He grabbed his jacket and put it on while spotting Magnus folding his arms and trying to hold back his anger and irritation.

"C'mon Alexander, do you really believe that?" Alec tried to calm his mind but the things Magnus was trying to imply about Jace was making him lose his sense completely.

"What, you don't believe Jem has cancer? Or you just don't believe Jace is capable of anything good?" Alec bit out with his hand on the doorknob. Magnus rolled his eyes and ran a hand through his hair yet again.

"I know very well that James is sick, very sick. It's just that when a kid like Jace is caught with that much weed in his locker and tries to play off a sob story it was all for his guardian. It just doesn't sit right with Will or myself. Jace barely escaped going to a detention center."

"You don't know Jace at all," was all Alec could say as he tried to stop the pounding of his heart that had gotten nearly painful by now. He hated fighting with Magnus and it hardly happened but when it did it was often loud, awful, and hurtful. "Jem being sick has completely torn him apart. It wasn't smart what he did but he didn't know what else to do! You don't get to judge what he did. You have no idea what it's like to be that desperate."

"And you do?" Magnus asked while keeping their gazes locked.

"I would have done that same for you." The tension in the room was at a breaking point between the two of them and Alec's urge to run was not to be ignored any longer. He wrenched the door open again and strode down the busy New York streets.

MBALMBALMBAL

When the phone rang Will Herondale was not surprised in the least.

Alec had appeared at their door not even an hour ago visibly upset and had disappeared upstairs with Jace. The two boys were thicker than thieves and Will knew Jace would make Alec okay again. Alec was a good friend for his son and Will was grateful the kid was around.

Jace was going through a hard time, a very hard time and Will was more than a little worried about him. Jem being diagnosed with cancer last spring hadn't been easy on any of them. He had taken his husband in for what he thought might have been appendicitis. The middle of the night emergency room visit revealed that while his appendix was indeed inflamed there was also much more serious problems at work. They had left with the news that James had pancreatic cancer in stage two and worsening quickly. Will remembered the Saturday morning he had sat Jace down to tell him the truth. He remembered the unique pale shade the younger man had gone and the trembling in his hands Will had never seen before. Jem and Jace had butted heads more than once over his unsavory habits and late night outings. That far from meant that Jace didn't care about Jem more than just about anyone in the entire world.

Will had thought Jace was dealing with things alright after a few weeks. Jace had seemed calm and was finishing the year decently enough. Then had come the call from the school office last May that had shattered Jace's fine illusion into a thousand pieces. Jace had been found to have a bundle of weed in his locker. Drug possession was immediate grounds for expulsion and so they had gone through that shocking process as well as all sorts of legal issues. They had been charged a large fine and Jace had been spending the summer in community service at their local red cross volunteering. He'd never forget that night Jace had finally told him why he had had the drugs in the first place.

"Get in," Will could hear his sharp tone and winced as Jace stiffened as he climbed into their SUV. James was the one that normally picked Jace up from the Red Cross but today he had an appointment with the oncologist. Jace wouldn't meet his sharp gaze as he dropped his bag at his feet and looked despondently out the window. Will took a moment to take in the bags under his son's eyes and the golden blonde that belonged to his birth father that he'd only met once on the occasion of attempting to bash his head against a brick wall. Jace was his nephew that he had raised since birth. Cecily had gotten caught up with a bad crowd and an even worse boyfriend winding up with a child. That had been hell for their family and since Will had been stable enough with his boyfriend James Carstairs they had taken the tiny child in to raise as their own. He considered Jace his son for all rights and purposes. "When we get home you need to mow the lawn and help me clean out the spare room. James wants it done when his parents come visit."

"Seriously?" He heard Jace mutter softly and felt his grip tighten on the wheel.

"Don't test my patience today Jace. I don't want to hear a sound about how you're tired. You got yourself into this situation by being a complete idiot. You're going to help me and you aren't going to damn well complain about it. Jem is going to be exhausted tonight and I don't want him worrying about the lawn or his parents visiting." Jace was only silent once James was brought up and stared out the window forlornly.

It had been an hour later when Will had finally took the lock off Pandora's' box and let loose on what none of them had spoken about since Jace had gotten expelled. He had found the young teen lying on his bed with his eyes closed when he had asked him to start the lawn an hour ago before it started to get dark. He had gone upstairs to shower and start on the spare room before returning to find evening quickly approaching and the lawn just as long as it had been this morning.

"So, what happened to the lawn, Jace?" The teen snapped upright at his harsh tone and his golden eyes were filled with trepidation.

"I was bloody tired, alright?" Will grit his teeth and struggled not to completely lose his temper.

"We're all tired Jace and the stunt you pulled only made it all worse. I'll make you mow that lawn with a flashlight if I have to."

"I love how you never even asked why it was I had weed in the first place." Jace snapped as he put on a different shirt. Will frowned and folded his arms tightly.

"You had it because you're a complete idiot who ignored everything I've ever taught you. Don't think I haven't noticed you've been going through withdrawal the last few weeks. I don't feel bad for you in the slightest. Where the hell do you think you're going to finish high school now? Do you expect us to move for you? Your father is sick and instead of manning up and helping you decide to be an immature idiot! You only escaped a detention center because Jem asked me not to. He wanted you to get better here with us." Jace had frozen half way through his rant and simply stared at him with a blank expression on his chiseled features. The fading light played off his blonde hair and created shadows that made Will consider he might have said the wrong thing.

"Withdrawal? You think I'm going through withdrawal? Seriously? I haven't-" Jace's words cut off and Will watched as his adam's apple bobbed in a manner that was most unusual. Will hadn't seen Jace cry since he was a small boy. When he broke his arm at thirteen the most reaction he ever got was a few swear words and a harshly bitten lip. When the first drops of moisture rolled down the sides of his nose Will felt as if he'd been stabbed in the chest a half dozen times. "I haven't been sleeping or eating because I don't know how to cope with it. I've just been exhausted and shaky because every time I close my eyes I just see Jem d-" The teen's words were cut short again and Will wanted to move but found himself completely frozen "The drugs were for Jem."

"W-what? You got weed for..." Will was speechless as he took a step towards his son. Jace nodded and wouldn't look at him.

"I heard you were thinking of petitioning for the medical use and you know it's next to impossible to get so when I heard of a kid selling some I bought it. If it would help Jem in any way it would be worth anything. None of it was ever for me." Jace had his arms wrapped around his middle and was looking miserably at the floor. Will finally found his feet again as he moved to fold Jace in his arms. Jace remained stiff until Will raised a hand to cup the back of his neck gently. He worked his fingers against Jace's scalp as the teen buried his face in the older man's shoulder. The sobs were broken and weeks in coming and Will felt like an idiot for assuming the worst. Jace was narcissistic most of the time, but Will knew he head a good heart and that he loved the two of them unconditionally.

"God, Jace I'm so sorry," Will whispered against his hair as Jace let himself be tucked under his chin and held close. The sobs had been cut off but Will still felt tears rolling steadily against his neck. Jace wrapped his arms around his waist in return and shook his head.

"You don't have to be sorry. What else were you supposed to assume?" Will took Jace by the shoulders and looked at him steadily.

"I should have asked. I know you're a good kid Jace, I know it and still decided to believe the worst." Will raised hands to wipe at the tears falling. "Listen to me, we're not going to lose Jem. We have excellent doctors and we're going to fight like hell. You know I won't give him up without one hell of a fight." Jace nodded with his face crumpled and his cheeks stained red. He hadn't made a sound since the tears had truly started.

"What if we lose him? What if we can't beat it? He looks so sick Will..." Will felt his heart breaking as he had in the emergency room holding Jem's hand between his own and struggling to breathe himself. How could he have not even talked to Jace about any of this? How could he believe Jace was okay with any of this? Jace was losing a father and no one could possibly be okay with that. He cupped the pale face in his palms and made Jace meet his eyes at last. Jace looked exhausted and Will made a note to make sure he got some decent sleep tonight.

"It's going to be okay." Jace made a disbelieving noise and tried to look away but Will firmly nudged him to keep his gaze. "Fine, I can't promise James is going to make it through this but I can promise you that we'll get through it. We love you Jace, and with that we can get through anything. I really think we have a chance of all of this turning out okay." Will paused and moved one hand to again tangle in blonde hair. "Don't do this Jace. Don't spiral off into yourself and do something reckless. Talk to me about all of this. I've always been straight with you Jace, and I don't plan on that changing. I love you, you hear me?" Jace nodded and collapsed into Will's chest for a moment before pulling away completely and shuffling to find his shoes. Will sighed an felt his resolve to work Jace to death fade.

"Just go get in the shower before dinner." Will reached out to ruffle his hair before going into the kitchen to make dinner.

Will snatched up the phone on the second ring with a glance at James sleeping on their sofa. He shifted a bit but thankfully didn't wake as he stepped outside on the back porch while closing the screen door slowly behind him.

"Hello Magnus." A light chuckle came over the line.

"Is Alec there then I'm assuming?" Will heard the tangible regret in his tone and knew they must have had a fight.

"Yeah, he's here upstairs with Jace. He was pretty upset Mags. You two had a fight?" He slowly sat with his feet dangling off the porch and picked at the overgrown weeds.

"Something like that. Did you know Alec applied to Idris?"

"Yes," Will said slowly. "You didn't? I thought Alec had told you months ago. He normally tells you everything."

"I guess he's entering the awkward, slightly rebellious teenage phase or something. He hasn't told me anything all summer. Don't act like Jace is much better."

"No,Jace has as many secrets as any of them I know."

"So, how is James?" Will let out a long sigh at the loaded question and wasn't quite sure how to even answer. Was someone with cancer ever really okay? James happened to be home for a while and seemed mostly like himself but there was the knowledge that his body was trying to destroy itself with the help of drugs that were meant to be helping.

"James is..." Will trailed off as his stomach knotted painfully only thinking about all of it. "Jem is as well as he can be. Chemo is rough on him, but he's in good spirits and we have an appointment next week to see how it's going." He could feel Magnus's sympathy oozing over the line and desperately knew he had to change the subject. "So, are you really upset about Idris? I'm amazed we ever got Jace in, but it's a fantastic school. Alec will do amazing there."

"I don't know I guess it's more the fact he didn't breathe a word of it to me until now. I just hate him keeping secrets from me." Magnus sighed loudly and Will could definitely relate. "Alright, well I'm going to be over soon to pick up Alec and try and make him at least speak to me. See you soon?"

"Bye Mags, make sure you bring some good bargaining chips." Will hung up the phone and simply gazed out onto the street below.


	2. Chapter 2

There was a light drizzle dropping onto New York City on Alec's first day at Idris Academy. He was nervous beyond anything he had ever known. He was more than used to New York's public school system of diverse kids with even more diverse backgrounds. He had gotten used to drugs passing between classes and graffiti on bathroom walls. He was used to teachers being sub par most of the time with the occasional gem shining through to teach them all something important. This school, however, was bound to be quite different

He went through a mental list of everything he had in his backpack, packed the night before, and only hoped he didn't forget anything too important. He still wasn't on the best of terms with Magnus, and by the Angel he really needed to be. He needed his mega-watt smile and cheesy words of support. He just needed to remember that one person thought he was worth the world when it was evident no one in his new school was about to think he was worth much of anything. He just didn't know how to say any of that to his guardian.

Magnus was sitting next to him in the driver's seat clad in his usual loud, outspoken manner. He had on skinny jeans accompanied by a belt with more than a few studs on it topped with a black t-shirt with "Fabulous" on it in gemstones. The leather jacket was his favorite item of clothing he wore constantly except in the dead of winter. The jacket was from Alec three years ago and it always made him glad to see Magnus wearing it. Alec loved him more than he could ever say out loud. Magnus had saved him in nearly every way a person could be saved.

Before he had met the sparkly, eccentric, caring man in his twenties Alec had been in a very bad place. Even at nine he couldn't kid himself into thinking his living situation was alright. His parents had given him up to the foster system when he was born and since then he had always bounced around from home to home. He just had always had something missing to the family that took him in. He didn't trust anyone and hardly spoke before he had met Magnus, who had been the one to keep on talking until Alec finally gave up his silence. He was so shy he hardly asked questions in school and coupled with the fact he moved numerous times during a school year he was horribly behind. He had the anxiety problems that were as evident as ever once he got the slightest bit nervous. When he had been younger he had had sever attachment problems, tagging along with his guardian when he wasn't wanted, and getting very upset left alone. Looking back, Alec could hardly blame half the families for tossing him out as soon as they could.

Then he had met Magnus through a big brother program. Magnus had only been eighteen at the time, but to a nine year old he was everything. He took Alec out for ice cream twice a week and helped him with his homework more often than not. He didn't mind the afternoon Alec found him with his friends at the mall and instead bought him a soda, letting him tag along. He didn't mind when Alec brought him in for show and tell saying he was "the best thing that's ever been mine." When the school year ended Alec could never remember feeling such heartbreak at losing Magnus as the program came to a close.

When Magnus showed up the Saturday morning after school let out to take him for ice cream as usual Alec knew Magnus was a permanent thing like nothing he had ever known before. This was when things got a bit hairy in the story.

His foster father didn't care for Magnus in the least bit. He didn't like the people Magnus had for friends or that he was a trendy hair stylist instead of a "respectable job." He hated that Magnus liked other men. He quickly forbid Alec to see him after school let out. However, these were things he had come to accept quickly about the person he loved most in the world.

Long story short, when this set had decided to take him back to foster care he had run for hours around the city to find Magnus and when he had found him soaking wet and crying the older man had worked endlessly to gain custody of him. It hadn't been easy since Magnus didn't make a whole lot of money and was barely a decade older than Alec but in the end everything had worked out.

It had been an uphill road nearly from the very start, and Alec fervently hoped Magnus would agree it had been worth ever last step.

They turned off the main road at last to drive the last few miles before they would reach the school. Alec clutched the straps of his bag until his knuckles were white and tried to tell himself this was going to go well. He only wished he could earnestly believe it. Magnus pulled into a parking spot and sat back to look at him. Alec felt himself calm a bit as familiar green eyes met his own, soft, understanding, and with a hint of laughter in them as usual. He tried to muster up a grin, but only felt it become real when Magnus let one unfold across his face, bright and brilliant. He raised a hand to run over Alec's pale cheek softly.

"Show them what you got, sweet pea." Alec flushed slightly even as his heart swelled with warmth. He normally hated the old nickname and berated Magnus every time he used it. This morning it felt strangely comforting instead of annoying, especially after the fight they had only a few days ago. "You'll do great."

"Thanks," Alec said softly as he spared a glance to the forboding structure of Idris looming over them. He opened the door and got one foot out of the car before looking back. "See you after?"

"I'll be here," Magnus confirmed with a smile before his brow wrinkled and he seemed to reconsider. "Or it may be Ragnor, but I will try."

"Make it Catarina at least." Alec said with his nose wrinkled as he closed the car door. He waved as he set off towards the front doors of the Academy. He felt the nerves come back for a moment before he spotted the familiar blazing red of Will's car. He felt a grin form as he spotted the bright blonde of his best friend emerging with two coffees in hand. Magnus wasn't fond of the way he inhaled coffee like it was water and on early mornings Jace was often his supplier, especially on the days Will drove him.

"God, I'm not ready for these pompous assholes," Jace grumbled as he handed a coffee over to Alec. He took a tentative sip and grinned as it was made perfectly. Jace was the only person who knew exactly how he took his coffee. Magnus may have if he cared any about coffee.

"They surely can't all be awful." Alec argued, even if he privately thought Jace might be very much correct in his assumptions.

"Um, you have met the upper class of New York haven't you? Magnus runs that fancy salon so at least some of them must be rich." Alec laughed as he thought of the many unpleasant customers he had heard about and met in person. Most of them were either completely insane or frightfully unpleasant.

"Yeah but these are people who are half that age. We just have to act like we kind of belong here." Alec tried to convince himself of this as well as they passed the gleaming halls with towering, gleaming lockers lining them.

In short order they got their class and locker assignments from a very distracted receptionist and were greeted by a counselor who seemed normal enough. His grin was a bit phony to be welcoming, but Alec supposed everyone had their faults. He was grateful his locker was across from Jace, but that's about where their similarities ended. They had their last class together, which was English, and that was it. Alec had gym when Jace had lunch while Jace had calculus when Alec had lunch. He normally skived gym all together, but this school might be a bit more strict about class attendance. At their old school you got out as much as you put into it, but there were plenty of loopholes to get out of just about anything. The rule book as thick as a short textbook indicated this place was quite different.

"Hey, did you see this?" Jace asked him as they headed in the direction of Alec's homeroom. "It says here that every student is required to be in one extracurricular activity. We're so screwed." Alec snatched the book from him to scan it himself. There in black and white stated that Jace was right.

"You have got to be joking. What the hell are we going to sign up for?" Jace shook his head in bewilderment.

"Anything but sports? You can't catch any kind of ball without damaging something and I'm not about to run around here all sweaty unless I have to. Then again we can't be losers and sign up for anything completely stupid either." Alec sighed and shifted his bag higher on his shoulder as he arrived outside his assigned room.

"Well, track might be okay? All we'd have to do is run around a track. Or maybe cross country since track has all that jumping crap. " Jace laughed and shook his head as he turned to walk backwards a few steps.

"Yeah, we all know you can run all of about ten feet before dying." Alec blushed lightly and waved at Jace before he entered the classroom. Upon walking in he was immediately a bit intimidated by how nice the classroom was. Everything was gleaming and new with high tech smart boards at the front of the room. Every desk gleamed unbroken and not one surface scratched or grooved. He was afraid to touch anything at all as he glanced over the seating chart and found the accommodating seat near the back. The boy already seated next to him was writing away in a notebook and while his uniform was neat and orderly Alec was pretty sure he saw a red t-shirt under his button down. Maybe this wasn't going to be too bad then.

He silently slid into his seat and wasn't sure what to do. Everyone else was talking to catch up on summer activities or busy like the boy next to him with their own personal project. He brought out a book after a few minutes and tried to bury any nerves in the written pages in front of him.

"Are you reading that for fun?" The boy next to him asked with a pinched look as he caught a glimpse of the cover. Alec started at being interrupted and took a moment to realize he was being spoken to after all. He was used to being generally overlooked by everyone else.

"It's 1984 by George Orwell." Alec said genuinely confused. "It's honestly a great book about a dystopian future. I've read it before but it's fascinating what you miss the first time." The blank look he got in return told him he'd said a bit too much and revealed just how much of a nerd he was. Literature was his life and most people didn't understand it. If you let him he could go on about any particular book for hours on end.

"I read that last year for a paper." The boy finally answered, still eying the book with great distaste. "Maybe the paper is what ruined it for me. Either way if I never ever came close to that book again in my entire life I'd be completely okay with that. It was a bitch of a paper." The boy looked away for a moment before grinning a bit as he looked back. "I'm Simon Lewis. I take it you're new here? Going into senior year you know most everyone in this school."

"I'm Alec," He offered his hand a bit awkwardly to shake. "It's my first day here. I'm a complete book nerd and I'm aware it's not normal."

"Can't be as bad as an art obsession. When Clary talks sometimes I only understand half of what she says." The boy shook his head and was about to speak once more, presumably to explain just who Clary was, when his expression became a bit glazed and his attention was completely directed to the girl who had just entered the classroom. She was a gorgeous girl with flowing black hair down her back that swayed when she walked. Her heels clicked evenly as she made her way to the desk next to Alec and sat gracefully in the seat. She was dressed barely to uniform standards with her skirt borderline and her shirt riding up every time she so much as shifted. She glanced over Alec from head to foot with a bit of a smirk before catching sight of Simon behind him and with an eye roll she turned her attention to the boy behind her. Alec watched as she leaned over the desk to let her hair fall in a curtain while her shirt rode dangerously high in the back.

Simon was silent after that as the teacher came in with a cheerful demeanor and started to call roll. Alec got involved in his book once again and only snapped out of it when Simon answered his name in the affirmative.

"Lightwood, Alexander?" Alec flushed once more as most eyes glanced over at the unfamiliar name and whispers broke out. The girl finally took her attention to every male around her to focus on him once again with her eyes narrowed.

"Present," Alec replied, wishing fervently he wasn't once again the new kid. He had hated it as a kid moving schools all the time. He never got good at making new friends and convincing people he wasn't completely strange. The teacher glanced at him for a long moment before moving on to the girl next to him.

"Lightwood, Isabelle." Alec's gaze snapped to focus on her. It was a coincidence, it had to be. Lightwood wasn't all that common of a name it was true, but this girl was only a bit over a year younger than him at the most. His parents hadn't been able to keep him, so why would they keep her? He was jumping to far too many conclusions too quickly. Brown eyes met his as Isabelle kept his gaze for a moment before they both looked away.

Alec saw Simon in his first two classes and Isabelle in his third and lunch. He chose to eat in the courtyard since it was out of the way and less awkward. It seemed to be where most of the lonely kids went to eat since most of them were alone or with one other person at best. He sighed and got out his phone to text Magnus, his only friend at the moment.

Hey. He leaned back against the wall to wait and see if Magnus was busy or not. In all likelihood Magnus was swamped with customers and worker drama of all sorts. He managed one of the best salons in Brooklyn and always had at least ten problems going on any given day.

Hey darling! How is it? You like things? Alec started when his phone vibrated but couldn't help a grin when Magnus put him before work, though it shouldn't surprise him after so long.

Everything is ok. It's all so big and strange. Not used to the way rich kids live. Alec laid his head against the brick wall and soaked in what sunlight he could before afternoon classes started up. Three more to go before he was free to head home and back to where he belonged. He didn't dislike the prestigious Academy, but it was all a bit overwhelming all the same.

He opened his eyes at a peal of laughter across the yard to see Isabelle leaning against a wall with a cigarette dangling from her manicured fingers casually. She was talking to a boy next to her and not paying a bit of attention to Alec or anyone else in the yard. She seemed to be someone who was used to being center of attention and thrived in it.

And to think I thought we were related for a second. Alec shook his head and went back to his phone which had beeped in his absence.

Are you trying to tell me I don't provide for you? Alec rolled his eyes as he imagined the exact look donning his guardian's face.

Are you trying to tell me we're anywhere close to being upper class? The bell rang shrilly signaling the beginning of afternoon classes. Alec sighed as he gathered his books and headed past the group by the door. Isabelle lingered behind as he passed and fell into step beside him briefly.

"So, everyone has a hunch we're related. Are you from the area then? Lightwood isn't a common name in the city." Alec flushed at the unexpected attention and the fact that her attention seemed to draw everyone else's

"Yes, I grew up in Manhattan and Brooklyn." He got through it without a stutter and felt pleased until she stepped in front of him to look him over more closely. Alec sighed and stepped around her as politely as possible. "Trust me, there is no possible way the two of us are related."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Alec always did have a problem with delivery. He winced and turned to face the angry gaze he expected.

Your parents want and adore you, is what he desperately wanted to say to the privileged teen in front of him. He held his tongue on his thoughts and tried to smooth it over somewhat. The last thing he needed is this class queen to hate him the first day.

"It wasn't supposed to mean anything. I just don't think the time line would match up for me to have a sister your age. " She seemed to be appeased somewhat by his answer but still brushed harshly past him as she went on her way to the opposite end of the hall. Alec sighed and stared after her until he felt a hand on his shoulder.

"Getting the ice queen to hate you, good job Alec." He put a hand right in Jace's grinning face and shoved him away before heading into his math class. He tried to focus on the numbers and how simply each equation made so much sense and fit together, but he couldn't get the rumors Isabelle had mentioned out of his head. Was there a way they could be related?


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! Chapter three is here and I'm pretty happy with it. I know this is a bit of a slow start compared to my usual style but things all have to get set up for later on. Things will get good and complicated later you can count on it. I hope you'll stay patient with me and bear with it until a bit later. I'll try to include some Heronstairs time in the next chapter since for now they're only mentioned. Please please review with your thoughts and comments on what you'd like to see and what I'm not doing so well

The salon was buzzing with life as it usually did just about every afternoon Magnus could remember. There was always some occasion going on in the city with someone. There was a wedding, funeral, or some huge birthday party which caused people to come in and get pampered. New York City was always teeming with life and that's what made it an excellent place to have a salon.

"Mags, have you had lunch?" Magnus looked up from his computer where he was making out the schedule for the next week to see Catarina poking her head in around the corner. He grinned and waved her in as he saved what he had and shut down the program. He swept his glasses off his face and rubbed his eyes before turning to her.

"You read my mind, and please say you got me a caffeine fix?" She grinned and held up a tray of coffees in her other hand as she sat across from him. She shuffled through the paper bag before pulling out the largest burrito and handing it to her boss. Magnus could have moaned at how wonderful food tasted after a solid five hours of work.

"Any idea where Ragnor is? I got that idiot one as well." Magnus frowned and pulled the schedule up on his tablet for the day.

"He should be-"

"Cat, did you bring us food? You are such a wonderful woman." Ragnor sighed as he sat in the remaining empty chair and dug enthusiastically into the bag.

"That wasn't what you were saying this morning." Ragnor made a noise of indignation as he swallowed a large gulp of coffee.

"Okay, but you were taking forever with that old lady! If my ten thirty hadn't cancelled I would have been behind all day!"

"Oh, and you would have had to stay a few minutes over like the rest of us do?" She glared at the green haired man for a moment before sighing.

"Guys, can we just have ten minute work free zone? Please? Besides I really, really need some good conversation." Magnus begged them as he slowed down his rapid consumption and started to enjoy his lunch break. His two best friends had been this way since the beginning of time. When Magnus had hired Ragnor as one of his top stylists the second he became a partner Catarina had had to apply as well for a nail technician. They were fierce competitors, as well as they couldn't be apart very long. They had worked in the same salon after cosmetology school even after Magnus had left the duo to branch out on a wonderful offer. True, he had only taken it because he had recently acquired a nine year old boy who cost a lot more than he could have ever thought, and Alec was one of the cheap ones he was sure. Alec hardly ever asked for anything, except for the impossible of course. Idris was costing them way more than any budget he had ever had would have allowed.

"Good conversation? So, you still haven't patched things up with Alec then?" Cat asked. Magnus flushed and avoided her gaze as he carefully folded the foil wrap from his burrito and threw it in the bin under his desk. Everyone always knew when he was at odds with his young charge, and frankly it got embarrassing how dependent his mood was on it.

"Well, yeah kind of. Alec just doesn't talk much and when we're at odds he's quieter than usual. He takes a bit to warm up after a fight is all. I just miss having easy conversation I guess." Ragnor snorted and tossed his wrapper after Magnus's and leaned back in his chair.

"So, how are things going with Brian then?" Magnus grinned at that as he thought to the man he'd been seeing for a few weeks now. Brian Tempering was a sweet guy who had been a client for over a year now. Magnus hadn't meant to get into a relationship just now, but the way that boy bit his lip when he was thinking, and the way his smile looked when they flirted by the front counter was irresistible. He wasn't crazy about him just yet, but he was pleasant company and more than pleasant to look at. It got his friends off his back for the most part about his lack of a dating life.

"Things with Brian are okay. He's a sweet guy." Ragnor frowned a bit and studied him with sharp brown eyes. They had been friends for far too long, and Ragnor knew exactly what it was he wasn't explicitly saying.

"They'd probably be more than just okay if you'd bother to take him out on a proper date. Any guy gets tired of doing lunch after about a week or so. Why don't you come out with Raphael and I tonight? I got us into this great place and we might hit a bar or two after. You should take the guy out Magnus, if you want to keep him." Magnus sighed and knew Ragnor was more than a little right. He liked Brian, truly. They could talk about anything and things were just easy between them. There was definitely more than a few sparks to carry them past first base, which is as far as they'd gotten on their lunch outings.

"What would I tell Alec then?" Catarina made a noise of protest as she emptied the last of her coffee. She had been very quiet about the Brian situation, and Magnus had no idea if that was truly a good or a bad thing. She swept her blue hair to one side as she looked at him.

"Okay, I try not to get involved in all of this anymore because I really don't understand you half the time. Why can't you just tell him the truth? Alec is gay and more than old enough to handle the thought of you dating I think. I'm sure he'll get a boyfriend of his own one of these days. You have no reason to stay single for him Magnus. You're his guardian, that's it. Do you think he'll be upset about you dating for the first time in years?" Magnus bit his lip and broke his gaze away from her blue eyes as he figured out how to possibly explain why he simply hadn't told Alec when it all started weeks ago. Alec was his best friend, closer than even the two in the room with him, and had been for some time now. They did everything together more often than not, and yet there was something holding him back. He never wanted Alec to feel like he was replacing him in any way, nor was he looking for something more. Alec was more than enough for him in every way and he always wanted the young man to know that.

"I just don't know how Alec would take it." Magnus replied quietly as he avidly avoided looking at either of them.

"For fuck's sake!" Cat moved quickly as she shoved her chair to the side and stormed out into the salon to get ready for her next client. Magnus felt guilty for a moment before he got irritated instead. He stalked after her to the empty pedicure room. He stood directly behind her so she was forced to practically run into him as she stood from collecting towels. She bit her lip before turning her stubborn gaze to meet his.

"What is your problem with me not wanting to tell Alec? He's had a hard time of it and doesn't deal with change well at all. It's not that strange that I'm not all that excited to tell him about this." Magnus crossed his arms over his chest and waited for a proper answer. Catarina sighed and set the towels down on one of the massage chairs next to them. She tucked her hair behind one ear and glanced at him before she began to speak.

"Look, I'm sorry. You know Alec much better than I do. It's just that it seems so wrong that you're putting yet another guy on the back burner for a kid who's going to leave you. Alec is going to leave for college next fall whether you want to admit it or not." She took a deep breath and finally locked eyes with him for the last thing she had to say. "I also think you're a little bit in love with him."

Magnus was left completely speechless as he gaped at her for at least a full minute. Alec was his charge, nothing else. He had practically raised the kid himself. He had gotten Alec to stay in school and chased away nightmares. He had gotten Alec through the awkward hell that was middle school. He would never call Alec his son, but that didn't mean he felt anything sexual towards the boy.

"Are you trying to accuse me of having some sort of pedophile thing going on?!" Magnus struggled not to raise his voice as he demanded to know what exactly she meant.

"No!" Cat stood her ground even as her cheeks went faintly pink. "I'm not trying to imply you're a perv or anything. Being in love isn't always about sex Magnus, you know that. I'm saying he's the center of your whole world in a way that's not entirely normal for even a parent. Your entire mood and world revolves around Alexander. Maybe I'm completely wrong here because I don't have kids but I'd really like to see you try with Brian, or someone at all." She stalked around him and disappeared around the corner. Magnus sighed and ran a hand though his hair. Cat was his best friend, but she had to be wrong this time. He got out his phone and sent a text to his boyfriend. Maybe it was time he gave dating a true effort.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Magnus opened the door to his apartment with determination in his step. He was telling Alec today about Brian. It was time he got back into the dating game past the first date. Catarina was likely right in saying Alec wouldn't care, maybe even be happy for him. They were the best of friends, weren't they? He would expect Cat and Ragnor to be happy, so why not Alec? He saw the trail of Alec's bag, coat, and shoes to where he was on the couch half asleep. Magnus smiled and let his jacket join the pile on the couch and toed his shoes off to hit the wall with a pair of identical thumps. He stood in front of he couch eying the younger man critically with his head tilted at an awful angle.

"Haven't I told you what that will do to your neck, darling?" Magnus quipped as he lithely grabbed a pillow and lifted Alec's dead weight enough to slide underneath. Alec chose to ignore the pillow completely and rolled to nose his way deep into Magnus's stomach. Magnus smiled as he tangled a hand into the mop of hair gently to scratch his scalp. He had discovered how much Alec loved this long ago and it hadn't changed. "School that rough? You seem exhausted."

"People are exhausting," Alec mumbled against his stomach. He was quiet for a moment before he turned his head to the side to be heard a bit more clearly. "It wasn't so bad. I think I even made a friend, kind of. His name is Simon and I can tolerate him for more than ten minutes."

"That's quite the compliment coming from you." Magnus said choking back a laugh. Alec hit him playfully on his thigh as he turned to get more comfortable.

"Now that you're done mocking my people skills." Magnus honestly tried to look chagrined but judging by the look Alec threw him he failed miserably. "We have to join a extracurricular activity."

"You have to?" Magnus raised an eyebrow at this odd policy he had never heard of. "It's a mandatory thing? What are you going to do?"

"I have no clue!" Alec moaned a tad dramatically. "I can't do any sort of sports and I have no real talent beyond eating an absurd amount of take out which I learned from you. Why couldn't you ever teach me anything helpful like an instrument or art or something? Now I'm this talentless kid who has no idea what club to join."

"You were a bit busy keeping your head above water when you were supposed to be learning extras ." Magnus said with a fond smile. "So, any dinner thoughts?"

"Already ordered Indian from that place on the corner we like. Should be here in about fifteen." The quiet settled over them and something niggled inside that told him to just tell Alec and get it over with. He still wasn't sure what exactly he was dreading in the first place. The absolute worst that happened is that Alec wasn't crazy about it, but he'd warm up to a guy like Brian Magnus was sure. It would be alright, really. Now if he could only convince himself of that truth.

"So,we need to talk about something." The reaction was immediate since Alec knew him so well and knew his tone when a serious subject was coming up. He bolted upright, narrowly missing Magnus's head in the process, and turned to face his mentor, guardian, and best friend.

"Is it the money? I already applied to a few places around here to wait tables on the weekends. I'm so sorry I've asked you for so much money and I swear to you I will help in any way I can. This school is honestly amazing and I'll stop complaining I promise." Magnus was stunned into silence for a moment at the tumble of words, but really should have figured this sort of stuff would be on Alec's mind. He put a hand on the younger man's knee to get his attention and stop the slew of worries.

"Alexander,don't worry about any of that. Your only worry needs to be on acing this school and getting into college. I don't want you working until you're out of college if I can help it. Secondly, you're a teenager so it''d be honestly weird if you never complained adding to the fact you'd make me feel like an unsatisfactory human being for how much I complain about absolutely everything." Alec looked calmer so Magnus put an arm around him to let Alec lean his head on his shoulder gently. Magnus brushed some hair off his forehead and kissed it before getting on with what he had to say. "The thing we need to talk about is my boyfriend."

"Your boyfriend?" Alec's tone was off but Magnus couldn't place what it was that filled the sweet voice. His features had gone completely blank and he had no idea what the other was thinking. "How long have you had a boyfriend, then?"

"A few weeks," Magnus bit his lip for a moment before continuing. "I didn't want to tell you until I knew for sure I wanted it to go somewhere." Alec had stiffened and pulled away from him slightly but wouldn't meet his gaze. Magnus sighed quietly and made to reach for him but Alec moved away before he could.

"That's just great," he heard Alec mutter as he headed for the stairs. Magnus was surprised for a moment, before he tried following.

"Alec,let's talk about this if you're upset. I didn't mean to keep it from you, honest. It's just sometimes these things fizzle out. I just thought there wouldn't be a point in bringing it up if I wasn't sure if things were going to get off the ground. I think you'll like Brain. He's really-" Magnus never got to say what exactly his boyfriend was as a door slammed in his face, nearly catching his nose. Annoyance crept in as he knocked on the closed door.

"I'm fine and I don't want to talk." Alec's muffled voice sounded from the other side of the door. His tone had a hint of a pout in it and the rest Magnus couldn't hope to decipher. He had known Alec wouldn't take this news well, he just didn't know why.

"Do you have to act like a five year old about this?" Magnus asked as he rested his forehead against the door. "Besides, you may as well come out since dinner will be here any minute."

"I'm not that hungry anymore." The voice was much quieter this time around and Magnus fought between an urge to comfort Alec and the extreme annoyance that he couldn't be happy about Brian.

"What, do I have to be alone forever?" Magnus snapped as he pounded his fist against the door once. "Don't I get to be happy?" He got no reply from Alec as he sat brooding in his room. Magnus checked his watch and decided he may as well get ready for his double date tonight a bit early if Alec wouldn't even come out for dinner. He hated leaving like this, but maybe after some time they would both be ready to talk. He sighed and rested his hands on his hips. "Well, I'm going out tonight with some friends and Brian. I'll be home later if you want to talk. Food will be in the fridge when you want it."

Silence was his only answer as he turned on his heel and went into his own room to get ready for the night.

MBALMBALMBAL

Alec laid on his bed confused and absolutely hating himself.

He didn't really understand why hearing that Magnus had a boyfriend upset him so much. Magnus deserved a boyfriend, absolutely. He must be lonely with just a teenager for company after all. The thing was though, he always thought he might just be enough for the eccentric stylist. They spent most weekends glued at the hip doing any random thing in the huge city. Magnus always asked if he wanted to see a movie or go get ice cream from down the block. It was rare he picked Ragnor or Cat to hang out with rather than him. He didn't want Magnus to have a boyfriend, as selfish as that was. He loved having Magnus all to himself. He loved their nights having movie marathons cuddled on the couch together all night. He was so used to it just being the two of them he absolutely wasn't ready for a third party.

He sighed and turned on his side as he heard Magnus leave to meet his boyfriend. The whole thing put a bitter taste in his mouth. He closed his eyes, hoping he would drift off and could deal with all of this tomorrow.

That's when his phone rang.

He paused before picking it up, thinking it was likely Magnus, but resigned himself to at least looking to see who it was. He squinted to see it was Jace calling, rather than his guardian, and though he wasn't much in the mood for talking he answered.

"Hello?" Alec sincerely hoped that whatever Jace wanted, it would be simple.

"Do you remember the time I covered for you with Magnus over the summer when you thought you lost his stupid cat? The time you told me you owed me a huge favor?" Alec collapsed back into his pillows and sighed as he distantly recalled the summer day when he had thought he had let Chairman outside on accident and frantically tried to find him the entire day only to discover the stupid feline had taken residence in the bathtub of all bloody places. Jace had planted a wonderful distraction, though it turned out to not be very much needed. It was a weak favor to call in, but if he was being honest Jace hardly needed a favor to call in at all to get him to help.

"Vaguely, what do you want then? It's a Wednesday night so it can't be that bad." Alec sighed and sat up, preparing for the fact that whatever his best friend wanted it likely required movement from his room.

"Okay so I'm just going to get right to it before Will and Jem come upstairs for bed and hear anything."

"Bed?" Alec interrupted looking at the clock on his night stand. "Jace, it's only seven how are they going to bed already? They're not that old."

"I get you're a virgin and have a single parent but people do various things before going to sleep in their bedroom. Besides Jem really does fall asleep around eight or nine these days. Chemo is kicking his ass." The line was quiet for a moment as the reality that Jem had a life threatening disease crept up on them. It was so easy to forget from time to time with all their petty routines and problems. Alec knew Jace would never want to talk about it, but the long pause in their conversation said it all. "Getting to the point now. Look, so that insanely gorgeous red-head I told you about, Clary, invited me to some party her brother is throwing tonight in his apartment. Some kids from school will be there, but it's mostly kids from the college going."

"Okay," Alec said slowly as his stomach knotted up at where this was going. "Then just go to the party I guess. If your parents are in bed or whatever I'm sure you can get out without much of a problem on a Wednesday of all days. Thought I must say do have fun tomorrow morning waking up at ungodly hours for school."

"Alec, I can't go alone. Clary is the one that knows everyone at the dumb party while I know next to no one. I can't just follow her around all night without looking like a complete loser. I need you to come with me." Alec sighed deeply and mourned his quiet night at home and early bed time. He really shouldn't even think about going to any sort of party on a school night. Idris was quite a lot harder than their previous school. Not even mentioning the fact that he didn't even like parties in the slightest. He didn't drink, or even dance that well, and he would only want to dance with a guy anyways and the chances of gay guys being at this kind of party was kind of slim. He would end up just standing by the wall the entire time and be exhausted tomorrow for no good reason.

Then his mind cruelly reminded him of where Magnus was right now. That Magnus was out drinking and dancing with some guy in a bar somewhere. Magnus had no qualms about going out and having a good old time without him, so why should he feel obligated to sit at home and wait for him to come back? He wasn't a dog.

"Fine, I'll be ready in twenty minutes then. You're driving?" Jace whooped quietly and Alec could hear him leap off his bed.

"I owe you for this, any favor you want I swear to you. I'll pick you up in fifteen." Alec was about to hang up when Jace got in one last comment. "If you wear one of your ridiculous black sweaters I might just kill you. Dress like you're going to a party, yeah?" Instead of dignifying Jace with a reply Alec simply hung up and got ready for whatever tonight was going to throw at them.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again dear, dear readers! A huge thank you to everyone who had time to leave me some comments behind when you left, they were amazing! I'm so glad you're liking the story so far! This is the party chapter and there is a whole lot of plot development in this chapter so buckle up for the ride! Please tell me what you think of this chapter and I will try my very best to have another one out next weekend for you guys

"I'm going to kill you," is the first thing Alec hears as he slips into the passenger seat of Jace's car. He frowned and rolled his eyes as Jace took off into the streets of New York. His best friend was also dressed in black, but much more appealing than anything he could have managed.

"I didn't wear a sweater at least." Alec defended as he ran a hand through his hair. He looked out at the bars lining the street and wondered which one Magnus was in with Brian. He wondered if they were dancing yet,all tangled limbs and probably joined permanently at the lips. He wondered if this Brian guy knew Magnus was so, so amazing and was probably far too good for him.

It made him feel distantly sick to think about any of that.

"Okay, I'll give you that I guess. Did you drag that shirt out of the back of your closet? It's about four sizes too big for you." Alec flushed and bit his tongue from saying what popped into his head. Jace wasn't trying to be mean in the slightest way and he knew that. He was right in saying that it was a few sizes too big because he'd had it for a few years. Alec had been overweight for a few years after living with Magnus. He had hated how "pretty" he was. Everywhere he went everyone always called him pretty, especially older men. He had gotten into a lot of trouble for being the pretty boy. More than one of his previous foster guardians had had less than pure thoughts about him. His only saving grace had been his age.

So, after being pretty for so long he had decided he hated being pretty and started gaining weight. While the rest of his class was staying fit in any way possible Alec ate as much junk as he could to put on enough weight he wouldn't be considered pretty anymore. Magnus had found out the root of the problem after a few weeks and it was one of the few times Alec had seem him cry.

"It makes me look skinny at least." Alec tried to joke but he was sure it came out a bit flat. Jace had no idea as to the reason behind his weight gain issues and Alec wasn't blaming him for that but his current mood was not making this any easier. Normally any sort of teasing from Jace he took with a grain of salt but tonight he just wasn't in the mood.

"Couldn't you have borrowed a shirt from Magnus then?" Jace moaned as they turned down a side street. The thumping music indicated they were soon approaching their destination.

"Why do you care so much about what I look like anyways? I'm only here to keep you company." Alec grumbled as the thoughts about Magnus came back full force and left a bitter taste in his mouth.

"You have a shirt under that, don't you?" Jace said as they got out of he car and looked at each other. "Let me see it. You can't just go around in a tent sized shirt at a party. People are going to think you're a bit slow or something. " Alec flushed hotly but guessed Jace might have a point. He bit his lip for a moment before unbuttoning the shirt and letting it slide off his shoulder to reveal the black undershirt underneath. He never wore anything out in public that hugged his body the way this shirt did, but judging by the way Jace immediate snatched the shirt from his hands and tossed it into the car told him he was tonight.

"Now, you actually look like you want to be here. Let's go find some people." Jace lead the way into the complex with an air of confidence Alec wished he could ever have. He followed one step behind and wished he said no to this one small favor.

They went up to the fifth floor and quickly found the source of pounding music inside apartment 542. The door was open and people were loitering in the hall talking while music poured out in waves. The majority were older but as they squeezed their way inside Alec saw Isabelle from their school right away. She looked beautiful in a tight black dress that came a few inches above her knee complimented with black leather boots that were at least four inches. She had sparkly jewelry that shimmered when she moved as she danced with some guy he didn't know. This was the kind of person who should be here, the kind that had no issue flaunting their body while consuming any kind of alcohol they could find. Alec tore his eyes away from her and followed Jace to the bar where a pretty girl was leaning against the bar talking to an older man. The grin on his best friend's face told him that this was the infamous Clary Morganstern.

"Hey," Jace said casually as he leaned next to her. Clary jumped a bit at being drawn from her conversation and turned to see who addressed her. Her face split into a huge grin as she saw Jace and hugged him loosely.

"Jace! I'm so glad you made it!" She looked over Jace's shoulder to spot Alec and he offered a short little wave. Her grin widened and she pulled back and stepped out to come closer.

"You must be Alec?" She asked over the pounding music. Alec could instantly see why Jace already liked her so much. She was cute, friendly, and instantly put you at ease. She wore a short black skirt with fishnet leggings and boots with a green top that flattered her hair and eyes. 'Jace talks about you a lot."

"I'm sure not nearly as much as he talks about you." Clary's grin got wider and she beamed at Jace who shot him a grateful look.

"Do you have new friends, Clarissa?" The three of them jumped slightly and turned to the man Clary had been talking to before they had arrived. He was tall and well built with platinum blonde hair and green eyes to match Clary's. She rolled her eyes and shoved his shoulder. Alec couldn't help but notice that he shove didn't even jostle him a bit. He was easily one of the most attractive men Alec had ever seen in his life and it made his stomach start to flip.

"They started at Idris today actually," Clary explained. She rested a hand on Jace's arm."This is Jace Herondale and his best friend Alec." Jon's eyes briefly flicked over Jace before firmly resting on Alec. He kept the intense gaze for a moment before looking away anywhere else.

"Well, looks like Idris has gotten better stock since I graduated then." Jonathan said lazily as he openly swept his gaze over Alec from head to foot making him wish he had kept his over large shirt. He shifted until he finally focused his attention back on Clary.

"Alright, I'm going to go find some people. Be good sis," Clary proceeded to roll her eyes again as she waved him off absently. Alec shivered slightly as green eyes caught his gaze for one last moment before disappearing into the crowd of people

"So, um, who was that then?" Alec managed to ask as he took the abandoned spot on the other side of Clary. She tore her eyes from Jace and seemed to come back to herself.

"Oh, sorry, that was my older brother Jonathan. He's in my father's business and sort of in school when he bothers to go." Alec got distracted from the rest of the conversation by spotting the white blonde hair through the sea of bodies. He was busy talking to someone so Alec could observe him openly now. He had never much admired many guys even though he knew he most definitely wasn't into women. He had never dated and never been kissed. Then suddenly he spots this Jonathan and he was all the more curious about the things he'd been missing. He was wearing simply a tank and a pair of form fitting jeans that accented his large biceps and his shaped thighs. He ran a hand through his hair to make it look more tousled and Alec swallowed hard and tore his gaze away before he got uncomfortable. This party was proving to be one interesting night.

"Hello everybody!" A voice boomed above the crowd drawing the attention to a space set up for a band against the far wall. Alec squinted to get a better look and felt a jolt of surprise to see Simon on stage holding a guitar and the lead mic. He had definitely never mentioned throughout the day that he was in a band. He looked different here, much more in his element than he ever did within the walls of Idris.

"Who is this then?" Alec heard Jace ask as he sidled in beside him with Clary. Her face lit up once again as it often did when she was talking about something she loved.

"Oh, that's Simon! He's been my best friend for as long as I can remember. His band is more of a cover band than anything and they don't much have a name yet, but they're really good. Jonathan mostly only hired him because I told him to and they don't charge very much." Jace looked notably unhappy at how much she gushed about Simon, but it seemed to Alec to be innocent. He caught Jace's eye and raised an eyebrow while nodding subtly to Clary. Jace only grinned and nodded eagerly. Alec shook his head before returning to Simon's intro to their first song of the night.

"Alright, everyone this is a cover we haven't done before and just learned. We'll get to our usual stuff too but thought you'd like to hear something new for a change." Several people cheered as the opening chords struck loud and upbeat. People began to dance including the only two people he knew as Clary dragged Jace to the middle of melee. Alec sighed and stayed at the bar to listen and watch the crowd.

"Little black dress just walked into the room

making heads turn can't stop looking at you

It's so right

It's so right

It's so right you know

Little black dress, did you come here alone

it's too late, it's too late, it's too late

to go home

It's alright,

it's alright

it's alright, you know"

Simon looked incredibly happy and alive on that stage and Alec suddenly wished he could find something that could ignite that kind of passion. He couldn't help but notice that as the chorus came on Simon hadn't taken his eyes off of Isabelle who was obliviously dancing with the same guy from earlier. Simon's eyes shone under the dimmed lights as he looked at her and Alec thought it a shame he was too afraid to even talk to her.

MBALMBALMBAL

"That was one of the greatest nights." Ragnor declared as the four of them stepped out into the crisp air that just started having an autumn feel to it. He had an arm around Raphael's waist as they made their way to the parking lot behind the building. Magnus grinned and squeezed Brian's hand briefly. It truly had been a very fun night that he hadn't realized how much he needed. The only downer was that now he had to go home to someone who wasn't currently speaking to him. It made a knot form in his stomach and he dropped the hand holding his as he fumbled for his keys.

"You always do know how to have a good time." Magnus agreed as they paused between their cars. "You two go home and play nice, you hear me?" Ragnor cackled and leaned over to blatantly nip Raphael's neck none too gently. The younger man blushed and shoved his boyfriend off of him as he climbed into the car with a wave. Ragnor winked at the two of them before also climbing in so they could take off. Magnus and Brian followed their example and took a slow drive back to the apartment.

"So, your friends really do know how to have a great time." Magnus smiled over at the younger man. Brian was at NYU studying business and hoping to open his own business some day. He was young, only 23, but more mature than most people Magnus met his own age. His loose black curls fell over his forehead over hazel eyes. Magnus knew he was more than a little fortunate to find such a sweet guy in New York to have for a boyfriend. It was like a mantra in his head how lucky he was and he still wasn't sure why he had to keep reminding himself of that.

"I'm really glad you have a good time. Ragnor has always been that way, he taught me how to throw a proper party." Brian smiled to himself as he glanced at Magnus.

"You're a party boy then?" Magnus grinned in return as he pulled onto his street.

"More like used to be really. I haven't thrown a party in years."

"Ex party boys are still fun," A smirk crept on Brian's face and as Magnus stopped the car he felt excitement stir in his gut. He got out and waited for Brian to come around the car to lead him onto the porch. He knew that he probably should wait a while for Alec to get much more comfortable with the idea before just bringing a guy home. Another part of him reasoned Alec was likely asleep by now and wouldn't notice or care either way but they were definitely having sex on the couch so no younger ears would hear them.

Magnus pulled Brian inside and pushed him against the door to kiss him roughly, grabbing his hips and pulling their bodies together roughly. The movement caused the younger man's mouth to gasp against his so Magnus could easily slide his tongue in to wreck havoc. They broke apart several minutes later absolutely breathless as Magnus eased back slightly.

"Alright, I have to freshen up and use the bathroom. Wait on the couch and I'll be right back so we can continue where we left off."

"Sure," Brian agreed breathlessly as he leaned in for one last lingering kiss that left Magnus eagerly wanting much, much more.

After finishing his touch up of his makeup he paused before retuning to what promised to be a very good night. He stared at Alec's closed door for a long moment, hating that this is the one thing absolutely keeping them apart. People always said it was stupid for people to let their romantic interests get in the way of great friendships, but then again how long was someone supposed to just be alone?

He paused for a long moment before deciding to go open the door since it was unlikely Alec had left it locked since he had a weird thing about being in locked rooms. He just had to see if Alec was okay and sleeping soundly. Once Alec was okay he could go downstairs and enjoy his night with the sexy man on his couch. He opened the door to see the usually spotless floor covered with clothes and the lamp left on. He frowned and walked in to find a completely empty bed and his wallet and keys gone. Alec had left, and Magnus had absolutely no clue where he would have gone so late at night.

He fought the wave of panic and tried to think reasonably. Alec was a wonderful, smart kid who was the most responsible teenager he had ever known. At this time of night there was really nowhere for him to go being underage besides maybe a trashy overnight diner but even that was unlikely. The only place Alec would conceivably go would be to the Herondales. He didn't have a second thought as he dialed the very familiar number as his eyes scoured the room for any kind of clue that he was right, or any kind of note.

""Lo?" The sleepy voice rasping down the phone belonged to James and Magnus felt instantly guilty for taking the sleep Jem did managed to get. Waking an ill man in the middle of the night must be on some sort of list of sins leading to hell.

"Jem, I am so sorry for waking you up. I have a really stupid question, but I just have to know because Alec is gone and he never just leaves like this. I need to know if Alec is there." Magnus was out of breath by the time he finished his brief ramble and sank down on Alec's unmade bed as he tried to fight the waves of panic.

"It's alright Magnus, don't worry about it. We went to bed entirely too early anyways." Jem answered pleasantly enough considering he was hardly awake. Magnus could hear him waving the grumpy Will off as a door clicked shut. "Okay, let me go check Jace's room real quick. Sorry he gave you a heart attack, I don't know what I'd do if..." His voice trailed off and the knot that had lessened momentarily tightened viciously in anticipation of what next would come out of his best friend's mouth.

"Are they there?" The panic in his voice was now palpable, but he couldn't help it any more than he could help the way his hands were shaking slightly.

"No," Jem said quietly and far more calmly than anything Magnus could manage. "They must have gone somewhere. Any ideas Magnus?"

"No," Magnus said even as his mind worked to come up with anything. "Nothing's even open right now besides bars and clubs besides a few trashy diners. It's the middle of the night, where could they have even gone?"

"I'm going to get Will up and try to call Jace. You try calling Alec and let us know if you hear anything. Wherever they are, they must be together which is something. They'd never let the other one get hurt."

"Okay Jem, let me know," Magnus took a deep breath as he hung up and walked aimlessly downstairs as his fingers worked automatically to dial Alexander's number.

"What's going on?" Brian asked immediately upon spotting him. "Sit down, you're white as a ghost and you look like you're about to pass out."

"Alec is gone," Magnus said numbly as he got voicemail and proceeded to redial frantically. If the two of them had been stupid enough to think they were invincible on the streets of New York this late at night he didn't want to imagine what could have happened to them. Most people were generally alright in this huge city and minded their own business, but like every big city there were always those few who lurked in dark corners and couldn't leave well enough alone.

"Your roommate Alec?" Brian asked with a furrowed brow. "Well, Mags, he could just be out with some friends. You said he was in college right? I know it's a Wednesday night, but that doesn't mean you should freak. He probably went to some sort of party. I know when I went to NYU there was some kind of thing going on every night of the week." Magnus could have laughed out loud as every single lie he had told Brian about Alec was coming back to bite him in the ass. He tried to frantically come up with some excuse as to why he was this worried about a supposed adult who could make his own decisions just fine.

"It's just, something's wrong because Alec just isn't this kind of person. He's very serious about his studies and he shouldn't be drinking because he's on anxiety medication." It was the truth, or close enough to it. He dialed a fifth time and felt a second knot form in his chest when it went to voicemail once again.

"Well, he'll come back I'm sure. Unless you want to try looking for him? Do you know his favorite bars? A lot of them now admit those underage, so he could be out at one of them if you want to go look." Brian offered, looking disappointed but trying to hide it. Magnus could only imagine what kind of buzz kill he'd been tonight.

"Look, I know I completely killed the mood," Magnus said gently as he approached Brian to kiss him softly, gently once as he clutched his phone tightly in his left hand praying with every inch of his heart that it was just ring and tell him Alec was just fine so he could kill him for making him panic. "I'll call you tomorrow and we'll go out again soon. I'm sorry this happened."

"Alright," It looked like his young date wanted to say something much different since it was evident he really didn't understand what all the panic was about. "Yeah call me tomorrow then." Magnus shut the door quietly behind him and dialed Alec's number again, wondering what on earth had gotten into him that he would do something like this.

MBALMBALMBAL

Alec stepped out into the fresh air and let it wake him a bit. He was quickly approaching the exhausted level of tired. It was the middle of the night and he just wanted to go home now. The party had been a bad idea as far as he was concerned. Simon's band had been really good overall and Alec had talked with him a bit before he left. Ever since he had been lingering by the wall and watching Jace dance to almost every damn song with Clary while downing more than one drink. Alec had taken a few shots himself which had proved to be a bad idea since it only served to make him more tired. He hoped the party would end soon so they could leave.

The glass doors sliding open and shut drew his attention and his heart picked up its rate as he saw it was Jonathan, host of the party and the man with a body to fulfill most of his daydreams he could recall. It was evident he wasn't a nice guy. Jon hardly oozed warmth and kindness, but rather the light that seemed to almost shine from him was a cold one filled with charisma and a level of danger Alec had never seen. He still hadn't said more than one word to him, and that was likely for the best. It wasn't like he could ever interest a guy like that anyways. Hell, he couldn't even attract the attention of the guy who were nice to absolutely nice to everybody.

"Alec, wasn't it?" He was brought out of his thoughts by the low, rumbling sound of Jon's voice. He had evidently spotted him in a corner of the balcony looking over the city. Alec turned to meet the capturing green eyes and felt his stomach start to flip again. He lived with Magnus, who could be an underwear model if he had any sort of desire to, and he had never ever felt anything like this before. He had never felt much of anything for anyone up until this point. Distantly he remembered contemplating if he could be asexual only last year as Jace had hit up on several blondes at their junior prom.

"Yeah, um, hey Jonathan," For some reason this caused the blonde to smile as he came closer to stand in front of him. Jon seemed to contemplate a few things for several moments before speaking.

"You seem to lack the usual self-entitled shit most everyone has at Idris. It's intriguing I suppose, in a virgin kind of way." Alec's blush rose immediately as he looked away from the gorgeous man in front of him. It was apparently obvious just how much of a virgin he was even to a complete stranger. He rose to leave and go back inside to possibly beg Jace to leave with him when Jonathan stepped in his way and cornered him against the railing.

"Nothing to leave over. Everyone's a virgin until they just aren't anymore, y'know?" The grin he wore was nearly predatory as his eyes trailed over Alec's pale skin and taunt muscles under his shirt. "All you need is a good teacher, if you get my drift." Alec didn't, not even a little, but the look in his eyes captivated him in a strange sort of way he couldn't explain. At his silence Jon's grin widened as he stepped closer and closed any sort of space between them.

"W-what are you doing?" Alec asked softly as he raised one hand to scratch the back of his neck and ruffle the back of his hair.

"Teaching," was his only answer as his hand quickly took the place of Alec's to cradle the back of his head firmly as he pressed their lips together. The kiss sent tendrils of shock through out his body as their lips moved and something seemed to spring to life Alec had never been aware of before. The rush of heat when he felt a hot tongue swipe against his bottom lip shocked him into gasping softly against the soft lips that seemed incongruous with their owner. A tongue swiped in to sweep against the roof of his mouth which caused him to arch his body involuntarily against the firm chest caging him against the rail. Jonathan drew away and a whine sounded in the back of Alec's throat casing him to flush hotly and shuffle his feet. The blonde merely smirked as he slid Alec's phone out of his back pocket and fiddled with a few buttons on it. Alec watched in shock as he was handed back his phone. The blonde walked away silently leaving him to miss his warmth already. He took a deep breath and willed his knees to stop shaking to he could go get Jace.

In minutes he was once again outside on the ground in front of the apartment building waiting for Jace to get his ass out there already. He shivered and folded his arms against his body to try and preserve some kind of warmth. He sighed and just started to relax when once again he saw someone he recognized. Isabelle sat on the curb with her hair pulled back in a tight ponytail, looking as formidable as ever, but swiping absent tears off of her cheeks as she gazed blankly at the home screen of her phone. She looked so much more vulnerable sitting here on a curb than she did under the dim lights in the party. Alec desperately wanted to just ignore her and wait for Jace, but the sight of tear tracks on her cheeks just didn't sit well with him for some reason.

He sighed and went to sit next to her silently. She glanced his way and shock came into her brown eyes before she locked her gaze back to the device in her palm stubbornly. She was biting her bottom lip softly, as if she was physically trying to refrain from saying just what was bothering her, or to ask for a ride home. Alec wondered where her apparent adoring fans were just then, and quickly realized that adoring fans never actually equaled real friends. There was also the possibility that she just simply didn't tell what friends she did have.

"Are you alright?" His mind was still buzzing with the four tequila shots he had had less than an hour ago, the kiss that had been beyond anything he could have thought of, and the number in his phone labeled "teacher".

"Just peachy," her tone was clipped as she rested her head on an upturned palm and finally set the phone next to her on the cement.

"Do you need a ride home? Jace is about to take me home and I'm sure we can give you a ride." Alec knew when not to press someone, and decided to simply try and solve one of her very evident problems.

"Sure," She said quietly as he posture relaxed minutely and seemed more open to him. They sat in silence for a few more long minutes before she spoke again. "Why do men cheat? Why the hell do they think it's okay to be complete dicks? They must know they're being completely indecent human beings but they do it anyways! I just don't get it." Alec couldn't help but feel incredulous that anyone would do something so stupid as to cheat on the woman next to him.

"Someone cheated on you? Are they insane?" Tequila certainly lowered his brain to mouth filter it would seem. Isabelle gave him a slight smile before she shook her head giving a mirthless chuckle.

"Alec, I'm never the one guys cheat on. I'm the whore they cheat with before inevitably leaving to go back to their real girlfriends."

"Do you ever tell the girls?" Alec had to ask, even if it was probably a bit insensitive at the time.

"No," She said with a smile that seemed to almost be real. "I let them have what happiness they can. I don't know why I keep falling for the line that I'm who they really want. Or why I keep believing them when they outright lie and say they're single."

"You aren't a whore," Alec said in response to her earlier statement. Isabelle was a lot of bold wonderful things, but a whore didn't even skim the bottom of the list. "I don't know much about girls in general and what qualifies a girl as a whore but I know you aren't one. You just have a bit of bad luck with guys."

"Thanks for saying that. You seem like an alright guy, but I'm betting you have a girlfriend?" Alec blushed slightly again as he shook his head.

"Nope, no girlfriends. I, um, actually am looking more the boyfriend route." She made a noise of vague interest as she unfolded her legs to stretch in front of her out into the street.

"The gay guys are normally decent I guess. Well, Alec, the only advice I'll give you about guys is never believe a single thing they tell you. They lie for about the first month before finally trying for a bit of honesty." Alec sighed and finally looked at her face again which seemed a tad less forlorn now and all traces of tears were gone.

"Isabelle, did it ever occur to you that you're just looking at the wrong type of guys?" As he asked Simon's face popped in his head as he played that first song of the night. He bet Simon was exactly the opposite of the kind of guys she was describing. However, he felt that Jonathan fit that profile to a tee.

"Call me Izzy," She said wrinkling her petite nose. "No one calls me Isabelle besides my parents."

"Are you ready to get out of here?" Jace asked, louder than necessary as he stepped outside at last with his keys dangling from one finger and an unsteady gait. Alec snatched the keys from him and unlocked his car.

"I'm more than ready, you drunk hooligan." Izzy laughed shortly as she climbed in the passenger seat.

"Are you trying out the other team?" Jace asked blankly as he stared at Izzy in his front seat. Alec rolled his eyes and climbed in the driver's seat without answering. Jace was soon passed out in the backseat which left the car silent besides quiet directions and music playing from some station Jace had had it on.

"Okay, this is the street." Izzy finally said and promptly looked away. Alec couldn't help his gaping stare at the manor houses they were surrounded by as they pulled in. The lawns were sprawling with half the them donning fountains on the front lawn or the driveway. Each driveway was gated with security codes and it was all more than Alec could ever imagine owning. He found the Lightwood Manor easily enough on the very end in the middle of the cul-de-sac. He pulled up and looked over at the girl who looked much less vulnerable than she had on the curb and much more like the ice queen she was known as being. She turned to face him and her eyes softened just enough for him to know what she said next, she absolutely meant.

"Thank you for the ride, honestly. Every other option I had of getting home would have been awful. Also, I'll consider what you said about looking for the wrong type." Alec nodded and smiled as she got out of the car and hurried to enter the code on the keypad and disappear behind the iron gate.

Alec was about to drive away when he bothered to actually read the plaque right above the keypad.

LIGHTWOOD

Residence of Robert, Maryse, Isabelle, and Max.

His breath caught in his chest and everything faded away except for just that tiny plaque. He had never thought about his parents very much past the age of five or six. It just stopped mattering what they were like and what they did for a living. The only thing that had ever rang true in his mind was the fact that they absolutely didn't want him. They had given him up and never spoken to him since. Finding Magnus had gotten rid of a majority of the bitter feelings he had once held towards them since life with his guardian couldn't be better. He loved their loft in Brooklyn and staying up all night with movie marathons and helping Magnus with the salon and all the crazy wonderful times they had shared. He had found Jace as his best friend and life had always been so, so good.

It was just that looking at the glaring plaque with his parent's names etched in followed by the names of their two children made one thing glaringly obvious. They could have kept him , they simply chose not to. Isabelle was barely a year younger than him. Maryse must have gotten pregnant a second time mere months after giving him up to foster care.

It turned out that the speculation had all been true, they were siblings. The only problem was he had no idea how to begin dealing with that.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Are you impressed it's been less than a week and I'm already back with another monster chapter? So I'm now going to share my thoughts on writing this if you care to read or you can go ahead and jump into the goodness. So first of all I think some of you are going to be a bit surprised on Magnus's lack of punishment. He's very upset with Alec of course but Magnus has never really had to be a parent before even though he's had Alec so long since I picture this Alec (and even canon Alec really) as being a mini adult most of his life. The two of them are more best friends than anything. Another thing is that Jonathan is going to play a huge part in this but I can't say a lot of you are going to like him that much. I'm not making him evil, just very selfish. In this chapter we also get Heronstairs! Just a hint, but I'm getting better with them I think at least. Once again I had a blast writing this chapter and I hope you like it too. We find out a few more answers in the next chapter and Alec deals more with the dilema of Izzy being his sister.
> 
> TW: Mentions of Past abuse in this chapter
> 
> Please please review if you find time! I love them so much and it makes me so happy :D

Alec had never seen Magnus as angry as he did walking in their apartment at 3am on Thursday morning. He was so glad he had taken those shots of tequila earlier since it was numbing the pain enough that he wasn't completely falling apart. Seeing those names in stone had ripped open a place he had thought was completely healed long ago, and it hurt like nothing he could have imagined.

He had to struggle to focus on his guardian as Magnus looked at him with relief flooding his features followed by immense anger shining in his green eyes. Will and Jem sat behind at their small kitchen table but both quickly rose to their feet at the sight of Alec coming inside.

"What the hell were you thinking?!" Magnus asked as he took Alec firmly by the shoulders. His warm hands felt incredibly reassuring when right at that moment all Alec wanted was to be held and forget the rest of the world. He pushed what had only just happened to the back of his mind and tried to make this situation as little of a disaster as he could.

"We went to a party." Alec frowned as his words ran together far more than they should have. He swallowed hard and worked harder to articulate his words and not sound as drunk as he likely was. "We met up with some kids from school there. We didn't mean to be out so late." This was probably a lie on Jace's part, but he hadn't really intended on coming home at three in the morning

"Where is Jace?" Will asked, his voice low and torn in equal measures between fury and incredible worry. Alec sighed and dropped his gaze to the couch behind Magnus rather than meet any of their gazes.

"Passed out in the back of his car. I drove us home." Alec tensed as the two brushed by him on their way outside. He looked up at Magnus and felt incredibly guilty. He had never done anything like this in his life. He was never the kid who went off to parties doing reckless things.

"Look at me," Magnus demanded quietly and when Alec didn't comply he coldly placed the familiar three fingers under his chin to tilt his gaze up. Magnus frowned heavily and let go of him with a flick of his fingers to turn his head to the side. "You're drunk." Alec shook his head in protest and finally voluntarily met the older man's gaze.

"No, I'm not! I swear I'm tipsy at most. I would never be stupid enough to drive home if I was drunk-"

"Funny how a whole lot of nevers are happening tonight." Magnus cut him off and ran a hand through his hair. "Go up to your room and wait for me. We are far from through discussing this. I have to help them get Jace into their car. Jem can't do much." The last sentence made Alec flinch as he bolted for the stairs. Chairman was still on his unmade bed as he stripped of the stupid shirt and tight jeans. The tiny cat watched him with his green eyes as he got ready for bed and curled up on his side. He felt undeniably sick and knew waking up in two hours for school was going to be impossible. Not only had he made Magnus furious with him he now had missed a day of school already in his first week. He closed his eyes and waited for Magnus to come back upstairs.

MBALMBALMBAL

The next morning he woke up with a migraine and his stomach churning in an unpleasant way. He groaned and checked the clock before deciding he may as well at least get half a day of school in if he could. He'd have time to eat breakfast and see if his guardian was speaking to him before he sped off to his last two classes. He wondered if Izzy and Jace had gone to school today or if they were still in bed. He felt marginally better after a shower minus the headache making his temples pound. He went downstairs to see Magnus watching TV shirtless with a pair of jeans on and a bowl of soup in his hand. He had no idea how to even approach Magnus after his stupidity last night. He must have fallen asleep last night before they could talk about any of it. He bit his lip and watched Magnus for a few more moments before going into the kitchen and finding something edible to eat. They normally never ate lunch at home and ordered take away for dinner. He perused their options and settled for a muffin and a bottle of water. He longed for some coffee, but he just wasn't sure if he should push his luck since Magnus thought his caffeine addiction was too intense too early in life.

"Go start a pot of coffee," Magnus said as Alec hesitantly sat down on the arm chair instead of next to Magnus on the couch. Alec froze and stared at Magnus, wondering if his longing for coffee had manifested in vivid hallucinations. "If you want to be any kind of functional in your afternoon classes then you'll want to make some coffee."

"Oh, okay then." Alec said as he went back into the kitchen. His hands shook as he poured the coffee grounds into the filter and poured the water in the back. The tone Magnus used had been so unfamiliar in its coldness. They had fought before,, but this distant coldness had never been used before. He mourned that he had left his only breakfast in the other room and wished had could just eat it in here instead and slip out the back door afterward. He knew he well deserved the cold shoulder for what he had done last night, but that didn't mean he had to like it.

"Eat your muffin, Alexander." He jumped as Magnus appeared behind him carrying the abandoned muffin in his hand. Alec flushed and took it from him gingerly.

"I was going to, just waiting for..." Alec waved his hand towards the still dripping coffee maker vaguely. His guardian sighed and sat at one of the chairs at the table.

"I know you were avoiding me. You're very good at hiding in here when you want to. How are you feeling? You throw up at all? Dehydrated? After that pot of coffee make sure you drink a few bottles of water too. " Alec shook his head to indicate he was fine and turned his attention to the nearly finished coffee instead of reading the disappointment in Magnus's gaze.

"I'm sorry for last night." Alec finally said, his voice shaking only slightly. He wasn't sure if he should even really mention last night or if it would just brew a huge fight he didn't want to get into. He had never dealt well with yelling and he didn't want to go to school a complete mess. "I know I deserve whatever punishment you dish out, but I want you to know I'm sorry.. I never wanted it to get that late. "

"The late hour isn't even the tip of the iceberg with what was wrong last night." Magnus said, his voice hard and indicating the lecturing was about to begin. Alec steeled himself for it and only hoped this wasn't the last straw with them. "I don't really know where to even start with the list of things that were wrong. I've never had to really set rules with you because I thought you were smart enough to not even think about doing things like last night. You were out way too late on a school night. You were drinking underage. You drove a car while intoxicated. You never even left a note about where the hell you went. You don't think I deserved at least a written note or text about where you went?"

"You did,"' Alec said quietly as he cradled his finally finished coffee between his hands.

"What even got into you? Since when do you even like going to parties? Why were you drinking anything in the first place, never mind being sloshed! Why didn't you call me when things got out of hand? What is going on with you? Why did you react that way about Brian in the first place?" Alec didn't have any answers to his questions, or at least ones he wanted to share. He wasn't quite sure what was going on with him and why he even agreed to go to the party. This was far from the first party Jace had invited him to over the years. He had been upset about the boyfriend, but that still didn't explain why he drank or did anything else that had happened. Suddenly his mind supplied the memory of Jonathan's lips crashing against his and his tongue invading his mouth deliciously and he blushed while most of his regret ebbed away. He had had a great time last night over all.

"You wanted me to make new friends. I decided to go out and make some?" Magnus folded his arms and raised his eyebrows. It probably wasn't the best idea to throw his words back in his face like this, but it was better than telling him about anything else right then. He didn't want to talk about his first kiss or the fact that Isabelle was his actual sister. He had to figure out how he was even going to tell her, or if he should tell her at all.

"I don't even know what to do with you." Magnus said as he got up from his seat and came around the table to corner him against his spot leaning against the counter. Alec tensed as he came closer, an unexplainable suppressed fear sweeping over despite all logic telling him he shouldn't be remotely afraid of Magnus in any way. Magnus lifted a hand to cup his face gently and tilted him to where their eyes met. He was quiet for a long moment before speaking again. "Is this what you want to do now? Throw away all the hard work you've done to be top of your class to party? You want to drink and be the kid coming to class hungover all the time? You want to fall behind and be on the verge of getting kicked out of one of the best schools in the state because alcohol is fun?"

"No!" Alec finally burst out as he turned his head away and dislodged the warm hand against his cheek. "It was just one time! You're making a huge deal out of nothing! I just wanted to go out last night instead of being alone while you went out! I had a good time in case you care! I'm going to class right now for your information and I'm not hungover. " Alec snatched the keys from the hook by the door but had them plucked from his fingers before he could even tighten his grip.

"The last time you were behind the wheel you decided to drink first. You're not driving for a while Alexander." Magnus grabbed his shoulder and held him still. "Why won't you just talk to me about what's going on? I can tell a lot is going through your mind and you're shutting me out! I want to know why."

"Let's go," Alec muttered as he opened their door and tore off down the hallway. He wasn't ready to tell Magnus anything about last night, and he wasn't sure when he would be.

MBALMBALMBAL

"You awake?" Jem looked up as Will entered their bedroom in the early afternoon. He carried a cup of tea in his hands as he gingerly sat on the bed next to him. Jem nodded and smiled as he remained on the pillows. Last night had been exhausting after dragging Jace inside and then dealing with the vomiting after he did wake up eventually. They didn't get to sleep til nearly six in the morning and he was feeling it. They had an appointment at four to see what his latest scans had shown after his latest round of chemo, and Jem had the funny feeling it just wasn't the great news they were hoping for.

"Hi, is Jace awake?" Will snorted as he laid on his side and propped his face in his hand as he leaned on one elbow. Jem tried to fight a smile as he looked at Will's handsome face, even tired as he was. His hair was still rumpled from sleep and his blue eyes were bright as ever.

"He's awake and deservedly miserable in his room. He wants to come with us this afternoon." Jem nodded and closed his eyes as his stomach started cramping again at the way his body tensed with nerves at just the thought of the appointment.

"Jem," Will said softly as he leaned over to kiss him gently. James sighed as he let Will's lips take away all his tension and the looming dark thoughts of what they could find. "Today is going to be good, I can feel it. Those damn mets are going to shrink and we're going to get rid of this shit. It might take a few more rounds of chemo, but it's going to work." Jem turned his head away as he fought against the terrified tears that sprang to his eyes. He wanted to fight more than anything. He wanted his deserved fifty or sixty more years with Will and Jace. The only thing was, fighting was turning out to be more and more terrifying every day. He was so afraid this was all for nothing and that he would be dragged into the dark oblivion of death sooner than he ever wanted.

"Oh James," Will said softly as he scooted closer to take him in his arms. Jem sniffed hard and tried to stop the tears falling gently down his cheeks and sliding down the sides of his nose. Will and Jace never cried, even if things were scary and awful. They were both of the same stoic mold. Jem knew Will felt this as much as anyone and he felt so stupid for being the one who was crying. If this all went south, he would be the one leaving after all. "Shh, it's okay Jem. I know you're scared as hell."

"I d-don't know how to deal with any of this if today goes badly. I just can't go through all of this for nothing. I hate being sick like this." Will let him bury his face in his chest and was silent as his heartbeat calmed him down to a rational level again. He wiped his eyes and turned his head to the side as he calmed down at last.

"I'm sorry, I'm just tired. Today will be good. It has to be good." Will kissed the top of his head and squeezed him tightly.

"Let's get you dressed and head down there, okay?" James fought a blush as Will stood cautiously by as he got dressed and ready for the day. He didn't leave his side until he was reclining on the recently made bed waiting for Will to be ready. People have told him he would have good days and bad, and he was still waiting for those good days to come. It felt like every day was bad days leaving him weak and unable to do much at all. If he managed to go for a walk and make dinner in the same afternoon it was considered a good day, which was absolutely ridiculous. He remembered the days when Jace was younger and he used to run around after a toddler all day while doing all kinds of odd jobs around the house. He could remember when Jace was around ten and he had finally opened his music store and fulfilled his sill dream. He missed running his store and made a note to ask Will to stop there on the way home. He had assistant managers running it for him, but he missed being involved.

"Jace! You ready to go?! We're leaving with or without you in two minutes!" Will hollered as he entered the hall adding unnecessary pounding to the teen's door. Jem shook his head as he followed and gathered their coats in his arms.

"Just be nice to him Will, he messed up and you yelled at him enough earlier. He's just as wound up as we are. He lost his phone and is grounded for two weeks. That's enough now." Will huffed as he took his coat and slid into it while snatching the keys from the table in the foyer. Jace trailed in looking a little worse for wear, but much better than when Jem had glimpsed him earlier. He was showered and dressed but from the way he winced as the door slammed behind Will it was obvious he still had a raging headache. Jem held out two aspirin which made Jace smile gratefully as he popped them in his mouth.

MBALMBALMBAL

Alec sighed in relief as the final bell rang and he gathered his stuff to go home. He was glad he had come to his last few classes, but that didn't mean it had been easy to pay attention when all he wanted to do was sleep. He was still tired and no matter what he tried his head incessantly pounded against his temples. He headed to his locker to find Simon waiting for him with a grin that made him return it even through his discomfort.

"Hey Simon, do you have notes from this morning?" Alec asked as he entered his combination and organized his things into what he would critically need for tonight and what he could leave here.

"Of course," Simon answered easily as he handed over a notebook from English. Alec shot him a grateful look and added it to the pile in his bag already. "So, I think I solved your extra-curricular issue."

"You solved it? Did you bribe someone to let me into something that doesn't completely suck? Or did you just wave a magic wand and grant me some kind of sporting abilities? Those are the only two ways my problem could be solved." Simon shook his head as they fell in step together

"You are looking at this in a very narrow way. I got you into a sport that I'm betting you'll be good at." Alec looked at him in shock before laughing out loud at even the thought.

"You've known me for a day and you already think you know what sport I'll be good at?" They shared a grin at how quickly they had hit it off. The last person Alec had found like this had been Jace.

"I'm in archery, and while I stink it doesn't much matter since most people do. No one really knows we even have an archery club and our staff sponsor is the new freshman science teacher who just uses it to read trashy magazines and avoid her husband. It's laid back and still definitely fulfills the requirement. We only practice twice a week for two hours or so. You have plenty of free time." Alec nodded as the situation sounded better and better the more Simon explained. Even if he couldn't actually do anything with a bow and arrow at least he'd get the school off his back.

"Well, then I guess I owe you one." Alec tried not to sigh out loud at what the last favor he had owed had led him. Simon gave a smile that said he wouldn't forget that quickly and waved as he headed in the direction of his house. He scanned the parking lot for Magnus's dark purple car but came up empty and he resigned himself to sitting on a bench to wait. He didn't much want to even go home if it was about to be anything like this morning.

He watched the other students disperse to their cars or walking in one direction or the other. They disappeared mostly in groups of twos and threes until there weren't very many people left. He wondered if Magnus was making him wait this long on purpose as a kind of passive punishment for last night.

He spotted the white blonde hair before his brain fully registered who it belonged to. Jonathan was in the parking lot leaning against a black sports car that Alec himself would absolutely kill to have. He looked beautiful in the fading sunlight and their kiss came to vivid memory once more and before Alec was fully aware of what he was doing his feet were carrying him across the nearly empty parking lot to where he was. His brain tried to remind him that there was more than a slim possibility that he was waiting for his sister, or someone who wasn't a virgin who didn't even know how to kiss properly, but he ignored it for the off chance he actually wanted to talk to him again. The chance he wanted to touch him with the fingers that made sparks ignite on his skin.

"So, I guess giving you my number wasn't enough incentive for you to call me?" The low tone of his voice shot up his spine and Alec didn't know how he was supposed to do anything but blush and stare at him ridiculously. He remembered the "Teacher" in his phone glaring at him every time he looked at his phone.

"I slept late today," was all he managed to say as he stood in front of the enigma of a man in front of him.

"Right, well how about you come back to my apartment and we'll talk?" The way he said the last phrase told Alec talking would hardly be a simple conversation. Every bit of him was inching to say yes, but he knew Magnus would be here any minute now.

"I would, but my guardian-"

"I had Clary call him." Jonathan waved away his concern with a flip of his hand. "She told him you were with her studying and catching up on what you missed this morning. My sister is surprisingly good at lying to just about anyone." Alec couldn't help but wonder what this might mean for his best friend who was quite obviously completely crazy about her.

"Well, then I guess I suddenly have some free time." Alec said much more confidently than he felt as he climbed into the passenger seat. He wanted to tell Jon just how much he loved his car, but he was unsure just what he was supposed to do or say around him. They rode in silence to the apartment that had caused so much trouble the night before while Alec watched Jonathan's fingers flex and relax against his thigh. He'd gotten caught staring twice causing his face to heat up but he couldn't make his eyes stay away. He dimly realized this was the second time in a twenty-four hour period he was blatantly lying to Magnus, which was more than he ever had before. True, technically this time Clary was the one who had done the lying this time but by playing alone he was just a guilty.

He followed Jon to the elevator to take them up to the fifth floor. Once the silver doors slid shut it seemed whatever public barriers they had came crashing down. Alec's gaze was drawn to him for the thousandth time but this time it seemed that his body wanted to do something about it. In a swift movement he had the blonde pushed against the wall of the elevator and pressed their lips together in a frenzy. Jon allowed this position for a second before soundly turning them and pushing Alec much more roughly into the cold, metal wall with the railing digging into the middle of his back. He gasped and once again was given the delight of having that smooth tongue swirling around his. The doors pinged open and Jonathan grabbed a belt loop of his jeans and tugged him the short way to his room without making them part. Alec's mind was buzzing as it had last night after four shots of tequila and he couldn't focus on anything except for the hands slipping under his shirt to trail up his back and clutch his shoulders.

"How do you do that to me?" Alec panted once the door slamming shut behind them brought some of his senses back and he broke away. He was panting slightly as he straightened his shirt. Jonathan was watching him with an amused expression and completely unruffled as he went to lounge on the couch.

"I guess you want it more than you think you do." The reply made his face heat up again as he perched on the other end of the leather couch. The apartment was much higher end looking in the light of day and the floor free of discarded plastic cups and trash. The wood floors gleamed under the fading sunlight and the place was nearly spotless. "So, Alec, how far have you gone with a man?"

"Oh, um, well you're my first kiss," Alec mumbled as he looked to his hands tangled in his lap. The short laugh Jon gave made him squirm uncomfortably at admitting how woefully behind he was in this sort of thing.

"This is just too great," Jonathan said as he looked at Alec with a whole new spark in his gaze. Alec laughed shortly as he relaxed once he realized the other man wasn't completely turned off by his inexperience.

"Is it?" The blonde scooted closer to Alec so that their sides were pressing as he slung an arm over the back of the couch. Alec inhaled his wonderful smell that he was quickly becoming addicted to.

"I prefer to teach people the way I like things," Thin, white fingertips began to gently trail over his shoulders and down his upper arm. "It's so much easier when they have to preconceived notions about anything. You're a blank slate Alec, and I find that very appealing." Alec dared to look in his eyes and felt the now familiar flip he had never really felt before the night before. Their lips met once more in a much more gentle manner. Jonathan had one hand holding the side of his neck. "I will warn you though, I'm not much boyfriend material. I don't really do dates, flowers, or candy. I want this," he gave Alec another kiss to leave him breathless. "And not much more if I'm being honest."

"That's alright," Alec breathed out as his gaze fixed on those pink lips that were slightly chapped but still felt amazing against his own. He wasn't sure why he was even considering getting involved with someone who blatantly told him he didn't want to date him and likely would never truly care about him but he was so caught up in the way Jonathan made him feel. Magnus had always told him that whoever he was with should care about him and treat him well. Though Magnus had never done any sort of adequate job in explaining just how amazing it felt to have large, strong hands graze down your sides and grab onto your hips firmly. His guardian never told him how his body would melt once lips were on his and a tongue was tracing patterns on the roof of his mouth.

He turned his body towards Jon's and suddenly was straddling him as the older man hiked his shirt up and ran his fingers all over the planes of his back to dip in every crevice he could reach and tease just above his hips where his jeans comfortably rested. Alec tried to keep it to only kissing, but in this position he couldn't help an involuntary jerk of his hips to grind against the older man's. Alec groaned at the feeling as he started to grow hard in his pants. He was getting very nervous about where all of this was going, but his body seemed to have a will of its own as his hips kept jerking against the other man's as he grew more and more aroused. Jonathan finally tangled a hand in his hair to bend his head to the side and kiss his neck sensually while the other hand pulled their hips together more firmly. Alec was shortly losing complete control of the entire situation as his mind proceeded to stop thinking completely as sharp teeth bit down on his collar bone.

The wandering hand left his hip and trailed upwards under his shirt to find one of his nipples. Alec nearly screamed when it was pinched between a thumb and forefinger while being pulled slightly. His hips jerked a few more times before he came against Jon in his pants. He was trembling as the older man let go of him. As Alec pulled back to finally look at the blonde properly he was shocked to find Jonathan as properly put together as when they left together in the parking lot. He was hard, but that's about as undone as he got. He was mortified as he stiffly climbed off of Jonathan, wincing at the awkward wetness prominent in his pants. He took off hi button up shirt to tie it around his waist.

"Are you leaving?" Jonathan asked lazily, not even bothering to hide the fact he was very much interested in Alec sticking around. The younger flushed as he gathered his things together and stood by the door awkwardly while Jonathan lounged on the sofa. He knew it was probably the rudest thing he could do, leaving like this, but he just couldn't stay and he wasn't sure what he would be tempted into doing if he did.

The cold air made everything starkly real as Alec walked home that night as the streetlights were coming on slowly. What had he been thinking messing around with a guy like that? He shouldn't be anywhere near a college man with a less than savory agenda. He deserved better than a guy who could offer him no mare than a couch, or perhaps a bed on a really good day. He knew nothing about the man who had just had his hands roaming all over him. Alec shivered at the thought and berated himself on being so weak. This was why he got in so much trouble when he was younger. He was too quiet and never really spoke up. He always got caught up in how everything felt and too overwhelmed to say anything at all.

The only thing different this time, was that his body desperately wanted what it was Jonathan had to offer.

He was home before he was ready to be and desperately hoped he could dart to the shower before Magnus wanted to have any meaningful conversation, or any talking at all for that matter. His guardian had no means of personal space in a very cuddly, innocent kind of way which Alec had grown to love, just not in this current situation. Magnus was bound to notice just what was going on and that would be impossible to explain and the embarrassment just might kill him. He opened the door and got distracted from any sort of agenda he was hoping to accomplish by the sight sitting on the couch.

Magnus was lying on the couch with some guy between his legs as they watched TV together. The stranger's head was cradled on the firm chest Alec had fallen asleep on more than once. Their hands were tangled together while the other hand Magnus trailed up and down a pale arm resting on his thigh. They looked very comfortable and cozy together. After the long two days Alec had had he just wanted to be the one cozy and comfortable with someone who loved him, even if he wasn't ready to talk the physical comfort was what he craved.

"Oh, are you the infamous roommate I keep hearing about?" It took a long moment for Alec to realize he was being addressed by the stranger that must be Magnus's new boyfriend. As he turned to look at him Alec realized the bright red mark on his neck had been put there by Magnus, and felt as sick as he had before falling asleep the night before.

"Roommate?" Alec repeated blankly as he stared at the stranger who seemed more comfortable in his apartment than he even did half the time.

"This is Alec," Magnus cut in as he stood up, prompting the other man to stand as well. "Alexander, this is Brian, my boyfriend."

"Magnus tell me you're at NYU?" Brian said with a friendly smile as he reached out a hand fo Alec to shake. Alec stared at it as if it was some disgusting insect waiting to jump on him before he started inching to the staircase.

"Nice to meet you." He completely ignored the very confusing question aimed at him. "I have a lot of homework so I'll let you two watch a movie." He hurried up the stairs to his room without waiting for any sort of reply. As he changed his clothes the first thing Brian had said to him suddenly resounded back to him. Magnus had told his boyfriend Alec was his roommate. Not even his friend, but his roommate. He could understand not wanting to explain the very complicated situation where Alec was actually his charge, but they didn't really have a father/son relationship going on. How could Magnus introduce him so coldly? Or did he have to give them a title at all? The distant title sat cold in his stomach as he heard footsteps on the stairs and the door closing below.

"Alec, sorry to spring him on you like that. When that random girl called she said you were likely staying over for dinner after you got caught up." Magnus paused in the doorway as Alec sat frozen on his bed.

"So, I'm your roommate huh? Should I start splitting the rent with you then?" Alec spit out as he stared blankly at the wall. He couldn't understand why it even mattered what on earth Brian thought about him, only that it did. He cared that Brian didn't know that Alec was everything to Magnus, or at least that was the way it worked the other way around.

"Alec, that isn't even worth getting upset about. I hardly know Brian and that was the easiest explanation considering everything. I didn't mean anything by it." Between Jonathan pressing their bodies together mindlessly without really caring about him, and Magnus brushing the magnitude of their relationship under the rug Alec felt absolutely broken.

"You couldn't tell him I was your friend? Or was that too complicated?" Alec was struggling to keep his voice from breaking as he still didn't look at Magnus.

"Darling, I'm sorry if I hurt you." Magnus said softly as he rested a hand on his shoulder. The gentle warm presence of that hand nearly sent Alec straight into his arms telling him everything but for some reason he made himself stay stiff on the bed. "That wasn't how I wanted the two of you to meet. Brian-"

"Don't," Alec cut him off as he bit his lip harshly. "I'm really tired still and I have a lot to get done before bed. Just let me get school stuff done."

"Want to have a movie night later? We still have a few we haven't watched that we rented." The thought of spending the night on the couch in the same position he had been in with Magnus was enough to make him completely lose interest.

"Not tonight," Alec went over to the closet to get a uniform ready for the next morning and organize anything else he needed. Magnus stood by the bed frozen and Alec saw the confusion on his face out of the corner of his eye.

"Why won't you talk to me? You need to at least tell me why you're so upset I have a boyfriend. You'll get one sooner than you think." Alec thought of all the men that had touched him in his life and how not a single one of them had had any intention of ever caring about him. Jonathan only being the most recent.

"I don't want to talk." Alec was running out of things to organize but still didn't want to face Magnus.

"Alec, come on now. You can't ignore me forever. We have to talk eventually."

"No, we don't." The words were clipped as Alec tried to keep every single emotion under lock and key. "Leave me alone, Magnus." There was a long moment of complete silence until Alec heard the soft click of his door shutting. He looked to see that he was alone at last and crawled under his blankets as his mind cruelly reminded him that never before had Magnus ever left him alone, even when he asked. The loneliness cut through him like a knife as he tried to finally fall asleep.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I'm alive :) I'm so sorry for this wait and I hope this never happens again. I know it's not fair to you guys, but pleaseplease forgive me. So we have moved along a month with more drama unfolding. This is the last chapter with a lack of Malec and next chapter they will at least be speaking. This chapter shows Magnus realizing his feelings, and Alec won't be too far behind so don't worry too much. Thank you to everyone who keeps reading and it won't be too long before another chapter is out. I have it planned and everything! Please tell me what you thought in a review!
> 
> TW: Okay so mentions of self-harm in this one and dub-con sex too. You can skip the sex and still get the general picture so feel free.
> 
> Love you guys, and please enjoy the fun!

"So, are you ever going to tell me what's going on between you and Morganstern?" Izzy's voice broke Alec out of his thoughts as they sat on the grass during gym. It was getting colder out now as October was only days away which brought with it Halloween followed by the subsequent holidays. Judging by the way things were steadily falling apart Alec couldn't say he was honestly too excited. The last month had gone by in much the way the first week of school had. Magnus was dating Brian, whom Alec still wasn't fond of. Jace was dealing with Jem's disease while trying to act completely unaffected. He was still seeing Jonathan, and while they hadn't yet slept together they certainly kept creeping closer and closer to that line. He still hadn't told Izzy about what he had seen when he had dropped her off at her house in the middle of the night after the party that had changed absolutely everything. In summary, he had far too much going on and it was slowly tearing him to pieces.

"Not much to tell." Alec said blithely as he picked grass absent-mindedly. He watched as Jace tore across the field with a soccer ball a blur between his feet. Jace tried to deny his talent in sports, and he didn't much like them, but he was good at everything. He still hadn't actually joined any sort of extra-curricular activity and the school wasn't too happy with him. Alec was more than happy hiding in archery where he didn't have to do much of anything at all. He still hadn't actually shot an arrow after three weeks of meetings.

"Come on," Izzy whined as she leaned forwards to try and catch his eye. "You went off with him three nights last week. It's been an entire month, and something must be going on. Are you dating him?"

"No," Alec said quietly, yet certainly. If there was anything Jonathan had made perfectly clear it was that they were anything but boyfriends. "We aren't dating, or anything like that. We just... dabble."

"Really?" Izzy asked with interest. She leaned back on her hands and stretched her long legs in front of her with the ankles crossed. Alec finally looked at her and wished he hadn't when her look said that she knew him all too well. "Are you the dabbling kind of guy? You can handle no strings?"

"It's easier that way I've heard." Isabelle snorted derisively.

"From who? Casanova blondie? Clary has him completely wrapped up in her. You have to have noticed they're inseparable? He's fucking her, you know." Alec stopped feigning disinterest and was completely fixed on Izzy now.

"What? They're sleeping together? No, they can't be. He would have told me." The lump creeping into his throat was most unwelcome and Alec fought to swallow it down. As soon as he said it he knew it wasn't very true these days. Jace had hardly spoken to anyone the last few weeks. Jem had been in and out of the hospital and he had a long fight to go before he beat it. He was on the upward slope, but it would take a while and the tides could change in a moment. Alec missed him but couldn't force him to talk.

"So, changing topic," Isabelle sat up straight now as a smile grew on her face. "You'll never guess who asked me to homecoming." She waited a moment and when Alec didn't play along and went back to tugging tufts of grass out continued. "Lewis asked me."

"Simon?!" Alec wondered when his friends had completely stopped telling him anything at all.

"Yeah, I was surprised to say the least. " Alec sighed and knew there had to be some damage control to be done. Simon had been half in love with her for as long as Alec had known him.

"So, you were nice to him weren't you? Let him down gently?" She rolled her eyes and hit him on the arm.

"I'm not mean! I just say things how they are. I, um, actually haven't given him an answer yet. I said I had to think about it." Alec felt his jaw drop a little and turned to face her fully completely surprised.

"Are you considering going with him?"

"You think I should? Is he the kind of guy you keep talking about? The nice sort who don't have hidden agendas? Also, you do realize how awful you are at following your own advice right?" Alec completely ignored her last comment and ignored the squirm of guilt in his stomach that said she was completely right.

"Simon is definitely far better than any guy you've ever told me about. He's crazy about you I know that much. Plus, you get to be with the band and that's always good isn't it?" She was quiet for a long moment as she fiddled with the end of her braid.

"The only thing about Simon is that he's a boyfriend. He's the guy that will fall in love with me and buy me flowers even when I'm a bitch. He's the guy that puts everything he has into a person." She took a deep breath and glanced at him briefly. "I don't know if I can be a person worthy of all that. If he's as nice as you say then I don't want to be that girl that breaks his heart. I don't know if I can be someone's girlfriend. It's just something I'm not sure I'd handle well." Alec saw the unsure and broken look on her face and leaned over to take her hand in his own. Her fingers were like ice but her grip was strong.

"Y'know Magnus," Alec had his breath stolen from him briefly at just mentioning his guardian's name. He hadn't said it in what felt like forever. The two of them were barely speaking these days beyond pleasantries. Alec pushed the ache aside to focus on the point he was trying to make in the first place. He would miss Magnus later when he was alone. "Magnus always felt the same way. He never bothered to really be committed to anyone. He always said that it just wasn't in the cards for him, falling in love. Now he has Brian, and they seem happy. Iz, you don't want to end up alone and I am more than tired of seeing you get hurt already. The last loser you let in was enough for me to know you need a break from all of that. Just try with Simon.

"Okay, I guess I'll agree to homecoming if nothing else. It would be nice to have a date stick with me the entire night for once." Alec smiled, satisfied that for once something good had just happened. The silence was short lived as Izzy decided it was her turn to help him. "Don't think I didn't notice the pause after Magnus's name. Are you two still on the outs?"

"Not exactly," Alec said in a whisper as he dropped his gaze to his feet. He had learned within ten seconds of being friends with his sister that if she brought up a topic she would never let it go. It was best to just try and answer the beset he could. 'We aren't fighting really. We just... don't talk."

Just as Izzy was about to answer him her attention was taken by a sleek black car pulling up in front of the school. He peered over at them with sunglasses hiding his gaze. Izzy rose and gathered her things which made Alec a bit nervous since what little he knew of his sister was that she didn't come when called for anyone.

"Who's that then?" Alec asked as he handed her her jacket she had abandoned in the bright sunshine.

"My dad's here. He's always early when he picks me up, and yes he's always that self entitled if you wondered. We only have like fifteen minutes before school's out anyways and it's not like I'm about to participate or anything." The two of them shared a tiny smirk as they signaled to the teacher they had to go and got a nod in return. Their gym teacher was likely the most laid back person Alec had met to date in Idris and he was grateful for it. "You want to meet him? You are, after all, my only decent friend I would even want to meet my parents. Plus, you won't get too many more opportunities."

"I guess," Alec finally managed as his brain leaped into overdrive and yet still came up with no real excuse not to. He tried to block out the thought that he was about to meet his father. His father, whom he had dreamed about when he was younger as the other boys all played baseball with their dads, or ran to their dads in the parking lot after the bell rang. The father who hadn't wanted him. The father who gave him over to a system that would ruin every positive self image he would ever have. Alec was so torn between resentment and curiosity that when he stumbled behind Izzy to face the intimidating man who had created him he was completely lost for words.

"Don't glare at me, you're early," Isabelle said as they approached. Robert rolled his eyes as he checked his watch.

"Aren't you out at three?" It was Izzy's turn to roll her eyes as she tossed her bag in the backseat.

"No, half past as I've told you a dozen times." Alec could see her biting her cheek and knew there was more she was longing to say. He couldn't really decipher their relationship as it hung in the balance between amicable and a bit hostile. "So, Dad, this is Alec."

"Alec who?" Robert Lightwood finally noticed Alec standing in the background and as Alec looked into eyes the exact same color as his own he felt something shatter inside of him. This had been such a bad idea. "This Alec your boyfriend?"

"No!" They both said in unison, Alec with a much more horrified note to his tone. Izzy continued. "Dad, this is a new friend of mine. He's actually really great."

"You've never mentioned him before, since he's so great." Robert's tone had not lost its suspicion as he studied Alec more closely. Alec tried valiantly to remember Magnus saying countless times that it never mattered what other people thought, but it failed as he desperately wanted to know what the silent assessment was showing

"Welll, he's new so I wouldn't have. He only just started at Idris this year." Izzy explained as she opened the passenger door and put one foot in. It looked like the conversation was over and while part of him was relieved the other part ached knowing they had seventeen years of catching up to do. He had a million questions for Robert Lightwood and he wasn't allowed to ask a single one.

"New?" The look became more scrutinizing which made his cheeks heat up. Alec ducked his head and willed his face to cool off so he wouldn't look like an idiot. "Are you a scholarship student?"

"W-well, um, yeah some of it is." Alec said quietly. He heard Isabelle scoff softly and before she could say anything Robert had replaced his sunglasses and opened his own door.

"Isabelle you really shouldn't be associating with trash who only want the Idris prestige without any hard work." Alec stood reeling as Izzy started shouting at him as she got in the car. They sped away in a car Alec himself would kill to have and he'd never felt quite this broken.

MBALMBALMBAL

The only sound in the back room of Alicante salon was the snipping of scissors. Magnus's head was full to the brim with a million thoughts about Brian, Alec, and his salon. They had a stylist quitting and taking a chunk of clientele with them and Magnus had to figure out how to replace that without their sales dropping too much. The only difficult about having a salon in downtown Manhattan was the ever present competition that made him lose and gain stylists faster than he could keep track sometimes. As long as he kept Ragnor and Catarina he'd be okay. At least he hoped.

Then there was Brian, his sweet tolerant boyfriend. Magnus hadn't brought him home ever since Alec walked in on them in the couch. The ensuing fight had left them with barriers they had never had before. He should have never lied about Alec in the first place, he knew that. He should have been honest from the start instead of making Alec his room mate. Making Alec someone inconsequential had been a fatal mistake that the young man didn't deserve. He had gotten hints Alec was seeing someone, but the last time he had brought it up to press for details resulted in a door slammed in his face. Brian was getting annoyed he could never come over, since half their dates were right by the apartment anyways. He didn't understand just why Alec had to like him, and Magnus didn't know how to explain it to him. He didn't know how to undo the lies he had woven surrounding Alexander. He just didn't want to force the two of them to get along, but he had to do something before he lost Brian completely. He had known what it was like being a secret, and he wouldn't do hat to him.

The last pressing matter on his mind was Alexander. He hurt somewhere he couldn't identify every time Alec breezed through the kitchen on his way to school with barely a greeting exchanged. Magnus was glad he had friends, and maybe a boyfriend, but he only wished he could know what was going on. Alec had been quiet lately, quiet in a way he hadn't been since he was young. He knew that Alec and Jace hadn't spoken much lately since the blonde was completely absent from their apartment in the last month. There had been no late night phone calls and Alec was nearly failing English, the most notable mark of Jace's absence. Alec loved to read, it was the writing that always tripped him up. Magnus was afraid Alec was bottling things up again, an unhealthy habit for the teen. Alec had had some very bad habits in the past that Magnus couldn't bear to see make a return. The binge eating had been coupled with self harm when Alec was fifteen and it had taken a lot for Alec to get healthy again. He needed to get through to him, but he didn't know how. Plus, there was the fact that Magnus had recently realized how gorgeous Alec truly was, and that had posed quite a problem.

"You're quiet," Will commented as Magnus trimmed his hair to a more manageable length again. Magnus started at the rich voice interrupting his thoughts and nearly cut his finger as he snipped a piece. He paused a moment, not sure just how much he wanted to discuss right now. Only thinking about it all left him exhausted.

"There's so much going on." Magnus replied softly as he tried to focus on the haircut. Will remained quiet as Magnus finished, as not to risk Magnus messing up his hair. He finished and brushed any stray hairs from Will's broad shoulders.

"Care to share? I could really use someone else's problems to distract me from mine." Will said as he gazed up at Magnus. It was his subtle way of saying he very well knew that Magnus desperately needed to talk. Magnus sighed and flopped in the open chair in the room. They were closing in half an hour and Magnus had not much left to do until Ragnor and Cat were done.

"It's mostly Alec." Magnus summarized succinctly. Besides the salon, Alec was at the core of the rest of his worries.

"Aren't kids great? You only worry endlessly." Will said as he shifted to get more comfrotable. "When I agreed to take Jace, I had no fucking idea what would come. I wish they were kids again. They were smaller and so were the problems."

"I'm not sure about that. Alec's problems have always been kind of complicated honestly." Magnus smiled a bit as he ran a hand over his spiked hair. "Is it strange I don't consider Alec my son? I just, don't know what he is to me. I know I've helped raise him somewhat and he's nine years younger but I don't see him as a son. He's my family of course, but not like that. "

"Why are you asking? You don't know how to label him? Never took you as a guy who set much stock in labels." Magnus sighed and wondered if he could really confess this in the back room of his salon.

"This thing with Brian has made me see that my thoughts with Alec may not be so normal. It's not just the worry. It's the way I crave his approval for things. It's the fact that if he doesn't like what I'm doing I normally stop. I think he's attractive." The last part was a whisper as Magnus finally spoke the thought sneaking up on him lately. He remembered just last week when he had seen Alec in nothing but a towel as he passed his room. Alec had been searching for a clean shirt to wear before school and had left his door open enough for Magnus to have a full view. Magnus remembered the rippling muscles as he moved and the flat stomach he now had once again. Alec had started loving the gym last year after he accepted there was no danger in being fit. It was something he did with Jace frequently. He remembered stopping in his tracks unwillingly to stare the great plane of Alec's back.

"That's not weird, not really." Will said thoughtfully. "It's not as if you raised him since he was a child. You have always had a very intimate relationship with him, and this is not the weirdest thing I've ever heard of. Do you think Alec has any sort of the same kind of feelings?"

"God, I have no idea. I haven't known his feelings for a month now. I barely get a good morning from him. I mean, maybe? He is having an inordinate amount of problems with me dating. I don't think it's Brian in particular. They haven't even met officially." Will looked fairly alarmed at the revelation they weren't speaking.

"You aren't speaking to Alec? I only care because I know he hasn't been talking to Jace either. I don't know him nearly as well as you do but I know Alec is a very emotional person generally. What is going on with him?"

"I think he's seeing someone, though I don't know how serious any of that is. He has a few new friends from school. Where has Jace been anyways?" Will groaned at the mention of his son and ran a hand over his face.

"Being an idiot, as usual. I keep meaning to talk to him, but with Jem being in and out of the hospital I just haven't. He's having another surgery this week. They found a tumor on his liver they want to remove. It's been hell the last few weeks. I walk into his room about two weeks ago and find condoms on his dresser. He has never owned a condom in his life until now. He's sleeping with that pretty red head and he's doing it for the wrong reasons. I know why he's doing it, hell I've done it with Jem time and again. Sex is such a bad idea when you have emotional shit going on. He's burying himself in her and I have no idea if he has any real feelings for her. She's going to wind up pregnant or heartbroken and can't see it. God, I hate teenagers and their awful decisions."

"I better go," Magnus said reluctantly as he heard the last few clients leaving. "Look, try and get Jace to detach himself from his girl for a bit. If I can't be there for Alec someone should be. If he has his first boyfriend I think we both know how many questions must be coming up."

"You should be talking to him." Will told him sternly as they stood. "I know it's not easy when they're glaring at you and telling you to fuck off with their eyes, but you don't want to destroy this. You also need to figure out if you want Alec or Brian and then put invest yourself. Otherwise, you'll never be happy either way. I had to make the same choice when I was younger between Jem and a woman named Tessa Gray. It was a hard choice but I was much happier once I made it."

"Yes, dad," Magnus said with a mocking smirk as he lead him out to the lobby. "You really don't know how to snap out of dad mode."

"You've never been a dad, you can't judge." Will waved as he slipped out into the quickly fading light. Magnus turned to see Catarina at the front desk staring at him intently

"You're in love with Alec? You're really admitting it? I was right." Magnus shook his head, completely not ready for this conversation.

MBALMBALMBAL

Alec moaned as Jonathan kissed his neck with open mouthed kisses down to his collarbone. He had come here after the disaster with Robert. He had felt like Robert had described him, a piece of trash. He felt as if he wasn't good enough for anyone, not even his own father. He couldn't turn to his usual outlets Magnus and Jace, so he had come to see Jonathan for a distraction. He had come here to feel like he was worth something, and even if Jonathan would never love him Alec knew he loved his body. He knew he was beautiful enough to sleep with a man who could have his pick of partners. Jonathan shone like a dark star, full of cold light bright but holding no warmth. He missed Magnus, who shone like the sun with an equal amount of warmth and light, but his guardian was likely with Brian tonight as he was every Thursday night.

"What's up with you?" Jonathan said calmly as Alec's hands fumbled with his belt. "You usually are the one insisting on foreplay and tonight you just want to go for the end game."

"Normally you don't want to talk." Alec retorted as he got the other man's pants loose and let them drop to the floor. They had gotten as far as blow jobs over the last month, but Alec normally drew the line at any more than that. Tonight though, he just wanted to feel.

"I'm not complaining, trust me." Jonathan said as he pushed Alec against his bedroom door harshly and tugged his shirt off smoothly. "Just an observation."

"Right, well quit observing and just make me feel amazing." Alec hissed as Jonathan pinched a nipple between his fingers harshly, making his nerves jump with a mixture of pleasure and pain. He lived for this these days, that mixture between feeling his nerves on fire with a bite of pain mixed in. It made him stop thinking at all, and that was what he needed more often than not. Plus, this way he didn't' have to be home since that only held Magnus that he didn't know how to talk to anymore.

"I've been trying to do that for a month," Jon growled into his ear as he made their hips grind together against the old wood of the door. "You're the one who keeps resisting me."

"Consider the resistance over. Fuck Jon." Jon claimed his mouth again as their tongues tangled together and the older man fumbled with the button on his jeans. Alec felt the usual nerves his him that had always restrained him in the past, but he pushed them away wanting to do more. He wanted something new and this to last longer than their usual half an hour. He wanted to forget Robert Lightwood completely and he didn't know how else to do it anymore.

"Do you need a bed?" Jon asked as he removed all the barriers between them and hiked Alec's legs around his waist. Alec gasped as their cocks brushed together for the first time before something hard settled against his ass. "I'm quite enjoying the image of you against the door if I'm being honest."

"I – um – I guess not." As Jonathan moved against him Alec felt himself getting aroused beyond anything he had ever known. It felt amazing to have nothing between them but skin. He always thought Jonathan was beautiful, and it was never more true than when sweat was dripping down his neck. As his head hit the door when he threw it back Magnus's voice came to him, however unbidden. The only advice I can truly give you for you first time Alexander is to make sure it's with someone who loves you. Just be sure that when you choose to give a part of yourself to someone they deserve to have it. You're not a toy to be played with, or a notch on someone's bed post. You are a beautiful person who deserves love and respect. Your first time should be special Alexander because you can never have a second first time.

"Wait," Alec gasped as Jonathan spun him around in a smooth movement and started spreading him with his large palms. "I – I don't know if I want to go this far. This is too fast Jon. Can I just have a m-" The rest of his words were cut off as Jonathan smacked him hard on his ass. Alec's breath was lost at the unexpected sharp pain.

"You said you wanted this." Jonathan said, his voice low and filled with unmistakable lust. "You're just being a fucking tease, and I'm going to tell you I don't put up with that shit. There isn't anything to be afraid of for God's sake. It might be uncomfortable or whatever, but everyone loses it at some point Lightwood."

"I'm not scared." Alec gasped, trying to keep his voice firm even as he started to shake. "I just don't know if this is right."

"Of course it is." Jonathan was back in his ear, his breath hot and heavy. "You've wanted this since you met me. You're a slut Alec Lightwood, and you want a nice, big cock inside of you. You're a hopeless bottom who needs someone to take control." He slipped a finger in coated in saliva and the burn made Alec squirm as a blossom of panic started in his chest. It wasn't long before Jonathan had multiple fingers buried inside of him and all Alec knew was that he wanted him to stop. He couldn't form the words as he gasped every time the fingers were shoved back inside of him pressing places he never knew existed. It might have felt much better if he hadn't been so scared. He didn't know what was going on and Jonathan wasn't exactly taking his time. The fingers disappeared suddenly making him cry out again and as he guessed what was coming next tears sprang to his eyes and he struggled not to let them fall.

"Please stop, I want to go home." Alec no longer cared about sounding like a mature adult in front of Jonathan, now he just wanted out. If he were being honest he only wanted Magnus and the warmth of their apartment. He wanted the familiar embrace that made him feel so safe instead of the tight grip on his hip that only made him feel like a tool in a game he didn't want to play.

"If you're refusing to give in and enjoy this that's not my problem." Jonathan insisted as he lined himself up at Alec's entrance. "Just close your eyes and it'll be over in a few minutes. A few minutes pounding into an ass as tight as yours will get me off don't worry. You could try relaxing and letting yourself enjoy this though. I don't know why all you virgins think that the first time has to be special or some crap. It's going to hurt either way. If you relax it's better."

"Jon-" Once again Alec found he couldn't breathe as Jonathan pushed into him in a single fluid movement. The pain was intense in a very strange way and he let out a soft sob as he only had a moment to adjust before Jon was moving inside of him with no real lubrication to speak of.

As promised it was over in a matter of moments and while Alec got reprieve from his conflicting emotions and physical discomfort as he finally came all over the hard wooden door as Jon let him slide to the floor he felt worse than before he came here in the first place. What the hell was he doing?

"You're fantastic." Jonathan said as he kissed Alec's bare shoulder. "I know you don't really appreciate it yet, but that was the worst of it. Next time you'll probably enjoy it a lot better. Plus that whole virginity hang up is a moot point. Trust me, I've been with plenty of guys who get so worked up over losing their virginity and then before you know it are riding any cock they can get." Alec couldn't reply as he wiped his face of the few tears and tried to clean himself up with no success. He stared at the door, not knowing what to think or how to feel. He had always known Jon wasn't in love with him to any degree. He knew they had met through physical contact alone. He had only thought after the movies shared and the meals at various places had resulted in some kind of camaraderie. He had thought that though Jon refused to have feeling for him he at least respected him.

He thought Jonathan thought of him as more than a piece of ass. He had been proven very, very wrong.

"I think i"m going to make dinner. You staying?" Jonathan asked as he shamelessly walked over to his kitchen and looked in his cupboards. Alec could only gape at his back, speechless.

"No, I can't stay." When had he become so weak he couldn't even tell this guy he barely knew just how much of an ass he was being? When had his voice been so silenced? He had told much bigger men who intended him harm to back the hell off and he couldn't tell Jonathan, a guy who didn't want anything but a good time, the same? Why had he let that happen? Why had he hated it so much? Sex was supposed to be easy. Was something wrong with him? He had gotten scared that was true, but shouldn't he have forgotten that in the heat of the moment? Wasn't that why Jace was sleeping with Clary? Jace wanted to forget his problems, and sex was a way to help that. It was the only reasoning Alec could come up with to why Jace was moving so quickly with a girl he barely knew.

"Well, I'll see you soon?" Jonathan asked with a grin as he helped Alec straighten his clothes. Alec had to force himself not to flinch away from his slightest touch. He took a calming breath and forced himself to give the blonde a brief kiss goodbye, slightly confused when that still felt as wonderful as it always did. Absolutely nothing was making any sort of sense.

MBALBMALMBAL

Magnus was woken in the middle of the night by a body crawling into bed with him and getting as close as possible. He was completely alarmed for a moment before he took a sharp breath in and realized it was Alec. He remained frozen for a moment as Alec was silent, simply silent as he wrapped himself around the older man. Alec hadn't crawled into his bed for years now when he used to have nightmares. Alec had been much smaller then, and Magnus could never remember his feet being this cold. He tried to shift and reach for the light but the grip around him tightened so much that it was a hopeless effort. Alec was still completely silent, which made him worry a little. As he slowly let a hand fall on his head, the damp hair made him realize Alec must have just gotten home in the middle of the night. He glanced at the clock to read a quarter past one, not as late as he'd thought but still too late for Alec to just be getting home. He had fallen asleep around ten, exhausted from a very long day filled with very long conversations about things he still couldn't figure out.

"Alec?" Magnus said softly as his other hand finally rested on his back, the skin freezing. "Alec, you're frozen. Have you been outside?" The younger man didn't answer as he remained completely tangled around Magnus. It was obvious he didn't want to talk, but damn it this was going far enough. Obviously something had happened and it was about time he found out what had been going on.

He shifted them so that he was lying mostly on top of Alec and pulled away enough to be able to see Alec's pale face with his shining blue orbs looking at him. Alec tensed and mumbled something into his shoulder that Magnus couldn't make out. He was a bit panicked now as to what was going on to make Alec cling to him like this when they hadn't spoken in weeks.

"Alec, just talk to me. What's going on?" Magnus felt like he had said that same sentence a dozen times in the last week alone. Once again Alec wouldn't say anything as he kept the same position cuddled up to him. Magnus was tempted to just let him stay close, but then again he was fed up with this silent treatment.

"Alright, seriously, talk to me!" Magnus pushed him so that there was a few inches between them. He was surprised to see his face flooded with tears instead of the blank mask he had been wearing consistently. He felt bad for the slight force he had used and brought a hand to cup his face.

"I just want you to hold me." Alec finally whispered in a raspy voice. "I just want to be held by someone who loves me." Magnus sat in shock for a moment before letting Alec give into the warmth he had and come as close as physically possible. He had no idea what was going on, but he had to help however he could. They laid in silence for a few moments before Magnus felt Alec begin to shake in his arms. For a moment he thought Alec may just be cold and adjusting to the warmth but as Alec took a shuddering breath at last and moisture soaked his skin he realized Alec was silently sobbing. He wrapped Alec up in his arms and kissed his hair as the both of them fell asleep.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody! New chapter up and running! This one is a bit happier all around than the last one! You'll be glad to know we are definitely creeping closer and closer to having Malec! :) Thank you so much for your support and amazing comments! I feel like a superstar when I post these chapters and it's awesome! I'm so glad you like the writing and where I'm going with all of this.
> 
> Please review and let me know what you think! Happy reading

The next morning Alec woke to bright sunlight feeling warm, safe, and happy. He couldn't remember the last time he had woken feeling quite like this and was reminded of the very first morning he had woken up in his new home with Magnus. He had often slept with Magnus back then since his nightmares had been awful. It had only lasted a few months but the first morning had been baffling. He had woken to a hand stroking his hair as Magnus absently read a book over his head. He only remembered that first morning being like a dream after so many mornings of feeling like he was in the way of another family's life. Magnus always made him fee like he was the center of the entire universe, whether he meant to or not.

He shifted a bit to find Magnus awake after all, reading the paper and sipping a cup of coffee. He distantly realized he should probably be very worried about what time it was, but then again it was hard to worry about anything at all when he was so warm and close to Magnus. He knew it likely wasn't very normal just how tactile of a person he was with those he was close to. He loved to touch and be touched as often as possible. It was only those he trusted most in the world, but it couldn't be too normal. Lucky for him, Magnus was the very same way.

"Well, you're alive." Magnus said with a smile as he finally spotted him awake. "Good morning darling, sleep well?" Alec made a noise similar to Chairman's when the cat woke after a particularly satisfying nap as he stretched his legs and arms out of the curled up position he had probably taken. He laid there for a moment, about to answer, when the memories of yesterday came back to him in a whirling rush. Meeting Robert and the disaster following then seeing Jonathan, and letting the blonde do things he wasn't ready for, then hours spent wandering around New York trying to sort it all out. For a moment Alec had managed to forget that yesterday had been one of the worst days of his entire life.

He remembered now.

"Better than I expected,"Alec finally said aloud as he rolled back into his previous position, wishing he didn't have to face today, or the many tomorrows to follow. Magnus tangled a hand back into his hair for a long moment, massaging his scalp with his nails. Alec wanted to unload everything, but wasn't sure how that would all go over. He felt embarrassed that he had ignored every bit of advice Magnus had ever given him regarding sex, while not much and far between had no doubt been valuable. He finally decided their silence had to end, and it had to end with him.

His family was a safe enough topic. Magnus understood complicated families very well.

"I met Robert yesterday." Alec said as he flopped onto his own pillow, still buried beneath the many blankets. Magnus folded up his paper and set it aside before mirroring his position on the other side of the bed.

"Robert? Robert who?" The words wouldn't form for Alec, even as he opened his mouth to say the words out loud he never thought he'd every be saying. Luckily Magnus put together the pieces of just which Robert would have resulted in such an emotional day. "Wait, you mean Robert Lightwood? As in, your father?"

"That's the one," Alec sighed quietly as he marveled at the craziness of meeting his father after all this time. That his parents had lived one city over for seventeen years. Magnus whistled softly and frowned at the ceiling for a long moment.

"Okay, but wait, how did you manage to randomly meet him? From what little we know about him he's some business guru."

"Well, actually it all started at that party Jace and I went to where I met Izzy." Alec launched into a fuller version of the party than they had ever gone over before. He told Magnus about meeting Izzy outside and how they became an unlikely pair of friends. He told him about the fancy neighborhood with the wrought iron fencing and the plaque on the brick wall outside reading off the names of the Lightwoods, with one name missing. He tried to stay neutral through the retelling, but his throat closed up towards the end and he had to stop before tears started falling again. His eyes felt swollen enough as it was.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Magnus asked as he let a hand softly trail down his cheek. Alec closed his eyes for a moment, just enjoying the touch.

"I didn't know how to."' There was a long moment of silence before Alec spoke again. "I really love my sister Mags, she's amazing."

"Well I'm not surprised." Magnus said with a smile. "Her brother isn't too bad himself, even if he won't believe it half the time."

"What time is it?" Alec asked as he sat up at last, feeling so much better already now that he had Magnus back. The sun shone brightly through the floor length windows to illuminate the room full to the brim with color. He made to get up but found a tight arm around his waist holding him back against the strong chest of the person he could always count on.

"It's after ten-" Alec made a noise of surprise and alarm as he fought to go get ready for at least his afternoon classes. Magnus laughed and toppled them so Alec landed on top of him with a huff. Alec balanced himself on his forearms to glare at his guardian.

"Magnus, I can't keep missing Calculus or I'm going to fail. I'm good at school, but not so good I don't need to go to class." Alec stopped speaking as Magnus tangled a hand gently in his hair and used the other to make Alec look at him.

""Okay, I know school is important." Magnus said quietly with the corners of his mouth twitching. "You have also had a rough few weeks and if you don't take a break you are going to have a complete breakdown. Last night was not a random thing, last night was you having a melt down. It's not a bad thing, it happens to everyone. Sometimes you just need a break from everything. Today we are both staying in and watching movies while eating whatever we want. We're going to have fun and just relax." As Alec sighed and was about to admit defeat Magnus tugged gently on his hair to gain his full attention once again. "That is, after you tell me the rest of the story. I know there's more to it than what you've told me so far. What happened yesterday in particular?"

"Oh, well, um," Alec stalled a bit as he figure out how he was going to get through saying this out loud exactly. He knew he couldn't tell him about Jonathan, not yet. He could at least share what Robert had said, since it had been at least half of the problem. "So when I met Robert,, um, he wasn't such a nice guy."

"Not nice how?" The dangerous protective note was creeping into Magnus's tone and Alec knew without a doubt Magnus was going to want to absolutely murder Robert Lightwood before the day was over.

"He sort of insinuated I was some type of trailer trash on scholarship that only wanted to get into Idris to use it's name on a resume. He phrased it, the privileges of Idris, without the hard work or something like that. " The lump was back, bigger than ever and Alec felt the back of his eyes sting forcefully. He somehow made his vocal chords work even though his throat felt completely closed off. "He literally called me trash, Magnus."

"You are anything but." Magnus said firmly as Alec laid against his chest. Alec felt a warm hand on his back and tried desperately not to start crying all over again.

"I don't know why it hurts so much. He had no idea who I was. He didn't even name me so how would he know his own son when he's never seen him? It's just... he's my dad and then when he looked at me with eyes that matched mine and said those things. Something just snapped inside me." Alec felt tears slide down his face again as he spoke aloud the things running through his mind. "I just wanted him to like me, even as Izzy's friend. I just wanted him to like me in some way. He didn't even give me the benefit of the doubt.' Alec had to stop his rambling as the tears took over his voice and Magnus folded him in his arms completely and whispered to him how much he loved him.

"I know right now you feel like Robert's opinion is your entire world." Magnus said softly as Alec calmed down enough to listen. "I understand that. I was the same way when mine tried to drown me in the river behind our house." Alec had heard the story before but this time it sent chills up his spine as it became more real. "I constantly wondered what I could have done to make him stay sane, or make my mother stay here with us and keep us a happy family. I wondered if it was the moment I begged my mom to buy me some glitter for my Valentine's day cards I was making for class. I hoped it wasn't the time I told my dad I liked to brush the girls' long hair in school rather than ignore them or try and engage them in some manly activity. They seemed okay with it at the time, but I'll be damned if every single moment with them didn't flow through my mind after everything fell apart. When my mother hung herself my father blamed me, and for so long I blamed myself too. It took me years to understand that they were their own people with their own choices." Alec was quiet for a long time and let Magnus's hands and soft voice make things seem better, as they always did.

"But it was something about me, they kept her. Izzy was born less then a year after me and they raised her. They loved her and spoiled her and kept her with them. They gave me away before they even had a chance to love me. I just don't get it." Alec finally said out loud what had been nagging at him since the moment he had figured out Izzy was really his sister.

"It had nothing to do with you, darling. I promise you it didn't. It was their loss for missing out on one amazing kid." Alec smiled for a moment against the smooth expanse of skin beneath his cheek before his filter failed him between his brain and his mouth.

"Do you really think I'm a kid still? Is that all you see me as? That kid that tags along with you?" Alec felt muscles tense a bit beneath him and wondered if he pushed the talking entirely too far. It wasn't often he abandoned his filter, and every time he vowed to never abandon it again.

"No," Magnus said quietly. "I think of you as my best friend."

"Me too," Alec whispered as he hid a grin in the pillows

MBALMBALMBAL

"Simon!" Alec hurried to catch up with Simon as they headed to their archery meeting. "Are you ready for next weekend? Iz is buying her dress tomorrow."

"Do you think I'm ever going to be ready?" Simon asked as he glanced at the other boy that fell into step beside him. "Do I want to know how you know about Isabelle's dress buying habits?"

"You're going to want to drop the Isabelle permanently." Alec advised him before looking away to fiddle with the straps on his bag. "I would know, um, because we're going together tomorrow. She wants my opinion." Simon lasted less than five minutes before he started laughing uproariously. Alec flushed and shoved him lightly.

"It's like you have a girlfriend, without any benefits." Alec rolled his eyes

"Except I absolutely don't want any of those benefits.' Simon laughed again as he opened the door to the gymnasium . They walked in and immediately stopped short. Normally they spend the ninety minutes of "Archery club" catching up on homework, listening to music, and talking. They had not yet so much as touched anything resembling a bow and arrow or even talked about it. Alec had been slightly disappointed at first, but it hadn't really mattered since it fulfilled the school requirement without embarrassing him or causing any bodily harm. Today was proving to be very out of the ordinary.

There was a line of bows lined up against one side of the gym with a line of twenty targets at the half line mark. Sleeves of arrows lay in a line across the floor in line with the targets ranging in color. Simon slowed to a stop and looked around, clearly impressed.

"Well, I guess we're going to be able to learn real archery." Alec grinned in anticipation as he walked over to a sleeve of blue-tipped arrow. They were cheap, plastic, and likely did no damage whatsoever, but for some reason he felt like this might be something he could be good at.

"Alright, gather around everyone!" Ms Clark looked more put together than she ever had during their previous meetings. A man stood to her left that had brown hair and blue eyes to rival Alec's. Alec felt his gaze linger a few moments over him and he flushed hotly. In other circumstances he would welcome the glimpse of attention, but at the moment it was most unwelcome. He had had quite enough problems in that area thank you very much. "Someone thought it prudent to inform the principal that we aren't exactly a very active club and under threat of disbandment I got someone to teach you how to shoot arrows to a target. So I'll leave it to Mr. Charlie Douglas to teach you something. Take it away Mr. Douglas."

"Well," Douglas began with an incredulous look at the back of their teacher. It was obvious to anyone with eyes she was more than a little upset to be ratted out. Alec rolled his eyes and felt Simon huff a laugh next to him. "Before we get started, anyone here actually interested in learning real archery, other than because your school requires you to have an extra-curricular?" Two hands went up, Alec's and Simon's. The blue eyes seemed to light up a bit when they landed on Alec. "Excellent, then I guess I'll use you to help me demonstrate Mr...?"

"Lightwood," Alec answered as he looked down at his feet instead of meeting the interested gaze. He had always thought it was incredibly dramatic and selfish when main characters complained about being hit on all the time by pretty men, but now he was starting to see their point. He really never even saw what they were all looking at in the first place. He was just ordinary, nothing like Magnus with the perfect body and charming personality. He couldn't hardly crack any sort of joke without making it a disaster and blushing halfway through. He was terrible at small talk and really didn't have much to offer anyone. That's why Jonathan liked him for sex, it was simple. Alec was simple, and no one to set your hopes on.

After twenty minutes of subtle touching by their teacher as Mr. Douglas went through showing them how to handle the bow and how to fit an arrow the right way they were set on their own. Alec booked it to the opposite side of the gym and sincerely hoped the giggling girls would keep Douglas occupied for the next hour.

"So, this should be kind of badass?" Simon asked as he handed him bow. Alec shook his head and set up his arrows in a spot he could comfortably reach them.

"I'm not sure how many girls fall for the archery charm, but I guess you'll find out."

"I-" Simon started before pausing. "Do you think Izzy would ever be my girlfriend? I mean, I know she doesn't know me, like at all. It's just I like her, and I mean I was hoping homecoming could be like a first date kind of thing, and not just a one off thing."

"Simon," Alec sighed and stopped nocking his arrow and faced his friend. Simon's face was full of careful hope, and Alec hated to see it focused on the mess that was Isabelle. "I'm not going to say she'll never consider it. I'm just going to tell you to take it slow, and let her make every first move. Do not sleep with her on the first three dates, if you get them. This needs to be different for her. She'll kill me for telling you, but she needs you to be someone special Simon. She needs you to be the guy to actually prove to her that not all men are the same. It's a lot, but it's what she needs. I think you're going to be great for her. It's just she's a bit terrified of the thought of you. She wants a boyfriend, but I think she's afraid it's just going to lead to her heart being shattered."

"Wow," Simon blinked in surprise. "You know her really well, don't you?"

"I pick up on a lot," Alec said with a shrug. "Now, I am not wasting this chance we get to actually do something with our hour and a half. Let's see if we can actually hit anything?"

"Hopefully just not each other," Simon muttered as he turned back to his own equipment. Alec really hoped he hadn't said too much, but it was only fair Simon knew what he was walking into. Izzy was complicated, and she required work. Most of the good ones always did, as Magnus would say. A grin came to him as he thought of their day together yesterday, like nothing at all had happened in the last six weeks. He loved having Magnus back in his life.

A thump brought him back to reality sharply and as he gazed down the ten feet to his target he saw he actually managed to hit the target with his first arrow, near the center. A surprised smile crept onto his face as he took a second one and got it ready to set free.

After Alec had shot his sleeve or arrows three times he looked around to see that most of the class had gotten helplessly bored and had wandered off to what they normally did, which was nothing at all. He sighed and figured he may as well pack it up as well when Douglas appeared form out of nowhere.

"You're a natural," Alec spun around to see Douglas hovering over him. His blue eyes were sparkling with mirth as he grinned.

"Are you mocking me?" Alec asked as he folded his arms.

"Not even a little," Douglas said holding his hands up with a smile. "It's just adorable the way you jump every time someone talks to you. Do people normally ignore you or something?"

"Or something," Alec snapped as he tidied up his arrows. "Thank you I guess."

"Let's try moving the target back a bit, see if you can give some more distance to your shot."

"Sweet!" Simon said eagerly with a grin. Douglas nodded at him, but seemed to be waiting for an answer from Alec in particular.

"Yeah, sounds good."

"Did he just call you adorable? Teacher has the hots for you." Alec grit his teeth and wished he could just be home.

"Teacher needs to keep it in his damn pants. I'm hardly in the mood to be hit on right now." Simon cast him a worried look before focusing again as they got the cue to shoot again. Alec felt some of the tension leave as he shot arrow after arrow, hitting the target time and time again. It was nice to be good at something for a change. This was the most relaxing thing he had done in a long time. He was on the third go around when it was ruined, by someone most unwelcome.

"You're doing great," Douglas was right behind him and his breath smelled like cinnamon. "If you turn your hips a little more towards the wall, like this." At the feel of a pair of large hands on his hips Alec jerked away with a glare at the older man. He threw his bow on the ground roughly as he stalked towards the door and gathered his things. He left while texting Simon that he'd see him soon and apologizing for leaving suddenly. He just had wanted to enjoy one thing without anything bad tarnishing it. Archery had actually been very very enjoyable, and Douglas just had to go and invade his personal space. He wrenched open his locker to get his books for the weekend and saw the slip with red writing on it letting Magnus know he was failing English, and that he needed to get it up in a matter of weeks if he wanted to pass the quarter. He slammed his locker, thinking that the stupid slip might ruin his peaceful bubble he had just gotten back.

He wasn't paying attention to where he was going when he smacked into a hard body, but before he could hit the ground a strong pair of hands righted him on his feet. Alec was about to viciously snap that this stranger could keep their damn hands to their damn selves when he looked into eyes he knew quite well. He was finally looking Jace Herondale in the eyes in weeks. Jace looked awful, and almost as unhappy as Alec was. He had dark shadows under his bloodshot eyes and looked paler than ever. He had lost some of his muscle mass in the last few weeks. Alec ached to talk to him, but had no idea what to say. He knew Jem was having surgery this week on a tumor that had developed in his brain, the riskiest one yet and there was a good chance he wouldn't make it off the table after everything he had gone through. He knew Jem hadn't been home from the hospital in weeks, and neither had Will for the most part. Alec knew Jace was alone and hurting, but he still found it in him to be angry. He was angry Jace abandoned him the minute he found a pretty girl to spend time with. He was angry Isabelle knew more about Jace's private life than he did. He was angry he lost his best friend when he needed him most. He was so, so angry Jace found Clary a better confidante than he was even after years of friendship.

"Why didn't you tel me you were failing English?" Jace finally asked after a good few minutes of staring. "If you told me I would have helped you out."

"Are you serious?" Alec asked him as he stared at him blankly. "What about the messages I left you, begging you to call me? What about the times I told you I was worried about you? I've called Jace, several times, you just didn't call me back."

"Well, your messages were vague," Jace said with an uncomfortable shrug. "I didn't want to talk."

"You can talk to Clary." Alec wasn't sure what made him bring her up, knowing it was a button he really didn't want to push.

"Don't bring her up, okay? You have no idea what's going on with her."

"You won't tell me!" Alec shouted in frustration, determined not to let the lump in his throat form into anything more. "You won't talk to me about her, or Jem, or anything else going on."

"I don't want to talk about Jem." Jace's voice caught on his father's name, telling Alec Jace was holding on by a thread to everything. Jace Herondale didn't let a crack leak out of his facade, it had been that way since they were kids.

"Fine, we didn't have to. We never did before." Alec looked away and just as Jace turned to walk away he spat out. "Are you in love with her?"

"No, I'm not. She's just...nice to be with away from everything."

"Well, does she love you though?"

"That would be her problem, I guess. We've only been fucking for a few weeks. It's way too soon to be throwing love around. Sex just feels good, and it's not like she's a virgin. I like her Alec, is that so hard for you to get?"

"You shouldn't be sleeping with her if you don't love her." Jace's head snapped around to look at him and the look in his eyes said that it wasn't the first time the sentence had gone through his mind.

"You're one to talk. Whoring yourself out to Jonathan lately?" Alec felt as if all the air had left his lungs as he helplessly choked for a moment in shock. He had felt bad enough about it all lately, and he just didn't need Jace to say it.

"I- I'm not. I-it was-" Alec knew Jace realized he had gone a step way too far. He opened his mouth to maybe apologize but Alec cut him off first. "Don't talk to me. Let me know when my best friend gets back in town. I know this thing with Jem is tearing you apart and that you don't want to talk to Will about it. Or maybe Will is like you and just fucking won't talk about it, but you aren't the only person who cares about James Carstairs. Magnus and I hold our breath for updates just as often as you do. You don't need to act like a dick because you're upset and scared." Alec bit his bottom lip hard enough to draw blood. "Don't you ever call me a whore again. Just don't. I can't believe you would ever use that word around me after what you know. I'm done trying Jace, let me know when you're done pushing everyone away."

MBALMBALMBAL

"Hey, Blue." Alec couldn't help but relax and finally smile upon seeing Ragnor lounging behind the front desk as he walked into Alicante Salon. He instinctively wrinkled his nose at all the hair products combining into a strange smell. He hardly ever came in here anymore, but he remembered days of old coloring in the back room or working on assignments. He used to spin on the chairs until Catarina sighed and told him to quit before he broke it or made himself sick. He had grown up here as much as anywhere else and knew the staff well.

"Hi," Alec said 2ith what he hoped passed for a genuine smile, or something close to it. "How are things? You and Raphael good?"

"Only of course," Ragnor said with a wicked smile. "Raphael wouldn't know what to do without me. Plus, who would make fun of Magnus with me? That guardian of yours needs humbling now and again let me tell you. We're doing good, coming up on our five year mark next month. I might throw a party and you're invited."

"I'll be there then." Alec looked around but didn't see Magnus's color and sparkle anywhere. "Do you know where Magnus is?"

"You okay, Blue?" Ragnor asked, likely noticing the sweater. There was a sweater Alec always wore when he was particularly upset. It was really unfit for the public eye with the amount of holes it had and the faded gray color it had taken on by now. He had worn it a lot when he moved in with Magnus, and it had once been the older man's, designer and cashmere in it's prime. Since then he wore it when he was having a rough day, a day when he thought of doing things he had sworn never to do again. It wasn't a good day when The Sweater was involved.

"Not particularly." Without a pause Ragnor stood and spotted Magnus in a back room, mixing color and sorting through product. "Boss man, you got a visitor!"

"Who?" Magnus called as he balanced on his toes to see out front. Alec waved shortly with the sleeve of the sweater flopping everywhere. Magnus waved him back as he turned to wash his hands. Alec took a deep breath and slipped into the back room, shutting the door behind him softly. Magnus turned to look at him fully and saw exactly which sweater he was sporting that afternoon.

"Scale of one to ten?" Magnus asked as he rubbed his upper arms gently. His yellow green eyes gave Alec something to ground himself in, and he felt like he could make it through once again.

"It was an eight, but it's fading." Alec stepped closer a bit to lightly put his hands on Magnus's waist.

"Did you hurt yourself?" The question was a whispered one,and one he hated that Magnus even had to ask. He hated that he succumbed to it now and again. He hated that he had found that release method and hated even more that it worked for him.

"No, no I came here. I'm sorry." Magnus hushed him quickly while keeping his hands lightly running up and down his upper arms.

"I'm glad you did. I can get out of here in twenty minutes, Ragnor can close things up. He's been a lazy ass all day as it is."

"You don't have to leave early." Alec tried to protest even as Magnus moved out front to talk to Ragnor. He sighed deeply and folded his arms snugly around himself. He felt an arm around his waist and started momentarily before realizing it was only Magnus coming back. He leaned into him for a brief moment before the door on the other end of the room banged open making him jump horribly and spill dye all over the floor and splashing on his jeans. Alec swore softly and started to apologize before Magnus shooed him away from the mess. Alec backed up to a corner out of the way and watched as Brian sauntered up to Magnus while shooting Alec a suspicious look. It had become more than a little obvious that Brian didn't care for Alec any more than the teen cared for Brian. There was no love lost, the only problem was that Magnus was helplessly in the middle of it all.

"Did I hear you say you can leave early?" Brian asked with a smile as he rested his hands on Magnus's hips suggestively. "I can tell you right now this view is giving me many, many ideas for what we could do tonight."

"Brian, I've told you a hundred times not when I'm at work," Magnus hissed as he straightened up and pushed Brian's hands off of him.

"Are you being serious? Magnus-" Magnus cut him off with a furious look

"Not here Brian." Magnus turned his back on Brian to walk over to Alec, who felt like he had caused much more trouble than he was worth. He should have just stayed home and held out until Magnus would come home. He could have sent a text, or anything less obvious and needy than showing up at his work and causing more trouble with Brian. He may hate Brian on terms even he didn't understand, but he wanted Magnus to be happy and this was not the way to make that happen.

"I"ll go," Alec said quietly as Magnus came closer. "I'm sorry I came here and messed things up again. I'll be fine until you get home."

"Hush, sweet pea," Magnus said equally as quietly as he rested a hand on the younger man's arm. "You have nothing to be sorry for. Brian is being incredibly immature right now. Give me ten minutes at the most and we can get the hell out of here. Wait for me, alright?" Alec nodded with a dubious glance in the direction of the man waiting in the opposite doorway with folded arms.

Magnus walked through and gallantly gestured for Brian to follow before he closed the door firmly behind them.

"I'm being immature?" was the first thing Brian asked as they faced each other in the empty room.

"Yes, you are. I've told you a million times I need to keep things professional at work. I can't have you hanging all over me."

"Well I thought maybe your standards had changed." Brian shot back with a note of sarcasm. "I just thought since you let Alec hang all over you and you have no problem being all over him in your place of business that the same would apply to your boyfriend."

'Alec is different." Magnus stated for what he felt like was the hundredth time. He had acknowledged his feelings for Alexander, but he stayed with Brian for reasons he couldn't exactly follow. Brian was nice, and appropriate, and actually returned his feelings. He had no way to know if Alec felt that way about him, or if it was even a good idea for him to be getting involved with someone so much younger. Alec would barely become legal this month while Magnus was twenty-seven years old. He knew he had no ill intentions towards Alec, but that didn't make it okay. Did it?

"Okay, what is going on with him?" Brian asked, snagging his full attention once again. "Things are getting ridiculous between us. You won't let me over your place, ever, because Alec might be home. We haven't slept together because you refuse to make Alec upset by staying the night and you aren't a fuck and run kind of guy. I just don't get why your roommate plays such a huge factor in your love life. I mean I get he isn't crazy about me but it's not like I killed his dog three years ago or something!"

"You are acting like a jealous idiot." Magnus snapped. "There is nothing going on between Alec and I. He's having a rough day and I need to be there for him and not here arguing with you!"

"This is what I'm talking about Magnus!" Brian's voice had risen to a shout. "You care more that he's having a bit of a bad day than the fact that I'm hurt and upset! I don't like seeing him hanging all over you. I don't think that's too much to ask. I feel like I'm the other man whenever Alec is involved."

"I thought you were mature enough to realize there are other important people in my life besides you!" Magnus matched his tone and volume even as he knew Brian had more than a few things right. His priorities were wrong, and they had been from the start of things.

"I caught him in bed with you!" Brian said, his voice full of real pain. "You told me it was nightmares, or whatever the hell you said. The fact is that I caught you in bed with another man and then you acted like I shouldn't be upset about that! How is that fair? I come to surprise you with coffee and pastries this morning and find him sleeping in your bed!" Brian took a deep breath and Magnus felt all the anger leave him as he saw the other man's hands trembling. "I like you Magnus, hell I'm pretty sure I might be falling in love with you which is why I don't question you or ever bring this up. I trust you and I have so much fun when we're together. I want a future for us Magnus, but you keep putting Alec before me and I don't know if I"m okay with that. I want my boyfriend to put me first in his life. Alec isn't your family, and if he was I'd understand a bit more."

"Okay," Magnus said finally finding his voice. "You're right. I haven't been treating you fairly in all of this. I do have a tendency to put Alec first before anyone else." Magnus paused and wondered what he was going to say, what he wanted to say. He could make up some excuse and apologize, knowing Brian was the kind of guy to likely forgive him. He could let things carry on as they were and possibly hurt Brian more than he deserved. On the other hand, he could just tell Brian he was in love with someone else. He could just tell him it wasn't fair to carry on like this when he felt they way he did about someone else. He could take the risk of waiting for Alec to come around and feel the same way he did. He could run the risk of losing this fantastic guy forever in favor of someone who may never even notice he was an option.

If anyone was worth that kind of risk, it was Alexander Gideon Lightwood.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"I'm sorry you had a fight with Brian." Alec said quietly as they walked home together. "I'm even more sorry I caused it."

"You didn't, not really." Magnus said, even as his heart hurt so much it felt as if a part had fallen off and shattered. He knew breaking things off was the right thing to do, but it wasn't the easy thing. "Things with Brian have been off for awhile. Did you hear us?"

"No, I went up front by Ragnor when the shouting started." Alec paused as they passed a crowd of people outside one of the more popular restaurants and spoke again as they once again reached a quiet stretch. "Did you break up because you didn't feel that way about him, or because it was just something you had to do?" Magnus gave him a startled look and scrubbed a hand through his hair, looking exhausted.

"How did you know we broke up?"

"Well I heard Brian say have a nice life as he left, and you don't let simple fights get to you like this." Alec shrugged and smiled a bit as Magnus continued to look at him like he had three heads. "I just know you. You don't react like this to just a fight. So, answer please?"

"Why do you have to ask the hard questions?" Magnus sighed deeply as they turned onto their street. "It was for the latter reasons if you must know. Leaving Brian was definitely better for him, even if he'll hate me for the rest of his life now."

'How did you make yourself do it?" Alec had looked away from Magnus now and was studying the trees intently as they passed by them.

"Is there something going on?" Magnus asked, put off by the unusual questions.

"Yes," Alec answered honestly, more than tired of trying to lie to someone who knew him better than anyone ever would. "I just can't talk about it yet. I just wondered how you're always so strong about things. You always seem to do the right thing by everyone and say what you always need to say even when it hurts. I just don't know how to do that."

"You are much wiser than eighteen years," Magnus said, linking their arms. "When I was eighteen all I cared about was what party was going on that weekend and where the sales were at. I hooked up with a different person every weekend if it suited me, and broke more hearts than I had any right to." Magnus shook his head in wonder. "You always are saying how you think you're not worth much to anyone and that you aren't special. Let me tell you something, you are a very special kind of person Alexander."

"I have to tell Izzy the truth, and I can't bring myself to do it." Alec said as he slumped on their front steps, listening to the distant traffic.

"Why are you hesitating? She seems to love you." Magnus sat next to him and rested an arm on his knee.

"I just don't know if this is best for both of us, or just me. I'm going to change her entire world when I tell her. I know it changed mine when I dropped her off, but it's going to hurt her at least as much as it hurt me. She has no idea I exist I don't think. I don't want her to hate Robert and Maryse just because of me."

"You need to stop taking responsibility for other people's decisions." Magnus said as he kissed his temple lightly. "I think she has a right to know if you want my opinion. People always deserve to know the truth, and then they can decide what to do with it."

"Thanks, Magnus." Alec said as he leaned his head on the taller man's shoulder. "I love you so much."

Magnus sat breathless, hearing the words now after realizing his true feelings was quite different than any other time the words had been exchanged. He hesitated to say them back before realizing that it was true, no matter the context. Even if Alec never realized any sort of undying love for him, he would still love him more than anyone in the entire world.

"I love you too darling"


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I know two chapters in a week is crazy! This chapter is a little shorter but I think this one deserves to stand on its own. This was a hard one to write for me.
> 
> I'm dedicating this chapter to my uncle, who we lost two months ago to cancer and also to any of you who have lost loved ones to this horrible disease. RIP
> 
> So TW are mentions of cancer and underage drinking.
> 
> Thank you so much for your continued support and I hope you guys like this chapter, even if it is full of feels Please review and leave feedback of what you thought! This chapter is full of hurt/comfort really but let me know if I laid it on too strong because I do that at times. Trying to find a good balance with that. Enjoy the chapter!

Life at a hospital started in the early morning. Often before the sun was up teams of doctors, nurses, and lab techs were all running around and making plans to start the day. Doctors made rounds visiting patients and determining their course of action for the day ahead. Nurses started on their cares and medication to make sure they reached everyone at a reasonable time. Hospitals were a busy, busy place far before most people were even out of bed.

Even after choosing medicine as a profession Will Herondale was not used to the early hours. He yawned widely as the elevator doors slid shut in front of him. He nursed a cup of hot, strong coffee and gathered the strength he would need to face the day ahead. Today was the day that would change their lives, or change it more than it already had been. Today was the big operation that would tell them what kind of chances Jem had against this ugly monster they were battling. Jem was bound to be a mess inside and would try to be strong for him. Will was also a jumble of thoughts and feelings as he rode up to the inpatient wing. He had met James in this very hospital twenty years ago. James had been here for a routine procedure of having his appendix out as a university student while Will had been a resident performing his first solo surgery. It had all gone exactly according to plan until after the procedure was over and Jem had been laced with pain meds to keep him comfortable for a few hours. Jem had been a terrible flirt when he had been influenced and Will had never had much self control. Before Jem had left the hospital he had hunted him down personally to hand him his number proudly on a ripped off page of his discharge papers before striding out of the hospital. It had been a day that would stay in his mind forever.

Twenty years later and they were back in the same hospital on a day that would again probably stay in his mind forever, for the worse or the better.

He greeted the nurses he had known for decades now and felt weird doing so without his white coat. He had quit surgery after they had taken Jace, knowing there was no way he could balance a family full time and surgery. He missed it time and again and had thought many times about returning, before James got so sick. Now he worked in clinics and loved it just as much, even if it didn't give him the thrill surgery once had. It had been worth it to have a family with James. Their little family was a kind of perfect bliss he never knew existed.

He headed to the end of the hall and took a deep, steadying breath before entering his husband's room. James was wide awake with his hands folded in front of him with the television on as background noise. He was fiddling with his wedding ring, rolling it between his fingers deep in contemplation.

"Morning, my handsome man." Will greeted as he leaned over him to kiss him briefly. James caught him by the back of the neck and pressed their lips together firmly. Will moaned far more loudly then he should at the extended contact, but it had been weeks since he had gotten more than a peck here and there. A hospital was most definitely not the kind of place to be intimate. Jem broke their kiss after several long moments.

"I wish we could have sex," Jem grumbled as he sat back. Will laughed loudly as he closed the door behind him and sat on the edge of his bed.

"When you get home we can have all the sex you want." A tension immediately fell between them at any mention of going home. The stakes had been upped today as the team of doctors had decided to much more extensive surgery than originally planned, trying to cut out even more cancer. The brain and liver were what they were concerned about most and with all that was happening the risk of Jem not coming out of this the same, or at all, was very high.

"We need to talk Will." Jem said, his voice quiet but his gaze steady as his gray eyes found blue. Will swallowed hard, unwilling to face whatever conversation Jem wanted to have.

"Okay, sure, what's up?" Jem took a deep breath, and Will could see this was taking every ounce of strength he had to say what he wanted to. Jem had always been the one to say the hard things between them while Will had a horrible habit of avoiding anything hard or too serious.

"Well, I, um wanted to tell you that I'm an organ donor."

"Damn it Jem, come on seriously?"

"Also that if I were to come out of surgery and unable to breathe on my own-"

"I don't want to talk about this!" Will said firmly, and loudly as he got off the bed to stand by the window, willing the burning behind his eyes to go away. He had every belief James was going to be perfectly fine, and he just wanted everyone else to have the same blind faith no matter how foolish it was.

"We have to talk about it William!" Jem said loudly and Will could hear he was fighting tears just as much as he himself was. Will spun to face him and could see the unimaginable pain in Jem's eyes as he fought to keep his voice even. "Will, you are not going to sit there and not let me sort out my affairs. There is every chance I am not coming out of this and I have a lot to say to you."

"You're going to talk to me about medical decisions on your so-called death bed?" Will shook his head in disbelief.

"Among other things, yes." Jem's voice started shaking. "I have twenty years' worth of things to say to you and you are going to listen. We have barely a half hour before Magnus and Alec get here so I'm saying this now." Their gazes met in a battle of wills, and Jem won as usual as Will flopped down in a chair. He didn't want to hear this, it was tearing him apart.

"Fine, say it then."

"I signed a DNR this morning." Will's head shot up and his blue eyes widened in shock.

"You weren't going to talk about this with me?! I'm a medical professional and you don't want my opinion."

"Your opinion was about to be anything but professional about this. You're my husband Will, and I love you but you aren't very impartial."

"You can't just sign a DNR on me. I want them to save you."

"I'm not living like a vegetable. I'm not putting that on you or Jace I'm miserable Will, and if they can't save me then they can't save me. I want you to have a life, a real life. I want you not to spend all our savings saving me. We're not going to be destitute because of this. I know you would let it get that far because you love me that much. " Will now had a staring contest reigning with the tiled floor and as Jem finished he lost hopelessly as he blinked furiously to hold away the tears.

"Jem-" His voice was hoarse and he had no idea what he wanted to say.

"We also need to talk about Jace." Will raised his head as this topic was slightly safer than the last one.

"You don't need to be worrying about him."

"You're ignoring him Will." Jem's voice wasn't accusing as it was sympathetic. "You've been here night and day for weeks with me while Jace has been on his own. We know he's having sex, and likely other things to go with that. He's a mess Will, and he needs to get it together. He must be hurting so much right now. You need to talk to him."

"He's alright. It's not the worst thing for him to be having sex, he's being safe."

"You need to talk to him." Jem repeated softly, but firmly. "You two are the worst people I know at avoiding things you don't want to talk about. Neither of you ever want to acknowledge bad things are happening around you. He's a kid Will, and he needs someone to hold him and tell him things will be okay. Normally I'm the one he talks to about everything, but he can't talk to me if I'm not here."

"Will you just stop saying that?!" Will exclaimed as the burning returned with force and he had to look anywhere but at his husband. He heard a brief shuffle before a weight settled on his lap in the form of Jem. Jem curled up on his lap while Will immediately tucked his arms around him.

"We can't ignore it." Jem said quietly. "I need to know my boys will be okay without me."

"James, please, I don't want to think about..." Will choked on the words that he couldn't bear to say aloud. Jem hugged him close and kissed his neck.

"You have given me so much." Jem whispered. "You have given me a life bigger than I ever thought it could be. We have a family together and a life that is so great. You are so wonderful Will, and I never could have asked for anyone better. I love you William Herondale, so much." Jem had started to cry as he finished the words that sounded nearly painful to say.

"I can't lose you." Despite knowing his best friend would be here any minute Will couldn't hold back the tears he had been hiding for months. "I don't know how to live without you anymore. You are my best friend, the love of my life. How do you handle losing the love of your life? I don't want to do this alone Jem. I want you to stay with me."

"I know sweetheart." Pet names were a rarity between them and it made both of their tears fall faster. "You'll be okay, both of you. It will hurt for a long time, but you'll be okay. You're strong, and so is Jace, but you need to bond together. He needs you."

"Are you scared?" Will had to ask the question, even if it seemed a bit of a stupid one.

"Yes and no?" Jem reached to wipe Will's tears away then his own, even if their cheeks were wet again within minutes. "I mean I have had a great life, and while I wanted much more of it I am just so grateful I have you."

"I don't want you to worry about Jace and I." Will took his husband gently by the shoulders and resisted the urge to tuck him away from everything forever. "I want you to fight, truly. I can promise you that if you don't m-make it we will be okay. I will make sure Jace is alright, somehow.."

"I love you." It was such a cheap statement for what they truly had between them. To Will it had always seemed so much deeper that there weren't words for it. He knew however that Jem didn't know what else to say.

"I love you too." While he could feel his bones were shaking his hands were steady as he grabbed a blanket and gathered Jem more firmly in his lap as they waited for the rest of their family to arrive and their fate to be decided.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"I can't believe we actually bought all this stuff." Alec said as he shook his head, waiting for Magnus to lock the car behind them.

"Hey, he deserves all this chocolate when he gets out! Balloons are corny, but they're fun?" Alec laughed as he took the bundle of balloons and looked around the parking lot. It wasn't too full this early in the morning and while Alec saw Will's unmistakable red car, he was missing a car that should absolutely be here right now.

"Jace isn't here." Alec stopped dead as he realized his car was truly missing on today of all days. "Jace seriously isn't here."

"Are you sure?" Magnus shielded his eyes against the fall sunlight and peered around. "He could just be running late."

"No, he seriously isn't coming." Alec shook his head in disbelief.

"I'm sure he's just processing things. He'll be here."

"No, he's running away. " Alec turned to Magnus and put the balloons into his spare hand. "I'm sorry, but I'm not letting him do this. Even if we aren't speaking I can't let him miss this chance. If he never says goodbye he won't be able to live with himself."

"Alec-"

"Can I borrow the car?" Alec bit his lip, knowing he was still on heavy probation after driving intoxicated a month ago. He hadn't been let near a car since, but he knew he was never going to find Jace any other way. Magnus sighed and looked at him for a long moment before pushing his right hip forwards.

"Alright, take it. Just be back as soon as you can. Will said they'll take him up by eleven at the latest." Alec dove into his pocket and fished out the tangle of keys.

"Trust me, I don't plan to be long. Thanks Magnus." Alec barely looked at him as he dashed back to the car and peeled out of the parking lot to find his best friend.

Alec knew where Jace would be, that was a given even if they weren't speaking. Jace went to nature when he wanted to be alone and there was a park they had been to countless times to talk or vent or just think. It was a spot Alec had driven to a million times and he reached it in record time from the hospital. He didn't have long to get Jace to come back with him, and he wasn't leaving without the blonde.

"You're being a selfish ass!" Alec shouted at the blonde head he spotted right where he knew it would be. He tossed a bottle of water at Jace's head which made contact amazingly enough before Jace even realized what had happened. Alec spotted the bottle of whiskey that was the culprit before he could even ask what was going on.

"You just hit me in the fucking head!" Jace shouted back as he picked it up a bit dazed. Alec felt himself shaking as he came to stand in front of his best friend.

"You're drunk right now." Alec could hardly believe it even as he said the words aloud. "You're drunk and your dad is about to go into surgery."

"Shut up about him, just shut the hell up. That isn't any of your busines." Alec pulled Jace up to look at him and saw that his eyes remained bloodshot and he likely hadn't slept the night before.

"Like hell it isn't my business." Alec hissed at him. "Will and Jem are as much my family as they are yours. I've known them for nine years! Have you ever thought that maybe Will needs you right now? You shouldn't be making him go through this alone."

"Let go of me," Jace slurred at him as he yanked his arm away.

"Drink that water because you're coming with me to the hospital." Alec ordered sharply as he folded his arms tightly

"You can't tell me what the fuck to do Alec. I don't want to go there."

"HE MIGHT NOT COME OUT OF THERE JACE!" Alec screamed at him in the empty park. "You might never see your dad again except for at his funeral! Can you really live with yourself if you never say goodbye?"

"I'm not like you." Jace said after he had taken a gulp of the water. "I just can't do this. I can't watch him die and I can't handle saying goodbye. I just... can't."

"You have to." Alec said firmly. "I'm sorry, but as your best friend I will make you go in there. You need to face your emotions and tell Jem how much you fucking love him. I know you don't want to talk to me, even if I don't know why. I will be with you the entire time, and it will be okay Jace. Will might never forgive you if you never show up. He's all you have Jace, they're all you have for family and family is everything."

"Fine," Jace muttered as he walked somewhat unevenly towards his car.

"Get in, I'm driving." Alec snapped at him as he stalked towards his own car. Jace gave him an unreadable look as he climbed in the passenger side.

Alec could feel his best friend shaking beside him as they rode the elevator up to the fourth floor. Alec knew Jace was falling apart, but he was still so furious Jace had gotten drunk in a park instead of being here. He had a suspicion Jace had been drinking far too much lately and it was worrisome. Jace followed him down the hall but stopped dead when they were able to hear the three of them talking inside. Alec had decided anger had gotten them this far, but anger wasn't what was going to get Jace in that room.

"C'mon Jace, it'll be okay." Jace's eyes finally met his own as he swallowed hard several times.

"I can't go in there Alec, I can't." Jace's eyes were darting around and his body was stiff as a board. Alec sighed and gave in to the urge to comfort rather than condemn.

"Jace," Alec said quietly as he stood in front of him and took a pale hand in his own. "You don't need a front today. Today is about accepting what's happening and being there for them. Will might ream you later for being slightly intoxicated, but right now they won't. They'll just be glad to see you."

"Okay," Jace gripped his hand tightly. "Let's go then."

MBALMBALMB

Jace had never felt this out of place in his life as he followed Alec into the hospital room his father was staying in. His eyes found Will first out of anyone, as they usually did. He had hero-worshipped his father when he was younger, and Will was always his rock through everything. He bit his lip to see Will's eyes red-rimmed. Will never cried, it was a rule of the universe. He hadn't stopped shaking as he shoved his hands in his pockets and could only think of how much easier this would be to deal with if he was sober.

"Hi Jace," His gaze snapped next to Will where Jem sat leaning his head on Will's shoulder gently. Their hands were tangled together on the bed between them and Jace tried not to think of how this could be the last time seeing his fathers together. He knew Jem's chances weren't the best of coming out of this surgery just fine, but it had never hit him quite like this.

"Hey," Jace got out, startling himself with how shaky his voice was despite his best efforts to keep it even.

"Can you guys give us a few minutes?" Will asked as he looked at Magnus and Alec. The two of them got up and brushed by Jace, Magnus squeezing his shoulder tightly as he left. As the door clicked shut behind them Jace felt a pang shoot through him as they were alone. He looked around the room at the unappealing décor before settling his gaze on the floor. He wished he had about two more bottles of whiskey in him before dealing with this. Feeling all of this was way too much.

"Jace," Will's deep voice tried to grab his attention, but Jace found he couldn't even look at his father, either of them. His whole body felt numb even as his heart beat painfully against his ribs. He was shivering helplessly and wished he was anywhere else. He wished they were all home and that Jem had never gotten cancer. He wished things could go back to last year, when they were all happy.

"Come on over here Jace, it's okay." Jem's soft voice coaxed him from the bed. Jace wanted to simply do as he was told, but his body wouldn't move. He found himself taking a step back instead, foolishly thinking that if he didn't look at Jem it didn't make it real. His back hit the wall and he felt incredibly trapped and that the room was shrinking bit by bit.

A hand on the back of his neck startled him enough to make him look up to meet Will's blue gaze. His father looked at him for a long moment with only concern and love in his gaze. It felt like he hadn't seen Will in weeks when it really had been just yesterday. The shaking increased at the gentle touch and he felt as if he were about to break apart completely and the weeks of being numb were catching up with him all at once in one mess of feeling.

"Jace," Will said softly as he pressed their foreheads together. Jace shrank back even as his father reached to pull him into an embrace. "God Jace, you're shaking. It's okay baby, it's okay."

"Dad," Jace felt his throat closing up at the pet name he hadn't heard since he was a small child, before Alec had ever come into their lives. He couldn't remember the last time he had been called that.

"Bring him over Will, I can't exactly come over there." The joke was a weak one as Will wrapped an arm around him and led him towards the one place had hadn't really looked at yet. Jem looked paler and thinner in the hospital gown hooked up to so many machines than he ever had at home. He looked so fragile and Jace finally realized that Alec had been absolutely right. There was a great chance he would never see Jem again.

"Lay down next to me baby."Jem said as he scooted over to make room. Will's hand on the small of his back urged him forwards when all he wanted to do was run as fast as he could to the opposite end of the earth. He squeezed into the slight space next to Jem to find Jem's arms around him instantly, feeling surprisingly as strong as they always had. Jace had always felt unquestionably safe in his arms. Will kept a hand in his hair behind him.

"You listen to me Jonathan Christopher Herondale." Jem whispered to him softly. "I have loved you from the minute I held you for the first time. You were tiny, chubby, and blonde, but the most beautiful thing I had ever seen. I never knew I could love someone the same way I love your father before I met you. I don't care what you've done, or what you ever will do, you are the best thing that has ever happened to the both of us. " Jace could feel the tears start and tried not to let the sobs out that wanted to rise. Will's strong hands were on his shoulders while Jem held him tightly against him. "I want you to promise me you'll let Will in. I want you to promise me you'll let him help you through this. I know you hate being coddled and held. I know you hate facing difficult things, which you can blame your father for, but Jace it's what makes us human. These awful feeling balance out the amazing ones. You need to let someone hold your hand when things get hard, okay? Will isn't very good at reading you like I am. He tries, but kind of fails most of the time. He plays the tough guy, but he's a softie really."

"Watch it Jem," Will warned playfully.

"I don't want you to go," Jace sobbed finally as everything he had put off feeling crashed over him. "Please,"

"Baby, I can't promise you anything." Jem whispered to him as he kissed his hair. "I will only tell you I will fight like hell."

"Guys, they're taking him now." Magnus said quietly as he stood by the door with a team of doctors waiting.

"No!" Jace sobbed as he never had before. He could never remember his heart breaking in quite this way. "No, please!"

"C'mon Jace, we have to let go now." Will said even as it was obvious he was far from ready himself.

"Dad, I can't" Jace whispered as he clung to Jem like a lifeline. Jem had tears of his own sliding down his cheeks as he pried the pale arms from around him. He felt a pair of arms pull him from the bed and turned to bury his face in a chest that must have belonged to Magnus.

"We'll see you when you get back Jem." Magnus said confidently over his head. Alec stepped forwards and hugged him for a long moment with a whispered goodbye before stepping back to hold Magnus's free hand tightly. Jace could only watch as his fathers said their final goodbyes exchanging a soft, last kiss. His sobs quieted as he was transferred to Will's arms and they both watched Jem being taken from them and could only pray for his return.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OKAY another chapter up and running! This, omg this chapter just is crazy even for me. I swear this is the last big roller coaster of a chapter, or at least I think so. You may think this drama is a bit over the top but it has a point as you'll see at the end. Also, please don't hurt me for Jem. It was the way the story had to go unfortunately. Please don't hate me for having to do it.
> 
> YOU GUYS ARE SERIOUSLY AMAZING! The response to this story is fantastic and I can't believe it! Thank you for reading and reviewing what you think of it! Every review makes my day and I read them at least three times! I love you all and hope you stay on this journey with me, Alec, and Magnus. The Malec is coming I have to assure you. Less then five chapters until they get their shit together I can tell you that much. It's killing me just as much as you I promise!
> 
> Happy, happy reading! (No tissues required this time)
> 
> TW: Mentions of self harm

Alec was no stranger to feeling numb. He knew how it was to feel like reality was so far away you could barely touch it with your fingertips. He knew it was a dangerous feeling, possibly deadly. He knew getting feeling to come back caused a desperation so intense you would never feel anything like it again. He had been there at a time his life and in the days following Jem's funeral he felt it creeping back up on him.

He would talk to Magnus, and he could if it wasn't for the fact that his guardian was a little busy trying to keep Will in enough pieces to function. Will barely slept when he was home and he was at work so much it was as if he lived there. Jace had stayed with them for a couple of days, but he didn't last long with them before going back home again. Jace hadn't cried a tear since they had wheeled Jem down that long hallway ten days ago and it concerned Alec more than he could say. He knew Jace almost as well as he knew Magnus and he knew that the road Jace was going down was disaster. He needed to let some of it go or he would completely self-destruct and when he did he would likely take someone down with him.

A soft thump next to him drew his attention to Jonathan, the very man who he had sworn to himself to write off for good after what had happened. He knew Jon was no good for him. He knew it and yet he stayed anyways. Jon had been right when he told him it got easier after the first time in some ways. The physical pain was gone after that first time, unless Jon had some new kinks he wanted to try out. The emotional pain hadn't left though and every time he left that Manhattan apartment he felt like the lowest of the low and while things were still okay in general he could feel he was falling apart. Sex with Jonathan was hardly his romantic dream, but it made everything seem real for awhile.

"You're a bit out of it today," Jon reached over to brush some hair off his forehead. Alec shrugged and pulled a blanket from the back of the couch to curl up in. He knew he had to leave soon, not because Jon would make him, but because he would never let himself stay afterward. He didn't want to get attached.

"It was a long day at school." Alec quietly replied as he checked his phone for messages and found none once more. He kept hoping Jace would call. They had mended their friendship through the funeral, or so he had thought but Jace hadn't spoken to him in days once more. Magnus was working at the salon late and he didn't want to go home to an empty house.

"Look, I know you think I'm an asshole." Jon said softly as he sat by Alec's head. "I may not be head over heels for you, but I do care about you."

"I don't think that about you," Alec said quickly, knowing the consequences of hesitating. He had learned this game quickly over the last few weeks. "I know you care for me, and I do for you. I'm sorry I wasn't very enthusiastic I just..."

"Well, do try and put some effort into it next time? It's really not much fun if you just lay there." Jon stretched languidly and threw Alec's clothes in his direction before heading off to shower. Alec laid staring at the plastered ceiling and wondered why he didn't feel anything. The first time with Jonathan he had felt everything. He had ended up having a complete breakdown and things had gotten so much worse since then.

He rubbed his wrists and faintly noticed they were starting to bruise before pulling on his shirt and firmly pulling the sleeves down to cover his hands. He finished getting dressed and ran a brush through his hair he found on the dresser before knocking on the door

"I have to go Jon." He hoped Jon would let him leave without a fuss this time.

"Right, okay, so tomorrow night?" Alec sighed and closed his eyes for a moment.

"I have homecoming tomorrow night. I probably won't see you this weekend."

"I'll call you tomorrow then. You better pick up." Alec shook his head as a ball of anxiety settled in his stomach. He wasn't much in the mood to even go, but Izzy had made him promise to go with them so he could make sure she didn't do anything stupid to ruin her date with Simon.

Life without Jem Carstaris in it was turning out to be a complete disaster.

He passed by Alicante just as Magnus was leaving which made him smile a bit as he ran to catch up.

"Hi," Alec said as happily as he could manage while linking their hands. He didn't know what had started this new habit, but ever since the hospital they had linked hands whenever they were walking together.

"Oh, hello," Magnus said absently, though he pulled his hand away gently. Alec tried to ignore the sharp pain that shot through him and settled for shoving his hands into his pockets. Magnus had been different since that Saturday morning, much more withdrawn than ever before. Alec had no idea how to help him, though he desperately wanted to.

"Are you okay?" Alec asked quietly as he tugged on Magnus's sleeve after a few blocks. He couldn't remember when Magnus had ever been this quiet around him. Magnus was always talking about something from his day, or something he had read that morning, or just something in general.

"Oh, yeah I'm alright. I just had to fire some people today and it was awful." Alec frowned and wanted to comfort him but the older man remained a bit closed off. He knew Magnus's salon was being forced to downsize when one of his top stylists had left and taken dozens of clients with them.

"It's not your fault Magnus, and maybe you can hire them back when business picks back up." Magnus hummed in reply as he took the lead to their apartment. He seemed sad, they all did, and it was starting to consume him with all the grief everyone was having. He couldn't blame any of them of course, but he was an empathetic person and he felt it when they were this upset. He followed Magnus inside and while the older man went into the kitchen he got an idea to cheer him up.

Magnus had started a tradition years ago whenever one of them would get into a sad funk. They would have dance parties. Magnus loved to dance more than anyone Alec had ever met and while he could hardly do more than shuffle his feet he had to admit blasting music and moving around helped a bad mood at least a little.

He selected Taylor, Magnus's favorite, and put her in the stereo system they had from mismatched parts they had found together over the years. It was rigged in many, many places but it worked, kind of like their entire lives if one wanted to think too deeply into it.

"Shake it off" blared through the speakers and Alec smiled slightly as he started to bounce on his toes, knowing in a matter of moments Magnus would be singing and dancing with him to put a smile on his face. Magnus shuffled in with a hand pressed to his head and a drink in his hand, which was most unusual. Alec wasn't even sure they had any in the house and after his best friend was drunk more often than he was sober these days it was the last thing he wanted to see.

"Alec, cut it out. I have a headache." Alec froze completely and stared like he had never met Magnus before in his life.

"When we're sad we have dance parties, it's like a mandatory thing. You never give me a choice." The annoyance in the look Magnus gave him cut like a knife and the music was abruptly cut off.

"Well I'm an adult so I get a choice. I just want a drink and some aspirin to make my head feel better. I just want a quiet night in before I have to deal with tomorrow." Alec hugged himself as he noted the lack of glitter Magnus was wearing, and he couldn't remember the last time he had seen glitter on him.

"Can I do anything?" Alec asked helplessly as Magnus settled into a corner of the couch with a sigh.

"No, not really Alec" The lack of pet names made Alec feel about an inch tall and suddenly he wished he would have stayed with Jon.

"Can I still sleep with you tonight?" It was the last thing Alec wanted from Magnus, just the promise of a warm bed at night. He knew he probably shouldn't at the age he was at but the comfort and warmth he found there was addictive. He needed it more than just about anything.

"Yeah, I'll be up in a while." Alec nodded and went upstairs figuring Magnus wanted to be alone right now. He laid in bed staring at the spot Magnus was supposed to lay in and wondered if the lot of them would ever be okay again because right now it sure didn't feel that way.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Alec started the morning of homecoming waking up alone and finding Magnus asleep on the couch. He made quick work of taking a shower and left before Magnus could disappoint him again. He knew it wasn't Magnus's fault and that he just needed time. Alec could give him that for awhile, it was the least he could do.

He arrived to Izzy's house earlier than planned, but she was as happy to see him as ever. She had found the perfect red dress to wear that night and was bouncing around as she got ready in her bedroom that was nearly the size of the apartment he shared with Magnus.

"Are you excited?" Izzy asked him as she curled her long, black hair the way she wanted it. Alec shrugged and skimmed her bookshelf for something to read while he waited for the next two hours.

"I suppose, should be quite the affair. Your school doesn't do anything by half."

"You've never been to a dance before?" Alec shook his head as he found a Harry Potter book on the top shelf and noted Simon would be proud of something remotely nerdy in her bedroom.

"Nah, our dances were never very fun at my old school. Cops mostly broke them up after an hour or so. It wasn't my scene."

"Intense school." Alec chuckled imagining Izzy in that kind of school, then abruptly stopping upon realizing she would have done much better than he ever had. "So, how have you been? I've hardly seen you since the funeral. Jace hasn't been in school much."

"Do we have to talk about it?" Alec asked as he let the book rest over his face. He just wanted some time without a reminder of their loss.

"I guess not. You're okay though?"

"Yeah Iz, I'm getting by okay. It's just been hard getting over it. Jace is likely not sober enough to remember to come to school most of the time."

"Where does he even get it from? I try and get drinks for a party now and then and even I have a hard time."

"Jonathan, always Jonathan."

"Clary's brother?" Izzy asked with a small amount of surprise. "The same one you keep on seeing though I tell you not to?" Alec poked his tongue out at her.

"Small world,"

"Well at least they'll get along as brother in-laws." Alec snorted and abandoned his book in favor of helping his sister pin the hair she had already done out of the way. He had seen Magnus do it a million times and knew how to do it without ruining the curl. She smiled at him as he gazed at her reflection. He tore his eyes away as guilt tore at him. He still hadn't found a way to tell her they were siblings and with each day that went by his guilt grew in leaps and bounds. "So, is Jace getting help? Clary is worried about him. She says he's hardly sober around her anymore."

"That would be on Will, and so I doubt it. Will hasn't been home much since the funeral and I don't think he plans on coming home much from now on. He just doesn't know how to deal with it. Jace mentioned he wants to move out of New York and get away from everything and they had a huge fight about it. Then again I'm sure they were both drunk at the time so who knows what really happened."

"Fuck, what a mess." Izzy spun on her stool and looked at him properly. "You want to tell me you're just fine."

"I have my outlets, and they're legal."

"If you aren't okay will you talk to me?" Izzy pressed on in spite of him trying to make light of things.

"I'll try," Alec said as honestly as he could "I haven't talked to anyone but Magnus in ages honestly about that kind of stuff."

"You two are good?"

"Magnus is sad, really sad. I know it seems so simple but that's all it is. It's just this deep sadness he hasn't shaken yet. He'll snap out of it eventually. Some days are worse than others, grief just takes time I guess. We're good though, Magnus just doesn't want to talk very much these days."

"I'm so sorry Alec." She stood to pull him into a tight hug. Alec gripped onto her tightly, relishing in the feel of it for as long as she would let him. She kissed his cheek before settling back down to finish her hair.

Hours later Alec was helping her zip her dress up and slip her shoes on. They had taken a million pictures getting ready together and Izzy insisted on ten more before they met Simon downstairs. The Lightwoods were out on business so Isabelle was home alone for the weekend making it easy for him to be here without things being awkward.

Simon stood outside holding flowers along with a corsage for her wrist made of white roses They were breathtaking and the smile on his sister's face confirmed Alec's feeling that these two were going to be perfect together. He never believed in match-making and while he hadn't had much part in it all coming together he was so happy it had.

"Nice flowers," Alec commented as he went to stand by his best friend and wait for Izzy to get back from finding a vase inside.

"Expensive fucking flowers." Simon grumbled as he straightened his tie. "I guess as long as she likes them it's worth it, but I hope my band gets a few gigs soon before I'm completely broke. Tell your boyfriend to throw a party already, he pays well."

"He isn't my boyfriend." Alec protested as he pushed Simon playfully. "You need some real venues."

"Tell me about it. You'd think it'd be a bit easier in a city with ten bars on every block, but it isn't. You'd think maybe the school would offer us something."

"Alright, let's go!" Izzy called as she carefully made her way down the front stairs. Alec went to sit in the backseat of Isabelle's car as they said their proper hellos. He smirked as he kissed the back of her hand making her laugh and blush faintly.

They were all set up to be having one of the best nights of their entire lives.

Why hasn't he learned by now that that isn't the way his life ever goes?

Screaming filled the air as his head spun making him see double around the city. He wondered why the buildings seemed to be so much closer when he realized he was outside the car instead of inside and had no idea of how exactly that had happened. He distantly heard sirens as he sat up feeling as dizzy as ever and wanting to get rid of everything he had eaten in the last year. The smell of burnt rubber reached him as he forced himself to move his head and figure out just what had happened. His blood completely froze in his veins as he looked to his right.

Isabelle's car looked unrecognizable with one side completely smashed in and toppled over in the middle of the intersection. Another car, the one that had caused this horrific scene, was about six inches shorter than it was supposed to be as the front was smashed in completely. Glass littered the pavement everywhere he looked. He had to find Izzy, and Simon, and figure out if they were okay. He took a steadying breath and wondered why his head felt so heavy and full of cotton. He felt something trickle down his neck and reached a hand to wipe the water away absently. He put it back down to the pavement and felt his stomach roll when all he saw was bright red blood. He tried to move and pain shot up his leg so badly it made him nearly scream himself. He looked down to see that while both legs were in tact the left one was turned the complete wrong way. Horror rose in him sharply and he tried not to panic as he sat on the pavement alone.

"Izzy!" He hollered as loud as he could. "Isabelle! Simon! Are you guys okay?!" The sirens got louder and made his head throb even more intensely that he started seeing spots. His breathing quickened as he fought his stomach to stay calm. He crawled on shaking limbs closer to the car. He had to know if his sister was alright. He couldn't lose her before he ever got to tell her the truth.

"Alec!" It was Simon, climbing out of the back window. One of his arms was hanging completely limp and caused him to lilt to one side as he stood outside of the car "Oh my God, you're okay!"

"Do yo know what happened? I don't know how we got here. We were putting out seat belts on and then we're here. My head fucking hurts." Alec collapsed on his stomach and raised a hand to his head again. Simon gasped as the blood that came away was thicker this time and he felt it covering his neck now.

"Fuck Alec, don't move. You must have a concussion or some other crazy brain thing going on. You need to stay awake, but-"

"JACE!" The scream had left Alec before he even fully realized what blonde head he was staring at twenty feet away. "JACE, ARE YOU OKAY? JACE!"

"Is-is that Jace?" Simon asked in shock as he stared at the blonde. "Jace is the one who fucking hit us with his car?"

"We were in an car accident?" Alec asked before shaking his head, knowing it was a stupid question. Everything was getting blurry the longer he tried to make sense of it. The sirens had reached them as countless vehicles surrounded them and people started running all different directions. The vibrations through the pavement made his head pound more severely and the world didn't seem to want to stay right side up anyways. Despite Simon yelling at him to open his eyes he let them drift close and hoped it would be over soon. He just wanted all the pain to be over.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

The next time he woke up he was terrified and confused about what the hell was going on. He had tubes running out of him and he was in the hospital of all places. He tried to bold upright and felt his stomach lose it's fight to keep its contents down any longer. People immediately surrounded him giving him all kinds of instructions that he just couldn't process that quickly. Words were coming to him at a slower pace than usual and the bright lights were making his head feel like someone was slicing it in half. Hands were all over him, checking things and making him lay back against the pillows that made his head hurt as well.

"M'nus," Alec mumbled as he started to cry helplessly. He felt as if he were five years old again. The world didn't make sense and he had strangers around him all the time. He felt so sick and just wanted one person with him.

"What's he saying?" A blonde woman asked loudly. Alec wanted to punch her in the face. "Shut up everybody for a second! We need to see if he can talk."

"M'nus," Alec said again as the tears came a bit faster. He knew crying would make the headache worse but couldn't seem to help it. His entire body hurt and he couldn't move his left leg.

"My name is Amanda," A face finally came into focus in front of him, making him a bit calmer. "You're at the hospital after a very bad accident."

"Magnus," Alec finally was able to say a bit more clearly as he struggled away from the loud blonde. After his third attempt seemed to bring no results he slumped lifelessly while they listened to him breathe and checked his vitals. It was a flurry of movement he couldn't hope to follow just then. One of the nurses began wiping his face off making him whine in protest at her close proximity since her perfume was making him feel sick again.

"Just let me in there already!" The shout hurt his head but it was still welcome as he recognized the owner. He squirmed and tried to sit up again before half a dozen hands stopped him. His gown was being stripped off of him since it was soiled and he whined again when he was naked and cold.

"Let me see him! You're making him upset!"

"We're cleaning him up sir. We are only trying to help." Amanda tried to explain but Magnus Bane was having none of it.

"You don't think I can do that?! I've dealt with sick kids before this. Just let me do it. He's sick and you're making him scared. He's never been in a hospital before. Get the hell out!" The room grew much quieter and his hands were taken into warm ones while he was searching for a blanket.

"M'nus!" It came out more as a mumble than anything but the warm chuckle he got in response told him the message was delivered either way.

"Hello Alec darling, I'm here." Alec reached a hand up to fist in Magnus's soft shirt to keep him close. Magnus pressed his lips to his cheek and nose in several small kisses. Alec finally relaxed and blinked to focus a bit more. A curtain was all that separated them from the rest of the hospital and it made him more uneasy than before. Magnus was here in his pajama pants and sweatshirt Alec had given him years before with Brooklyn Boys on the front of it and that was all that mattered.

"I need clothes," Alec finally said as he calmed down enough to concentrate on speaking clearly. His tongue felt heavy as if it didn't work just right, but he was able to form sentences which was a small comfort.

"They're going to find you a gown, love. She'll be back soon." Magnus sat close to him and shielded him from the view of the rest of the Emergency Department. He still felt the world spinning a bit and so he inched closer to hide his face in Magnus's chest, the place that had always made sense when nothing else would.

"What happened?" Alec whispered as his mind tried to piece things together. "Why am I so confused? My head hurts so much and I threw up all over that poor lady. Am I sick?"

"You were in a car accident." Magnus's voice shook slightly as his hands ran up and down his back in comfort. "You were on your way to homecoming and a car hit you when it ran a red light going way too fast. You have a concussion which makes you feel pretty sick for a while and your knee is broken." Magnus kissed his as he temple as he tried to make eye contact. "Did you get any of that?"

"Yeah, I think so." A nurse dropped off a gown and asked if they were alright. He closed his eyes as Magnus waved her away and helped him put it on at last. "Is Izzy okay? Simon?"

"I don't know yet, I'm sorry." Magnus hadn't left his spot at his side and Alec was grateful. He wanted to keep Magnus close until he figured it all out. He gripped Magnus's hand tightly and felt reassured when it was squeezed back just as tight.

"My head hurts," Alec whined softly as he raised a hand to touch it. Magnus caught his wandering hand quickly and brought it back to his side. "What's happened?"

"Alec-" Magnus looked extremely alarmed before Alec blinked a few times and it rushed back to him. He remembered the sirens and burning rubber. The sight of cars that didn't even look like cars anymore. He remembered Simon covered in scratches and leaning dangerously to one side before spotting the blonde hair behind him.

"Jace!" Alec cried out as more and more images came back to him.

"Alec, Jace is okay. He wasn't in the car with you." Magnus soothed him quietly as he stroked his face. "Maybe you should try and sleep sweet pea, give yourself some time to heal."

"No, no!" Alec tore off his blankets and made to stand up before remembering his leg certainly wouldn't hold his weight. He cried out in pain as he nearly fell before Magnus righted him and lowered him back to the bed. "Jace was the one that hit us! Jace was lying there and he wouldn't move! Is Jace okay?"

"Shh, Alec, okay it's okay just lay back for me." Alec felt his stomach acting up again with all the movement and the world wouldn't stay still as Magnus forced him to lay back on the pillows. His knee had now joined the throbbing pain in his head. He couldn't get comfortable and was so worried about what was going on outside of their curtained off area. "Let's try something new." Magnus said softly as he shifted so he was behind Alec and the younger man could lay on his chest. Alec sighed in contentment as Magnus's arms came around him and rubbed his stomach softly. He fell asleep to Magnus humming softly to him and feeling safe for a moment.

Magnus felt Alec finally fall asleep and sighed in relief. He hated seeing Alec like this, so hurt and helplessly confused. The concussion he suffered was pretty severe and he needed to rest rather than make himself upset. Alec had never been on the patient side of things at a hospital and Magnus was sure that was freaking him out enough.

"Magnus?" A mop of black hair poked their head in and Magnus sat in shock, thinking Alec had been confused before. Seeing Will here made what Alec said a reality after all, Jace had been the one to nearly destroy them. "Is Alec okay?"

"He's alive," Magnus whispered harshly. He was trying not to be angry at Will, but he had told the other man for weeks something was wrong with Jace. He knew losing Jem was unbearable for his friend but when your kid was falling apart you had no choice but to pull it together enough to make sure they didn't fall off the deep end. It had always been like that with the Herondales as long as Magnus had known them. Jace was always pulling one reckless stunt after another and until now it had been mostly harmless stuff. Jem had been the one to reign things back in when they got out of control. Will was a very loving father, but tended to be a bit absent from it all. There was a lot to say on the matter, but first he had to get away from Alec to let the poor boy sleep some.

He shifted out form under Alec, shushing him quietly back to sleep when he began to wake again. He crept out and pulled the curtain shut as he faced Will at last. Will was dressed in scrubs and it was obvious he had been at work once again. He hardly left these days.

"Do you even know what's happened?" Magnus asked Will harshly as they stood in a mostly empty hallway. "Do you even know why I'm here?"

"I assume Alec is sick? Jace was in a car accident. I guess he's okay but I can't see him for a bit still. I'm glad he's alright. Not that I really ever wanted to be in here again of all places." Magnus clenched a hand in his hair to keep from punching something.

"Have the police talked to you?" Will shook his head as he checked his phone.

"No, they just said they'd have someone call me when I could see Jace. There are a lot of cops here tonight though come to think of it."

"Will," Magnus said with anger lacing his every word. "Your son hit a car full of teenagers on their way to homecoming. Jace hit Alec with a car. Your son nearly killed three teenagers tonight!"

"What?!" Will's jaw went slack as he stared in disbelief. "No, you must be joking. Jace just got into some little accident. Alec was in a car accident?"

"Alexander has a concussion and a broken knee Will!" Magnus lost control of his temper and started shouting. "What else are you going to let happen before you start taking control of things? Your son got behind the wheel of a car completely wasted! He could have killed people William!"

"I can't believe this," Will sank down into a chair, seemingly in shock. Magnus shook his head and came to stand in front of him, not buying it.

"What do you mean you can't believe this? I've been telling you for ages something was wrong! Something has been wrong since before Jem died! I've told you countless times you needed to get your act together for your son! This should not be a surprise to you!" Will frowned and finally started to snap back.

"Gee Magnus I wonder why I didn't listen? You haven't liked Jace for years! You only tolerate him because of Alec! I thought you were just being paranoid! No one could have seen this coming!"

"Jace was drunk at your husband's funeral and you did nothing!"

"Jace was grieving. I understood he needed some way to get through things. Hell, I wasn't exactly stone cold sober that day either."

"Will, you are his father! James isn't here to pick up the pieces anymore. You have to be around to notice things. Is he still grieving Will? How long are yo going to let him drink until he doesn't have to think about things anymore? You can't be teaching him this is the way to deal with things. Do you know what I do for Alec when he's upset? I have dance parties with him, or I let him eat as much ice cream as he wants while we watch movies. Sometimes I just hold him until he feels a tiny bit better! That is what you do when your children are upset, you teach them healthy ways to cope."

"Don't preach at me like you're so good at this." Will seethed. "What about two years ago when Alec had more scars on his body than smooth skin? You are hardly any better than I am."

"The difference between you and I is that I got Alec over that. I helped him get better. Alec has made mistakes in his life and has horrible coping methods of his own. However I stuck around to notice them and help him! Alec has never nearly killed anyone!" People had been staring for minutes now and Magnus knew the two of them were only moments away from getting security called on them. Magnus knew he couldn't stay here and hash this out with Will right now. "You are my best friend and that is the only reason I am not pressing charges. You better pray you're as lucky with the other parents."

MBALBMALMBAL

"Alec!" Izzy cried the minute his leg came into view. Alec grinned hearing her voice at last. It was his fourth day in the hospital and he was feeling much better. He wasn't nearly as confused, though standing too quickly had been proving to be a problem. His leg was now splinted with a brace and elevated at all times to give his knee time to heal. He would be out of school for a little while, but he was just glad the three of them made it out alive.

"Hey Izy," Alec grinned as he was wheeled beside her bed. She still looked very pale, but at least she was awake and alert this time. "It's nice to see you awake finally!"

"I needed my beauty sleep. You look like a mummy." She tilted her head to the side as Alec laughed.

"The bandages come off tomorrow and I think I can go home as well."

"Maybe," Magnus stressed to him. "We're not rushing things. "

"Oh and this is Magnus!" Alec said with a huge smile. "You finally get to meet him."

"Hi," Izzy said with a small wave. "I normally look much more fabulous than this. You're, um, less glittery than Alec described."

"Well," Magnus rubbed the back of his neck. "I've been staying here as much as I can. Hospital life isn't good on patients or visitors it would seem." Izzy smiled.

"I am so glad you're okay. Simon told me you were, but it was hard to believe when I couldn't see you."

"Is Simon here?" Alec looked around for his usual bag. "He only visited me once with his arm still in that sling."

"His shoulder got dislocated and he got a lot of damage from broken glass mostly. He'll be okay." Izzy looked down at her lap and Alec indicated for Magnus to find something else to do. The older man left with a tiny smile and a kiss to his cheek. Alec blushed as Izzy once again grinned like a maniac.

"Don't say it," Alec warned.

"You two are adorable!" Alec rolled his eyes.

"No we aren't, Magnus just cares about me." Izzy folded her arms stubbornly.

"Are you really saying you've never thought about him in any kind of romantic or sexual way? He's a sex god Alec." Alec cleared his throat loudly.

"So, Simon visited you? That still on then?" Izzy sighed and pouted slightly at the question, but knew she had no choice trapped in a bed but to answer.

"He's sweet. He brought me more flowers even. He said he felt bad I couldn't enjoy the first batch he bought me." Alec felt his heart swell as he saw Izzy smile like that. It was a wistful smile, and a happy one.

"So, what's going on with you? Not that you don't look fabulous, but you still look pretty sick. When do you get out of here? Are your parents back yet?" Izzy shook her head.

"No, they won't be here until either late tonight or early tomorrow morning. I don't even want them to come. My dad tends to dramatize everything and he'll cause a scene about something I'm sure."

"You were nearly killed Iz, he's allowed to be upset." Izzy looked away from him completely.

"I don't want them pressing charges and destroying Jace's life. I've made my own share of really bad mistakes and nothing even happened to me." Her eyes misted over for a moment before she absently wiped it aawy. "I'm, um, waiting for a liver match. A pretty large section of my liver got pretty damaged from the steering column. Their best bet is finding a family member to match, but as my parents aren't back we still have to wait."

"You need a liver transplant?" Izzy looked a bit alarmed at him.

"I'll be okay, I'm not dying. Please don't go that shade of pale!" Alec took a few calming breaths, forgetting he couldn't get upset like that right now. His head was better, but anything could set it off these days.

"Well, they can test me." Alec said without really thinking about it. He froze and looked at Izzy who was giving him a kind smile.

"That's really sweet. Simon said the same thing but the doctors said it had to be family. I don't how I got so lucky to have two guys willing to throw their livers at me."

"No, Iz." Alec protested quietly. "They really can test me."

"What are you on about? Just because we have this weird last name coincidence doesn't mean we're related. Even if by some weird chance you were my long lost cousin the odds that you are a match would be so, so thin." She leaned forwards to take his hand. "Alec I know you want to help but they'll find me a match."

"Isabelle," Her gaze snapped up to meet his fully. "They need to test me because I'm your brother." Silence fell for a long moment in the room as Izzy tried to process his words.

"How-" She began before pausing and taking a deep breath. "How could you possibly know something like that? How is that even possible?"

"My parents gave me up when I was a baby, I told you that." She nodded, looking far paler than she had before "I know this is really pathetic to convince you like this. I have a copy of my birth certificate with me somewhere. I kept meaning to tell you and while I don't know much of anything about my parents I know their names are Robert and Maryse and that I have their last name. How many Lightwood couple in New York are Robert and Maryse?"

"Oh my God," Izzy placed a hand over her mouth as she started to cry Alec cursed softly and wished he could move closer to her more easily. He put the brakes on his wheelchair and eased himself up to hop over to her bed. She let him put an arm around her, though she didn't seem to really be aware of what's going on at that moment. "They told me you were dead."

"What? They told you about me?" Alec nearly fell off the edge of the bed at her confession.

"Mom has a blue blanket, a baby blanket." Izzy said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I've seen her holding it time and again and crying over it. She always told me that she had a miscarriage before she had me. She told me you were a still born and that his name had been Alexander. She told me you died." Izzy slowly turned to look at him. "But, you're here and alive. You've been in the same city as me my entire life. She gave you up?"

"Maryse said I'd died?" Alec was completely mystified. "That's too weird."

"Oh my god you're Alexander Lightwood." Izzy's cheeks were flooded with tears. "I never put it together because I kept telling myself it was just a weird coincidence. You're my brother. You would never in a million years make this up."

As Izzy threw herself into his arms in an embrace Alec couldn't help but think his life just might be putting itself back together, just the slightest bit.

Magnus had protested at first when Alec told him he wanted to give Izzy part of his liver, but he was quickly quieted when Alec pointed out Izzy was literally his only true family he had. He had to save her if he could. It meant a couple extra weeks of recovery, but it was well worth it.


	10. Chapter 10

The months Jem was sick it had certainly crossed Will's mind that Jem might not make it to the end of his fight. The doctors had told them how aggressive this kind was and how quickly it tended to spread out through the organs. Will had thought about Jem dying from time to time and even imagining it hurt his heart more than he wanted to admit. The reality, however, was so mush worse.

He had never been lonely, as a child, teen, or young adult. He had always found a group of friends to call his own and belong with for as long as he could remember. Those numerous friends had never been what Jem had become to him. From the moment they met Will had never wanted to be separated from him. It was no wonder their relationship moved at lightning speeds over the next couple of years so that when Jace came along they were more than ready and established for a child to raise. Now, he was lonely for the first time in his life. He still had friends through work and other things, but it wasn't the same. His heart ached constantly in his chest like it was rotting. He wanted to get out of New York and never come back, and yet part of him never wanted to let that piece of Jem go. He was afraid that if he didn't keep reliving the memories they would vanish like a cloud of smoke.

He knew that if Jace felt even a fraction of what he was then his son was hurting in a way no boy should have to. Jace should be care free as a senior in high school. He should be only worried about his grades and a girl, that should be it. His list should be short and instead it had grown very, very long. He remembered Jem pleading with him to take care of Jace, to make sure he didn't feel alone and upset. Will had failed him already, and it had only been a couple of weeks. What on earth did the rest of his life hold at this point?

He watched as Jace woke slowly, his eyes fluttering open and taking in the unfamiliar surroundings. Will opened his mouth to speak, but then decided to wait one more moment. He watched as the wonder and curiosity faded as Jace realized where he was and what had happened. His face crumbled to a distraught mess as he remembered just what had happened, and the possibilities of what could have happened. Then Will observed as the mask slipped in place that Jace always wore, the one that always said nothing was wrong. He knew Jace had started to drink because the mask was getting harder and harder to keep up. He knew because it had happened to him countless times in the past, before he met and fell in love with James.

They hadn't spoken since the accident since Will truly did have to work a lot and by the time he got to the hospital Jace was usually asleep, or at least pretending to be. Jace had broken several ribs and a hip in the accident. They had kept him in the hospital for therapy for a fortnight and now Jace was on the upwards slope and going home sooner than later. Home was where the real work and healing would begin.

"Morning Jace," Will internally cursed as his tone came out much more harshly than he meant it to. He was so angry at so many things, but oddly enough Jace really wasn't one of them. Jace had been incredibly stupid, and he was very, very lucky no one had died, but Will wasn't angry at him. Jem had been right when he said that all Jace needed was someone to hold him and tell him things would be okay one day. That fell on him, not Jace.

"Dad," Jace said quietly as he shrank back into the pillows and looked nearly afraid of how he would react. He knew very well that he was the one person that Jace cared about getting approval from. Jace was proud, confident, and brilliant. He reminded him so much of himself when he was younger, and of how many mistakes he made back then.

"So-" Will began but was cut off from a voice that had never sounded quite so tiny, even when the speaker had been.

"Please don't yell at me. \I'm sorry." Jace still wouldn't look at him and instead stared at the bed rail beside his head. Any thought of taking the tough and condemning approach left in that instant and Will knew Jace needed a bit of compassion at the moment instead of condemnation.

"How are you feeling, kid?" Will asked as he came to sit with him on the edge of the bed.

"Okay, a bit sore I guess." Jace said carefully, letting golden eyes finally glance at him.

"I'm on your side, you know that don't you?" Will reached over to smooth his hair down where it stuck up in the back the way it always did before he fixed it in the morning.

"You have to hate me, everyone else does." Jace said quietly, sounding miserable. "No one's even come to visit since I've been here. Magnus and Alec must hate me now. I nearly killed h-him." Jace's voice stuttered softly on the last part, and Will was once again reminded just how much he hated seeing him so vulnerable. Will was at a loss of what exactly he should do and so he reached over and did what James told him to do. He took a pale hand in his and held onto it firmly.

"I'm not just everyone else." Will said with a small smile. "I'm your dad, and that counts for a lot. I don't hate you, not even close."

Silence fell between them and Will didn't know how to break it. He wasn't sure if Jace would let him provide any more physical comfort and he just was always at a loss for the right words. The fact was they needed Jem,and he was the one thing they didn't have. "What do I do now? The police told me I've probably lost my license, like for good. I-I don't know if I'm going to jail or not, even if I deserve it. I don't want to go to jail."

"What happened? What made you get in your car that wasted?"

"Clary broke up with me" The confession went nearly unheard even in the quiet hospital room. "She told me last night and that's when I drove off. I was drinking and then I was so angry and upset. She told me she loved me but that she couldn't date a drunk. I felt like such garbage and I had to get away so I got in my car without thinking." Jace started to cry then, glistening drops of water running down his face. Will swore softly as he forgot all concept of personal boundaries and pulled Jace to him in a tight embrace. "When did I become such a fuck up?"

"Hey, hey listen to me." Will said insistently as he put a hand on Jace's neck and made him look at him. This year had taken something from Jace, and as he looked at his tear-stained face he realized he could never give it back. "You, are not a fuck up. You have made some mistakes, and yes they were awful ones, but that does not make you a fuck up. You are a wonderful person who is going to go out there in the world and do some wonderful things."

"Why do you always see me as some wonderful person when I keep proving you wrong?" Jace's voice was a bit muffled against his shoulder as he shifted to lay on his side in Will's arms. Will couldn't remember the last time he held his son like this. They hugged of course, but it had been ages since he had held him close.

"You never do, that's why." Will said confidently. "These last few weeks aren't just on you. They're on me as well. I should have been there for you. I should have made sure you were okay, as your Dad. I never did because I was too caught up with my own problems."

"Your husband died." Jace picked at a button on his shirt as his head was pillowed on his shoulder. "You deserved to be selfish without me being an idiot."

"You lost your father." Will countered. "You are seventeen and you lost someone who meant the world to you. If I can't handle it when I'm nearly twice your age, why should I expect you to?"

"What are we going to do without him?" Jace whispered. "I really miss him, all of the time."

"We are going to counseling." Will said even as he internally winced in protest. "Both of us are going to get some help moving on. I've signed us up with a grief counselor especially for cancer victims and their families. Then, you're going to start making me listen. I'm not very good at it, apparently. I'm not too busy for you, and I never will be. You got that?"

"Yeah," Jace said quietly. "Hey Dad?"

"Mmhmm?"

"Thanks for not hating me." Will leaned down to press a kiss to his forehead.

"Never baby, I never will."

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"Alright," Magus announced as he passed the front desk which his employees were gathered around. The salon had become steadily slower as the winter months hit them and as one of their best stylists walked away with several major clients. The combination was deadly for business, not that Magnus liked to think about any of that these days. He took it day by day, trying to get Alec better form his injuries and keep him from climbing the walls. He was also currently trying to figure out how to pay Idris this month as well as sort out the outrageous hospital bills they had piling up. He would never begrudge Alec for wanting to help his sister by donating his liver, but there was the fact that the Lightwoods could have offered to pay some of the expenses for all of it. Then again they may not even know exactly who it was that saved their daughter from a short life of pain and complications. "Anyone who doesn't have clients the rest of the day needs to head home. I'm sorry, but I can't pay you guys to hang out here. It's supposed to snow tonight so walk-ins are unlikely anyways." Several groans followed with muffled curses as the younger stylists gathered their coats and things to leave. Ragnor and Catarina were the only two left after everyone had gone.

"So, how's Alec?" Cat asked as she sat at the swivel chair behind the counter. "Still having migraines? Is he back in school?"

"The migraines are as bad as ever." Magnus said as he took a sip of coffee. "He can't read more than half an hour at most before it starts kicking in. He can manage them with meds and just taking it easy as much as possible. He's going crazy staying at home though. I might keep him out the rest of the semester the way things are going."

"Good thing he's a genius since he's supposed to graduate this year." Ragnus said with a yawn. "I'm glad Blue made it out of that wreck with four limbs honestly."

"So am I," Magnus said softly. "He has work sent home and works on it as he can. Plus he still is on crutches anyways for another three weeks at least."

"And things are the same between you two?" Magnus rolled his eyes. Cat had been annoyingly curious about their relationship ever since she found out Magnus's true feelings.

"Yes, still the same as ever. I'm not about to drop that bomb anytime soon. Alec has enough to deal with once again. Look, if his life would just get simple for a bit then maybe I'd test the waters, but right now he has three major injuries to get over and plus going crazy trying to catch up on school. He's too sick to even really know what he feels."

"He loves you too." Ragnor said, all traces of exhaustion or humor gone. "I know I'm not serious often, but I am about this. Alexander is crazy about you. I saw it last time he was here. You two have changed dynamics and I think its heading the way you want it to. You need to give it time maybe, but it's going your way."

"Look, this is honestly the last thing I can talk about right now." Magnus ran a hand through his hair. "I'll be in the office making schedules and the like for awhile. Please let me get this done unless some pressing matter comes up." The two nodded mutely as he turned on his heel and retreated into the back office to be alone.

He sighed as he booted up his computer, not looking forwards to the hours of work ahead. Finances were choking him in every direction and he hated being at work to think about it all. The salon wasn't going under by any means, but they might have to downsize in the near future. He had taken two weeks off to be with Alec and since then had only been coming in for half days. He hated leaving Alec alone with migraines and boredom, but now he had no choice. Adding on to his problems was the fact that neither of them had gotten a decent night's sleep since the accident. Alec had his own nightmares about it all, seeing horrific things Magnus wouldn't wish on anyone. The meds he had been taking for the headaches made his dreams more intense than usual anyways so his nightmares left him shaking and crying for a good hour after at best. Not to mention his own dreams which were enough to want him to never sleep again.

The night he had been called about Alec he had driven to the scene first, or what was left of it. He had seen the exact condition of the cars and the stains of blood on the surrounding pavement. It had truly been a wonder those four had made it out of all of it alive. The images had stayed with him no matter how many times he reassured himself Alec was perfectly safe now and simply recovering. The concussion was severe and it was a complicated healing process. He had managed to push the thoughts of Alec nearly dying until he went to sleep, where his most horrid daydreams played out in his mind. He had seen Alec mangled every which way, or simply dead on that cold pavement. His own dreams woke him up screaming and crying himself, without crazy meds. In short, their household had been short on sleep for a while now.

The night dragged on until closing time, but Magnus was grateful for the peace and quiet after weeks of hectic chaos. He finally emerged to tell Ragnor and Cat to head on out while he looked over things and locked up for the night. He pushed away the anxious voice in his mind wondering if he'd be locking up for good sooner rather than later. He wouldn't let that happen, not to his salon. This company had his whole life invested in it and he couldn't let that go.

He approached the apartment to find it looking dark and seemingly empty. That meant Alec had fallen asleep, had an awful migraine again, or had completely ignored him and gone out with someone. He fiddled with his keys for a moment before getting the angle just right to open the door. He hung his keys up on the hook by the door and toed his shoes off, trying to be quiet in case Alec was sleeping. His hands flew to his tie and had the offending piece of fabric off in moments, depositing it off on a chair as he went through to the kitchen to see if Alec had eaten or ordered out for dinner yet. He flipped on the lights and saw the counters clean and empty meaning they needed food right now. If Alec had a migraine he likely hadn't eaten most of the day and Magnus knew Chinese food was something Alec couldn't resist.

After ordering their dinner Magnus crept around the house trying to find where Alec had curled up and fallen asleep at. The couch, where he was meant to be, was empty which made him shake his head in exasperation. Alec could never just sit still, even when he was expressly told to. He turned on the lights then before making his way up to the bedroom, the other most likely place Alec would be. The bedroom door creaked slightly as he toed it open and he sighed in relief to see a lump in their bed. Alec hadn't used his own bed since that night he had had a break down in the early hours of the morning. Magnus didn't mind since the warmth and comfort of another person was always wonderfully welcome, even if it made his feelings go haywire. Since admitting his feeling aloud, they had only gotten stronger by the day.

Alec rolled over and through the dim lighting Magnus saw that he wasn't asleep, just resting. He crept over and knelt down by the bed next to his head.

"Oh sweet pea," Magnus said in sympathy as it quickly became obvious Alec was suffering with his head splitting in half again judging by his tense posture and the dried tear marks. It wasn't uncommon for the episodes to bring him to tears, though it hadn't happened for a few days now and Magnus had hoped they were gone for good. "Another migraine?"

"Yeah," Alec's voice was raspy from disuse and Magnus tried not to find it incredibly attractive. "You're home early."

"It's after eight," Magnus replied as he brushed some hair off of his forehead. "I should hope I'm allowed to come home after about ten hours. The day went by so slow."

"It'll get better." Alec shifted and Magnus saw him wince as he settled back down into the pillows. "Sorry about not ordering dinner. I lost track of time up here, been sleeping and stuff."

"When's the last time you took something? I"ll get you a cool cloth for your head." Magnus went through the motions by routine now. He heard Alec groan at the sudden onslaught of light from the bathroom door and he hastened to close it a bit. "How long has this one lasted?"

"All bloody day," Alec moaned, though his voice sounded stronger and when Magnus turned around he was sitting up. "I read a chapter for Calculus and tried to finish an assignment, that's it. Then I get punished with this shit."

"Can I turn on some light?" Functioning in the dark was so frustrating.

"Yeah, go ahead. It's mostly faded by now anyways." Alec took the cloth from him gratefully as Magnus collapsed on the bed after turning on the lamp. He simply smiled, taking in the beautiful boy in his bed. He loved Alec rumpled and sleepy, it was his weakness. Ht had no shirt on, which was sort of rare actually, and his hair was a rumpled adorable mess when he work up. Though he could have sworn Alec had brushed it that morning before he left. Alec was preoccupied getting oriented to light again and washing off the sweat and tears from his face so Magnus let his eyes wander for just a moment before Alec started to notice. He took in the smooth planes of his skin all the way down to his hips that were only partially covered by pants. He tried to keep his thoughts on an innocent level, but couldn't help wondering how those delicious hips would fit in the palm of his hands.

The hips that had purple marks on them, shaped oddly like fingers.

Alarmed, Magnus let his eyes trail back up in an entirely different manner, checking for other such marks and felt his stomach twist when he found them in places they should never be. Faint bruises decorated his wrists, only visible because of his pallor, and then Magnus saw some on his neck, which made him lose his silent observation quickly.

"What the hall is going on Alexander?" Magnus's tone grew hard with worry as he made Alec face him completely. Alec jumped at the sudden rough contact and blue eyes snapped wide to meet his.

"Hey! What are you talking about?" The blue orbs reflected hurt in them as Magnus hardly ever handled him as anything less than porcelain.

"You have bruises." Magnus said shortly as he lifted a wrist to inspect it, tossing the damp cloth he held to the side haphazardly. As he held the delicate wrist under the light's harsh inspection the bruises were more clear and defined. Alec flushed a deep red as he tried to pull away from him, his efforts futile. Magnus held his arm firmly, careful to avoid the bruised areas. Now that he had a full view of Alec's chest he saw bite marks littering it that seemed none too gentle and like he had been having rough, wild sex which was definitely not what the doctor ordered. As Magnus tried to make sense of what was going on he dimly remembered his snooping weeks ago to find Alec had a boyfriend. Well, at least the fact that he was seeing someone. Someone that thought it was okay to leave these kind of marks on someone else. Even if Alec would be into this kind of sex, Magnus well knew he wasn't ready for it after only a few weeks. It took people a while to be okay with this kind of thing, especially if they were virgins with no concept of what they could handle.

"It's nothing," Alec tried to play it off as he reached for a shirt abandoned on the floor. Magnus's stomach twisted as he realized someone had torn it off of him and tossed it there.

"You had your boyfriend over?" Magnus asked with his hold on Alec still firm as the other hand traced the marks on his neck. "Your boyfriend is into some kinky shit."

"He-he isn't my b-boyfriend. He just..." Alec flinched away as his fingers brushed a darker spot on the front of his throat. He moved his wandering hand to his hair and became even more alarmed to find the back coated in flecks of dried blood. It brought back nauseating memories of that night in the hospital but Magnus forced himself to focus on the here and now.

"You've been bleeding." Magnus said shortly. "You were bleeding from your very serious head wound and you didn't call?"

"I hit my head again, just a bit." Alec said quietly as he continued trying to get out of his grip. "It stopped after a minute. I just figured I had to rest until the pain went away."

"You shouldn't be having sex with a head injury like this." Magnus tried to fight his own flush at saying this. The two of them had never before talked about anything like this. "Especially not the kind you're apparently fond of."

"Magnus," Alec's voice had become small and his gaze was rooted to his lap. "Let go."

"Not until you tell me what happened today! I want the truth Alexander!" Magnus's voice had risen and he didn't miss the was Alec flinched horribly in a way he hadn't since he had first come to stay with him. He had suspicions of what had been going on, and he desperately hoped he was wrong. "Where did the bruises come from Alec?"

"They aren't a big deal. I'm sorry I had him over." Magnus was studying him closely and would have let it go if not for the fact that there wasn't a hint of defiance to his tone. They had had so many fights about Jace in the past and while Alec had apologized for the blonde time and time again there had always been the hint of defiance to his tone. He had always defended Jace no matter how stupid his antics.

"You didn't invite him, did you?" Magnus knew the answer even as he asked. "You were fighting with someone after the accident. I saw you texting and you looked upset. You were fighting with this guy weren't you?"

"Yes," Alec said quietly and Magnus shifted his grip to twine their fingers together instead. "I was telling him I wanted to end things."

"And he didn't listen?" Magnus softened his tone now that Alec was finally talking.

"He came by the hospital when you were at work a few times. He told me this wasn't over between us. He said that I must have hit my head harder than he thought if I thought I could just hang him out to dry like that. He t-told me I'd be punished for it." Alec pulled away and pulled his knees up to his chest while wrapping his arms around them.

"How long have you been seeing him?" Magnus felt sick to his stomach at the kind of guy that had sunk his razor sharp teeth into Alec.

"Since the party two months ago." Alec's face crumpled and he bit his lip harshly. He stared at his knees as he talked. "I didn't want you to be disappointed in me. The only advice you've ever told me I ignored because I was upset. When we weren't talking I had no one to go to since Jace was wrapped up in Clary so I went to him. He became obsessed with me before too long and I just got so wrapped up in all of it. I just don't know how to tell him no. I"m so weak I can't even tell him no when he's hurting me."

"Darling, it wasn't your fault." Magnus soothed as he laid a hand on his knee.

"It was," Alec said firmly. "I should have gotten the hell out of there when he made me cum and didn't even see if I was okay. He stalked me at school more often than not, just whisking me off when he felt like it. There was every warning sign in the book and I still let it happen."

"You wanted someone to hold you," Magnus whispered with growing horror dawning on him. "That night we made up you crawled in here and told me to hold you. I thought it was just stress and it was so much more."

"That was when I lost my virginity." Alec huffed and shook his head as tears appeared in Magnus's favorite blue eyes. "He fucked me against a door in his apartment and then let me leave. I told him to stop and he wouldn't. I messed up so much."

"Oh Alec," Magnus closed his eyes in sympathy. It was so easy to fall for the kind of guy Alec did. They were so commanding and seemed to have it all together. They pulled you in and never let you go without a hell of a fight. They targeted people who were inexperienced or seemed lost. Magnus had been lost before, and had gotten tangled in some bad things.

"I'm sorry," Alec said when he opened his eyes again. Blue met his fiercely and filled with apology and regret. "I am so sorry I didn't listen to you. I'm sorry I disappointed you. I never wanted to do that."

"No," Magnus corrected. "You don't need to apologize Alec. This wasn't your fault. He manipulated you because you were inexperienced. He made you think you needed him. He treated you like a dirty rag to be used and tossed aside. None of this falls on your head."

"I'm a classic textbook case of an ignorant idiot!" Alec ranted as he got to his feet. "I let some guy completely control my life even though he made me feel awful about myself. I let his opinions matter entirely too much about everything. I've been through these guys my entire life before I met you! I've been used by older men since I was eight years old! I didn't even see it because this stupid blonde was my age and because he kissed me I thought he cared about me! I kept telling myself that he wouldn't kiss me if he didn't care. I keep getting myself into these messes and then I'm surprised when they all turn out to be shit! I hate myself for it." Alec held a hand to his head as he stood breathing hard facing Magnus on the bed. Magnus got off the bed swiftly and came to put his arms loosely around the younger man.

"You're so young," Magnus said quietly. "I know you think you should know things because you read them in a book or someone tells you the warning signs in school of an abusive relationship but that isn't how it works. There isn't a textbook case to follow here. You shy away from people in general because they've treated you like crap. Then someone pushes their way in and you start to care. How did he kiss you?"

"What?" Magnus could see that he finally got Alec's full attention.

"That first time, how did he kiss you?"

"I-well- it was okay. He kissed me outside-"

"No," Magnus interrupted with a small smile. "I don't want to know where he kissed you. I want to know how it felt."

"He said he wanted to teach me. He said he wanted to teach me things because I'd never been kissed."

"The teacher line is a classic." Magnus agreed. "When someone genuinely cares about you, and they want to kiss you it'll feel a certain way. Your heart will speed up, but not pounding like when you're afraid You'll feel like your stomach disappeared as you realize what is about to happen. They'll bring their hands up and cradle your face gently." Magnus brought his hand up to lay against Alec's pale cheek softly. Alec seemed breathless as he stood frozen to the spot, though his expressive eyes told Magnus that he had a hint of where this was going. "Then he'll lean in close to you so you know what's about to happen." Magnus tightened his arm gently around Alec's waist so that they were nearly flush against each other. "And then he'll pause, and the pause is very important. When he pauses he's asking for your permission to kiss you. He's making sure you want it, and that you're as ready as they are. He'll look into your eyes, not at your lips, also an important detail. If you don't pull or look away he'll take it as you're ready for that first kiss." Magnus fell silent as their eyes met in the short distance. Alec's cheeks were flushed slightly as a smile hinted at the corners of his mouth.

"Then what happens?" Alec whispered as his eyes darted down to Magnus's lips before coming back up to meet his gaze once more.

"Then he'll kiss you." Without thinking about what he was truly doing and how this might throw everything out the window Magnus leaned down and pressed their lips together.

It was a kiss unlike any he had had before. Alec's lips were soft against his own and so willing. His mind turned off as every nerve in his body turned into overdrive. Alec stood frozen for only half a second before his arms came up to wrap around his back. Alec's hands were splayed over his shoulder blades as he brought his other hand to join the first in cradling Alec's face in his palms. The kiss was intense without being passionate, sparks flying between them in a way Magnus had never known. His tongue darted out to taste Alec briefly, but was careful to keep it simple as he definitely didn't want to push. They parted slowly and Magnus's tongue darted out for a last taste before he lost the opportunity.

"That was quite a different kiss than any I've ever had." Alec said quietly as he continued to hold onto the older man, his hands fisted in the back of his shirt.

"That's the way you should always be kissed." Magnus whispered.

Okay so Malec has begun! They aren't together obviously but we have a kiss! I know I said in the next few chapters but hey I gave it to you a bit early! I hope you guys liked this chapter. Now that all the secrets are out in the open for the most part they can start to get it together at last. Thank you from the bottom of my heart to each and every person that takes the time to review, I read them over and over again and they make me smile! If you have a comment about what you liked Please leave it for me.


	11. Chapter 11

Alec was unprepared for the way his heart lurched at seeing the Herondale's front porch for the first time since Jem's death. His heart seemed to skip ten beats at once and he was left short of breath. The porch was an important place in their house. Alec and Jace had played countless summer days on this porch while Jem watched them jumping off of it and running around like crazy kids. He was there every time their ideas got a bit stupid and one of them ended up with a scraped knee or a bruised something or other. Jem had waited for them on this porch every day after elementary school with lemonade and a snack ready for them to devour. This porch held laughter and so many talks in its wooden panels. He hadn't thought about Jem hardly at all since his funeral since he'd been so focused on recovery after the accident.

"Alec?" Will's voice cur through his thoughts as he stood frozen staring at the porch swing. Alec jumped and turned to face him, horrified when he felt tears on his face that had fallen without his knowledge. He wiped them away quickly, trying not to let Will see. How pathetic would it seem for him to be breaking down over something so stupid when Will was the one dealing with losing his husband?

"Will! Hi, um I just came by to see Jace." Will's blue eyes turned soft as he shut the door gently behind him and came towards him.

"The porch was hard for me too. You can really feel him out here can't you?" Alec took a shaky deep breath and nodded.

"I"m so sorry to bring him up Will. I just had no idea coming here was about to hurt so much. I haven't been here since everything happened and it just hit me all at once." Will took a deep breath in as he leaned on the railing next to Alec with his forearms resting on the flaking white wood.

"You can bring him up whenever you want to Alec. I've been getting better at thinking about him without completely falling apart. The pain is becoming more manageable I think. It still comes off in waves sometimes but I'm learning how to ride them if that counts for anything."

"I can't imagine losing someone like that." Alec said softly as he picked at the hem of his sweater. The closest thing to what Will was going through would be if he were to lose Magnus and he couldn't even think about that.

"Jace won't come out here. He's getting better I think and at least he isn't drinking. Though I do think that's more to do with the fact he's on heavy pain medication and he isn't suicidal enough to try drinking with that. Are you two talking again?"

"Yeah," Alec nodded earnestly. "I mean I think so. I was never mad at him to start with honestly. He just got busy and we kinda fell to the back burner. Did you know they broke up?"

"Jace has been calling her constantly. I can't decide if it's cute or pathetic to be honest with you." They both laughed softly. Alec set a hand on Will's bare forearm softly.

"I really am sorry about Jem, I don't think I ever told you. You guys are like parents to me too,and it was hard to lose him. I know you loved him in a way I can hardly imagine loving someone."

"Thanks kid," Will wrapped an arm around him in a side hug. "That means a lot. You better get in there before my son thinks we're talking about him."

"He is terribly self-centered like that." Alec agreed as he made his way inside awkwardly trying to maneuver the door with a pair of crutches. He sighed as he stared at the twenty or so stairs that was between him and his best friend.

"Are you seriously upstairs? Get down here because I don't like you enough to climb up there!" Alec called as he leaned against the banister.

"I'm more crippled than you are! Hip trumps knee!" Alec sighed in annoyance as he resigned himself to dealing with seventeen stairs. He left his crutches at the bottom and used the railing to give him support. He was lucky he wasn't in a full cast and only in a brace, though his knee still sent sharp pains through him if he wasn't careful.

"Well hello gorgeous," Jace greeted as he finally managed to make it to his doorway. The blonde was propped up by a half dozen pillows with his casted leg propped up on a few more. He looked the picture of comfort while Alec was sweating to death, a pretty normal picture between them the more he thought about it.

"Fuck off," Alec gritted out as he limped over to the bed and collapsed onto it next to his best friend. "I hate this knee thing."

"Well I didn't tell you to leave the crutches downstairs."

"Okay you try wobbling upstairs and carrying those huge things at the same time. I think falling down a flight of stairs might create more problems than it would solve."

"You just couldn't stay away from my beautiful face. You were having withdrawal symptoms." Alec sighed as he slapped Jace in the chest with his open hand.

"Don't be an egotistical prat to me, you know I'll slap it out of you."

"I forget what an abusive best friend you are. Though I do remember you chucking a water bottle at my head."

"Sometimes physical force is the only way to get through to you. Have you caught up with English?" Jace laughed slightly as he shifted to pick up a few books from the floor next to him.

"Of course you came for my brain." Alec rolled his eyes.

"I'm twice as smart as you. I just can't write a paper to save my life. I'm a hundred percent sure I failed this quarter and I'm probably close to failing the entire semester. I don't want to work fast food the rest of my life so please help."

"I don't have the paper done." Alec groaned loudly. "Hey, hey I am not responsible for your paper writing. I have the book read and I have an outline done."

"It's due Monday! We're fucked once again." Jace slapped his stomach with the book.

"No we aren't. We'll get it done tonight. Skype call?"

"That's as good as our study sessions ever get. Though I swear to God if you get me on some tangent again I will murder you."

"Okay half the time you're the one who can't ever turn Spotify off for five damn minutes not me."

"Music helps me think."

"No, music helps you avoid thinking." They both laughed at the many memories of papers taking three times as long as they should due to many distractions. They had been together since the day they first met and it was a wonder they hadn't driven each other crazy.

"So, can you not be an ass for five minutes?"Jace huffed as he fiddled on his laptop.

"You have two minutes max." Alec sighed in exasperation.

"Then I guess I'll get right to it. Magnus and I kissed last night and we haven't talked about it yet. I never thought about kissing him before until it was happening. I liked it, a lot obviously but I don't know what to do from here. All of a sudden I'm noticing things I never have before and it's driving me crazy. Please help me stop freaking the hell out. Do I have a minute of nice Jace left?"

"I think I may extend your time limit for this." Jace said as he forgot all about his computer and stared at Alec blankly. "Can I just take a moment to say holy fucking shit?"

"I did that for about twelve hours myself so I guess you can have a moment." Jace ran a hand through his hair.

"How long do you think he's been thinking about kissing you?" Alec shook his head.

"He looked as surprised as anyone that it was actually happening. Our relationship has always been complicated honestly. He must have planned this though right? I mean I know Magnus is impulsive, but not about this right? He isn't impulsive with me. This can't just mean nothing." A stinging sensation rose behind his eyes as he thought about the possibility that the kiss had been just a random impulse thing and didn't mean anything. Someone had to want to kiss him because they liked him at some point in his life.

"No I'm sure it didn't mean nothing." Jace quickly assured him. "And if it did you can bet your ass I'm going to rearrange his face."

"I just want this to be real." Alec said softly. "I just want this, after so many idiots have treated me terribly, to be the real deal."

"You deserve it much more than I ever did. I destroyed it into a million pieces." Alec's eyes widened slightly.

"You think Clary was the real deal then?"

"I think she could have been if I hadn't pushed her away." Alec reached over to squeeze Jace's arm tightly in sympathy.

"So, what do you think I should do?"

"Well, is this what you want? Is this who you want?" Jace asked intently. "You shouldn't be with him for any reason than that you're absolutely crazy about him. You should be with him if you see a future with him. Can you guys shift from what you were to a relationship? Can Magnus treat you like a boyfriend instead of someone to take care of?"

"Magnus has never really felt like my guardian." Alec mused out loud. "He's always just felt like my best friend all this time. I mean, I know he pays for things because I don't have any money but other than that he's never acted like a dad or anything. We're constantly together doing things and having fun. We know each other inside and out. Besides you he's the only person in my life who I can honestly say I can't live without. Does that mean I'm crazy about him?"

"Yeah I'd say it does." Silence fell for a minute between them.

"So, do I have to seduce him I take it?" Jace laughed.

"Well, knowing Magnus he's probably freaking out that you're freaking out and won't push you or do anything until you give the go ahead. I guess that means the ball is in your court."

"Great," Alec said with a groan as he felt Jace pat his shoulder. "Because everyone knows I'm so good at that."

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"I'm back! Sorry I stayed kind of late, Jace and I got way distracted on Youtube and now I need to go skype him after we have some dinner to finish that dumb paper." Alec fumbled his way inside as he started explaining why he was so late coming back. The minute he closed the door he was surrounded by thick darkness from every corner of the house. He cursed as he fumbled over to the wall and felt for the switch. He flicked it upwards but nothing happened. "Magnus? Are you home? What is going on?"

Silence was his only answer.

He abandoned his crutches by the door and felt his way around the familiar room until he saw a glimmer of light coming from the kitchen. He made his way over, cursing quietly anytime he put too much pressure on his knee or knocked it into things. He finally got to the doorway of the kitchen and froze at the strange scene.

Magnus sat at the kitchen table with his head in his hands and papers spread out all over the table. His hair was flat and hung limply to his shoulders as the shadows from candles made his face look so much older than he really was. He looked defeated in a way Alec had never before seen him before. It was terrifying, but at the same time Alec felt assured more than ever that they could make things work between them. Relationships didn't work one way and it made him feel better that Magnus might just need him as much as he needed the older man.

"Alec," Magnus croaked quietly. "God, I'm sorry I didn't even hear you come in. I, um, hi."

"Hi," Alec said as he tried to figure out just what was going on. "What's going on?"

"Electricity is shut off." Magnus ducked his head again and Alec was horrified to see Magnus was crying of all things. He had only seen Magnus cry a very rare handful of times, and it was awful every single time. Magnus cried quietly with tiny sobs that tore at your heart in a million pieces.

"What is all this about?" Alec asked as he limped towards the table and tried to make sense of the mess on the table.

"Oh God, Alec, your knee and I have you hobbling around in the dark." Magnus started to rise from his chair but Alec put a hand on his shoulder and pushed him back down.

"Are you okay?" Magnus looked up at him with his face washed in shadows and opened his mouth but had to close it again when a wave of tears stole all his words from him. His shoulders slumped miserably and Alec saw his shoulders begin to shake. He stopped his search for a second chair and instead slid in the narrow space between the table and Magnus's warm body to settle on his lap. He placed his hands on Magnus's face and made the older man look at him at last His eyes were bloodshot and his face was splotchy from crying but to Alec he was as beautiful as he always had been. He thought of everything he had told Jace earlier and while he hadn't been all that sure before as he looked at Magnus like this, broken and vulnerable, he knew this was exactly what he wanted.

"Shh, Magnus, it's okay." Magnus shook his head as much as he could between Alec's palms. Alec leaned down and brushed his lips against both cheeks to stop the tears. He placed tiny kisses against both of his cheeks softly and tenderly as he tried to coax Magnus into calming down enough to tell him what was going on. Alec pressed their foreheads together gently. "Whatever it is Magnus, I'm here. We'll get through this together as we do everything else I promise you. I'm here and I always will be."

"Alec," Magnus's voice was low and ragged as he tilted his head upwards to meet his eyes. He went to pull back and try to sort out the mess of papers when his waist was grabbed earnestly and Magnus leaned forwards to capture his lips in a kiss. This one was a bit more salty than the last one, but Alec still thought it was the sweetest thing he had ever tasted. His arms came up to wrap around Magnus's neck as he kissed him in a way he had never kissed Jonathan. It was sweet, tender, and so full of feeling. Alec broke off the kiss when the tears got worse again and for some fresh air. He found himself slightly breathless as Magnus leaned his head on his shoulder with his forehead pressing to Alec's collar bone. Alec's hand trailed up to tangle in the lank, soft locks.

"Tell me what's going on?" Alec whispered softly to him. His heart was pounding from their second kiss and vowed their next one would be under much happier circumstances.

"I fucked up so badly Alec. I'm so far in debt and I don't even know how it happened. I had a meeting today with some people from another salon and I think I have to sell Alicante. It's just not making it on it's own. " The tears were back in earnest. "I can't sell it Alec, it's my entire life. They could get rid of all of us in a heartbeat. I just need a few months to get some ads out and get new clients."

"Okay," Alec said slowly. "So we're behind on our bills?"

"Yeah, that and more honestly. The medical bills won't stop and then Idris is down my neck and just everything. I thought I had kept everything balanced and together, but before I know it I was buried up to my neck. " Alec rubbed his fingers into the back of Magnus's neck as he shifted to be able to see the mess on the table that he now could see was a pile of bills. "I completely failed you and I'm sorry."

"Okay," Alec said decisively as he he eased himself onto his feet gingerly putting weight on his knee which was screaming with pain. "We're going to bed. You are obviously exhausted and there isn't a whole lot we can do in the dark anyways." He grabbed Magnus's hand and pulled the older man to his feet.

"Yeah, I guess I'll face all of this tomorrow." Alec stopped and turned to face him directly.

"No, we will. We are going to sort this out. You don't have to be alone." A small smile touched Magnus's lips as he looked down at Alec.

"I've always got you on my side don't I darling?" Alec nodded.

"Absolutely." They made it out of the kitchen with Alec carrying one of the candles and leading the way through the maze that consisted of furniture and their random belongings strewn around. It was slow progress and once Alec had sworn for the fourth time due to bumping into something Magnus muttered "Fuck this" and scooped him up in his arms to carry him up the stairs. Alec knew his face was red as a tomato as he was set down on their bed gently. Both of them stripped down to their boxers in silence and crawled beneath the bright comforter that seemed to glow even in the darkness.

"Why is it so cold?" Alec muttered as he tried to get comfortable. Magnus flopped down nearly on top of him and settled an arm around his waist.

"We've likely lost our heat and hot water." He sounded close to tears again so Alec held back his groan at the thought of a cold shower tomorrow morning. He sighed loudly and turned to face him.

"Why didn't you tell me how bad it was? I'm not a kid Magnus, and it's time you treated me like an adult. Especially considering recent events. " Magnus shook his head as his gaze darted down to where his hands were trailing over Alec's chest lightly.

"That isn't it. I don't think that at all. When I opened Alicante and started running it all those years ago under Camille's direction do you have any idea how many people told me I'd go under within the first year? Nobody thought that salon was going to get off the ground. I just hate to have this place die when I've put everything into it."

" I think you've been taking lessons from me." Alec teased him."Let's just take this one dollar at a time okay? I know things are bad and scary at the salon right now but let's just talk this over in the morning. It's going to be okay."

"Thank you," Magnus whispered into his neck as they got settled for the night at last, tangled so much together that neither one could tell where one ended or began. "It meas a lot how confident you are in me."

"You are the only thing I'm ever sure of anymore." They were silent for a long moment before Alec felt like he had to say something, even if it may not have been the right time. "You kissed me the other night. You kissed me less than an hour ago."

"I did kiss you." Magnus said as he lifted his head enough to look at him. The moon was just bright enough that Alec could see his eyes, wide and nearly fearful. "Are you okay with me kissing you?"

"Yes, well I think so." Alec took a deep breath to steady himself. "It's just... Was that a pity kiss? I mean, did you kiss me because you felt bad about all the stuff with Jonathan?" Magnus gently placed two fingers over his lips to quiet him.

"No, it most definitely had nothing to do with pity." Magnus took a deep breath of his own. "I kissed you because I'm attracted to you, very much so."

"So... you like me? Like you have a crush on me?" Alec could hardly believe they were even having this conversation.

"For the sake of sounding twelve, yes Alec I like you like you." Alec let out a giggle helplessly at how ridiculous Magnus sounded at that moment. Silence reigned in the darkness for a long moment. "Please say something Alec, what are you thinking?"

"I'm just afraid of us not working out. I don't want to know what breaking up with you would be like."

"I can't imagine it myself." Alec laced their fingers together.

"Is it crazy that I want to try?"

"Not as crazy as you might think." Magnus hovered above him carefully and this time Alec decided it was his turn to take initiative. He leaned up and captured Magnus's mouth with his own. His body seemed to heat up from just their lips touching as Magnus tightened his arms around him to pull them closer. Alec moaned at the sheer warmth of Magnus's mouth and how all his nerves seemed to be alive at once. Magnus took the opportunity to sweep his tongue inside Alec's mouth greedily and let out a moan of his own as they tangled together. Alec found his own hands exploring the planes of Magnus's smooth back and sweeping up and down his sides as their kiss continued to deepen. As Magnus's thumb brushed over a nipple Alec gasped and pulled away, suddenly fully aware that both of them were hardly dressed at the moment and the last thing he wanted was to get tangled up in someone so fast again. He felt his anxiety creeping up on him at the thought of what had happened last time he had gotten caught up in someone else. This couldn't be like that, not ever again. It was hard enough getting Jonathan out of his life and while he knew Magnus was much more kind he just wasn't ready for that.

"I need to stop,"Alec managed to say even as his body told him to keep going. Magnus was breathing heavily as he backed away to give him some breathing room.

"You okay, darling?" Alec sighed, immediately calmer with some room to breathe.

"Yeah, sorry, I'm okay."

"We both desperately need sleep." Magnus summarized as he laid down next to Alec peacefully with an arm just barely around Alec's waist. "In the morning we can talk about everything."

"Goodnight then." Alec said softly as he spooned against the older man.

"Night, love."

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"This is why I didn't want you involved in this." Magnus said firmly as he leaned back and took a long swig of coffee. It was the next morning and Alec had insisted on being involved in their financial crisis. It had seemed like a good idea at the time and he knew he'd have to include Alec in more things if they were to be in a relationship but this was too much Alec huffed and folded his arms.

"Why? Is it because I'm actually willing to sacrifice something? This isn't that big of a deal."

"You are not dropping out of high school end of discussion." Alec sighed in exasperation and Magnus wanted to beat his head against the wall.

"How can it be end of discussion when we haven't even discussed it?" Alec leaned forwards with his forearms resting on the tables and Magnus bit his lip as he noticed the way his upper arms rippled with muscle. It was feeling less wrong to be thinking of Alec in this way and more and more right as time went on. Alexander Lightwood was a delicious amsterpiece and it was thrilling to be able to acknowledge it. He was kind, smart, giving, and everything he ever needed. Also right now he was being incredibly stubborn and stupid.

"Giving up your high school education isn't something we can discuss. It isn't even an option."

"I can get my GED and it'd be the same thing. Idris has been a disaster since I started anyways. My grades have gone to shit with everything going on the last few months so there isn't any hope of me going to a accredited university for anything."

"You want to be a doctor Alec."

"Yeah and failing English is a great way to get there." Magnus felt a start of surprise and he leaned forwards to rest his own arms on the table.

"You never told me you were failing." Alec didn't reply so Magnus continued his point. "Okay so grades aside there is so much more to high school than just college afterward. You have friends there and prom is coming this spring. Not to mention getting an actual diploma from high school in your hands."

"Prom?" Alec wrinkled his nose in distaste. "What the hell would I even do at prom when I'm dating you?"

"We're dating?" Magnus blinked slowly at the sudden label on what it was they were doing.

"If you're going to kiss me you better believe we're dating." Alec said firmly and managed to keep a straight gaze before blushing and dropping his eyes to the table. "Or at least we will be after dinner Friday night."

"Are you taking me on a date?" Magnus couldn't hold back a grin at the thought.

"Yeah, something like that." Alec took a deep breath and faced him again. "Okay but I really am going to drop Idris. It's something we just can't afford. A GED is so much cheaper and it'd accomplish the same thing more or less."

"We will figure it out without you giving up high school." Alec shook his head.

"You aren't giving up your entire business for high school which will be over in seven months." Alec seemed to pause and Magnus easily recognized the shocked horror in his eyes at saying it aloud. He remembered having very similar feeling his senior year. It was the absolute horror that in seven months your life was entirely your own and you had no real solid idea of what you were going to do with it.

"Alec-"

"Magnus we have no heat or hot water right now. We have no electricity and I'm only glad you managed to pay our rent so we don't lose our apartment. Those medical bills are no joke. You never told me we had no insurance. I never would have-"

"What? You wouldn't have saved your sister? Of course you would have and I would still have supported you. I lost our insurance a while ago and I was looking for a new plan we could afford but no one saw you getting into a car accident."

"Damn it," Alec cursed while he held his head between his hands. His teeth were gritted and his eyes shut tightly.

"What is it?"

"Nothing," Alec said determinedly as he looked forwards again. "Just another headache, but I'll be fine."

"Okay we are going to pack this up and I will never show this to you again."

"Damn it Magnus!" Magnus froze at Alec's burst of anger. He rarely got angry at all and even more rarely got angry at him. "You can't keep hiding things from me! In seven months we'll be equals and I won't be in school anymore. I'll have to worry about rent and bills and things. You have to let me help you with things."

"You are not paying me rent." Alec glared at him.

"Of course I am Magnus. Look I'm dropping Idris and maybe going back to my old school. I have a plan for the medical bills and then you can put a bit more into the salon and keep it open."

"Alec the salon is important but it isn't everything. I am a fantastic stylist and I can find other work in New York."

"You hate those uppity places in Manhattan." Magnus had to sigh in complete agreement. He had hated working in those places before opening Alicante.

"Yes, but we all do things we don't like in life. I'll-"

"You'll be miserable like you used to be." Alec said with his blue eyes blazing. "I remember the days when you used to hate going to work so much. You've been so happy at Alicante. This is your life Magnus, your passion. I love you and I'm not letting you be miserable because of my elite high school I'm doing shitty at anyways. Idris is doing nothing for me honestly, and that's okay."

"You'll lose all your friends if you do this." Alec shrugged.

"Nah, it'll just be different. I can see them after school and on weekends and stuff." The sadness entered his eyes and Magnus hated to see it there even while he knew there was no convincing Alec otherwise. Their eyes met intensely and they traded another whole conversation unspoken. Alec was determined to help and Magnus honestly needed it more than he wanted to admit.

"Alright, if you're insistent on doing this then get the forms and we'll get you back to your old school. Do you really have a plan to get the medical stuff sorted out?" Alec nodded as he came around the table to hug him.

"More or less of a plan, we'll see how it goes." Magnus held him close and knew he was the luckiest man alive to get Alec Lightwood's love. "I'm taking you out at seven on Friday, dress nice."

"You're serious?" Alec nodded as his a smile spread across his entire face.

"Completely serious. I'm taking you out on a date."

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"Well that was a shit class." Isabelle ranted as they left English after a long discussion about Romeo and Juliet which was the play they were discussing.

"It was a bit boring I'll give you that. At least she didn't make us sit and analyze the word by word context." Izzy opened her locker roughly and shoved her books inside while searching for her math homework on the top shelf.

"No, instead she just prattled on and on about love and what it means and what we think real love means." Alec frowned at her and reached over her to grab the paper that had gotten shoved to the back of her locker shelf.

"Okay, and why is that so bad? Love is an okay thing to talk about, albeit a little awkward I'll give you that." She tossed him half a smile for the homework but didn't lose her scowl completely.

"Love is a fucking joke. There is no such thing as real love. People get together and have sex for awhile before inevitably destroying each other." Alec bumped shoulders with her as they headed off to lunch.

"How can you say that when you've found your own knight in shining armor? Simon and you seem so happy together."

"That's how it always is with men before they go cheat on you or do some other shit thing that destroys everything. I'm done with boys, absolutely done with all of them. I'm just going to bounce around sleeping with people when I need to and then leaving them in the dust." Alec pulled her aside into the courtyard where they had first spoken to each other.

"What the hell have you done with Simon? Why are you talking like this again? I thought we had established there are the right and wrong kind of guys and you were going to find the right ones. Izzy don't go back down this road."

"Alec I know you tend to believe in love and all that shit but I don't anymore." Her brown eyes were blazing with fierce anger with something lying in their depths Alec couldn't decipher. It was his first day back in real classes and already there was something to deal with. "I dumped Simon a few days ago because I can't have him hurt me. I can't handle that and it's only inevitable that he will. "

"What's happened?" Alec asked as he took her bag and purse from her to set them on the ground beside them. He took her by the shoulders gently. "Just talk to me Iz, what's up? Why didn't you call me sooner?"

"There's nothing to talk about." Izzy swallowed hard. "It's just the way life is and I'll have to get used to it. Love doesn't exist and that's that."

"I really wish you'd stop saying that." Alec said closing his eyes for a moment.

"Why? It's not like you're involved with anyone. You got rid of Jonathan didn't you?"

"Yeah he's as gone as he's going to get right now. I'm seeing someone else as a matter of fact. Or I will be after Friday."

"Seriously? Who are you taking out on Friday?" Alec paused with a wicked grin.

"Maybe I shouldn't tell you since you're just going to shoot it down anyways."

"Brother or not, if you don't tell me-"

"Alright, alright." Alec laughed as Izzy picked up her purse to whack him with. "I'm taking Magnus on a date Friday." The purse hit the ground with a thud.

"Magnus? Like sex god Magnus? The guy who you said you never had a sexual thought about ever?"

"I never confirmed that actually-" His statement was lost in her screech.

"WHY DIDN"T YOU CALL ME?! When did this happen? I thought we were friends." Alec laughed again and put his hands up in defense.

"It only just happened I swear to you. I asked him out for Friday night." Izzy's brown eyes lit up as she took his arm.

"Okay this has to be the epic date of the year! You have to get a first date right, because this is setting the stage for the whole thing! Look I know you hate having me meddle in things but please let me help you plan this."

"I will as a matter of fact." She looked completely shocked at how easily he gave in for once. He smirked at her. "On the condition you set up a meeting with your parents for me."

"You- you want to meet my–sorry our– parents? Really? I mean of course you have that right and all, but it's just that they really aren't all sunshine and roses. Mom will probably be happy to meet you and Dad might just be mortified after last time the two of you met."

"Will you do it?" Alec asked pleadingly. "I just need to meet with them once. For coffee or something? Preferably alone?"

"That won't be a big deal How about Friday as a matter of fact? That's your short day, isn't it? Max will be at school and I'll be suffering alone here so you'll have the house to yourselves." Alec nodded slowly, nerves making his stomach flip over and over.

"Yeah, that sounds good. Thanks Iz," She linked arms with him as they headed inside to actually buy something for lunch. If this paln worked out the way he wanted it to then everybody would get what they wanted and they could be happy. Now all he had to do was be charming for his own parents.

This couldn't go wrong, could it?


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I took a few extra days to finish this, but let me tell you I think you'll say it was worth it! This chapter is loooooooong. Thank you again to all of you who take the time to tell me what you think either in a review or messages on Tumblr. You guys have been so supportive and I couldn't do this without it.
> 
> Shout out to my beta Eli who has been invaluable for giving me new perspective and making this story even better!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNING: Okay serious triggers for this chapter. There's out right self-harm in this chapter and though the description is relatively mild I ask you skip the scene in the park if this will make you uncomfortable or will make you have bad thoughts! Do read the end though because it's so fluffy it will give you cavities

Friday was here at last and Alec was warring between two very different kinds of nervous. On the one hand he had his date with Magnus tonight which made his stomach flutter as a smile crept onto his face whenever he thought about it. Isabelle had really come through for that, and he was about about to show Magnus an amazing time without spending too much money. Then, on the other hand he had to meet with his parents that afternoon and that brought the kind of nerves that made you want to lose everything you had eaten in the last week. He didn't know how it was going to go with Robert and Maryse, but he was betting on it not going that well.

"I'm really going to miss these uniforms." Magnus mused as he walked up behind Alec making them a pot of coffee. He was peering around to see if they had any muffins to eat when Magnus lightly caught his chin and held him still for a tender kiss. Alec smiled into the kiss as their lips softly met in light, tiny kisses. It was still such a surreal experience to be kissing Magnus at all, let alone to do it whenever he wanted. Alec had started the week with the rule that they couldn't kiss again until they had gone on a proper date.

That rule certainly hadn't lasted long.

"I won't miss it." Alec said as he turned to toast some bagels instead of a muffin. "I can't stand wearing ties every day."

"But you look so delicious in them." Magnus purred as he draped himself over Alec's back with his chin propped on Alec's shoulder.

"I'll just have to think of excuses to wear ties then." Alec said smiling slightly. "Like fancy dinners."

"That would be fun." Magnus tilted his head to press his lips to Alec's neck sensually. Alec let out a long sigh and tilted his head to the side automatically. He tried to spread the cream cheese over his freshly toasted bagel, but it was a futile effort. "Then I can find creative ways to take them off."

"I'm not sure there's too many ways to take a tie off of someone." Alec felt large hands encircle his hips as he felt Magnus's teeth dance over his skin, no doubt leaving a mark. He felt himself tense at the same time as he told himself to just take a deep breath and that it was no big deal. He had found this happened a lot. He was so happy with Magnus – and to be with him – but every time things seemed to go in a sexual direction. he seemed to panic. He knew things with Jonathan were awful, and the older man had treated him completely wrong. The thing was that he was just as sure that Magnus would never, ever treat him the same way. He took a shaky breath and tried to keep this as casual as possible. "C'mon Magnus, quit it, I have to get to school."

"You won't be late if I drive you." Magnus said against this skin. His lips and crept up to settle behind his ear, sucking and licking to make Alec weak in the knees. He gave into the wonderful sensations before he felt Magnus trying to work his shirt free from where it was tucked in. At the feel of Magnus's cold fingers on the skin of his stomach something snapped and Alec could no longer let himself enjoy much of anything.

"I said STOP IT!" Alec shouted as he shoved the long arms off of him and immediately he felt alone and cold as Magnus shot to the opposite end of the kitchen to lean against the table.

"Alec, I'm so sorry." Magnus looked horrified as he noticed the younger man's hands shaking as he set the butter knife down and leaned against the counter. It only took a moment for Alec to calm down and become incredibly embarrassed that he had reacted like that. Magnus was being normal, like any guy would behave towards his boyfriend. He hadn't been obscene and of course it had felt good, but somewhere in his mind he had been scared. He couldn't name what exactly he was afraid of, only that he was afraid.

"Oh God," Alec ran a hand down his face. "Magnus-"

"Are you sure this is okay with you?" The guilt Alec saw in Magnus's eyes made him feel completely awful. This wasn't fair to the older man, who likely felt as unsure as he was about the whole thing.

"I'm sorry," Alec said softly as he padded over to give Magnus a mug of coffee. The older man looked at him for a long moment with his face completely unreadable. Their fingers brushed as Magnus finally took the mug and Alec couldn't deny he wanted Magnus, even if some part of him was subconciously afraid. "I want this. I want you more than I've ever wanted anything. It's not anything you're doing, and I may sound crazy, but it's like I can't help it. Jonathan just messed me up so much..."

"It's alright," Magnus said lowly as he wrapped an arm around him. "I just wanted to make sure I wasn't doing anything to make you feel that way."

"You never would," Alec whispered, more to reassure himself. "I'm picking you up at seven for our date."

"Picking me up?" Alec frowned at Magnus's mocking smirk.

"Well I'm driving in any case." Magnus laughed as Alec pulled away to get his things together for his last day at Idris. He had told Izzy and Jace yesterday, and while his sister had pouted a bit to lose him as a classmate she understood his reasons. He was planning on simply studying from home and getting his GED since his old school wasn't something he ever wanted to go back to unless he had to. As long as he kept up with everything it should work out the way he wanted.

"Have a good day darling," Magnus offered a tiny wave as he leaned against the counter once more in a much more relaxed manner In three strides Alec was once more pressed against the older man and bringing their lips together firmly. Alec wanted to let the other man know just how much he was wanted and that they would work through all of this even if it killed him. The dazed smile on the older man's face told him it worked.

"I'll be seeing you at seven," Alec said with a smile as he backed out of the kitchen. Tonight had to be perfect.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"Okay, I'm off," Alec said as he closed his locker after his last class. Isabelle stood beside him biting her lip and looking torn between excited and incredibly nervous. "Any last words of advice for me?"

"Alec you'll be great." Izzy said with a smile he couldn't quite believe. "You're polite, kind, and wonderful."

"Do they have any idea who I am? Have you told them?"

She shook her head. "I'm sorry. I meant to, but I just had no idea how to bring it up. I told them someone had to talk to them and that it was really important. They'll love you Alec, who wouldn't?"

Alec blushed lightly as he rolled his eyes.

"You have a certain amount of bias." Alec spotted Simon peering at them from across the hall with such pain on his face that Alec felt awful for him. The look in his eyes said so clearly that he lost something more precious to him than anything he had had before.

"Well, good luck! Call me after my parents? If they're horrible to you, I will disown them."

"You have to talk to Simon," The shock on her face was nearly laughable as her eyes widened and she took a step back.

"Where the hell did he come into any of this?" She snapped furiously. Alec shook his head and drew her outside with him to press her against the brick wall outside. The air was freezing around them as it was promising to snow later and the wind whipped at her long black hair.

"Do you remember what I told you the other night about this relationship we're trying to start?" He had called her concerned about the fact that Magnus could hardly touch him without it turning into a big deal. Izzy nodded and tried to speak but Alec cut her off firmly. "There is a very good chance Magnus is going to get sick of that very very soon. There's a chance that I'm too screwed up to make us work." He took a deep breath as he looked at her intently. "Look, my point is that every relationship has it's own battles to face. You are making yours harder than they have to be. I can't say Simon is never going to make a mistake with you. I can't even promise he will never hurt you." He cupped her face in one hand. "I can only promise you that if he does I will be right here to kick his ass for you. He is crazy about you, completely. You were happy with him, so happy. Let him try Izzy. Let yourself try to be happy and let him try to make you happy."

"It's not going to work. I don't see the point of becoming completely dependent on each other when it's all going to go to shit in the end. "

"Why do you keep saying that?" Alec shook his head. "Not everything is like that; it can't be. Our parents worked didn't they?"

"If you count divorce papers as working, then yeah." Alec closed his eyes in horror. He blinked slowly at her as he tried to process this.

"What? Our parents are getting a divorce?" Izzy shook her head as she turned her head away from him.

"Mom wants one. They've been fighting for ages. I don't know what's going to happen, but I only know they don't love each other anymore after twenty years of marriage." She sighed and pushed away from the wall. "Whatever, it doesn't matter really. Maybe we'll all be better off for it. All I know is that I'm not going to get my heart broken like that."

"The fact that you're afraid of getting your heart broken means a lot." Alec said softly as he shifted his bag higher up on his shoulder. "it means that your heart has already been stolen by someone, Iz. It can't be broken unless you've already given it away."

"Well wish me luck, please." Alec said with a sigh as it became obvious that he couldn't press any further on the Simon subject without her getting angry. " I have a date with our parents and then one with Magnus. That's a lot of dates to get right in one day."

"You won't need luck with Magnus." She teased. "As for Robert and Maryse, you'll be okay. I don't know what you have to talk to them about but it will be okay. They've been good to me all this time. Mom will be happy to see you I think."

"Well, I'll let you know how it goes." He gave her a wave as he left to face his parents for the first time in his entire life.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Alec held it together until he pulled up to the gate next to which the four names were engraved into the stone forever. The names that he thought was always missing his, but now he wasn't so sure. Maybe he had no right to be here. He had no right to toss these people's lives up in the air when there was already so much going on. He wasn't even here for savory reasons. He was here to ask for money, money which he had no right to.

Except maybe he did.

Maybe he deserved something from the people who had given him up with out a single chance. Maybe he should be a bit more self righteous and a little more hurt. Maybe he deserved to ask the questions he had always wondered late at night when he couldn't sleep. He just wasn't sure what the protocol was for this situation. Did anyone?

He leaned against the outside of his car and simply stared at the gorgeous, huge house that could have been his own. It was made of stone and had two stories with gardens stretching out in every direction. He spotted a pool in the back with a hot tub not too far away. He even spotted a further building that must have been a pool or guest house. He could have grown up in a mansion, completely secure in every single way.

Alec snorted to himself as he pushed off and made his way carefully to the front door. Yeah, right, like he would ever even want that. He loved Brooklyn and all its quirks and people. He loved their apartment in the middle of absolutely everything they could ever want. He loved the hole in the wall places people like the Lightwoods would never be caught dead in.

He raised his hand to knock on the polished oak door and felt his stomach jumping unpleasantly. He had never imagined actually finding these people, let alone speaking to them.

"Hello?" The door opened and in the doorway stood his mother. Her resemblance to her daughter was striking with the same face and deep, brown eyes. Her hair was quite long, though it was pulled up in a bun at the moment. She wore pearls in her ears and holy shit this was his mother.

"Hi," Alec managed to squeak out somehow even as his brain decided to completely shut off at that fact that he was seeing his mother for the very first time. This was about to be so much harder than he had ever thought. "Are you Maryse Lightwood?"

"You must be Isabelle's friend!" She opened the door wider with a small smile. "It's actually really nice to meet you. Izzy never brings friends around here."

"Maryse? Is that the high school boy?" Alec heard a deep voice and tried not to think about the last time he had heard it. He stepped forwards slowly into the foyer that was as big as his living room at home. His knees were shaking so badly he thought they just might stop supporting him altogether. He saw the wooden floors gleam under the afternoon sun covered by rugs that must have cost their rent a few times over. Their whole house screamed of money and while it made Alec stare in awe he was also slightly uncomfortable being in a house like this.

"Robert, be nice would you? This boy is Isabelle's friend and she said this was important." Robert came into view looking incredibly annoyed if more relaxed than last time. He still wore a button down shirt with slacks but he had lost the tie and jacket Alec had seen last time. His sleeves were rolled up to just below his elbows but he still had the demanding and intimidating presence he had carried the first time they had met. "Would you like some coffee Alec?"

"Yeah, coffee is great," Alec said automatically as he was still focused on Robert. The way their chins were the same and of course the piercing blue eyes they shared. It fascinated Alec how he had found eyes that had his exact shade of blue like never before. He looked so much like his father, and yet he already knew they were nothing alike.

Alec sank down on the leather couch as they made their way into some kind of office or study. It had a broad desk against one wall while they were surrounded by bookshelves on every side Alec could see. It was evident someone liked to read by the gaps where books were missing and some of them were well loved books. Alec wondered if it was his father or mother, or maybe it was this Max person Izzy had mentioned. His father sat in the arm chair and took out a pipe to light.

"Is this your office?" Alec asked quietly, not quite meeting Robert's gaze. "It's, um, very nice in here."

"Where are you from?" Robert's tone was sharp and incredulity was under it. "Don't you live in Manhattan?"

"Brooklyn actually," Alec felt his stomach tighten painfully as he had a hunch this was not what Robert wanted to hear. The older man sighed and was about to say something when his mother returned with two mugs of coffee and a bowl of cream and sugar on a tiny tray.

"Here you are, fresh coffee. Robert, where is the ginger ale for Max? I asked you to get some yesterday." Alec couldn't help but notice the way her tone changed when she addressed her husband.

"Mayse, we have guests and I don't know where it is."

"Did you even get any? I asked you to do one thing for you ill child and you act like it's come great effort."

"After working a ten hour day it is an effort!" Robert snapped. "Can you just sit down so we can get this over with?" Alec wondered if this man made Izzy feel as small as he made him feel. He sipped on the best coffee he had ever tasted in his life and hoped this would be over sooner rather than later.

"Mom?" Alec was completely distracted from the looming argument as a young boy appeared in the doorway with a blanket wrapped around his shoulder and his hair lank around his face. He looked pale and most obviously ill, but Alec felt his stomach disappear all the same. He had a brother, a little brother. Max wore glasses that kept slipping down his nose as he sniffed. "Can't I have more medicine? I still feel awful."

"Max! What are you doing downstairs?" Maryse hurried to him and knelt down to his level. "You should be upstairs resting."

"I wanted to be with you." The whine in his voice broke Alec's heart and he wanted to leave that second to give this boy back his mother instead of stealing her time and attention. He watched as she brushed the damp curls off his forehead and felt something well inside of him that was more painful than anything. He had wished so many times for a mother to do that when he was ill at that age. He remembered whining to deaf ears about how ill he felt as a child catching the flu or a stomach virus. He remembered being brushed aside and suddenly felt a rush of affection for this woman who had given birth to him. She would have been a good mother to him.

But she had given him up, and broken him in so many ways.

He couldn't help but wonder if he wouldn't have anxiety problems had he grown up here. He wondered if he would have had no scars on his body and that his heart would have never known the longing pain it had been through. He might have had so many less sleepless nights and done much better in school. He would have had Izzy from a young age and had attended Idris from the start and not as a scholarship student. This train of thought reaffirmed that he was doing the right thing being here.

"Sorry about that, Max caught some stomach bug yesterday and hasn't shaken it yet." Maryse apologized as she sat on a couch across from him. "So, tell us about yourself. Izzy hasn't mentioned much besides that you're a good guy and you two share some classes. Are you into sports? Do you have a girlfriend?"

"Well, I've found I'm actually pretty good at archery." He said, focusing on Maryse's warm, brown eyes rather than Robert's cold blue. "I really love it, though I wish we had more lessons. Also, um, I have a boyfriend actually, not a girlfriend."

"Seriously?" Robert choked out as he started to cough around the smoke from his pipe. "Our daughter is friends with a fag?"

"Robert!" Maryse exclaimed, horrified. Alec felt another stab to match the one he had received the first one. He wanted to leave that moment, but remembered he had come here for a very important purpose, more important than any slurs Robert would throw at him.

"I'm, um, gay yeah." Alec said with as much confidence as he could find. Robert shook his head as he pursed his lips.

"So, Alec, what do you need to talk to us about? Isabelle isn't in any sort of trouble, is she?" Maryse asked kindly, stealing his attention and making him feel a bit calmer. He may not know her in the slightest but she already had the motherly effect on him.

"No, Izzy's fine I promise. So, um, you know she got a liver transplant a few weeks ago right?"

"How do you know my daughter's medical information?" Robert asked loudly. "That was kept private! What the hell are you playing at?"

"No, um I'm not here for blackmail or anything like that!" Alec said horrified that he was coming across so wrong. "I only know anything because I'm the one that donated the liver!"

"What?" Maryse's hand slowly traveled up to cover her mouth in shock. "You- you saved her life? You're the person who helped her? Oh my God, thank you." Suddenly he had thin arms around him holding him tightly in an embrace that felt so warm and safe that Alec wanted to cry. He bit his lip as hard as he could as he felt his mother hug him for the first time in his life.

"How could it be you of all people? That kind of transplant has to be family. We were so relieved that we didn't ask too many questions. Just who the hell are you?" Robert's tone shot him like daggers off his tongue and he looked ready to hit him. He was obviously very protective of his daughter and Alec was not winning nay points just then by being cryptic. His hands shook as he dug in his pocket for the only proof he would ever have to convince them of what he was saying.

"I'm her brother. I'm your son Alexander." He set the paper between them on the coffee table. Robert rose to stand behind his wife and look over her shoulder. His gaze hadn't lightened as he stared at the paper and then back at the young man.

"How am I supposed to believe this?"

"It's a birth certificate." Alec said weakly. "What more could you want."

"In this day and age this is hardly solid proof. You can fake this on a computer." A cold dawning expression came over his face. "Wait, Isabelle did mention one of her close friend was pretty amazing with computers..."

"Wait, no, she meant her boyfriend Simon, well not her boyfriend anymore, but his name is Simon." Alec could tell he wasn't convincing them so well. Maryse was silent with her hand frozen over her mouth and staring at the paper like it was the answer to so many questions.

"This could be real Robert, it really could. I never thought I would get to meet you." Maryse's last words were a whisper as she stared at him.

"Why now?!" Robert's tone had changed to being a bit off, and Alec wondered if he was possibly getting emotional about all of this. "It's been eighteen years and you come to us now and find us. Is this about money?"

"Well-" Alec began but was immediately cut off by Robert once again.

"No!" Robert now sounded furious as he came around the couch. "We gave you up so we wouldn't have to dish out thousands of dollars on you. We gave you a better life and we sure as hell don't owe you money now!"

"Robert!" Maryse looked horrified at her husband's actions.

"A better life?" Alec echoed with anger rising in him. Was Robert being serious right now? "You owe me EVERYTHING!" His voice rose to a scream and it seemed to shock Robert into silence for the time being. "You ruined me in so many ways! I'm lucky enough to find someone to support me more than you ever would have, but before that? Before that I was MISERABLE. It took me years to get over everything that's happened. It took me years to think I was good enough to love. I was treated like garbage for nine years and you think you don't owe me? You took away my family! You took away the chance I had for a normal life! You kept her and not me!" Alec swallowed several times quickly to keep his tears in check. "You owe me more than you could ever repay if I'm being honest. I just want you to help pay my medical bills so I don't lose the only home I've ever known."

"Get out," Robert said calmly as Maryse sat crying and trying to wipe away tears. "You do not enter my house and speak to me that way. I do not let my children speak to me in that tone."

"Fine," Alec said as he shook with so many emotions. "I expect this paid." He tossed the bill on the table on top of his birth certificate. " I guess it was nice to meet you."

"Alexander," Robert's voice brought him to a halt just as he was about to reach to open the front door. He slowly turned to face his father and wished things could have been better. He wished this could have been like the dozens of dreams he had had about this very moment. "I just wanted to let you know that even if we had raised you I would have never supported you in this unnatural business of being with men. It's disgusting, absolutely disgusting, and frankly I'm glad I don't have someone like you tarnishing this family's name and reputation. If you were my son, I'm not entirely sure you still would be at this point anyways. With prestige comes responsibility. Maybe you belong with the trash that 's in Brooklyn after all."

"The people you refer to as below you are people you could never measure up to if you tried." Alec took a deep breath and opened the door to the home he would never have. "I dreamed of meeting you so any times. It was never like this. You were never like this. I guess I didn't miss too much in the way of a father. I never would have had the father I want either way. " Alec slammed the door behind him

MBALMBALMBALMB

Jace sighed as he flicked through the playlist he had on his phone for something to listen to. Will was home for once, but he just didn't feel much like talking. He wanted a drink so much, but swore to himself he wouldn't. He couldn't. He wasn't going to be that kind of man the rest of his life. It was just that life in sobriety hurt like a bitch.

He missed Jem. He missed him more than he planned to during the horrible months he thought about Jem dying. He missed the man cooking them dinner and the way he hummed around the house all the time. Jace missed the inside jokes and the chats they always had together. He loved Will, truly, but it wasn't like Jem. Jem was the one to rock him to sleep when he was small and sick. Jem used to sit up with him after a nightmare and talk to him until he fell asleep. He didn't know if this hurting would ever go away, and he wasn't sure how he would handle this forever either. He just wasn't sure if Will could fill the holes, and then again he didn't know if that's what he wanted.

Jace felt his phone vibrate and snapped his gaze to the screen while praying it was Clary calling him back after so many unanswered calls. He saw the picture of him and Alec from that past June smiling like idiots as they were soaking wet. It had been a good day and maybe talking to Alec was what he needed.

"Hi Alec!' Jace greeted as he slid the green to the right. "I'm so glad you're saving me from boredom. I'm starting to see what you mean about being home getting old so fast."

"Jace," Alec's voice was barely there over the line and Jace had to press the phone closer to be able to hear him. "Fuck Jace, I need you." Jace was in shock for a moment as it was evident Alec was crying over the line. Crying pretty heavily by the sound of things.

"Where the hell are you? Are you okay?" Jace sat up and swung his legs to rest on the floor. "Alec you better fucking start talking to me right this god damn minute."

"No," Alec's voice was choked and Jace could have sworn he heard a sob. "No I'm not okay. I"m in our park. You need to get here." A cold knot of dread formed in the pit of his stomach. If Alec openly admitted he wasn't okay then it was a dire situation.

"Give me ten minutes, okay?" Jace asked as he threw on a shirt and got up to move towards the door as quickly as he could. His hip was aching but he ignored it for the moment. "Can you hang on? I'll be right there, buddy."

"I didn't want to do this again." Alec's voice was quiet and broken still. Jace felt his blood freeze in his veins and it entered his mind what Alec must have done. What he used to do when things fell apart. "I hate him so much Jace, I hate him."

"Alec I'm hanging up and coming to you. You'll be alright, okay?" Alec's breathing was heavy in his ear as he hobbled into the hall. "Do you want me to call Magnus?"

"I-" It was clear his best friend was in some heavy debate. "I don't know. We have a date in three hours. He's at work."

"He'd leave for you. He wouldn't think twice about it. Do you need him?" Jace asked as he got down the stairs in record time since he had gotten home from the hospital.

"I don't know. I can't even think right now." Alec said in a voice Jace couldn't even recognize. He shrugged on his coat and picked up Will's keys. He wished he could drive himself so much,but he knew he wouldn't get very far. Plus he had no license anymore due to his earlier stupidity.

"I'm leaving now, okay?"

"Okay, see you." Jace tried not to panic as he pressed the red button and hollered for Will like he never had before.

"What exactly did he say?" Will asked as they sped through the city to reach where Alec must be. Jace had a leg jiggling as he tried to block out the sound of Alec's broken voice playing in his head. He had never heard Alec like that before and it was scaring him to no end.

"He was crying. I don't know half of what he was saying. He kept saying 'I hate him' over and over." Jace explained as he ran a hand over his face.

Will looked at him sharply. "Was he talking about Magnus?"

Jace frowned and shook his head.

"No, can't be. He has never talked like that about Magnus. It could be his ex." Jace tapped his fingers impatiently. "Can you drive faster this once? This is a bit of an emergency."

"I know Jace," Will said shortly. "I can't go any faster without running the risk of getting pulled over and then we'd be later yet."

"He has to be okay." Jace whispered as he looked out into the rain just starting to pour over the city. Will reached over to take his hand tightly.

"He'll be fine I promise. " Will reassured. Jace shook his head and pulled away.

"Yeah, well you said that before and it didn't go so well." Jace turned away and tensed in anticipation as they reached the park they always came to their entire lives. He knew right where Alec would probably be and he just had to get there. He was out of the car before Will had even put it in park and grabbed a sweatshirt from the backseat as he got out on a sprint. The pain in his leg was reaching an unbearable point but he ignored it all as he desperately tried to get to Alec's side.

When he reached him at last it was heartbreaking.

It was evident Alec was still crying just as hard as he was on the phone as he curled himself up on a large rock by the pond he had pushed Jace into when they had been eleven. He was visibly shaking in a way that certainly wasn't normal by any standards

"Alec!" Jace hollered. Alec silently looked up and bit his lip as his blue eyes looked at him desperately. Jace skid to a stop next to him. "God, Alec, what happened?"

"Jace," The word was whispered and Jace read his lips more than heard him.

"Alec, fucking hell, talk to me." Jace said as he knelt next to him with a hiss of pain as his hip wanted to give out completely. "Who did this to you?"

"I-I can't" Jace was alarmed at how little he was talking and at how much he was shaking. He had never seen Alec this bad before, no matter how many panic attacks he had had in the past. He reached forwards to take his hands only to recoil with a cry when it came back slick with blood. The more Alec unfolded the more it was evident he was covered in it from the elbow down. Alec started to cry harder as he realized Jace saw what he had done.

"You brought Will? Are you kidding me? Jace, come on." Jace was a bit relieved that Alec sounded a bit more like himself for the moment. He looked over his shoulder to see Will walking up the path towards them briskly with his med kit in one hand

"Give me your med kit, now. Alec needs help." Jace said sharply. Alec turned away from Will with his head down and leaned in towards Jace instead. The blonde teen put his arms around his best friend as tightly as he could. Alec wouldn't stop crying and Jace had to admit he was terrified. There was blood getting all over the place, thick, and red, and awful.

"I want this to be over." Alec finally said into his neck. "I want to stop feeling like this all the time. I'm not good enough for Magnus. I'm not good enough for anyone. Normal people don't feel like this. Is my life ever going to stop being a mess? I can't anymore. I can't."

"Okay, Alec, it's okay.. Shh, Alec it's okay." Jace tried to get him to stop crying. He glanced over him to see Will on the phone, most likely with Magnus. He breathed a sigh of relief to know Magnus would be here soon. Alec might not know if he needed the older man, but Jace knew without a doubt that's the person he always needed. He only hoped Magnus could handle this again.

"Alec, Magnus is on his way," Will said quietly and calmly as he placed a hand on the teen's shaking back. " I need to patch you up, okay? You need to let me wrap those up for you."

"No, I don't want Magnus to see this." Alec cried as he shied away from Will's hand. "He's going to be mad."

"Alec, he will be anything but mad I swear to you." Will replied as he tried to take Alec's arm gently, but the younger boy pulled away and curled into Jace. Jace took a deep breath and grabbed a blanket from the kit to wrap around his freezing cold friend. He would likely have to pass out on pain meds when he got home but it was worth it just to be able to hold Alec like this when he was breaking apart. It was the way he should have been holding Jem all those months he was sick and scared.

They sat in silence for a long moment before gravel crunched loudly behind them as Magnus's familiar purple car pulled up much faster than the ten miles an hour speed limit throughout the park. He was out of the car without even turning it out and sprinting into the light rain with no regard for his hair or make-up.

"He's alright, Magnus." Will tried to tell him in a reassuring voice as Magnus nearly hurled himself right into his boyfriend. He stopped just short as he saw Alec shy away miserably and start crying harder now that he was here. "He won't let me wrap his wrists."

"Give me that," Magnus snapped as he snatched the supplies from the doctor. Will sighed and scowled in irritation.

"You're really going to be like that right now? Are you still hung up over the accident? Look, we made mistakes and I'm sorry but this isn't really the time to be thinking of that."

"Shut the hell up William," Magnus's voice was hard as he sat on the ground at Alec's feet. "This is the last conversation we need to be having just now."

"You're denying Alec medical help because you're angry at me! How is that not important?!" Will snapped as he tried to get closer, but he was stopped by Jace's glare instead of Magnus's

"Dad, let up. Alec doesn't want you right now, and whatever Alec wants is what matters right now. I just want him to be okay." Jace rubbed Alec's back which was still shaking in a mixture of tears, cold, and complete shock.

"I've wrapped them before, you know that Will." Magnus's voice was quiet and Jace wondered why he hadn't tried to actually say anything directly to Alec yet. Could be honestly be angry at him? "Alec, give me your wrist. I need to wrap it, sweet pea."

"I'm sorry, " Jace heard Alec whisper finally, the first words he had spoken since Magnus had arrived. He put a wrist out gingerly and Jace winced at the harsh cuts over the pale skin. He knew Alec had scars from before. He knew Alec had had awful methods for dealing with stress years ago. Back then he hadn't seen the damage up close like this, and he only wanted to make it better however he could. "Magnus-"

"It's alright," Magnus reassured as he calmly took a wrist in his palm and cleaned it with antiseptic and alcohol causing Alec to shrink back away from them and whimper loudly. "Hold him still please, Jace."

"Right, sorry Magnus." Jace said as he shifted to be behind Alec so that the raven haired boy couldn't move away. He couldn't bring himself to look at Magnus right now. He knew Magnus had never been his biggest fan, and now it was likely that he hated him. Magnus wrapped the gauze tightly around the wrist to stop any further blood flow and to keep it clean. He repeated the process with calm, assured movements so as not to startle Alec any further. Jace only wished his best friend would stop crying like this.

"Alec, it's going to be okay." Jace whispered in his ear softly. "I will kick some serious ass of whoever made you feel like this. Please don't do this, please. You know I can't deal with anything without you."

"I don't feel okay," Alec whispered back and Magnus froze upon hearing the small voice. "I feel so, so broken. I'm so tired of feeling broken."

"We'll help you." Jace promised. "You won't feel this way forever."

"Alright, c'mon love let's get you home." Magnus straightened up and Jace saw him discreetly wiping a few stray tears off his face. "You need some food in you and a pile of blankets for awhile." Alec looked up at last with his eyes completely red where there was meant to be white. He was pale and looked awful. He made to stand up before landing hard back down on the rock.

"I feel dizzy." Alec put a hand to his head as his tried to keep his breathing even. Magnus wasted no time in scooping him into his arms and carrying him to the car that wasn't far away. Jace raced ahead of them to open the door for them. His leg was about to give out underneath him and he only hoped it would hold off until he made it back to the car Magnus shut the door firmly and leaned against it for a long moment.

"Will he be okay?" Jace asked quietly as he fought the lump in his throat.

"Yeah, he will be. Any idea what happened?" Magnus asked with his head bowed to stare at the gravel beneath their feet. Jace shook his head.

"He kept saying 'I hate him', but that's all I've got. He called me hysterical just about. I got here as fast as I could but it was already done. He was already covered in blood. I-I was too late to stop him. I'm sorry." Jace's voice wavered as he felt so awful he had once again been unable to help someone he loved. He had been mostly kept out of the picture last time this had happened, but this time he wanted to be front and center. He wanted to just help one person he cared about. Magnus looked at him for a long moment before he pulled Jace to him in a warm embrace. Jace was completely shocked for a long moment before he was able to return it.

"I have been so hard on you." Magnus said finally, and it was obvious he was feeling what Jace was. "I have ragged on you for a lot over the years. You are still the most reckless son of a bitch I have probably ever met, but you're the best friend he could have asked for. I'm glad you were here for him. Thank you so much for all you've done for Alec. He never would be the man he is now without you Jace Herondale."

"Just take care of him." Jace said as he felt his cheeks turn a light shade of pink.

"I will call you myself later and let you know, alright?" Magnus reassured while squeezing his shoulder. "I better get him home and comfortable."

"Bye then, good luck." Jace called with a wave as they drove away. He made it barely a few steps towards the signature red car Will drove before he felt his leg give out completely. Before he could hit the ground he felt arms around him to hold him up. He looked to see Will behind him, supporting him as usual.

"That was so awful," Jace said as he turned to simply embrace his father tightly. "Oh God, that was horrible. There was so much blood, and Alec was so upset. He seemed so broken."

"Shh, baby I know." Will held him tightly as he spoke softly. "Most of that blood was superficial and it stopped quickly. He'll be okay I think. It just might take some time."

"He has to be okay because I won't be okay without him." Jace confessed as he buried his face in Will's shirt. Will gave him a last, tight squeeze, knowing exactly how he felt.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

He was on their couch with half a dozen blankets on top of him and the lights thankfully turned back on that morning. There was some movie playing, but he couldn't force himself to pay it any sort of attention with all that was going on. He wasn't exactly sure why he had reacted like that to Robert. It wasn't like they had ever been close to begin with. He didn't even know the older man before today, so it wasn't like he was losing anything here. Maybe it could just be the dreams he had grown up with. The dreams of his parents that kept him going through the long, long nights alone. He used to picture what his father was like whenever he was told to go play by himself as a child. He saw his mother's smile when his foster mothers would be far too busy to offer him a cuddle or read him a story. The images of his parents had gotten him through so much and then he had always justified their actions by the fact that they must have been very poor people who simply could have never afforded him. He had believed that he had been better off growing up the way he did until today.

Today was when all his dreams had been shattered into a thousand pieces. The curtain had been pulled back and he had had to face the reality. The reality that his parents weren't those great people from the movies. The father wasn't a kind, joking man and the mother wasn't all that warm and loving. Robert and Maryse Lightwood would never have been great parents. They obviously had more than a few agendas before their children. They had their money and reputation and that was all they seemed to need. They had the money to spend on him, they just hadn't wanted to at the time. He was nothing more than a scandal to them, some piece of evidence that they weren't perfect to get rid of. His father would have hated him no matter how any of it would have played out. He would have been disowned and disinherited from the Lightwood family.

Either way the story unfolded, he ended up alone.

The hours since storming out of the Lightwood's home had been a complete blur. He had gone to buy some aspirin for his pounding head and found himself buying a pocketknife on display as well. He distantly remembered deciding to go to the park to calm down for a while, instead of going home like he should have. He didn't recall much about being at the park until Jace and Will arrived later on. It felt like time was going by in fits and spurts, racing by and then slowing down in cruel slow motion.

Though truth be told none of that was the real reason he had taken a blade to his skin. He had cut because he felt broken. He felt like if his own family didn't want him, who would? He felt like more of a burden than a boyfriend to Magnus with all his mental problems. His sister was a shoo-in for prom queen and hardly needed him around. Jace, well maybe it was true Jace needed him and in a very selfish way Alec just didn't care about that right now. He was just so tired of feeling this way all of the time. He hated the way his heart raced too fast over stupid things. He hated that he could never just feel good enough. His entire life he had struggled and he was done with the fight. Why did it always have to be a struggle to feel okay?

"I know you don't want to talk." Alec jumped at the sudden voice that invaded his thoughts and was startled to find the movie over and Magnus sitting next to his feet. His voice was soft, and tender the way it had been last time this had happened.

Last time had been a disaster.

Two years ago Alec had started cutting as a way to deal with everything, and to be honest it wasn't as bad back then as it was now. He had been stressed over school, and he hadn't been speaking to Jace, coupled with his usual thoughts to keep him up at night. He had been picked on mercilessly for being the gay kid at school, and also one of the only white kids. He was a small nerd who never talked to anyone. Their old school had been a rough place to be. You always had to be on the defensive unless you wanted to be shot down.

Well, Alec had always been an easy target.

It hadn't taken long for Magnus to find out about his dangerous and awful habits since he hadn't known how to keep secrets the way he did now. As a matter of fact, he was still pretty crap at secrets. He had stupidly taken off his shirt in front of Magnus, probably to change or something though the details were fuzzy now. Magnus had seen the scars along his arms and on his hips that cris-crossed to make horrible patterns across his skin. Some had still been red, raw, and bleeding slightly even hours later and Alec had been stupid enough to let him see.

Then again, maybe he was lucky enough Magnus saw.

He remembered the frantic phone call to the Herondales and for Will to get his ass over there because Alec was bleeding damn it. He remembered the way Magnus had paced and made sure he stayed on the couch in place while they waited. Magnus had been frantically ranting about how stupid he was to do this and how he should have just talked to him. He told him over and over again how much he loved him and how much he had to live for. Alec could only sit in silence and think about how the only coping method that had ever really worked was about to be ripped away from him. He never wanted to die, he just wanted to feel okay again.

He remembered the cold hands Will had placed on him as he examined him and kept telling Magnus that while this was bad it wasn't the end of the world. James had sat on his other side and held his hand calmly while he cried. Will had patched him up the best he could, wrapping and putting ointment on where he could. He had been absolutely humiliated to have his worst secret out in the open.

Magnus had baby-proofed the house the next day. Everything sharp had been locked up with locks Alec had a hard time opening with his wrists wrapped and his hands a mess. The razors were taken out of his bathroom and put in Magnus's where it was locked. He was never allowed to be left alone and had been treated like he was five for weeks on end. He had screamed at Magnus and cried so much those weeks it had been awful. Magnus had been calm for the most part, though he did drink a bit more. Alec remembered hearing him cry a lot at night when he thought Alec was asleep.

It had taken weeks for them to get back to normal. Alec used to sneak around and try and keep up his habit. He used to use safety pins or broken glass. It hadn't been an easy habit to break. The only bearable part was that Magnus had been there every step of the way. He would come whenever Alec called him and he never condemned him for what he did.

It had been the worst couple of months of his life, and now it could all be happening again. This was going to be hell.

"You can't do this," Magnus said quietly. " Cutting isn't the answer Alec, you know that."

"Then what the hell is?" Alec snapped, angry for reasons he didn't fully understand. All he knew was that everything he had tried the last few years hadn't worked in the slightest. Everything was falling apart again and again and nothing was helping. "If you know so much, then you tell me what works?"

"Alec, c'mon don't do this. We can talk about this." Magnus pleaded as he tried to take his hand but Alec drew away and swung his legs so that his bare feet were on the soft carpet. He dug his toes in and wished he could stay calm the way he was supposed to, but then again that just wasn't working for him anymore.

"What, exactly, is talking supposed to do? Talking isn't going to make anything better! I'm so sick of talking! There is nothing you can say or do to make this better!" Alec stood up and started pacing. "It doesn't matter what I do anymore because everything is too fucked up to ever be okay! My parents hate me, and they always would have! I'm not supposed to have a family, it was just never in the cards for me! My mind is so fucked up that I can't even deal with life's simplest problems. I'm never going to med school now because I'm too stupid to pass English."

"Alec-" Magnus tried to interrupt, but Alec had more to say on the matter and wasn't willing to listen.

"I'm done trying to pretend everything is okay! I'm done!" Alec was breathing heavily as he faced Magnus. His mind was whirling and every bad thought he had had in the last six months came tumbling past his lips. "Nobody wants me and I'm just going to have to be okay with that. My sister's life would have been easier had she never met me. Jace has his stupid girlfriend to spend time with. You-" Alec choked as he looked at Magnus's beautiful face and realized the most painful thing of all. "I will never deserve you. You would be so much better off without me. You could have done anything and worked anywhere. You could have kept Brian and been so happy with someone your own age. I've taken everything from you and you have let me time and time again. I'm going to pack my stuff and leave you alone so you can have a normal life. I-" Alec's rant was cut off with a pair of lips cutting off his breath as Magnus kissed him with everything he had.

Alec felt Magnus's long fingers in his hair scratching and pulling and it made him moan with abandoned pleasure. He wrapped his own arms around Magnus's waist and held on with all he had. While he had meant every word he had just said about not deserving Magnus it didn't mean he didn't want him with every part of his soul. When he kissed Magnus he felt like a different person. He felt like his broken pieces were whole again for only a moment of time. He forgot about all his problems and worries while their lips were sealed together.

"Oh God," Alec breathed as Magnus pressed his lips to his neck against in insistently as he backed Alec into the wall pinning him in place with his hips. Alec had no room to be scared as this was all he needed at this moment. He wanted to feel something good, and Magnus made him feel so, so good. He finally worked Magnus's shirt open and let his hands wander over the smooth skin of his stomach and up to trace over the slight muscles of his chest. His fingertips felt on fire with every expanse of skin he got to touch and explore.

"Are you ready to listen now?" Magnus breathed into his ear, his breathing harsh and erratic. Alec nodded mutely and swallowed hard. He knew he had pushed a bit too far in his anger. "Alexander Gideon Lightwood, I have never wanted anyone in my life as much as I want you. You are not my charge and you are not a burden. You are here because I want you and I always will. You are worth being put above everyone else. You are worth the effort of getting to know. Whatever happened with your parents isn't important. They are idiots for not loving you. They were so stupid to give you up. If they wouldn't have loved you, I always would have." Magnus swallowed hard and Alec saw tears form in his eyes. He pulled back enough for them to be able to lock gazes. His green eyes were swirling, but they were focused on him entirely in a way that was so intense it seemed as if he was looking through him instead of at him. "I believe that you and I were meant to meet in this life. I know that I was meant to meet you that day in that smelly old gym when I signed up to volunteer to mentor someone. I wish you could see what I do when I look at you, and until you do I'll just have to remind you." Alec felt his own throat tighten with Magnus's words. Maybe talking could do some good after all. "Do you remember what I used to sing to you when you had nightmares?"

"Y-yeah," Alec stuttered out as tears started to fall over his cheeks slowly. "That stupid song from that movie."

"It was your favorite stupid movie I'll have you know." Magnus gave him a watery smile and Alec felt his heart swell with love. "You watched it constantly that I could almost quote it by the time you had been with me for six months. Do you remember the words?"

"A bit I guess." Alec said shyly. In truth he remembered the words perfectly, but he hardly wanted to sing them.

"You'll be in my heart," Magnus sang softly as he pressed their foreheads together. "Yes, you'll be in my heart. From this day on, now and forever more."

"You'll be in my heart." Alec sang brokenly as the tears fell faster. "No matter what they say."

"You'll be right here in my heart, always." Magnus finished as his own tears mixed with the younger man's. "I didn't sing that to you by chance. I sang it because it's what I felt from the day I met you. I will want you no matter what problems you have. If you left I wouldn't be better off I can tell you that. I would fall apart completely without you."

"Magnus," Alec had started crying openly now as the tender words touched him in a way nothing had before. He was pulled into a strong pair of arms and held tightly as a hand stroked softly and slowly through his hair.

"I will get you through this, darling." Magnus promised him solemnly. "I don't care if you need to lean on me the entire way, but I will help you. This is just a rough patch is all. You aren't broken, only a chip has broken off. Chipped pieces can be glued back together I promise you. I can tell you every single day how much I love you if that's what it takes."

"Thank you," Alec sobbed as he pressed his face to Magnus's shoulder. "Thank you for sticking by me all this time."

"Nothing to thank me for." Magnus said calmly. "It's been a pleasure I assure you."

Alec knew that nothing was magically better and that he might feel this way tomorrow and the next day, but he also believed that Magnus would be here to hold him together as long as he needed him to.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone and I hope you all enjoyed your Independence Day weekend (for those of you who are American anyways) and that you guys are enjoying your summer! Sorry for the ten day wait! I hope you think it's worth it by this chapter. It's once again a long one but I'm sure you don't mind. I love you guys so much for reading and reviewing! You guys are amazing and the support has gotten me so far!
> 
> Maybe I'll get to one hundred reviews this chapter? That would be a little crazy
> 
> Once again shout out to my beta Eli! She is so amazing and puts up with all my whining and complaining! She is so amazing and just, guh, I don't know what I'd do without her at this point.
> 
> We get a tad smutty in this chapter ^_^
> 
> TW: Again there are mentions of self harm in this chapter and it will probably crop up the rest of the fic. Also there are mentions of past abuse as well. Again, please please don't read these parts if it upsets you!
> 
> Happy reading! (There are fluffy parts too of course)

Magnus never liked to admit he was in over his head. It was a fault he had had for a long time. He often took on projects that were simply beyond the scope of what he could safely manage. It had been like this opening Alicante. He remembered sitting at the bar with his two best friends and going on and on about all his plans for the place and what it would become. He had been influenced by Camille, his friend from Paris who was around just long enough to climb in his bed and change his entire life. She convinced him it would be a good idea to open a salon, and then the minute things got hard she was on the first plane back home.

This situation was becoming much like the salon if truth be told. He had gotten Alec through the rough patch last time by the skin of his teeth, and then he had to question if he really got him through it at all since he was back in very much the same place. It was very inconvenient he had dropped out of school just before this all happened because not only did the teen have no real motivation to get up in the morning, but Magnus was also terrified to ever leave him alone too long. He was lucky he could do a majority of the financing, ordering, and scheduling for the salon from home.

He walked up the stairs that seemed to lead to a mortuary more than a bedroom. It was utterly silent the way it had been for days now. Alec had been upstairs for days, barely leaving to use the bathroom or eat. He had gone to bed after their talk in the living room feeling fairly confident he could handle things pretty well. He'd done it once and he could do it again. It required patience and a lot of talking coupled with hugs and binge-watching movies. He thought he could get Alec back to himself fairly quickly, and now he just wasn't so sure. This was playing out much different than before.

"Alec? Darling, are you still up here?" He peered in the room to see Alec on his side staring at the wall like he had been when Magnus left a few hours ago. He had taken a shower and walked up to the salon to check things over. With some of the major bills gone the salon was going back to normal slowly, and that was the only high point he could say about anything just now. He stood by the door biting his tongue and rocking from his heels to the balls of his feet. The first morning Alec had spoken here and there as they spent the morning in bed together. The following two days had seen him growing more and more quiet as time went on until he was lucky to get anything out of him

"Alec?" Magnus tried again as he padded over to sit on the edge of the bed. "Please talk to me. Just come down and eat something. You would probably feel better if you got out of this room. Jace has called a few times. He's worried about you."

"No," Magnus faintly heart Alec rasp out. His voice had grown hoarse with disuse. "I just want to stay here. It's nice here."

"Baby, you have to talk to me at some point." Magnus sighed as he ran his hands over Alec's body gently. He knew it likely wasn't much comfort just now compared to everything else, but it was all he had. "Last time you weren't like this."

"It didn't feel like this." Alec said. Magnus jumped, unaware Alec had heard the last statement. The younger man hadn't moved and continued to stare at the opposite wall. "I never felt like this. I just feel like I'm empty. I don't know if I have anything left to give to anybody. I feel like I gave everything for too long, and now I have nothing."

"You have me," Magnus whispered, slightly desperate. He was losing his mind watching Alec like this. He wasn't eating more than a piece of toast a day and maybe some juice. He was hardly sleeping and it affected Magnus who hated leaving him in the dark with his thoughts. He knew the tangle your thoughts could get into that lead you down dark and twisted paths. "You want to take a shower?"

"I just want to be alone for awhile." Alec said quietly and with finality. Magnus choked back tears suddenly as he realized Alec had said that two days ago and likely hadn't even realized it had been that long. He sat for a long moment craving the smile Alec got when he normally woke up in the morning to see him in bed with him. Magnus had woken him with a kiss each morning following their first. This was torturing him more than before, and Alec was right about the fact that it felt different this time. Maybe both of them were just a little more broken than they were two years ago.

Magnus distantly heard a knock on the door and figured it was likely one of his friends to see where he had disappeared to. Ragnor and Cat could mostly run the place without him, but that hardly meant they should. "Alec, I'm going downstairs for a bit. I'll bring you up a bit of food later, okay?" He got no reply and pressed a kiss to Alec's temple before he left the room. He paused in the hall to catch his breath and push the tears back just a little further than barely under the surface. He felt as if his heart was breaking in a whole new way as he saw the light from Alec gone and his spirit broken. He had been so confident a few days ago that he could snap Alec out of it the way he had before. That was before he realized this ran so much deeper.

He straightened up and walked down the stairs as he fixed his shirt and hair the best he could to look close to normal. He winced as he saw the piles of take away bags and boxes lying around along with the lack of being lived in. He hoped whoever it was could be persuaded to leave quickly. He could get cleaning and get his mind off of Alec. Maybe he'd even blast some upbeat music and see if that brought Alec out if only for a moment to tell him to knock it off. He would take an angry Alec over no Alec right now.

He opened the door to find the absolute last person he could have expected, Will Herondale.

Magnus gaped n the doorway for a long moment looking him up and down and trying to figure out just why they hadn't spoken before now. He took in the tall man who looked much the same, except for his eyes. Will's eyes looked like a spark had gone out in them and wasn't about to be re-kindled. His clothes hung off of him in a way that indicated he had lost a great deal of weight in a short amount of time. His hair was mussed and stood in every different direction and while that was mostly normal something seemed off. Everything about his friend seemed off and Magnus slowly realized what it was. This was a Will without Jem, a Will he had never met before.

Oh God, Jem was truly gone for the rest of their lives and that hurt much more than Magnus planned on. The last weeks had been so busy with crazy things going on that Magnus had pushed thoughts of Jem away and didn't think about it. Now that Will was in front of him and he had nothing to really do or fix it hit him so hard that his breath was cut short.

"Will," Magnus breathed out as he tried to get his brain to function again. "Hi. It's good to see you."

"Jace was worried Alec hadn't returned his calls." Will said as he shuffled his feet and rubbed the back of his neck. "Which I guess made me concerned too. Plus I can't be at work today and I hate sitting home."

"I-I"m-" Magnus couldn't find the words to say how much he had missed Will and how idiotic he had been to carry on a stupid fight this long. Their kids were adults now, and it was so long past the time they could blame each other for the way they behaved. "How have you been? I'm so sorry I never called. I just-"

"Didn't want to come over and relive the fact that James is dead all over again?" Will guessed as he shrugged. "That's kinda why I hate coming home most of the time. I was angry and I planned to come over here and give you a piece of my mind on what kind of friend you are, but then I got here and I'm just happy to see you."

"Why don't I get us each a drink " Magnus suggested as he indicated for Will to come inside. He didn't want Will to see what had become of his living room, but then again this wasn't really something they could talk about out in the open anyways. He darted into the kitchen and grimaced at the pile of dishes as he grabbed the bottle of whiskey and poured two generous glasses. He caught Will's curious look and looked away intentionally to try and dissuade him from asking it.

"I haven't had a drink since the funeral." Will said quietly as he took the glass with a look of pure longing. Magnus silently thanked anyone who was listening Will hadn't asked what he wanted to. "Once the accident happened I dumped every ounce of alcohol we had and never turned back. Not that Jace was really drinking at home, but I guess if I could do something I would."

"Is Jace okay? Physical therapy starting yet?" Will swirled the amber liquid in his glass and Magnus could just see how every moment was painful for Will. It was like being alive was an effort instead of the way Will used to relish in it.

"Jace is grieving." Will sighed heavily. "He's angry at the world. He's angry Jem is gone and I can't replace him. He misses Jem all the time, hell I miss Jem all the time. I thought after a month I'd be able to breathe just a little bit easier, but so far it's only gotten harder." Magnus was horrified to find Will wiping away a few tears almost as if he hardly noticed them. The skin around his eyes was red and raw looking which indicated that there had been far, far too many tears. It looked as if Will had aged ten years in the last couple of weeks.

"Will..." Magnus leaned forwards and put his drink on the table to be able to grab Will's hand dangling off of his knee. "Will, I'm so sorry I brought him up. I- What can I do?"

"It's okay," Will said waving his free hand even as more tears slipped down his cheeks. "This happens all the time. I think I'm okay enough to function like a normal person and then this happens again. Don't feel bad because I was avoiding you too. I used the fight as a premise, but the truth is that I didn't want to see our friends when I'm alone."

"I can't believe he died." Magnus said aloud as he found tears of his own were gathering. "This may sound stupid, but even after the diagnosis kept getting worse I kept thinking he'd fight it off, or that the doctors would help. I never thought this would take his life. He was fine six months ago, fine. He was teaching Alec how to cook last spring. He taught him how to make that awesome chicken dish. It was the only home cooked meal we had all summer."

"He always used to worry about the two of you." Will said with a laugh even as tears kept falling. "He used to want to make you casseroles while I insisted that you would figure it out. I told him once you and Alec became obese we'd interfere." The pair of them laughed and cried together as the absence ached in the air around them.

"How are you doing though, really." Magnus looked at Will solemnly. "I'm so sorry I never asked you sooner. Please know I didn't forget or anything."

"I'm coping, kind of. Nights are hard to deal with." Their eyes met once more and Will seemed to drop whatever facade he had put up in favor of slumping a little further. He shook his head and put his head in his hands. "I'm falling apart Magnus. I am trying so hard for Jace to be okay. I know he needs me to be okay, but I don't know if I'm ever going to be. I can't eat without thinking of the way he made something. I can't sit in our house without seeing him everywhere. His things are everywhere, and he just won't leave. I'm fucking up at work all the time because I can't concentrate. I'm already only on desk work and I'm about to lose my job altogether if I don't pull together. I can't be okay Magnus. I can't just be Will without Jem. I don't think there is a Will without Jem." He was forced to stop talking as the tears took over completely. Magnus was shocked at seeing him cry like this. It was one thing to see him shedding a few tears here and there and completely another to see Will's shoulders shaking with sobs as they escaped from his clenched lips. He took the drink form his hand and pulled him up into an embrace. Will tried to push him off and wipe off the tear, but Magnus refused to let go as he held on tightly. He often forgot Will didn't have someone to hold him when things got hard anymore. He was grieving and no one to help him.

"It'll get better Will." Magnus whispered to him. "We just have to believe that with every part of ourselves. There has to be a time in the future when this won't hurt so much."

"I don't want to do this." Will sobbed into his shoulder as his fists were clenched in the back of Magnus's shirt. "I just want him to come back already. He's never going to. He can never come back to us. He's going to miss everything. Jace and Alec graduating, our boys falling in love and getting married. He'll miss our mid-life crisis. He'll miss our twenty year anniversary this fall. I didn't even get two decades with him. We were meant to have at least two more decades together."

"I'm so sorry Will." Magnus said softly as he felt Will's entire body shake with the force of his grief. "You're right, it wasn't fair. Your time together was too short."

"I'm sorry," Will apologized. "I didn't mean to completely break down in front of you like that." He leaned back into the couch and looked around again. Magnus knew he was going to ask, and only wished he had some excuse that didn't make him look like a failure. He felt like a failure for not being able to help Alec.

"Don't apologize," Magnus assured him, trying to put off the inevitable question he knew was coming. "I should have been around for you a long time ago. I should have been there to talk to. I'm sorry I got caught up in my own things."

"It's alright." Will said hoarsely as he reached for the box of kleenex on the coffee table. "To be perfectly honest I wasn't ready to talk for awhile. It just hurt too much to talk." He paused and a long silence fell between them. Will glanced at him again and Magnus knew there was no more avoiding it. Will had noticed the mess, and he knew something was up. Magnus couldn't hope to hide it at this point, but he still wasn't sure what he was going to tell him. "So, what's happened? This isn't like you. What's been going on?"

"Well-" Magnus made to make up some sort of answer, but his phone rang. He cursed the timing of it and pulled his phone out of his pocket to gaze at the screen. He saw the picture of his best friend on the screen and knew he had to answer it. He shot an apologetic look at Will and brought the phone to his ear.

"Hi Ragnor," Magnus deadpanned, knowing his best friend was about to be entirely too dramatic about their week long silence. He wasn't disappointed.

"Oh, are you alive? I thought you might be, but then again since you haven't called, texted, or been on any form of social media in ten days I thought maybe you had drowned or gotten eaten by something." Ragnor's words drew a laugh out of him grudgingly. Magnus hated endearing this disgusting behavior Ragnor and his partner had of dramatizing everything they possibly could. "Magnus, seriously I miss you. We had weekly dinners together forever and then they just stopped. Raphael and I want to come over for dinner tonight. You two are home and for once we are as well."

"Ragnor, I know it's been awhile since we've spent time together, but tonight really isn't a good time." A loud huff came down the line to stop Magnus in his tracks.

"Let us pick up some pizza and come over for awhile. I haven't seen Blue since summer and it's nearly December! I'm that kids' godfather-"

"Self-proclaimed godfather," Magnus interjected with a grin. Will leaned back and took a long drink as it occurred to him just who Magnus was talking to. Before their lives became crazy and miserable the group used to get together quite often. Ragnor and Raphael, Will and Jem, Jace, Alec, and himself had been found around a table laughing, talking, and eating at least every weekend for the longest time. Those dinners held some of his fondest memories and are what had truly gotten Alec out of his shell for good over the years

"Either way, I miss you guys and I'm sick of us never seeing each other. So much has happened that we haven't been together since James's funeral and I refuse for that to be our last time all together. You just have to open your door I swear. We will bring absolutely everything. I will even concede and get plain cheese for Alec even though he literally takes off half of it." Magnus was silent as he gazed at the disaster his apartment had become, not to even mention the disaster lying upstairs.

"Is he coming over?" Will said with a grin starting to form on his face. "It's been forever since I've seen him." The look on his best friend's face sealed the deal more than Ragnor's whining and pleading over the line. Anything he could do to lighten Will's heart even for a moment he would make happen without question. Magnus nodded to Will before turning away to talk to Ragnor again.

"Okay, but I'm trusting you to bring everything besides alcohol. I got us covered on that."

"God, I've missed you." Ragnor said with feeling as he heard Raphael loudly ask if they could get going already since he was starving. "We'll see you in a half hour then!"

"Right, okay bye Rags," Magnus said numbly as he put his phone back in his pocket and tried not to freak out too much. Alec was upstairs. Alec, who wasn't moving from that bed no matter how he tried to persuade him. Alec, who would definitely not want anyone knowing how much of a broken mess he was at the moment, no matter how much he loved them. Then again Alec could definitely not even think about leaving that room without taking a shower first and foremost. Alec would not be happy about any of this, but Magnus had no idea how to make everyone happy. He knew Alec was hurting more than he could probably imagine, but then again he believed it wasn't good for him to be alone in that room for much longer. Alec needed the people that loved him, and those people were about to all be in the same room at once.

"Magnus, it's alright." Will said slowly as he must have noticed the way Magnus had frozen and appeared to be silently freaking out. He really hadn't scraped the surface of it. "We can get this place cleaned in no time with a few trash bags. I'll pick stuff up and you can vacuum a bit. It'll be fun having us all together again."

"We have a bigger problem than that." Even thinking about it made Magnus's chest tight and his breathing come faster. He didn't know how to tell Will he had completely failed in trying to help Alec feel better. He had been the one yelling at Will only weeks earlier about how he wasn't helping Jace move past what had happened this year and how he had let Jace fall completely apart while doing nothing.

He felt like the biggest hypocrite right now.

"Hey," A quiet voice broke his concentration as a warm hand rested on his shoulder. He turned to see Will's blue eyes meeting his steadily. He swallowed hard and tried to piece together just how he was going to say any of this."What's been going on Magnus? Where is Alec?"

"Upstairs," The moment was here and Magnus had to face it. He had to face the fact that he needed help this time no matter how well he knew his boyfriend. He may have fallen in love with Alec, but he was as clueless as could be right now as to how to get him to come downstairs. "He's in our room. He hasn't left our room in three days."

"Magnus," Will said with a soft groan. Magnus bit his lip harshly as he tried to bring himself to ask for what he knew he had to.

"Everyone wants to come over, and I can't get Alec out of that bed. I don't think he's even realized how long he has been up there. I know he doesn't want everyone to know about what's been going on with him lately." Magnus felt his cheeks heat up as he looked down at his feet. "I can't get him to even take a shower. He's barely eaten in days. I-I thought I could handle this by myself. I thought I knew what to do from a couple years ago, but this is so different."

"I don't know why you didn't call me." Will said sternly. "We've always been in this together."

"We were fighting and-" Magnus protested even as Will spun him around to face him fully.

"No, none of that matters. I don't care if you punch me in the face. If you need me you call me, no questions asked, got me?" Magnus nodded as Will started to head for the stairs. Magnus made to follow him when the older man raised a hand.

"Magnus, you are exhausted. You've been trying to deal with this for days by yourself." Will said softly. "Let me try at least. Maybe you're just too close to the situation. You desperately need a break"

"Okay, if you need anything just call. I'll, um , clean up down here I guess." Magnus said gesturing to the hopeless mess around him. "We only have a half hour after all."

"I'll get Alec sorted out." Will promised. Magnus sincerely hoped he could do what he simply couldn't. He hoped Alec would let someone help him.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Alec was woken by a knock on a door and groaned as his head was throbbing and he was forced to once again be awake. He had been taking sleeping pills over the last few days so he could be asleep more than awake, though Magnus certainly didn't know this. He would have lost it if he knew Alec was taking drugs. Alec had learned that Magnus was understanding about mostly everything there was a line you didn't want to cross. He fished for the bottle underneath the bed to reassure himself it was still there before tucking it more firmly away as he wondered what time it was and why on earth Magnus was knocking. It was his room too, even if Alec had laid in it for the time being.

"Alec?" The voice was not the one Alec was expecting and it caused him to start with surprise and nearly fall off the bed. His muscles protested violently to moving and Alec winced as he tried to stretch out his back. How long had he even been sleeping? How long had he been up here? "Alec, I'm coming in, alright?"

"Will," Alec said frantically as he tried to find a shirt or a sweater preferably to throw on. His cuts weren't healed from a few days ago and he had a few new ones to add to the mix. The ones even Magnus didn't know about yet. Alec had no doubt he would find out eventually and wasn't sure what he would say. "Give me a minute!"

He tried to clean up the tissues and plates of toast that had piled up over the days. His entire body ached severely after being stationary. Alec tried to hide the whimper that escaped and wished he wasn't being bombarded by a man he respected more than almost anyone. He hid the razors carefully next to the pills and hated that he had to hide anything at all. He had to get himself together somehow before he broke Magnus's heart more than he already had. He never meant to get so out of control. He had used Jonathan over the last few months to deal with these urges to let everything go. When he had been with Jonathan, it had hurt, but the pain was good. It had felt good in all the wrong ways. Before Jonathan, he only thought sex was sex, that there were no strings attached, but Jonathan had changed all of that. Now he knew Jonathan had been the puppeteer and he was the marionette; there were indeed strings, strings of manipulation and lust, of false trust and lies. That was the part he couldn't handle, the intimacy, but the physical pain was more than welcome. It had scratched the itch so well that when things fell apart he could cope. Then when he didn't have the blonde anymore, he had gone back to the only thing that had ever helped.

Just when he had thought he would have nothing new to focus on, Magnus had come crashing into him. Their first kiss had been the epitome of perfection, and the relationship to develop wasn't the same level of perfection. He would never regret being with Magnus because the older man was more than he ever could have imagined. Being with someone who just offered him cuddles was great, but he was missing the pain that made him feel alive.

He longed for it now as the thoughts seemed to overwhelm him on just how he was going to balance all of this out. He had slept for today, but then what about tomorrow? How could he deal with so many tomorrows? He forced himself to stop thinking so much about it and focus on making this room okay for Will Herondale to walk into any second.

"Alec," His name was said once more and Alec looked up into blue eyes that had known him since he had been a child. He remembered being scared of Will for the longest time, finding the man intimidating and not sure what to say to him. Then he had come over for dinner and Magnus had shown him that Will was at least as kind as Magnus was, only he showed it differently. Alec took a deep breath before whirling around to find Will standing in the doorway. He felt suddenly much more exposed than he had with Magnus in the last few days. Will didn't have the wool over his eyes that came with being with someone for the first time. Alec knew that Magnus was probably not seeing things all too clearly right now since they were just starting a whole new part of their relationship and he had been selfishly grateful. "Alec, what is going on?"

"N-nothing." Alec stuttered out, still shirtless and far too exposed. His eyes glanced around frantically the room for anything to cover up with. Magnus had obviously collected the clothes to wash and Alec was suddenly frozen to the spot. "I've just been sleeping. Kind of tired lately."

"Magnus says you've been sleeping for quite a while now." Alec couldn't focus on Will as he still tried to find somewhere to hide himself. Will wasn't Magnus, and right now anyone that wasn't Magnus scared Alec too much. It was ridiculous, but it was kind of how things had always been to a certain extent. Magnus was the only one he actually trusted, and just why the hell was Will up here instead of Magnus anyways?

"Where is Magnus?" Alec asked, hating the way his voice was tight with panic and how he wanted to curl up in a corner again. Or maybe get back in bed where things were safe. Alec shook his head, what the hell was wrong with him? He knew Will, and he loved him as family. Will was hardly going to ever hurt him, and yet he had this fear he couldn't explain.

"Magnus is cleaning up downstairs. Alec, it's okay. I just came to see how you were." Will spoke softly as he finally stepped forwards into the room. Alec nodded even as he slowly crept backwards until his knees hit the edge of the bed and once they hit he scrambled to get beneath the duvet and bring it up to his chin. This was why he preferred sleeping right now. His own emotions didn't make any sense to him.

"What are you looking for?" Will asked as he undoubtedly noticed the way Alec's eyes were darting around. Alec took a deep breath and tried to act relatively normal. His eyes finally found the sweater he wanted and locked onto it. The only problem was he didn't want to move over there when Will was here. If he moved Will would see how broken he was, and that wasn't okay. Nobody but Magnus could know how broken he was. Will followed his gaze to see the sweater as well and lifted it up. "You want this?"

"Yes, please." Alec said quietly, hoping Will would just hand it over without a fuss. He knew he was acting like a crazy person and was thoroughly embarrassed. Will handed it to him gently and sat next to him on the bed. Alec curled up tighter by habit and pulled the sweater on.

"Alec, it's me. You know I'm not going to hurt you." Will asked with a frown and a gentle hand on his leg. Alec nodded and tried to make himself calm. Maybe he had just been alone too long. "Why don't we go have a shower?"

"I don't want to," Alec said despondently as he wrinkled his nose. Will sighed and walked over to the dresser to pull out pants and boxers. Alec froze and stared at him in shock. Will turned to face him and placed a hand on his hip.

"I wasn't asking you. It's been three days and you need to shower." The tone to his voice was firm and held no room for argument. Alec blinked at him a few times, unused to this tone being used. It wasn't mean or held any threat like the many men who had been in charge of his care when he was younger. It just held direction, something Alec found he desperately needed. "Are there any other sweaters you like? That one needs washing."

"I like the gray one." Alec said as he slowly stood form the bed. He closed his eyes against the dizziness and wondered if he should possibly tell the doctor in front of him that he may have taken a few too many sleeping pills and it was causing him to feel very strange indeed. He would have right then and there except for that fact that Will would certainly tell Magnus and that would end in disaster.

"Okay, good, let's go." Alec followed Will to the bathroom automatically and then had no idea how Will had gotten him here in the first place. Will closed the door firmly behind them and locked it. It shouldn't have made Alec's breathing quicken, but it did and it was another thing he hated. The list of things he hated about himself and his life had grown too much lately.

"Do you need to be in here?" Alec asked as he played with the hem of his sweater. It wouldn't be the first time he had been naked in front of Will for a reason he really didn't like to think about. Jace seriously had the worst dares in the world.

"Do you really think you can focus enough to take a shower right now?" Alec contemplated Will's question for a moment before shaking his head. It was true that his mind was prone to jumping and wandering these days. "Alright, then strip down and get in. I'll just make sure you're okay, that's all. The washing is all up to you."

"It's just..." Alec didn't know exactly how he wanted to finish that sentence. He didn't want to take off his sweater in front of Will. He didn't want the older man seeing his scars, old and new. It had been one thing as a kid to run across the street naked and not care about what you looked like. It was different when you grew up and had things you didn't want anyone to see.

"Alec, I've seen them before." Alec froze at the way Will seemingly read his mind. He refused to move, still completely frozen. He felt gentle hands on his and he looked up to see Will looking at him with love and concern. "I don't think less of you for them, believe me."

"I hate them," Alec said softly as he let Will take the sweater off. He folded his arms around himself self-consciously. He shivered at the sudden cold air on his skin. Will gently prodded him towards the shower.

"Get in," Will encouraged. "You'll feel better. " Alec complied as he stripped the rest of his clothing and stepped under the spray of warm water. He stood there for a second, marveling at how much better he really did feel just being anywhere other than his room.

"So," Will's voice began outside the shower stall and Alec vaguely realized he had been trapped into listening. He cursed silently and vowed to wash as quickly as possible. He squirted a handful of some kind of shampoo that smelled vaguely of strawberries into his hand to scrub through his hair. Whatever Will had to say was something he didn't want to hear. "I don't know the specifics of what's going on with you, but Jace did mention he thought it had something to do with your father. Your father who thinks homosexuals are the most unnatural thing to walk this earth." Alec froze in the shower, unable to move or hardly breathe at all. For three days he had shut his mind off from what had happened in the cold, stately library in the house he was meant to grow up in. He had managed to block out the sound of his father's voice saying that he would have never loved him because of something he had had no control over. It felt like the awful incident was happening all over again in that moment and he suddenly remembered why he had felt the pressing need to make everything just go the fuck away. His breathing became forced as he remembered his mother's sweet face and his little brother with that huge blanket draped over his shoulders. He saw the love he could have had from them. The love that only would have been cut short when he would realize a boy's jawline would always do much more for him than seeing a girl's cleavage ever would.

"Will," Alec gasped out between heaving breaths. "Will, I can't breathe."

"Oh God," Will said, looking absolutely horrified as he wrenched the shower curtain aside and slammed his fist into the knob to turn off the spray of water. Alec felt himself wrapped in one of Magnus's fluffy towels he normally never touched as he was pulled into Will's arms. He shook in Will's arms partly from the cold, and in part just from the overwhelming memories he never wanted to see again if he could ever help it. He buried his face in the warm chest and tried to remind himself that things were okay. He tried in vain to make himself think of Magnus, Will, and everybody else who loved him so much. He tried everything he could think of to stop himself from breaking down completely in Will's arms and it wasn't working.

"Why can't I fucking breathe?" Alec panted as he felt Will helping him sit on the rug they kept between the shower and the vanity.

"Shh, it's okay, just take deep breaths and it'll pass." The low, deep voice did assure him a little as he slowly calmed down again. He had no idea what had just happened, but he knew he was more than ready to go back to his cocoon of warmth in his room. He wanted Magnus and maybe some tea right now and he might be okay.

"I want to go back to bed." Alec muttered as he stood up to grab his clothes roughly. He was angry Will had brought him out here to face things that the older man had no right to make him face. He didn't want to think anymore. It hurt too much.

"Okay, slow down." Will said as he scrambled up after him and grabbed his arm. "It's okay. I'm sorry I said anything about any of that. "

"Then why the hell did you?" Alec snapped as he tried to hold back the tears building at the back of his eyes. He didn't want to cry anymore.

"Watch your tone," Will warned, partly out of pure habit and partly to gain some control of the situation. Alec honestly wanted to tell him where he could show that warning but as Will was holding him back from being where he wanted he decided to hold his tongue. "I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"What else was that supposed to accomplish?" His tone was still snappy and he knew he was pressing his luck with Will. He had a habit of getting petulant and snippy when he was frustrated and tired which had led to Will taking him over his knee more than once in his life. Magnus got furious each time it happened, though it never stopped Will from doing it. The only thing Alec ever remembered was how much it hurt.

"If you'll just listen to me for one minute instead of snapping at me." Will said with a sigh as he took him by the shoulders gently. "I was going to tell you, fuck Robert Lightwood. You don't need him, honestly. If you want a dad Alexander, which I know you do and you always have, then you can have me. I'll be your dad anytime. I've practically raised you as it is." Alec clenched his jaw, hearing what the older man was saying but unsure how to begin processing it.

"I want my dad," Alec said, knowing how petulant it sounded after Will's generous and touching offer. "You can't make this better. You can't make him love me."

"I'm telling you he doesn't matter," Will told him firmly as he tried to make their eyes meet. "Robert isn't important. You have a whole, huge family right here who loves you so much."

"That's easy for you to say," Alec felt the anger rising in him. "You didn't meet him. You never met the mother you were supposed to have hold you every night when you were sick. You never sat like a stranger in a house you were meant to know better than the back of your hand. Worse than all of that is the realization that I never, would have had it anyways. To realize that they would have hated me no matter what had happened. My father hates me Will, and I don't know how to live with that."

"Alexander," All softness was gone from Will's voice as his eyes clouded with anger. "You are being nothing more than a selfish brat right now. You have had long years of love and laughter in your life. Has it ever occurred to you that you've had it better off in the end? Maybe you should be glad those bigoted idiots didn't raise you. I can guarantee that you never would have met Magnus in this dream-like previous life you're imagining. Magnus would have never fit in to their upright world where anyone unusual is shunned. You might have been forced to stay hidden from everyone about who you truly were. You have had a good life. It's good you got to meet your parents, but you shouldn't bank the rest of your life on something that doesn't matter."

"What about the rest of the time?" Alec's voice went hoarse as his throat threatened to close over. "What about the men who hit me when I was little? What about the women who made it obvious I was wasting their time? You have no idea what I went through before I met Magnus. I have nightmares so bad I literally lay crying for hours afterward about things I can't fully remember. My parents gave me up like a toy they didn't want! They threw me aside! I have a sister who isn't even a full year younger than me that they kept! Do you have any idea how I must feel about that? They had two kids that they thought was good enough. It was just me they threw away."

"Alec," Will's face looked pinched as he listened to Alec's rant. "I am going to tell you a very harsh truth. The truth is that nobody can make you feel better about this. You have to get over it. There is a point where you have to tell yourself to look towards the future and remember what you have now. There are so many people who have crap childhoods and move on. You know what happened to Magnus. I'm sure he was sad about that for a good long time, but look where he is now. You either pick yourself up, determined to move forwards, or you wallow and waste your entire life."

"I-" Alec felt hopeless at Will's words. He felt like nobody and nothing could save him from this drowning feeling. Will's hand on his chin caught his attention once again. Will's face was hard and unforgiving in the flourescent lighting.

"I'm going to give you something else to think about as you mope in bed." Alec tried to pull away but Will held him firmly. "Jace tells me that you are now in a relationship with my best friend. Let me tell you right now that you better not break his heart. Magnus had overcome a lot and moved heaven and earth for you. He has done everything he can to make you happy. I'm not going to let you hurt him. When you agreed to take Magnus's huge, bleeding heart in your hands you agreed to live for someone other than yourself. You agreed to doing your utmost to make him happy. You made him a promise to give this everything you've got. You don't go playing lightly with anyone's heart, least of all Magnus's. Do you understand me?"

"Get away from me," Alec said around a sob as he pulled free from Will's grip. "Just get the hell away from me. I'm allowed to feel upset about all of this. Don't tell me all of this is trivial and that I should just move on. I don't care if you and Magnus are such tough people who have put up with things. I'm hurting and I just want to hurt right now. I want to feel sad, angry, and a million other things. I have a right to mourn the family I never got to have. I lost eighteen years with my sister, whom I know I would have loved from the start. I missed out on years of memories and fun times with my siblings. I have a little brother I could have played with and taught things to."

"Alec," Will's tough love seemed to fade away at the sight of him actually crying. Alec ripped the towel off of him and roughly tugged the clothes on so he could leave the tiny space, ignoring the pain of the fabric against his cuts. The pain grounding him for a moment enough for the tears to be pushed back.

"You don't get to tell me to push this all away like it doesn't matter!" Alec yelled at Will as he stood at the door. "I love Magnus, god knows I love Magnus more than anyone in the entire world, but that doesn't make this inconsequential. No one asked you for your opinion on any of this! This would be like someone telling you to just get over Jem because you had twenty good years with him! Just get over it Will, after all you got some love didn't you?"

The resounding smack took the both of them by surprise.

Alec raised a hand to his throbbing cheek in complete shock. The sting brought the tears back full force as they rolled down his burning cheek. He was shaking again for a completely different reason than before. Will stood across form him, completely speechless and frozen in place. Alec wanted Magnus Bane. Right. Now.

"Magnus!" The cry tore free from his throat as he stumbled out into the landing at the top of their stairs. He should have been above the age to be wailing for his guardian when something went wrong. He had been just fine and sleeping before Will had had to interrupt everything and say stupid things he had no right to say. "Magnus!"

"Alec?" He started crying harder as Magnus appeared at the foot of the stairs and took them two at a time once he saw Alec at the top of them. He still had one hand pressed tenderly to his cheek as it throbbed and ached. Magnus folded his long arms around him and Alec never wanted to leave them again. "Darling, what's wrong? What happened to your cheek?"

"Magnus," Will started as he stepped out into the hallway, shame written all over his face. "God, I can explain-"

"You were meant to be helping him!" Magnus hissed as he cradled Alec to him. Alec started to hum softly to himself and try to block the rest of it out. "What the hell did you do Will?" Magnus ignored his friend completely in favor of bending down and prying Alec's hand away from his cheek. Alec figure it must be red and a bit swollen from the way it ached so much. He couldn't help flinching away as Magnus gently touched it with his own gentle fingers. "Did you HIT HIM?"

"Magnus let me explain." Will pleaded. Magnus had turned away to leave Alec in the stairwell. He knew it had been a bad, bad idea to ever get out of bed today.

"How dare you hit him?! How fucking dare you lay a finger on him?" Alec closed his eyes as his head pounded with the yelling and crying mixing into a mess. He leaned against the wall and tried to reassure himself that at least this situation couldn't possibly get any worse.

"Oh, c'mere Blue," Alec's blue eyes snapped open to see Ragnor Fell of all people standing at the bottom of the stairs. If anyone could make this situation any better it was definitely Ragnor. Alec had never had a single bad memory with Ragnor or Raphael. The two had been like uncles to him growing up and always had treats at the ready. Ragnor wasn't big on touching and the fact that he was holding Alec securely in his arms meant that he was truly safe and very much cared for.

"I say we get the hell out of this shit fest to get some ice cream." Raphael said from behind them. "I just wanted to come to have a few drinks and eat pizza. Instead we get a screaming match."

"What do you think, Blue? You want some ice cream then?" Ragnor asked as Alec nodded against his shoulder and parted from him with a last deep breath.

"Yes, please. Let's get out of here and talk about anything but my life." Alec leaned into Ragnor's side as the older man wrapped an arm around his shoulders.

"Fine by me! We can tell you all about the trip we're planning after Christmas. Mind you don't tell Magnus yet though. I've got to warm him up to the idea of three weeks vacation time." Raphael snickered behind them as they slowly walked down the block towards the only ice cream place Alec would ever go to.

"It's a deal," Alec promised as he listened to them go on about their fantastic trip somewhere far away from here. Alec only wished he could go with them to their fantastical place instead of dealing with things here.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"If you'd just let me explain-" Will started after the door closed behind the trio. Magnus felt himself shaking he was so angry. Seeing that mark on Alec's face after everything that had happened to that poor boy over the last few months sent him into a frenzy.

"Explain what William?" Magnus's voice was cold and deadly. He reminded himself that, though he was angry, Will was still his best friend and physical violence wasn't the best option. "What could you possibly say to explain something like this?"

"You don't even know what he said to me." Will put in as the two of them trailed downstairs that was now free of most of the litter that had been scattered on every available surface. Magnus hurled the vacuum aside as he passed it. Will stopped dead, likely taken aback at the rage Magnus had never shown around him. It was rare the two of them were together when the kids weren't around, and Magnus would never dare show this kind of anger in front of Alec.

"I don't give a fuck what he said to you." Magnus said plainly. "Alec is the one hurting. Alec is the one who is spiraling into depression right now. Of course he's going to lash out. I want to know what you said to set him off. If Alec said something to you, it wasn't unprovoked."

"You're not even hearing me out." Will said, his own anger getting the best of him. "Why do you always think that kid is so perfect? You've never disciplined him a day in his life."

"Alec is hardly yours to discipline!" Magnus yelled. "What the hell did you say to him?! He is a child William, a child! Whatever he said doesn't matter! You are the adult here if I might remind you!"

"He brought up Jem. He used my dead husband against me! Do you still think that's okay?" The revelation didn't even phase Magnus, who was only seeing that ugly red print on Alec's cheek. He was remembering the night Alec came to find him in the rain, cold and alone. That night Alec had shivered on his couch, from cold and fear. He had run away from his foster parents who had wanted to take Alec back to the program. They had disapproved of Magnus in every possible way. Alec had attached himself like a leech to Magnus's side from the day they met. He was young, adorable, and so alone it made Magnus's heart break. He had sat on his couch with a mark very similar to the one he sported today across his face. Magnus had found welts form a belt across his back shortly after and knew Alec had hardly had it easy where he had been. Alec had grown up with tough love, and Magnus knew he would never have to again as long as he was in his care. Alec had been through quite enough.

"Enough," Magnus snapped at his friend as he strode closer so they ended up nearly toe to toe. "Enough, I don't want to hear anything out of your mouth except for an apology. You do not lay a hand on Alec as long I'm around, you understand me? I don't want to ever again see any kind of mark like that on him, from anyone. I want you out of my house, right now. You better not think about coming back unless you have a very profuse apology for the both of us."

"You want him to get better?" Will seethed. "You want him to come back form this? You have to stop treating him with kid gloves. I smacked him because he deserved it for what he said to me. He doesn't have the right to just go off whenever he wants to because he's upset. I didn't mean to hit him, but I'm not going to say he didn't deserve it."

"How dare you?" Magnus roared as he shoved Will back a few paces. "How fucking dare you say he would deserve something like that? Did I not share with you the fact that I found countless marks on Alec when he came to stay with me? Belt marks and handprints over his thin body. Did you know that William? Did you know that Alec has had quite enough tough love for one lifetime? Alec is the kindest, sweetest, and most broken human being I have ever met and he's barely of age!"

"I"m not saying I don't love him. Of course I do, nearly as much as I love my own son. I know he's been through a lot but-" Magnus shoved him once again with Will nearly falling over the vacuum cleaner that had fallen on its side.

"No, just stop talking to me and get the hell out! You are digging your hole deeper by the second! There is nothing to discuss here. You hit a child and that is unforgivable!"

"I smacked him Magnus! I didn't beat him to death." Will said hotly. "You need to stop acting like I'm some child abuse maniac. I've smacked Jace before and he's just fine. Just because you're fucking him doesn't mean you just let him do whatever the hell he pleases."

Magnus could honestly say no punch had ever felt as satisfying as the one he sank into Will's jawline.

Will did fall that time, sprawled over the floor and looking like he desperately wanted to hit Magnus back but was debating how that would go.

"Hey, hey!" Ragnor yelled over them as he came to stand between them. "What the hell you guys? Cut this shit out!" Magnus cursed loudly as he knew Alec had seen him punch Will. He had also likely heard the last line Will had delivered in spite.

"We aren't sleeping together," Alec's thin voice rang out in the sudden silence. "I – He's hardly kissed me a few times. We – We haven't..."

"Darling, go upstairs. I'll be up in a minute." Magnus said in a relatively even voice as he tried to push the anger away. His knuckles felt broken from the hit and he sincerely hoped they were just bruised.

"C'mon, you can show me what we were talking about before." Raphael chipped in as he started to lead Alec towards the stairs.

"Magnus needs some ice," Alec protested as he shook off the guiding hand and darted past Will who was still on the floor to go into the kitchen.

"I think you better get your ass our of here." Ragnor advised Will coldly. "I really don't think you want a three on one match just now."

"Fine," Will snapped as he got to his feet, ignoring Ragnor's outstretched hand. "Fine, I'm going." He swept out the door and slammed it soundly behind him. The silence rang in their ears before rustling in the kitchen spurred Magnus into action/ He hurried into the kitchen to find Alec rummaging in the ice bin with shaking hands and putting ice in a bag. He was about to comfort him when Ragnor stepped up and took the ice out of his hand.

"Sit down Alec, I can deal with this idiot." Alec obeyed and shrank back to stand by Raphael. His eyes flicked from Magnus to Ragnor frequently and Magnus couldn't read the look on his face. He couldn't believe he had really punched Will. He hadn't delivered a punch since he'd been in high school.

"Magnus, your hand." Alec said softly as he eyed the bruised hand Magnus had rested on the table. The skin around his knuckles was turning blue and purple, but he was pretty sure it wasn't broken. He hissed in pain as he tried to bend his fingers gently. "You didn't have to do that."

"It felt incredibly good, let me tell you." Magnus told him with a wry grin. Alec rolled his eyes and took the ice pack from Ragnor to place gently on his knuckles.

"I'm not wasting all this pizza." Raphael announced as he opened the top box. "I'm heating this up. Alec, you want any?"

"No thanks," Alec said quietly as he stared at his lap. The two other men exchanged a look and Magnus knew Alec's lack of eating had at least been caught out.

"We had finally got him relaxed, zuramato" Raphael hissed to him as he plopped down a plate. The conversation remained light around the table until Alec pleaded that he was tired and headed up to bed. Magnus threw the ice into the sink and tossed the bag into the waste basket. It had been another long, long day and he was about ready for bed as well.

"Okay, so now that Alec went to bed," Ragnor said finally in a tone that was much unlike the one he usually used. "What the hell is going on? That kid has lost a lot of weight in the last few months. He wouldn't eat more than a few bites of ice cream when we took him out which never happens. Normally he can eat more ice cream than the two of us combined."

"He is awfully sad." Raphael added as he stood behind Ragnor with his hands lightly on his shoulders. "He finally brightened up a little towards the end, when he was talking about you actually. The rest of the time he just let us talk. "

"Are you really dating him?" Ragnor asked. "Catarina has been going on about how you two were about to announce it any time now. I told her she was nuts of course, but it would seem I was wrong. Look I know you like him, and Alec may even like you as well, but do you really think he needs a boyfriend right now of all times? I saw the cuts Magnus, that's serious business."

"Cuts?" Raphael asked as his eyes narrowed in concern. "Wait, you mean like self-inflicted? "

"Alexander is having a hard time right now." Magnus said slowly. "I'm not going to tell you the details because I don't think he'd appreciate that. He's going to be okay, we just need to be around him. Alec will sort this out. " He turned to address Ragnor directly."Alec and I are working out what we are right now. I'm hardly pushing him right now, but yes one of these days we are going to go on a date. Alec and I have feelings for one another, very strong and real feelings. You need to stay the hell out of this."

"Like hell I'm not going to say anything." Ragnor spoke intently as he leaned forwards to rest his arms on the table. "You are nine years older than he is Magnus. I don't think this is a good idea."

"Amor," Raphael said lowly. "Perhaps we should let them work things out on their own."

"What, do you think I'm going to take advantage of him?" Magnus asked angrily. "Do you really think that little of me?"

"Don't waste breaking those knuckles on me," Ragnor joked as he eyed the fist Magnus had made. "Look, I don't know what I think about any of it. I just know I love Blue a lot and I don't know if he's ready for the same relationship you are. You're ready for a lifetime commitment and I'm not sure he's quite up for that."

"I don't know what I'm ready for, or him. Can't I just take a minute to figure it out?" Magnus asked loudly.

"No, no you can't if I'm being perfectly honest." Ragnor insisted. "You need to be completely certain about what you want before you get too far into this. I don't know what is going on with him in particular, but I do know that everyone his age is a bit confused about who they are and what they want. If at least one of you isn't certain about things then you will end up hurting each other." He sighed heavily. "Then on top of all of that I would have no clue what side to take if you two did break up." Light laughter went around the kitchen to break the tension.

"I see your point." Magnus conceded at last. "We are taking it slow I can promise you that. I can't just turn back now or turn out feelings off. I can only say I would never hurt him on purpose."

"I sure hope you know what you're doing." Ragnor sighed. "We're going to go and let you two get settled for the night. I was perfectly serious about re-instating our weekly dinners though, and the next one better end up better. " He grabbed Magnus in a one-armed hug. "Call if you need anything."

"Bye, amigo," Raphael said with a small smile as he followed his partner out. Magnus sat with his head in his hands and thought that maybe things this time things would finally get better instead of so much worse

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"I know you aren't asleep," Alec heard the soft lilt of Magnus's voice as the older man crept into the room and slid into bed next to him. He smiled into his pillow and relaxed into the warmth Magnus offered as he spooned against him. He felt a soft kiss pressed to his neck and hummed in satisfaction.

"I was sound asleep before you came in." This time it was a nip in the same spot.

"Liar, you are a terrible liar." Alec laughed softly and was glad the darkness that liked to numb his mind seemed to have left for the moment. He felt the glow burning through him as he did every time he realized that this was his. Magnus Bane was his and his alone.

"It's been a crazy day." Alec felt Magnus start slightly, as if startled he was speaking.

"You could definitely say that." Magnus agreed. Alec turned in his arms to face him and lay his head on Magnus's shoulder.

"You punched Will." Alec stated quietly. "I'm sorry you punched Will." He bit his lip and looked at Magnus warily. "He wasn't at fault for hitting me, honestly. I goaded him into it by being a brat. I knew I was pressing every button he had and I pressed them anyways."

"Stop," Magnus said firmly as he pressed a finger to Alec's lips. "You are not mentally together-"

"That's not even true. That's bullshit. I knew what I was saying and I was an ass for hurting him just because I was hurting." Alec said furiously. "You should be mad at me instead of coddling me over it. You taught me better than that!"

"I'm not faulting you for saying something completely out of anger. It's not like you get angry nobody is perfect." Magnus laid a hand on his arm.

"You should blame me. Will certainly does. I do." Alec said sullenly.

"I'm the idiot that did it. I knew better and Will probably didn't deserve a punch."

"He definitely didn't deserve it." Alec said, quietly still horrified at what he had said. He had dealt a low blow; that wasn't fair. Will was just trying to help, and to be honest his head had been more clear since their argument. The older man had had a lot of good points to what he said. He stood by the fact that he was hurting and thought he deserved to able to feel it, but then again he did have Magnus and Magnus deserved more than this. He had been doing everything he could to help.

"What did you say to him?" Alec brought his head up to look in Magnus's face.

"He didn't tell you?!" Magnus got a sheepish look at the incredulous question.

"He probably did, and I just was too angry to hear him." Alec rolled his eyes and laid down flat to stare at the ceiling Magnus propped himself up on one arm so that they could see one another in the dim light that came from outside street lamps.

"I brought up Jem. I compared his death to what I'm going through, which wasn't right, I know. It was so wrong of me to say and I don't know how I'm ever going to apologize." Magnus's eyes had widened as he listened and he whistled lowly when Alec was finished.

"You said that?"

Alec blushed lightly. "It wasn't my proudest moment I'll admit. Do you think he'll forgive me?"

"I think people will forgive you just about anything with those eyes." Magnus replied with a smile as he brushed one hand across his unaffected cheek. "I know I will."

"You scared me a little." Alec confessed as he looked away out to the familiar scene outside their bedroom window. "I don't think I've ever seen you that angry before. It was kind of alarming." He remembered the moment he heard the thud of Will hitting the floor and how it had sent a shock through him. He had been a witness to a lot in his life. He had seen the way couples had fallen completely apart, despite adopting a child to glue them together. He had seen adults hit each other out of anger, and frustration. He had seen women who hit the children she had volunteered to take in with bouts of exhaustion took over her with countless nightmares making sleep hard to get. He had been the victim of long days at work where stress took over instead of self-control. People had many motivations for violence, but Magnus hadn't yet fallen prey to any of those.

Then again, the last few months had been like some kind of horrific nightmare they never wanted to live through again. He knew it was only one time, but that one time could turn into more. Nobody was immune to the toll too much stress could take on you. He could never imagine Magnus hitting anyone, yet he had hit one of the most important people in his life.

"Alec, I would never, ever do anything to you. I swear to you no matter how angry I get." Alec brought his own hand to cup Magnus's face on one side and his heart warmed when Magnus turned his face to kiss his palm softly.

"I know that, I do. It just... I don't know. It was strange is all." They locked gazes for a long moment and Alec couldn't help the way his gaze darted to Magnus's lips. He missed the way Magnus tasted and the way it felt to be kissed It hadn't been that long since their last kiss, but Alec felt every moment. He took a deep breath and tried to keep his voice casual and unattached. "You haven't kissed me since I hurt myself. Not on the lips, at least. Are you angry with me?" Alec asked the last question with trepidation in his tone. "I feel like you are, and I don't want you to be. I know I said I wouldn't do it anymore, but I needed to. I hope you can understand that."

"No, not angry," Magnus said quietly as he shifted so that he pulled Alec to lay on top of him. Alec folded his hands on top of Magnus's chest and rested his chin on them. A tan hand came up to tangle in his hair gently and massage his scalp. "I don't know how to put it. I thought things were going so well with everything. I know things with Robert went terrible, for lack of a better word, and you have every right to be upset about that. I just keep wondering what will push you over an edge I can't pull you back from. Your behavior is dangerous, and it hurts me. I'm scared for you, and I guess for me as well."

"Magnus," Alec said softly as he maneuvered himself to hover above the older man on his elbows. He leaned down to kiss him softly on each cheek before pressing their lips together softly. "You make me so, so happy. I hope you know that. You are the one person who can brighten any day or moment for me. You make me feel so alive, and so fulfilled."

"I didn't," Magnus protested. "I tried for three days to get you to move, or eat, or just come be with me and you wouldn't. I couldn't get you to do anything. You would only lay there." Tears started to form at the corners of his golden green eyes and Alec felt incredible guilt for what he had put Magnus through.

"I'm sorry," Alec apologized. "I never meant to hurt you. I would have been okay, I promise. I just needed some time."

"It was three days of you barely looking at me." Magnus continued. "You can't do that to me. I can't handle it. I thought you might not be coming back as stupid as that sounds. I don't think you know how lost I am without you."

"Shh," Alec soothed as he wiped the tears away as quickly as he could before more came. "It's okay now. I won't do it again. I promise."

"No," Magnus protested. "Don't promise me that. You can't promise me that." Alec hung his head as he realized that he really couldn't promise that right now, or possibly ever. He had vowed to stop so many times and it still hadn't happened. He had gotten alternative outlets to self harm, but he had never stopped completely.

"I don't know what you want me to say." Alec said staring at the chain Magnus was wearing around his neck. "You know I have problems with that. I have for awhile and I don't know how to make them magically disappear. "

"Maybe this isn't a good idea right now, me and you." Magnus said and Alec felt like a knife had just stabbed him in the heart. He knew Magnus likely had a good point, but he couldn't let this go, let him go.

"No, no please don't say that." Alec pleaded. Will's words echoed back at him about breaking this man's heart below him. When you agreed to take Magnus's huge, bleeding heart in your hands you agreed to live for someone other than yourself. You agreed to doing your utmost to make him happy. You made him a promise to give this everything you've got. He had been right, completely right and Alec had attacked him for it. God, he could really be a selfish idiot sometimes when he wanted to be. "I'll be better for you. I am so sorry for shutting you out. I know you deserve better than me. I know that but I'm asking you to take me anyways. I'm begging you to please not give up on us yet. Give me a little more time to work things out. I'm a shit boyfriend for making you cry before I even get to go on a date with you."

"You aren't a shit boyfriend." Magnus assured him with a slight smile. "You just need practice." Alec couldn't even muster a smile as the guilt still tore at him.

"I'm sorry, I hope you believe me on that. I will never shut you out again. That much I can honestly promise you. I will do whatever you want, but please don't leave."

"I just want you to be okay. That's all that matters." Magnus said brokenly as he let Alec pet his hair and stroke his face tenderly. Alec kissed him more firmly this time, molding their lips together and creating the familiar heat that flared up every time they came together like this. He moved his lips insistently over Magnus's until the older man finally responded and laid his hands on Alec's hips to pull them together firmly. Alec moaned into his mouth and Magnus took the opportunity to slip his tongue in to tangle together. Magnus tasted of toothpaste from moments before when he had brushed his teeth. The mint tasted fresh and clean when what they were doing was anything but that. He put his hand under Magnus's head to cradle it in his palm and tilt his head to the side so he could more easily dip his tongue into Magnus's mouth. This was a new experience, controlling the kiss. Jonathan had always made sure he was the one calling every single shot when they were together and Alec had never had the opportunity to explore what he liked.

"Alexander," Magnus moaned loudly as Alec pulled away to breathe while at the same time latching onto his neck to suck none too gently. Alec had no true idea of what he was doing and mainly going off of what he remembered Jonathan doing that actually felt good. "Should we be-"

"I"m tired of letting him win," Alec panted as he finished leaving a sizable mark on caramel skin. "I want this. I want you and I'm tired of not having what I want."

"You are barely okay and this is..." Magnus trailed off as he seemed to get distracted by Alec's hands that had trailed down over his shirtless chest to tweak his nipples experimentally. Magnus gasped and bucked his hips instinctively against the younger man's. A grin grew across Alec's face at the intense reaction he had caused and really wanted to do it again. He took one between his thumb and forefinger to roll it gently as he kissed along his chest.. Magnus's breathing was harsh and unexpectedly loud in the silent room. Alec leaned back to look at the man below him and marvel at the sight. The skin under his hands was smooth and utterly flawless with thin muscle straining under the skin. His saliva shone off of his skin in the minimal lighting and he glanced at Magnus's face to find that he was looking right back at him with his pupils wide with lust. Alec loved Magnus's eyes, their shade and shape, the way they always held love in them no matter what was going on. He had never once looked into those eyes and not seen visibly how much Magnus loved and cared about him.

"You are beautiful," Alec breathed as he let go of the sensitive nub he had between his fingers. He ran a gentle hand over Magnus's stomach and then back up to barely run his fingers over his jaw. "Absolutely gorgeous. I-I don't know why on earth you would end up with someone like me."

"Oh my Alec," Magnus murmured as he sat up to take Alec in his arms gently. Alec sat in his lap and wrapped his legs around the older man's waist tightly. He could feel how hard Magnus was against his thigh and marveled at how gently he was still being held. When Jonathan had gotten aroused it had always only been about how fast the other man could find his release. Magnus planted soft kisses along his shoulders, wet and open-mouthed, yet tender at the same time. "Trust me when I tell you that you are the most beautiful person I have ever laid eyes on. Darling, I could do no better."

Alec felt tears start to fall at the kind words that seemed to mend him together piece by broken piece. He took Magnus's face in his hands and kissed him with every ounce of feeling he was having just then. Magnus, on the other hand, kept the kiss gentle and controlled as he ran his thumbs over Alec's cheeks, seeming to understand that the tears were of anything but sadness. Alec whined as Magnus broke their kiss to lay him back against the pillows and lay between his legs. He felt his heartbeat pick up its pace and his breathing quickened, unsure of what Magnus was planning.

"Do you trust me?" Magnus whispered to him as he kissed his eyelids as Alec's eyes closed of their own accord.

"Completely," Alec answered even as he trembled in anticipation and nerves.

"Let me make you feel amazing." Magnus said against his ear before kissing the lobe and moving down his body with his lips occasionally brushing here and there. Alec instantly relaxed at the distance and lifted his head up to see what Magnus was doing. The older man had a slight smirk playing on his lips as he leaned down to lick a trail over Alec's stomach. His muscles jumped and clenched under the soft touch and his breathing hitched. He heard the bed creak as Magnus shifted to the end of the bed and sat on his knees between Alec's legs. He latched a finger in the hem of Alec's boxers and met his gaze evenly while giving a slight tug. Alec knew this was his way of asking and he could only say yes at this point. He found himself harder than he had ever been in his life and wanted some release. He lifted his hips to let Magnus slide his boxers off smoothly. He felt his face heat up impossibly warm as he was fully exposed in a more intimate way than he had ever been before. He was about to speak and say anything to break the silence that had fallen between them, but then he saw the look on Magnus's face and stopped himself.

Magnus was looking at him with a gaze full of awe. His eyes were carefully tracing every part of him and while his pupils were blown wide with lust his hands were careful and gentle as they slid up his thighs and over his hips. He had never been touched this way and it made his skin break out in goosebumps. Magnus met his eyes as he carefully wrapped his hand around Alec's cock and stroked him smoothly and gently. It was Alec's turn for his breath to hitch as he gasped and collapsed against the pillows behind him. Magnus's hand felt amazing around him and it brought his body completely alive with just one movement. Magnus picked up his pace as he moved to lay down with his head in a place that only meant one thing. Alec picked his head up again to gaze at Magnus incredulously.

"What are you doing?" Alec said breathlessly. Magnus's smirk returned.

"I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life." Alec laid back and tried to clear his mind to start thinking clearly.

"Wait, please, I need a minute." Alec panted as he raised a hand to get his boyfriend's attention. "Just give me a minute."

"Honey, are you okay?" Magnus asked as he sat back on his heels and looked at him carefully. "What is it? Talk to me."

"I need to process this and think." Alec felt Magnus move to lay next to him instead and take his hand to twine their fingers together. He kissed Alec's knuckles softly one by one. Alec had no idea if he wanted a blow job, though of course they must be nice. He just wanted an opportunity to be able to say yes without his mind clouded with sensations. His breathing slowed down to normal at last and he was able to think. Magnus would make sure he enjoyed himself. He trusted the older man to take care of him, like he always had. "I"m sorry, I've never had one before and I wanted a minute to think about it. That probably sounds really, really stupid.

"It's fine, don't worry." Magnus's voice was completely calm and made Alec feel secure. He had no idea what this would be like, but he was ready to give it a try.

"Okay, okay go ahead. Please continue with making me feel wonderful now." Alec said with a blush as Magnus laughed out loud.

"If it's okay with you, that's exactly what I intend to do." Magnus spoke against his hips as he planted his lips there and sucked gently. Alec sighed in pleasure and laid back once more. He felt a final kiss before he felt the mattress shift yet again. He only had a second of anticipation before Magnus's mouth was closing around his head and he lost all conscious thought. The heat engulfing him made his mind turn off as his hips bucked upwards of their own accord. Magnus didn't try to stop him, but simply moved his head to mirror his movements and moved slowly lower over his member. Alec tried to remember how horrible it was when Jonathan had thrust into his mouth without consideration but was having a hard time keeping his hips still with the pleasure riding through him. Magnus was quickly deep throating him as Alec felt him nose at the hair around his base. He was ridiculously impressed and turned on all at once as he tangled both hands in Magnus's mop of black hair to hold tightly. Magnus moaned around him causing vibrations to carry all the way up his spine and Alec arched off the bed slightly in pleasure as he whined low in his throat. He gave an experimental tug to get the same results and his hips once again twitched.

"Oh God, this feels amazing." Alec told his partner as Magnus began bobbing his head up and down eagerly. He wasn't going to last much longer like this. He wanted to come with Magnus, not before. He tugged Magnus hard enough to make him meet his gaze. "I'm close Magnus, fuck I'm so close."

"That's fine darling, tonight is about you." Magnus's voice was hoarse as he pulled completely off of him for a moment to look at him and it made Alec even harder. "I want you to come in my mouth. It's perfectly alright."

"But Magnus-" Alec was cut off from speaking as the warm, wet heat of Magnus's mouth surrounded him once more. It wasn't much longer before he was exploding in Magnus's mouth with a cry of pleasure and his mind wiped completely blank. He lay panting and trying to form the ability to speak again as Magnus crawled up to drape himself over Alec, warm and heavy. Alec cupped the back of his neck to bring him into a sloppy kiss, open mouthed and lazy. He fumbled down Magnus's body to cup him in his palm, his cock slick from precum leaking from the tip. He was large and heavy in his hand as he stroked him.

"Alec, you don't have to-" Magnus started before Alec cut him off with a firm kiss.

"No, this is equal between us. You deserve to have the favor returned, believe me." He felt Magnus's hips jerked against his arm and knew he was close as well. His breathing was loud in Alec's ear accompanied by soft moans and grunts as Alec moved his hand faster and tighter around him. It wasn't long before Magnus released over Alec's hand and leg. They lay in silence with Alec tracing absent patterns over Magnus's back. The older man's head was pillowed on his shoulder as he panted against Alec's neck and came down from his release.

"Are you okay, sweet pea?" Magnus asked as he pulled Alec closer by the waist and kissed him softly. Alec sighed into the kiss and had honestly never felt better in his entire life.

"I'm good, so good." Alec replied breathlessly. "That was the most amazing thing."

"Good." Magnus made to get up and Alec made a distressed noise at the thought of Magnus leaving after something like that. It had been one thing when Jonathan had done it, but Magnus wasn't allowed to just leave after that. "Hush, I'm just getting a cloth for us. I'll be right back I promise.

"Magnus," Alec said with panic clutching him suddenly.

"Alec, shh, I'm right here." Magnus reassured him with a hand rubbing his stomach gently. "I'll be gone ten seconds."

"Okay," Alec stared at the ceiling and tried not to panic. Magnus loved him. He loved him and they had just shared something intimate. He was going to come back, right back. Magnus was a better man that Jonathan could ever hope to be. It wasn't... this wasn't...

"Oh God Alec, I'm sorry." Magnus said as he climbed back on the bed. "It's alright darling, I'm here. I just couldn't find a cloth in the dark."

"I'm sorry," Alec mumbled as he tried to calm down. "I'm being so stupid."

"That boy didn't treat you right." Magnus swiped a cloth over him gently to clean up their mess. "You aren't stupid. You don't know anything different. "

"I'm clean, I'm fine." Alec insisted as he had had enough of the distance and tugged Magnus to lay next to him so he could crawl over to curl around him. Magnus laughed gently as he let Alec get comfortable before hugging him close.

"I love you so much, darling." Magnus whispered into his hair.

"I love you too," Alec mumbled as sleep was trying to take over him. He was warm and safe and happy. Everything felt okay for this moment that he was in Magnus's arms, and Alec felt like everything always would be here.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um, hey everybody! Yes it's really me updating! I know it's been a couple of weeks but work has been killing me lately with hours! Then I got a kitten :D She is an adorable little handful that keeps me from writing when she is crawling all over me. Fun Times!
> 
> ANYWAYS
> 
> So this chapter is fun let me tell you. I did get stuck but we get other characters around. You get Clary in this one! And if you guys are also clace shippers there is something for you here! But of course there is Malec, lots of it, and it's pretty happy this time compared to the last few chapters.
> 
> I REACHED A HUNDRED REVIEWS, WHAT?
> 
> You guys are amazing with the reviews and the support for this story! Thank you so much for each and every review you guys leave on and off . I love all of you so, so much!
> 
> Much thanks and love to Eli, my beta She does a lot for me and keeps me motivated!
> 
> Okay, enough waffling on now. HAPPY READING

Magnus blinked his eyes open slowly and in that moment between sleeping and alert he could believe everything was okay. He could pretend it was six months ago and Alec was just fine. He could believe he was running one of the most successful salons in Brooklyn and Jem was still alive. He could, if only for a moment, go back to when he was happy. Then the moment was over and yesterday came back to hit him full force in the chest, good and bad. He blinked a few more times to see Alec was out of bed and he distantly heard the shower running.

He wondered if Alec was okay, and if it would be okay to join him in the shower. He wasn't about to bombard Alec with shower sex, but it would be nice to just wash each other and be close. Plus he wanted to know if Alec was showering because he felt sweaty and gross the way Magnus did, or if he was simply avoiding him. Magnus rolled out of bed and grabbed a robe from the inside of the closet door to wrap around himself. He padded across the hall and tested the knob to find the door open. That had to be a good sign.

"Good morning," Magnus called as he entered the bathroom cautiously. This could go very badly and Alec could yell at him to get the hell out. He knew Alec wanted, and needed, privacy, but right now he just wanted to be close to him. He hadn't lied when he had told Alec the last few days had terrified him down to his soul.

"Oh, um, hey," Alec poked his head out of the shower. His hair was damp and dripping onto the rug next to the shower . "Are you angry I didn't wait for you to wake up? I just felt kinda gross and yesterday's shower was hardly satisfying. I just thought that if I actually had the urge to get out of bed I should act on it. I turned on my phone finally this morning and I have about twenty phone calls."

"No, I just wanted to see you. That tends to happen when you drop off the face of the earth, darling. I've done it before and the catching up is hardly worth turning off your phone." Magnus fidgeted with the tie of his robe and pretended to straighten things on the vanity. He had no idea why he felt this insecure and nervous. He didn't know how he was supposed to react in this situation. He had this inexplicable fear of Alec disappearing and never coming back. He had dreams of that particular scenario more than once the last week or so. That couldn't happen, not to Alec. Magnus had been in relationships before, but they were nothing like this. He felt their connection through every single thing they did together. Losing Alec was not an option, ever. He may have told Ragnor last night that he didn't know what he wanted, but his heart seemed to know. His heart knew that Alec was the one he had longed for his entire life. He had thought last night was going to be emotionally hard for Alec, and instead it turned out he was the one with more feelings than he knew how to deal with. "Can I join you?"

"Are you serious?" Alec's head appeared again and he wore a shocked expression. It was Magnus's turn to flush a deep red as he continued to fiddle with the tie to his robe.

"We could save water? I promise I don't mean any foul play or anything."

"If you groped me I don't know if I'd even call that foul anything." Magnus was still quiet and Alec's shock molded into confusion.. "Magnus, what's wrong?"

"I- I just... Are you okay?"Alec reached for a towel and left the water running as he got out of the shower and pushed his sopping hair out of his eyes. His blue eyes hadn't lost their haunted look completely, but they looked less closed off than they had lately. He looked whole and okay in front of his eyes, but that hadn't meant anything these last few days.

"Look, you need to understand something." Alec said patiently as he held his towel tightly. "The self-harm thing never stopped. I know you think it did, and I guess you are kind of right. I did stop cutting for a long time. The urges never left. I never stopped using pain as a way to cope"

"W-what?" Magnus felt as if the world had been taken away underneath of him as his stomach dropped out. This was hardly the morning after he had pictured after their first time being intimate.

Alec sighed and took Magnus's hands in his. "I've been up for hours and I have decided that you need to understand this, understand me. You get me in so many ways already, and you're amazing, but Will made me realize that this relationship is going to be more intense than I ever planned on. You need to know this part of me." Alec's grip on his hands tightened as he must have felt the way Magnus's hands begin to shake. "The cutting stopped before, and that was great. You helped me get over the worst of it. The thing is that the pain became a way for me to deal with everything. It puts everything into a different sort of perspective that is easier to deal with. I found alternative methods to razor blades. I used to snap my wrists with rubber bands, or I went to the gym with Jace. I could go for a run or I could write things down to tear them up later. I held ice cubes until my hands hurt from being so cold." Alec took a deep breath to steady himself. "The point I'm trying to make is that I am still going to have bad days and it's been hard. My knee was hurt so I couldn't work out or run like I have been. Things got bad and I lost control in the park the other day. I told you I can't promise you it will never happen again, but I can tell you I have alternative ways of coping. I'm not going to fall apart into a million pieces all the time."

"Alec," Magnus felt as if his knees were about to give out. He knew the joke about teenagers keeping secrets, even from the best parents and he had never thought it applied to them. Magnus wasn't a dad and Alec wasn't your typical teen. They never fit stereotypes. The revelation that Alec had been hurting this way for years when Magnus hadn't known was alarming. He felt as if he might not know Alec as well as he thought. "I thought we told each other everything."

"The look you're wearing right now is why I never told you." Alec said shrewdly. He slipped his hands under the robe and settled on his hips. Alec was biting his lip and once again looked nervous to be touching him. Magnus had to admit everything felt a little different in the harsh light of day and without lust clouding his thoughts. Alec stepped close enough to lightly and hesitantly kiss his jaw. "You have to stop treating me like I'm going to break apart. I have good day and bad days." He kissed Magnus on the mouth before he could interject. "Also good couple of days and bad couple of days. Come in the shower with me and then I'm going to call my friends back. Jace is probably going spare, and Isabelle has called a handful of times. Right now, I want to spend time with my boyfriend."

"Are you going to start telling me when you have bad days?" Magnus asked, needing to know that Alec was at least going to start letting him in now if he hadn't in the past.

"I can try to, yeah. It comes on suddenly sometimes and I can't just tell you that you will get a warning system now that we're dating. I get your point and I will try letting you in more. " Alec kissed him sweetly once more. "It isn't like I kept all that much from you before. You've always known when I had bad days. You only didn't know how I coped with them before you came home." Magnus was quiet as Alec pulled at the tie on his robe and slid the silky material off his shoulders

"Magnus," Alec said sharply to gain his full attention. His mind was going on a million directions and he was finding it difficult to focus on one thing too long. The younger man folded his arms and glared at him. "Are you going to let us enjoy this? We had sex last night for the first time and now you're spacing out over things that have always been here. I want to enjoy this together. I spent months with a guy I never even got to spend the night with. I want you to come join me in the shower and continue basking in the fact that we are together and that we are perfect. I want you to hold me and wash my hair. Stop trying to ruin this."

"You're right," Magnus said, shaking his head a little and focusing on the glorious body in front of him. Alec had dropped his towel and that glare wasn't putting him off from the view very much. He stepped forwards to push Alec towards the rushing warm water slowly. "I am wasting a prime opportunity right in front of me."

"Much better," Alec said softly as Magnus nosed his wet hair and kissed the spot behind his ear. They stumbled under the hot spray of water and if Magnus thought the young man looked good before, he looked absolutely spectacular with water dripping down his body. Magnus leaned down to latch their mouths together as water rained down on him and tried not to let his fear ruin them. He was never going to get what he was afraid to have.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"You look like hell," Ragnor greeted Magnus as he stalked into the salon with a flurry of snow. It was only late November and already they were getting pounded by the white powder this season. Thanksgiving was this week and was generally one of the busier weeks for the salon. The place was bustling with life and activity with people rushing around and chatter filling every spare moment. Magnus spared smiles at those he made eye contact with as he shooed a younger employee from the front desk and sat to check his agenda for the day.

"I look fabulous I'll have you know. I do look in a mirror before coming to work." Magnus snapped back as he opened his file and prayed it was going to be a relatively easy day. He nearly groaned out loud when he saw he had clients today. He couldn't even pass this one off to someone else because it was Clary Morganstern, and he had been doing her hair for as long as he'd known Alec. She would never trust anyone else with her hair.

"You have a rough day already?" Catarina asked as she leaned next to Ragnor on the counter surrounding the front desk. "Well I have bad news for you. The order is going to be late from Jersey and we have two call-ins so far."

"Are you serious?" Magnus moaned as he flipped through papers to find his order copy and snatch up the pad by the phone with his messages. "What the hell did they call in for?"

"I don't really get personal with it." Cat replied as she shrugged. "The one is with me in nails and she didn't have any appointments. The other guy is the one you want to fire anyways. The nail tech claimed she had stomach flue and the other I couldn't really make out. He was probably hungover as hell."

"We can't be turning away customers because I'm fucking understaffed." Magnus ranted as he crumpled up the messages and tossed them in the trash. "We're barely above water as it is. These people moan about their hours and then they decide to call in! I am making a new policy today stating that anyone who calls in more than twice every three months is on probation. We need people who can actually be here."

"Alright, come with me," Ragnor said firmly as he grabbed Magnus's arm and dragged him from behind the desk. "We are taking a cigarette break right now."

"It's cold Ragnor, and I have a million things to do before Clary comes in." Magnus protested even as he was shoved through the back door and out into the cold. He shivered and wrapped his arms around himself tightly as Ragnor lit up next to him. "I don't even smoke Ragnor, and now I will smell disgusting."

"What is going on?" Ragnor asked seriously as he gazed at him. "You are tense and snapping at everybody. Did something happen after we left last night?"

"No, well kind of, I don't want to talk about it." Magnus ran a hand through his hair and tried to figure out where else he could order from until they could get their proper order. If this was the way thing were going to be all winter, it was going to be a long one.

"Stop thinking about work for a minute," Ragnor instructed curtly. It was scary how well Ragnor knew him most of the time. They had been friends so long they could almost read each others thoughts "You can't be here all day in a pissy mood and then go home that way. Alec needs us to be supportive and lay the hell off right now. He's coming in here in about three hours for a hair cut."

"That's today?" Magnus asked realizing his day was even more stressful than he thought. "Does he even know about it? I'd forgotten."

"Cat confirmed all appointments yesterday." Ragnor took a long drag from his cigarette before continuing. "You're doing this again then. I agreed with Catarina when she kept saying it was because of Alec. Now that it is Alec, I'm having my doubts that Alec was ever the reason you kept running away and sabotaging your own relationships."

"I'm not doing anything." Magnus protested. "I have a lot going on right now and needed today to be a simple day. Turns out that isn't the way things are going to go."

"You just complained that Alec was coming in," Ragnor pointed out. "That has never happened. Normally that puts you in a good mood when nothing else does."

"Things with Alec are complicated right now." Magnus closed his eyes as this morning came back to him. The words rattling around that Alec had kept a whole side of him secret. He wasn't enough for Alec to be happy, and he never had been. Alec was a pain junkie, and how the hell was he supposed to deal with that? Did he ignore it? Did he wait until it got bad again? Could he even handle it getting bad again? Was this going to be their entire life together?

"Talk to me," Ragnor said quietly when Magnus had been quiet for a few moments too long. "Tell me what's happening. Don't push Alec away like you do every single relationship you have ever had. You don't want this one to break apart. You can't push and pull with Alec, it won't work. You get scared when things get intimate and you run."

"I'm not going to hurt Alec, okay?" Magnus snapped.

"I'm worried about you." Ragnor moved to stand in front of Magnus as he put his cigarette but out on the ground by stepping on it. "You are my best friend and you have your heart invested in this.. I've seen you break your own heart a dozen times and I don't want it to happen again."

"He hurts himself." Magnus said in a voice that barely carried over the breeze. "Alec hurts himself and he has for years. He has since that first time I caught him and he never told me. I don't know how to deal with it as a guardian or a boyfriend. I don't know how to make him stop, or if he can stop."

"Magnus, oh god," Ragnor said softly as he bowed his head. "How did none of us know?"

"What if he goes too far?" Magnus asked the question that had been haunting him for three days, and worse than ever last night as he held Alec in his arms. "This stuff is dangerous. It's like a drug. It's addictive and the high gets to be not enough sometimes. What if Alec cuts too deep on accident?"

"I don't know. I'm sure it's not as bad as all that."

"He stayed in an abusive relationship for months because of this! His abusive relationship was how he fed this thing! This boy he was with has him a complete mess in so many ways and it got to basically rape before Alec ended things!" Magnus found himself shaking as his thoughts ran through his head and became a jumbled mess. He remembered the bruises on Alec's skin the night of their first kiss. He could feel the way the younger man trembled in his arms as he pressed their lips together softly. He had been scared of a kiss, scared of what such a sweet act meant. Alec had told him that it was his own fault he was in such a bind, and Magnus had been so sure that couldn't possibly be the case. He was so sure of Alec's innocence and his blamelessness that he never saw that Alec was the one who needed to feel the sting with the pleasure. Then again, it had been abusive and Alec hadn't asked for it. Magnus knew by the nightmares and the way his hands trembled that he hadn't asked for it. He knew there was a difference between rough sex and what Alec had gone through.

God, this was so confusing.

"I can't do this Ragnor," Magnus croaked. "I can't fall in love with him and watch him destroy himself. We are never going to work. I feel like we're playing house and picking one another because it's safe. I can't handle this kind of relationship."

"No," Ragnor said firmly as he took Magnus firmly by the shoulder. His thin fingers dug into his shoulders and grounded Magnus's whirling thoughts. "It's going to be hard, that's it. You can do this, but it's going to need some hard work put into it. You love that boy more than anyone, and he loves you. You're in this Magnus, for real this time. " There was a long pause before his best friend spoke again. "Do you know how Alec looks when he looks at you now?"

"Probably like I'm nuts because that's how I feel these days." Magnus muttered.

"Yesterday you punched Will in defense of Alec and the kid was a little shaken by that. He wanted to stay away from you, but he couldn't. He cared more about your pain than his fear. He cared more about your bruised knuckles than anything that was going on in that room. I know you're afraid for him, but he can overcome it. The only time Raphael and I got him to look like his old self was when we got him to talk about you. It may take time, and some real work between you two, but it will happen. You need to have some faith in him Mags. I had some doubts yesterday, but the more I think about it the more I realize this was the way things are supposed to be. I can't even imagine someone better for you or someone who would care more."

"You think this is fate?" Magnus asked, shocked. Ragnor was a very practical person who didn't really see the abstract picture. He didn't believe in love at first sight, or that people were tied by fate. His best friend tended to believe what was in front of him and nothing more.

"I think this is something special." Ragnor shrugged. "I think it's worth putting everything you got into it."

"Hey, Morganstern is here," The two men jumped as Cat poked her head out. Her white hair matched the snow as she looked between the two of them. "Is everything okay?"

"Magnus and Alec are in love," Ragnor said flippantly as he tugged his coat more firmly around himself. "That happened."

"What?" Cat blinked a few times and Magnus felt his face getting warm. "You two worked things out, you're together?"

"Alexander is my boyfriend, yes." Magnus felt a sudden rush at the words being said aloud. "We just wanted some time before we told people."

"If you're happy, then I'm happy for you." Catarina said simply with a small smile. Magnus grinned back at her as Ragnor clapped him on the shoulder before going inside This day seemed a lot more manageable than it originally seemed.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Magnus felt marginally better after gulping down half a cup of coffee and his talk with his best friend. Nobody quite put things into perspective the way Ragnor Fell did, and he was grateful every single time. Then there was the fact that Alec was going to be here soon, and Ragnor was right to point out that always made any day so much better. Alec was his boyfriend, and his two best friends finally knew. However complicated their relationship was, he still looked forwards to seeing the younger man each and every time.

He strolled out to greet Clary and stopped dead just before opening his mouth to greet her. She had a pair of buds in her ears and looked morose as she gazed out the window at the glistening snow. Magnus hadn't seen her much since October, before everything had happened with the accident. Her last appointment she had been glowing with happiness. She had gone on about her plans for senior year and this great boyfriend she had. Today couldn't be more of the opposite story.

Some people thought it weird to have a close relationship with your hairdresser, but Magnus could argue that point. He had been there for Clary through a lot. He had been there right before her first day at middle school, wanting a new haircut for her new school. He had done her hair before each and every formal dance for school. He had dyed her hair on demand when she wanted a change, or to help her mend after a bad parting with a boy. He had squeezed her in the morning she came in distraught because she had let a friend try to cut her hair and it had ended in disaster. The Moragnsterns got him a Christmas gift each year, normally a gift card to some popular place in the city. He knew Clary and Jonathan well after so many years of seeing them regularly each month or so. His regular customers meant a lot to him, and he liked to think he knew them pretty well.

That was why it was very evident that Clary was not all right. Her skin had a pasty quality to it and she looked like she had been crying a lot lately. She was also quiet, something he could honestly say that never happened. She usually was always chatting to Cat, Ragnor, or some other customer. She was vivacious, bright, and too friendly for her own good. The sight sitting before him was the complete opposite.

"Hey, biscuit." He smiled at her as she started to awareness and seemed to finally focus on her surroundings. "You ready to be made even more gorgeous?"

"Sorry, I completely zoned out." Clary apologized as she took out the headphones and shoved them in the bag at her feet. "How are you, Magnus?"

"Oh, alright enough." Magnus replied as he took her bag from her gently and hung it next to his station "Just getting ready for the holidays. Busy time all around. How about you? How is senior year?"

"It's good,"Clary said quietly while avoiding his gaze in the mirror. Magnus ran his hands through her hair to loosen it around her shoulders and tried to resist the urge to push what was wrong. Under the glaring light it was evident she hadn't been sleeping well lately as he could easily recognize the bags under her eyes.

"So, what are we doing today? Just a trim?" Clary seemed to be avoiding her own reflection as she kept her eyes averted from the mirror. She shifted slightly before meeting his gaze in the mirror at last.

"I wondered if you could change it actually." She fingered the locks that came down to her elbows as it cascaded over her shoulder. "I was thinking something shorter and a little more spunky. Maybe dying the underneath black? I just need a new look."

"Ah, I understand that." Magnus thoughtfully kept running his hands over her hair as he tried to get an image in his head of what would suit her heart-shaped face and bright green eyes. "Any reason for this? You don't do change on a whim, unless being a senior has changed the Clary I know and love?"

"Would you laugh at me if I said it was for a jackass boy? He's ruining my life and it needs to stop. I just need a way to show him I'm not the door mat he evidently thinks I am."

"Well, I really shouldn't encourage you making decisions based on a boy, but then again just ask Ragnor about the time I went blonde over an ex-girlfriend years ago."

"Blonde?" Clary asked, fighting a smile.

"It certainly wasn't my best idea as you could imagine. I looked awful and it wasn't worth it." He felt a smile grow on his face as he played with the ends of her hair. "However, unlike me you will look pretty bad-ass with what I have in mind for you."

"Thank you," An honest smile finally broke over her face and it made him feel just a margin better. Clary didn't deserve to be upset by any stupid guy.

"Let me go mix the color and I'll be back." It took him only minutes to mix the requested color and when he came back Clary was texting with a deep frown over her face as she stared at the tiny screen. He plucked the device out her hands and set it face down on the table.

"Why don't you talk to me instead of that idiot who is making you look like that?" Magnus asked as he wheeled over a table to set the dye on and pulled on his gloves. "We'll color first, then wash, and then give you a fabulous new cut. Sound good?"

"Yeah, that's great," Clary said with anger lacing her words from the message she had read moments ago. She glared at the phone with her arms folded. "Why are boys such idiots?"

"People, biscuit, people are idiots. I've had my fair share of stupid girlfriends and boyfriends let me tell you. I have to defend the male species if only a little." He pinned her top layer out of the way gently and divided the bottom into sections. "You want to talk about it or should I distract you with stories of my week? I'm sure I have a few good ones to tell you."

"I can't date an alcoholic." Clary said finally after a few minutes of silence. Magnus stilled momentarily, shocked that that was the issue she was dealing with. Wasn't she too young to be dealing with that kind of stuff?

"You have an older man Clarissa?" He asked while raising his eyebrows at her. She giggled shortly before the sadness returned to her delicate features.

"No, he's just a moron." She was quiet for a while until Magnus was done folding her bottom layer in strips of foil and tossed the gloves into the trash. He knew they had a half hour to wait so he plopped down in the chair next to her and simply looked at her for a minute.

She glanced at him as if to make sure it was still okay for her to tell him. He nodded encouragingly as he held out a hand. He found it was reassuring for most people to be touching when talking about difficult things. Clary may not be related to him, but he felt like an uncle to her after all this time. She reached out to loosely take his hand and seemed to gain some kind of strength from it. "Okay so I met him when school started and he was great. He was funny, charming, and wonderful. He was smart and so different from the rest of the Idris boys I'd met before. We started dating in October and we slept together." Her voice softened and she glanced at him again. Magnus felt his heart clench as he realized this was going nowhere good. It reminded him of Ale, and he really hoped Clary found someone much better to move on with. "Things were manageable until his dad died. Then everything fell completely apart. He'd come over already wasted out of his mind or he'd call me for a ride home again and again. I finally had to tell him enough was enough. I love him, and I may always love him, but I couldn't be with someone like that."

"Well, it sounds to me like you did absolutely the right thing," Magnus assured her. His stomach was knotting up as the timeline matched up with one he knew all too well. He prayed this wasn't the random girlfriend Alec had mentioned Jace having. That would be an odd turn of events, and he honestly had no idea whose side to take at this moment.

"Yeah, well, the bitch is that I miss him." Clary's voice became tight with unshed tears. "He keeps texting me saying he's stopped drinking and that he misses me. I don't know if I can trust him or if I should. He's hurt me enough, and while I let him go once I don't know if I could do it again." She had started to cry and Magnus quickly stood to move towards her and fold her in his arms. She rested her head against his stomach and sniffled until she calmed again.

"Clary, your first love is always going to be with you. You'll never forget him. He will always mean something special to you. That doesn't mean that he hasn't made very terrible mistakes, or that you should take him back. I'm just telling you that feeling this way isn't crazy." He brushed a hand over the top of her hair softly. "I trust you, and I know you will make the right decision. You're a smart girl who should never settle for an idiot guy." He paused and asked the question he knew he shouldn't if he wanted any sort of peace of mind. He knew by now it was mostly better not to know in most situations. "What was his name?"

"His name is Jace," Clary said softly. "Jace Herondale" She took a shuddering breath and somehow Magnus knew she was about to say something that would change everything. "I think I need to call him back. I-I'm pregnant Magnus. I'm almost two months now. I haven't told anyone yet. I went to a clinic and they told me. I d-don' t know what to do. My father will be so furious with me. You've met him, and you know how he gets. "

"Oh biscuit," Magnus whispered as he closed his eyes in horror. This was a nightmare for her. On the one hand he hardly wanted this secret on his shoulders, and yet at the same time he was touched she chose to trust him.

"I know how stupid I am." Clary said miserably. "It's just when he would come over drunk we didn't always use protection. He just wouldn't bother with it. He was demanding, and it was easier to just let him do it his way. I want to tell him, but at the same time I don't know if he could handle it. I care about him and I don't want him to start drinking again. Everything is a disaster and I don't know what to do. What if my parents throw me out? What if he doesn't want anything to do with me or the baby? I found out after we broke up and I've wanted to call him so many times."

"Okay, Clary, just breathe." Magnus crouched down to take both her hands in his as her breathing quickened and the tears increased in number. He had no idea what to tell this poor girl, but he had to say something. "Let's take this one step at a time. You have to tell Jace because he needs to know. What he does with it isn't on you, but it is on you to tell him. You could write him a letter, or a text, or agree to meet him in person. It's up to you how to do it. I would tell your parents soon. I can't say I know how they would react, but I do know you need to find out either way." Magnus took a deep brath and went out on a limb. He hoped Alec would be okay if the time came. "I have an extra bedroom at my place and it has your name on it if you need it."

"Oh my God, thank you!" Clary breathed in gratitude. "I hope I won't need it. I think I'll meet up with him tonight. It's nearly December and it's time I told him. We've been broken up a month, and it's time we sort this out."

"I'm here for you, biscuit," Magnus told her earnestly as he looked up into her green eyes. He wasn't sure how he kept taking in broken people he had no idea how to put together again, but he wouldn't change it for the world. "You can call me anytime. A privilege I only give to my boyfriend." He kissed her cheek softly as he moved to check on her hair. He rubbed her shoulders softly. "Why don't we go give you a fantastic hairstyle to make this day a bit better?"

"Yes, let's," Clary agreed as she stood. She surprised him by hugging him tightly around the waist. He put his arms around her in return and suddenly noticed how tall she'd gotten. When she had been a little girl she used to throw herself into his arms after every cut, saying she loved it more than the last. She had been so small back then, and now she was a woman with a life as complicated as his own.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Alec walked along the streets of Brooklyn and remembered just why winter was so utterly miserable. It didn't help that he had forgotten gloves at home so even through his pockets the wind nipped at his fingers. He hadn't wanted to wear a coat either because of the long sleeves, but knew that was downright stupid in this weather. His wrists itched and stung even now a few days after the fact. It was like a reminder of the idiotic thing he had done and everything that was to follow. Magnus was freaking out, he could tell that much. He had never seen the older man so quiet or unsure. He probably could have come up with a gentler way to tell him the truth, but he was so tired of treating himself like a dirty little secret. He didn't love the fact that he used pain to deal with things, but it was the way things were. He could only try now to fight like hell every day to keep the demons away that plagued his mind.

He was relieved to see the Alicante sign blowing in the wind and could hardly wait for the feeling to come back to his cheeks and fingers. Though he had to admit he was slightly nervous as well. Today was a big day in an odd kind of way. Today they were officially a couple. Magnus had told him before he left that now that Ragnor knew the truth he'd have to tell Catarina too. Alec didn't really mind all that much. He was only worried about how they would act towards him. Will had already warned him not to hurt Magnus,and he wasn't nearly as close to the older man as the two who worked with him. The three of them had been a trio for ages now and Alec was now nearly a fourth wheel. He was just crossing through the parking lot when he heard a voice that made his insides freeze, though this time it had nothing to do with the cold.

"Well, hello lover," The voice purred in his ear. Alec found himself unable to move, or hardly breathe at all. He hadn't heard that voice in weeks now and he was unprepared for how he would feel. He should have known that even leaving Idris wouldn't guarantee he would never see the blonde again. His heart had an odd rhythm of pounding for a few moments before seeming to stop completely. "It's been awhile since we've seen each other."

"Jonathan," The name felt like broken glass sliding over his tongue. This boy was the reason he couldn't let Magnus touch him without a few minutes to catch his breath. He had flinched more than once in his boyfriend's presence involuntarily because Jonathan had once handled him too roughly. He had once thought that the pain mixed with pleasure was good, but now he realized that it had been unbalanced. The pain had been too much and the pleasure too far between.

"Have you missed me?" He felt a hand on his hip, a very familiar hand that had made bruises appear on his hips too many times to count. It was when lips were brushing his neck that he finally got some of his sense back and stepped away. He was surprised his knees didn't give out completely the way his knees wobbled.

"I have a boyfriend." Alec told him firmly with his hands clenched, no longer feeling the cold around them. There was a flash of surprise in Jonathan's dark eyes before he tilted his head to the side like a curious cat. Alec knew better than that. He knew Jonathan was more of a panther. He was silent, deadly, apparently innocent until he was ready to strike.

"Is that right?" Jonathan asked softly. "You think that will make me back off? Do you really think I'll be put off by some stupid guy you convinced that you were worth their time? Does he fuck you the way I do? Does he make you come completely undone the way I do? Does he listen when you beg them to go harder?"

"Shut the hell up," Alec said, though his voice shook enough for the other to notice.

"You think that you don't still belong to me?" Jonathan grabbed his wrist and Alec cried out at the sudden pain as he stumbled into Jonathan's arms involuntarily. His grip was tight and Alec had forgotten how much it terrified him. He tried to twist away, but the motion only brought more pain. "You will always be mine Alexander. You will always want me, no matter whose bitch you currently are. They will never know how to satisfy you the way I do." He gave his wrist an extra squeeze and Alec flinched in pain. The manic grin on the blonde's face told him that he had discovered his dirty little secret. "You never did this when you were with me, did you?"

"I'm not yours," Alec said desperately, trying to make his mind fight against the seductive voice that had pulled him in too many times. "I'm not yours!"

"I suggest you get your hand off of him if you like it attached to your body," A voice said coldly. Alec found himself flung away from Jonathan so roughly he nearly fell on the ice under the thin layer of snow coating the walkway. Magnus wore a dark look as he glared at Jonathan like he wanted nothing more than to rip his head clean off. Just behind him Ragnor stood looking equally as furious with Clary behind the both of them. Alec really hadn't wanted an audience for this and he felt tears building that he definitely didn't want falling in front of Jonathan.

"Magnus, how wonderful to see you again." His voice was pleasant now with none of the biting tone it had held moments before. Alec bit his lip and closed his eyes while telling himself that he wasn't crazy. Jonathan really was twisted and vile. He wasn't the persona he put out to the rest of the world. "I was just coming inside to schedule my next appointment with you when I picked up Clary."

"Oh, I don't think you'll ever have another appointment here," Ragnor snapped. Alec brought his hand up to run it over his face and saw the blood pooling around his wrist. The scabs must have broken open again with the tight grip Jonathan had had on him and the twisting he had tried to do to get away. He quickly pulled his sleeve over it and tried to stop his body from shaking so much.

"Jon," Clary said slowly as she walked around the two taller men to stand between Jonathan and Alec. "Jon, what is going on? Why did you grab Alec like that?"

"Alec was just over reacting. He was going to hit me and I had to grab his arm to stop him. It's nothing more than an ex-lover's spat."

"I'm not some teenager Moraganstern," Magnus said fiercely as he cornered the blonde against the side of the building. "You can't fabricate lies in front of me. I know exactly what's been going on between the two of you. Let me tell you that the only reason I'm not pressing charges against you is because Alec insisted. Why don't you tell your sister just what you like to do to your little play things?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Jonathan's voice was flat while what Alec could see of his eyes over Magnus's shoulder glinted menacingly. "Alec and I used to date and when I broke it off he didn't take it all that well. I guess there's a few things your new boyfriend hasn't gotten around to telling you. Everything we did was completely consensual. Maybe you just didn't know your new boyfriend was a complete whore."

"Magnus don't!" Alec felt himself shout even as he heard the crunch of Magnus's fist sinking into Jonathan's face. Clary screamed and held her hands over her mouth for a moment before taking a step forwards to try and separate them. Alec found that he couldn't move one way or the other. He certainly didn't really want to stop Magnus since he felt some grim satisfaction of hearing Jonathan in pain. Then again he knew that what Magnus was doing would make nothing better and that he was only breaking several knuckles in the process most likely.

"Magnus, cut it out! Get the hell off of him!" Ragnos barked as he strode forwards to help Clary separate the two of them. Magnus hadn't stopped his assault and Jonathan's nose was bleeding and he had at least one black eye. The two barely managed to get Magnus off when Jonathan lunged and tackled Magnus to the ground.

"Jon, stop it!" Clary screamed at him. "What the hell are you thinking?!"

"Get off him!" Alec was suddenly unfrozen and able to move faster than anyone in landing a solid kick to Jonathan's ribs. It took a few more well aimed kicks to get Jon off of Magnus and then Alec found himself unable to stop because it felt so good. It felt good to vent some of the anger and frustration he felt every single time he made Magnus stop what they were doing. He vented out the fear he had of dreams when he was held down and forced to do unspeakable things. Each kick felt like a bar of the cage his heart felt to be in was being ripped away one by one.

"Alright, Alec enough." Ragnor said firmly in his ear as he grabbed him around the waist. "Blue, listen to me."

"No," Alec found himself struggling to hurt Jonathan a fraction of the amount the older man had torn him to pieces. "It's not enough. It will never be enough."

"C'mon, inside right now," Ragnor steered him inside firmly with a hand on each shoulder. Magnus had gotten himself to his feet with a groan as he rubbed his nose which wasn't broken, but it would certainly be turning black and blue by the next day. His uncle took him to the break room with Magnus following closely behind.

"Alec, take some deep breaths, okay?" Ragnor instructed quietly. Alec's head was spinning in a million different directions Seeing Jonathan again had felt like the moment you took off in a rollercoaster going zero to sixty in under ten seconds. You always felt like you left your stomach back at the station. He wasn't sure if he wanted to keep hitting things or give into the tears that had been threatening to fall for the last little while now. He hated the fact that part of him missed Jonathan in a way that couldn't be normal. There was nothing really to even miss about him. They hadn't spent any domestic time together the way he did with Magnus. They had watched a movie or two together and shared a few meals before they had started sleeping together. Jonathan was selfish, mean, and most of all a tad cruel. He only cared about himself and his own satisfaction. Alec certainly didn't belong to him, and he never would. He didn't want to belong to that blonde, arrogant bastard. He already belonged to someone heart and soul, and he had a feeling he always had.

"Magnus," Alec's voice cracked as he looked to where the two men were talking. Ragnor cradled Magnus's hand in his, inspecting the further damage he had caused to it. At his voice Magnus's head snapped up and green eyes met blue. The same way Jonathan's eyes made him feel completely dead inside, those green eyes made his whole being come alive. He felt a fire start in his heart and he never wanted it to go out. This was real, what the two of them had. "Mags."

"Darling, are you alright?" Magnus asked softly as he moved around Ragnor to stand in front of where Alec had sank down onto one of the hard plastic chairs. Alec looked up at him and tried to offer as much of a smile as he could muster at that moment. "Alexander, I'm so sorry you had to run into him. I would have told you to come in a bit later if I had realized he was going to be here for Clary. He didn't drop her off so I didn't think-"

"I'm yours," Alec said in a voice barely above a whisper. "I don't want to be his. I only ever want to be yours."

"Oh sweet pea," Magnus seemed speechless before Ragnor spoke up to break the moment.

"Blue–"

"Ragnor," Magnus cut in. "Give us a minute, will you? Maybe get some ice for my hand?"

"I'll be right back then." Ragnor said while looking between the two of them with something in his eyes that Alec couldn't read. His heart was calming down slowly as the adrenaline was wearing off and the tears were pressing more insistently at the back of his eyes. He hadn't ever wanted to see that man again.. He had never wanted to feel those hands on him, grabbing and insistent, to pull him in and keep him captive all over again. He never again wanted to be in those arms and feel that power Jonathan seemed to have.

"Alec, talk to me." Magnus said quietly. He had said that so many times this year, and for once Alec was going to listen. He had made a promise and he was going to try and keep it the best he could.

"He used to say it when he fucked me," Alec finally said as he tried to gather his thoughts together a little. He swallowed the lump in his throat and begged his mind to stay in the present and not send him images of the past. It was hard enough saying it without having to relive it at the same time. "He used to whisper it as he hurt me. His hands would hold down my shoulders and he'd kiss my tears away as he said that I belonged to him. I-I can't help the way I feel when he says that. I used to think it was a good thing and now I just think it's the most horrible sentence he could ever say. He told me I would always own me no matter who I was with and that I would always w-want him." He lost the fight with his tears as they fell down his cheeks in rivers. "I swear it's not true. I swear to you that you're the only one I want. I want to be yours, Magnus. I want to only ever be yours and I don't want to belong to anyone else. I-I don't want him to ever touch me again. I hate it when he touches me now. He hurt me. He hurt me and I didn't like it! I didn't like it!" Alec's voice had risen to a shout without him realizing it.

"I know, my darling , I know." Magnus said to him as he gathered him in his arms. Alec felt as if his knees might give out at any moment as silent sobs shook him from the inside out. The longer he was away from Jonathan the more he was realizing just how much he hated him. Now that the pain and fear wasn't routine any longer the more it became clear how wrong it was. "No one is ever going to hurt you like that again. I'm going to be here, and I will make sure he doesn't touch you again."

"I hate him," Alec sobbed softly. "I hate him so much. Please tell me I'm yours."

"I would be honored to call you mine, Alexander Lightwood." Magnus pulled him into his lap as he took the seat Alec had previously occupied a moment ago. It was a tight fit and Magnus must have been uncomfortable, but yet again Magnus only held him until the tears stopped and he felt okay again.

"I'm so sorry I keep turning things into a disaster." Alec mumbled softly as he shifted to be able to wipe his face with the sleeve of his coat. "One day we're going to be together and happy without everything being ruined all the time."

"You got assaulted in the parking lot today." Magnus said with a kiss pressed to his neck. "Please don't be apologizing to me." Alec relaxed into his boyfriend and felt his mind calm again It was crazy the way all he needed sometimes was Magnus and his mind calmed and he felt like he could make it through the next thing.

"Thank you." Alec shifted to he could nuzzle Magnus's neck gently as he pressed a gentle kiss behind the older man's ear. "You always make things okay again."

"You do the same for me, love." Magnus said before capturing his lips in a gentle kiss. "I am yours just as much as you are mine."

"I like that," Alec said as he turned the words over in his mind. "I like the sound of that a lot."

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Jace sighed as he looked into empty cupboards and really wished he had his license. He could have picked up something or gone to the store to buy anything to make, but he had gotten his license taken and it was too cold to walk anywhere just then. He reached up for the jar of peanut butter and contemplated eating only that for dinner when the doorbell rang. He had a far-fetched hope that maybe his father had remembered that they had no food and had ordered him a nice, hot pizza to eat for dinner. His father wasn't working quite as much as he used to, but it was a close call. He still put in more hours than Jace was used to and Jace missed him. He was never before the needy boy who needed his daddies home to spend time with him, but now that he only had one father he was learning not to take this one for granted as much. He just wanted Will here instead of at work all the time. He wanted Will around to keep the sadness away. The crushing brick that liked to sit on his chest when he lay on the couch reading in the same position Jem liked to fall asleep in time and again. The brick loved to hit him in the stomach when there were appointments on the calendar made out in Jem's handwriting staring him in the face.

To add salt to the wound Christmas was less than a month away with December first looming and Jace didn't want to think about the holidays without his family together. He was slowly realizing that this was never going to truly get easier. He was just going to have to live with the pain.

The doorbell rang once more through the house and Jace picked up the pace to get to the door. He was praying for pizza, but honestly had no idea what to expect. He did, however, know exactly the last thing he was expecting and that was the young woman standing on his doorstep with snow in her hair and her eyes a bit red as if she'd been crying. She still looked beautiful with the soft streetlight playing over her delicate features. As Jace stared at her the longing he had felt from time to time late at night seemed to increase tenfold to make him choke on all the words he should say.

"Hello Jace," Clary said quietly Her voice was soft and gentle, a beautiful melody Jace had been trying to find for weeks. She was the song he had been constantly looking for as he flipped through one after another.

"Clary, I can't believe you're here." The wind picked up and he finally registered it was below freezing outside and she was probably frozen out there. "Come in, did you walk here?"

"I had a fight with Jonathan," Clary answered as she gave him a small smile stepping over the threshold. "Did you know he was the one dating Alec?"

"What?" Jace felt his stomach bottom out as his hand lingered on the doorknob. Jonathan and Alec? Jon was the one that treated him so awful? He didn't know the details of what had happened between them and when he questioned his best friend all Alec would say is that it had been one of his worst nightmares come to life. That was enough for Jace to piece together that Jonathan had been pretty horrific as a lover. "No, I didn't know that. How did you find out? Alec never talks about it."

"There was this huge fight at the salon." Clary shook her head making flecks of water drop onto the wood floor from the snow melting in her hair. "Magnus beat the shit out of him, and then Jon tried to return the favor before Alec kicked him until he could hardly move. I'm pretty sure my brother has a few broken ribs, but by the look on Alec's face I'm not so sure he didn't completely deserve it."

"You've had a hell of a day." He took her coat for her and hung it on the hook by the door. Her perfume hit him in a rush and he had to close his eyes for a long moment just to savor it. The more he had thought about her over the last few weeks the more sure he was that she was something he would never find again no matter how hard he looked. "I can offer you some hot chocolate?"

"That sounds perfect right now." Clary smiled at him and Jace felt like his stomach had disappeared completely. He ran a hand through his hair and forced himself to move to the kitchen and get two mugs from the top shelf. He filled the kettle and turned it on before turning to see her sitting at the table. He pinched the inside of his wrist as hard as he could and by the shock of pain he knew he wasn't dreaming.

"I can't believe you're here.." Jace found himself saying again like a broken record as he leaned against the counter.

"I should have called." Clary said as she played with the hem of her shirt. "Or at least texted you back. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize to me." Jace said fiercely. "You don't ever have to apologize to me. I don't remember a whole lot of the end of our relationship and that right there tells me I was probably close to the worst boyfriend ever."

"Your dad died, Jace." Clary said with feeling as he green eyes expressed how much she understood. "I should have given you a bit more time. After I heard about that crash I - " She swallowed hard. "If something had happened to you and it'd been my fault I don't know what I would have done."

"That would have never been your fault." Jace clenched his hands around the edge of the counter to keep himself from going to comfort her. "I was the idiot that was driving intoxicated."

"I guess," Clary shrugged while still gazing at her knees. The kettle whistled and Jace moved to pour the water into their mugs. He was grateful for something to do other than itch to hold her again. Their relationship may have been brief, but it was the most intense thing Jace had ever felt.

"Marshmallows?" Jace asked as he held up a bag of mini marshmallows in his hand.

"Do you really have to ask?" Clary asked with a light laugh. "I will always want marshmallows."

"Do you remember that awful hot chocolate at that place we stopped at on our third date?" He set the mugs down in front of them heaping with marshmallows pouring out the sides and tumbling onto the table.

"Yes, I didn't even know it was possible to ruin hot chocolate!" Clary said emphatically as she licked a marshmallow off the top. "Then we got that waiter-"

"Yes, yes!" Jace found himself grinning as he set his mug down after his first long sip of the sweet drink. "He was the mots horrible person."

"He actually said gingers had no soul, like out loud." Clary giggled as she took her own long sip. "Then you loudly said that if he decided to say that again you'd kick his ass."

"Did he actually throw us out?" Jace was fighting a laugh as he gazed at her. Her hair was shorter now, and had a hint of black to it. It was different, and he loved it.

"His father ended up being the owner, so he did." They both started laughing at the memory. He had missed their friendship, and the way they never stopped talking. He missed the way she found him funny instead of obnoxious. He missed her laugh and her smile.

God, he just missed her.

"I still care about you." Clary voiced the thought that had been playing through his head since he had opened the door. Jace felt his heart stop and wouldn't dare to think she had actually spoken. Maybe it was him that had spoken without realizing. She could never still find him desirable after all he had put her through, could she? "I care so much and I can't stop."

"Clary..." Jace trailed off, not knowing how to respond. His brain seemed to be short circuiting leaving him unable to form the words he had been longing to say.

"Before you say it back and we kiss and everything," Clary took her gaze back tot he tabletop in front of her and seemed to fold in on herself as her shoulders slumped. She brought a foot up to rest on the edge of the chair and wrapped her arms around her knee. "I need to tell you something."

"Did you sleep with someone else?" Jace asked, thinking he knew what was wrong. This happened all the time in movies. A couple broke up and then wanted to get back together but one of them had slept with someone. "Clary, I don't care. I know I get jealous over just about everything, but we were broken up. I'm just glad you're here."

"Jace, I'm pregnant." She was looking at him with tears running over her pale cheeks speckled with freckles. Her words seemed to process slowly as if they were trickling water slowly flowing into his brain for understanding. She was pregnant. She was having a kid, presumably his kid since she was telling him. They had been apart six weeks, and now she was pregnant. She was having a child that would need a life. A child who would need love and attention from them. They were eighteen, and not ready to be parents. He was forcibly reminded of his mother, the woman who had given him to her brother to raise and care for. Jace had no siblings to give this child to, and what did that mean? Did they get rid of it like a dirty mistake? Did they keep it and struggle along? Did they give it to complete strangers and leave it wondering where it came from?

He thought of Alec, and all he had been through with his own parents. He had been through hell as long as Jace had ever known him to find who he was and if blood mattered. He thought of the night when they were twelve and Alec had finally opened up to him about his past. Alec had told him the horror stories of foster care and all he had been through. Did he want this child to grow up like that? Then again, would this child be better off stuck with them? "Oh god Jace, you're crying."

"Sorry, sorry," Jace said as he forcibly dried the few tears that had appeared on his cheeks. He cleared his mind of the million questions and only focused on her. She was all that mattered, and from now on she was all that could ever matter. "When did you find out?"

"I went to a clinic a week ago." She reached across the table with her hand palm up. He didn't think before taking it and lacing their fingers together. She was shaking as badly as he was and her face was pale making her freckles stand out forcibly. He remembered the night he tried to count them, but he'd gotten distracted fairly quickly. Would their baby have freckles? Would the baby have his golden eyes or her green? Maybe it'd settle for hazel in the end. "Tell me what you're thinking."

"I don't know what to think." Jace summarized instead of going into detail about the million things running through his head. He felt like sobbing as he wished for Jem more than ever. His father would have been calm about this and helped him figure it out. He would have reassured him that whatever he wanted was possible. Will was sure only to yell at him and tell him what an idiot he was. He would remind him of all the reasons why he couldn't have a kid and how he was just like his mother. Will wouldn't find this a time for comfort, only a time for condemnation and planning. Jace couldn't plan, not yet. Now he just wanted a minute to freak out and for that to be okay. "What do you want to do?"

"I-I don't know." Clary confessed. "I haven't told anyone yet. Actually , I take that back. I did tell my hairdresser."

"You do know your hairdresser and my father are very good friends, right?" Jace asked as he cursed silently. "I'm only remotely grateful they aren't on speaking terms right now."

"I'm going to be the size of a house. We can't keep it a secret." She said finally. " I just don't know how to tell my family. My father will throw me out and Jonathan will probably try to kill you. I don't know what my mom will say. It isn't even born yet and already there are people who don't want it." Her voice was choked at the end and Jace couldn't handle seeing her cry when he had so many emotions already coursing through him.

"I want it." Jace knew that no matter how uncertain he was about the how, he was sure about the wanting. "We can't give it up. We just can't."

"Abortion is out of the question." Clary's voice was stable and sure now as she looked intently at him. "I'm not killing our baby. I couldn't live with that."

"You're eighteen, right?" Jace asked, he couldn't even think of when her birthday was right then.

"Yeah, we both are." She confirmed. He squeezed her hand tightly.

"Then nobody can make you do anything." He assured her. She started to cry softly and Jace wanted to kill himself for doing this to her, doing this to them. He knew how this had happened. He used to sleep with her intoxicated all the time after Jem had gotten worse. Sex and alcohol were the only two things that made any of it easier. Well now everything was a million times harder. "Clary, it's going to be okay."

"How can you say that?" He pulled her up as their drinks were forgotten between them. She fit into his arms as easily as he remembered as he tucked her head under his chin and held her close. She shook in his arms and he didn't know how to help when he had already ruined so much. "We don't know what we're doing. We aren't even together right now. I feel like we're completely alone in this and I don't know if we can handle that. We have no money, and no jobs. We have nowhere to raise a family right now. How can a baby be okay with parents who don't even know how to love each other?"

"We will learn to love each other," Jace told her as he kissed the top of her head. "You are so easy to love, believe me."

"You still want me? You want this?" Clary asked as she looked up at him with her face awash with tears and her face splotchy. She was an ugly crier truth be told, but Jace couldn't see anything past her green eyes.

"Without a doubt," He leaned down and pressed their lips together. She reacted instantly and it was like the last few months had never happened as her arms were around his neck. Her lips were still as soft as he remembered. They moved in sync with her mouth opening under his without even being asked. He felt their connection rocket through him down to his toes.

"I should get going," Clary said sadly as they parted slowly. "My parents have no idea where I went. I left Jonathan's car at a red light and walked straight here."

"I wish you could stay," Jace found himself saying as he rubbed her back gently, unwilling to let her go just yet. If she was here he could focus on her instead of how he felt.

"We will talk," Clary said with a small kiss. "I promise you we will. I'm so glad we're okay."

"I am too," Jace told her as he led her to the door. He wished he could drive her home in this weather, but yet another thing he would never get back. He was unbelievably grateful it seemed as if he could get her back at all. "Can I take you out for dinner?"

"Presuming my dad doesn't kill me, yes." She said with a sigh as she fastened her coat up and wound her scarf around her neck. Jace had her hat in his hands and was playing with it.

"Don't tell him tonight. Let me be there with you." He didn't think of what that would mean before he said it. In fact, he never even met her father before.

"He'll murder you, seriously. It's better if I tell him." She told him firmly as she pulled on her gloves.

"He'll yell at you." Jace said miserably. "He'll yell at you for what I did."

"It takes two to tango," She quipped with a half-hearted smile. He returned it automatically as he placed the hat snugly over her new cut.

"I love your hair. I don't think I told you." He leaned into her slim hand as she rested it on his cheek.

"It's a sign of a new start. For everyone." She kissed his other cheek and put her hand on the knob. "I'll be okay. I'll call you tonight."

"If he makes you cry I'm coming to get you." Jace said fiercely. She laughed and nodded.

"I believe you. Goodbye Jace."

"I'll see you for dinner tomorrow." He returned, never wanting to say goodbye again. She slipped out the door into the night and he leaned against the door as it closed behind her. The tears that had threatened to fall their entire conversation finally flowed out to spill onto the hardwood floor beneath his feet as he leaned his head on his arm. This couldn't be happening on top of everything this year. He just wanted some time to get used to the way things were before they changed again. He wasn't ready for a baby. He had told her it was going to be okay, but how could it be? He didn't lover her, not yet. Their past was complicated and how was he to know what love even meant? He knew his parents were in love, beyond comprehension but he had no idea how he had gotten there. They weren't out of school and he had no big plans for the future yet. She wanted to go to art school. He thought of a million different things, but all of them required years of planning and hard work. They could never both fulfill their dreams with a baby in the middle. He had never even held a baby before in his life. He had no siblings and no cousins around.

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out to see who was calling. It wasn't Clary or his father, instead it was Magnus. He contemplated ignoring it, but what if something had happened to Alec? By the way this year was going the hits were never going to stop coming.

"Hello?" Jace didn't bother hiding the fact that he was crying. Magnus knew what was going on, and he just couldn't bring himself to care.

"Hey kiddo, are you okay?" The voice was all wrong, but it was exactly the kind of thing Jem would have said if he had been here. It made him cry even harder at the thought. He wanted Jem so badly it hurt like he had died all over again in that moment.

"No," Jace told him honestly. "I don't know how to make this okay."

"You can't," Magnus sighed over the line. "This is big Jace, and you might not be able to make this okay right away. So you and Clary talked?"

"As much as we can." Jace sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "We're barely okay as it is. I think she's only here because she's pregnant. I don't know if she even wants me."

"No, Jace," Magnus assured him. "I know her pretty well and I know she missed you. You made a mistake, and this time you get to be forgiven."

"I want my dad, Magnus." Jace told him, needing to tell someone what he truly wanted and needed. He knew that his meaning was clear. "I want him to be here. He could have made this feel okay. I need him." His throat closed over so much he couldn't speak any longer so he settled for biting his lip and trying not to sob like a five year old over the phone.

"I know you do." Magnus said in sympathy. "I'm so sorry you can't have him. I just wanted to see if there was anything I could do. Is Will home?"

"N-no, he's at work." Jace knew he had to hang up before he humiliated himself any further. "Don't tell him, okay? I need to get my head straight before I tell him."

"I won't." Magnus promised. "I'm here if you want to talk, okay? I'm not Jem and I know that but I care about you and Clary a lot. Try and see this as a tiny bit of a good thing. Becoming a father is going to be remarkable. I'm going to offer you your first congratulations."

"Probably our only congratulations as well," Jace muttered. He sighed and found the strength to get back on his feet. "Thanks for calling, it really helped."

"Anytime,"He could tell Magnus had a smile. "Get some sleep tonight, okay?"

"I will, or at least I'll try." Jace hung up the phone and calmly went to lay on his bed. He stared at the ceiling and tried like hell to do what Magnus had said. He tried to see this as a little bit of a good thing instead of the disaster it seemed to be. It didn't make anything go away, but it did help.


	15. Chapter 15

"Oh the weather outside is frightful!" Loud singing woke Alec far too early on a Wednesday morning not too long after the disaster at Alicante. Alec sighed and buried himself further under the blankets and tried to ignore the loudly singing man coming up the stairs. "But the fire is so delightful!"

"No, blankets are delightful," Alec muttered to himself. "Blankets and sleeping are fucking delightful. Singing at ungodly hours is not."

"But as long as you love me so," Magnus sang more quietly as he climbed on top of Alec on the bed and nuzzled his way to reach Alec's neck with his lips. Alec tried to stay grumpy but failed when Magnus pressed kisses all over his head and neck and he giggled. "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!"

"Is it seriously snowing again?" Alec asked as he sat up while gently pushing Magnus off of him. "How long have you been up? More importantly, how much coffee have you had?"

"Do you even know what today is?" Magnus asked with a grin as he pulled Alec into his chest from where he had sat up on his knees to look out the window at the snow that was falling over Brooklyn like a blanket.

"Obviously I've missed something." Alec said as he leaned down to kiss Magnus properly. He tangled his fingers in Magnus's soft hair that didn't have product in it yet. Magnus leaned back into the pillows and brought the younger boy with him to lay between his legs.

"It's December first!" Magnus went back to work on his neck as everything started to make sense. Christmas was Magnus's favorite holiday and they started celebrating the moment December hit for twenty-five straight days. Alec had never loved any holiday before meeting Magnus. They did every corny tradition you could think of. They loved to decorate the tree, bake cookies, sing carols, and buy presents. Alec pretended to groan about it, but secretly he loved it as much as Magnus did. It made Christmas magical in a way that nothing else seemed to.

"I can't believe I didn't notice." Alec leaned his neck to the side and hummed in pleasure as Magnus sucked on his pulse point. Living with your boyfriend was definitely the most convenient thing in the universe Alec decided. He could be with, hold, and kiss Magnus whenever he wanted.

"Staying home has made you miss everything." Magnus agreed. "I have a peppermint mocha waiting for you downstairs and the tree with decorations has been scattered around the living room."

"You are the Christmas fairy," Alec told him as he was dragged off the bed.

"I hate that term so much," Magnus muttered. Alec tugged on his hand to make him stop for a minute while he dug out a sweater. He had a black one in hand that was promptly snatched from him and tossed back in the closet. Magnus opened the doors more fully and stretched up to grab a box off the top shelf in their closet.

"No, Magnus c'mon. It's too early for that." Alec started backing away from his boyfriend at the sight of the box he hated. The box held the dozens of Christmas sweaters they had gathered over the years. All of them were horrible and ghastly in the way only Christmas sweaters were. Every year they went shopping for new ones at various thrift stores while the older ones they donated to homeless shelters around the city.

"If you insist on always covering every inch of your beautiful skin you will at least do it in holiday style." Magnus said firmly as he plopped the box on the bed. "Besides we have to decide which ones we're donating this year."

"The one with the blinking lights for sure," Alec said firmly as he went over to dig through. "Also the itchy one with that horrific reindeer."

"That one is adorable." Magnus dug to the bottom until he found his favorite sweater he almost never took off during the holiday season. It was a soft red sweater with a tree on it. It was definitely the comfiest one they had and Alec never got to wear it.

"It's itchy which is why you never wear it." Alec dug through with vigor, trying to find one he didn't hate. "Where is the snowman one? I actually kind of like that one."

"Ha! So you admit to liking them!" Magnus crowed excitedly as he continued sifting through the pile. "You should wear this one, for me?" This sweater was red once again with a picture of mistletoe on it that read 'Kiss me under the mistletoe' with an arrow pointing lower. Alec blushed and tossed it in the donation pile.

"You're hilarious, really." Alec finally found his favorite sweater of a snowman and pulled it on. It smelled a bit musty from the closet, but he loved how soft it was and how big.

"You like it when I kiss under your mistletoe." Magnus wagged his eyebrows suggestively as the pile of sweaters was abandoned on the bed. Alec led the way downstairs with a blush across his cheeks, picking his way through the scattered decorations to reach the kitchen. He snagged up his waiting coffee and sighed in appreciation. "So, should I call Will and Jace? I think the old man is off today."

"Are you two even speaking?" Alec asked. "The last time the two of you were in the same room you decked him."

"That's the beauty of good friends, sometimes it's better to just ignore things." At Alec's disapproving look Magnus sighed. "Okay, well we've been texting a bit lately. I did apologize though."

"Well, so long as we can have a relaxing day you can call them. Then again, nothing about Jace is very relaxing come to think of it." Alec ended up following Magnus into the living room. The lights were already on the tree and twinkling at them dimly in the sunlit room. Alec settled into a corner of the couch comfortably. "Okay, and where are we starting this year? Or do you want to wait for them? They aren't having their own tree this year?"

"Will isn't up for that I don't think." Magnus explained simply as he sat next to Alec with a box in his lap. The box was plain, white,and small, but the way Magnus was biting his lip made Alec wonder just what was in the box after all. "Before we call them I bought you something, well I bought us something. I know we aren't all that conventional and we haven't even gone on a proper date but I saw this and had to get it. I care for you so much, Alexander."

"What is it?" Alec was curious as he gently took the box from Magnus's hands. He opened it slowly and dug through tissue to find the ornament inside. It was a glass heart with Christmas trees in the corners. In the middle it read 'Our First Christmas' with M&A underneath. It was beautiful, and it may have not been their first Christmas period, but it was certainly more intimate now that they were together. Alec was speechless as he cradled it between his palms. This, right here, was beautiful and told him that Magnus wasn't going anywhere, even with his crazy. Magnus was here to stay, and that meant more than he could ever express.

"Alec, say something," Magnus pleaded. He had his hands twisted together on his lap nervously. "Is it too much? Is it weird because this isn't our first Christmas, but it is in so many ways?"

"It's perfect," Alec whispered. He wrapped a hand around the back of Magnus's neck and pulled him into a kiss. It was sweet, both of them tasting peppermint, and the ornament was gently set aside so Alec could climb on top of his boyfriend greedily. Their bodies molded together naturally as they laid on the couch surrounded by the life they had made. Alec remembered the first Christmas he had spent in the loft buying every single ornament around them now. They had gone shopping for hours to find decorations they both liked and their tree. The first year they had taken hours figuring out how to put up a tree. Alec sitting on the couch sipping hot chocolate with a cold and instructing his guardian what to do. Magnus getting frustrated and eventually abandoning it for awhile in favor of a dance party.

Alec owed everything to the man underneath of him.

"I love you," Alec said, resting their foreheads together. "I love you so much."

"I – " Magnus started before Alec cut him off with a finger to his lips gently.

"I mean it," Alec's heart was pounding against his chest, but he was pretty sure he had gotten this right. He was sure Magnus felt the same. He couldn't be feeling this much alone. "I'm in love with you Magnus. The real, storybook kind of love. Every good memory I have is with you, and every good memory I want to have I want you in it. I'm probably supposed to say this on some really romantic date or something, but I'm saying it now because I feel it. I feel it so much I feel like it's going to consume me completely."

"Oh Alec," Magnus was crying a bit as he looked up at the beautiful boy above him. He wasn't without doubts, no one could say he was, but what mattered most is that Alec was worth facing all of them. "I'm so in love with you. I don't know what I would do without you. We are going to make this our best Christmas yet."

"It's already looking that way," They shared another long, lingering kiss before looking over their disaster of a living room. "We really need to get decorating if we ever want to leave this room."

"Then sweater shopping?" Magnus sat up while still holding Alec close to him. Alec sighed in defeat.

"Okay, then we sort out our sweaters and go find new ones for you to torture me with." He stood carefully and pulled Magnus up with him. "First, we need to hang our ornament."

"Absolutely." Magnus gently picked it up from the coffee table and picked his way to the tree. Alec felt his smile growing once more as he placed his hand over Magnus's and they carefully hung their ornament right in front for all to see.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

The first few weeks of December passed in a flurry of shopping and finishing assignments. Alec had put off too many assignments for way too long so he was found in the middle of December stuck to one spot at their kitchen table trying to finish the loads of work he had left while being wrapped in a blanket despite wearing one of the Christmas sweaters. This one technically belonged to Magnus, but Alec loved to wear it because it smelled like him. He hadn't seen his boyfriend much over the last few days, and while that shouldn't have been anything significant Alec had to admit that he missed him. He knew the holidays swamped Alicante with business, but it'd be nice for Magnus to be home to enjoy the season a bit more. Christmas was ten days away and they hadn't even made a single cookie yet.

The cookies were the best part if you asked Alec.

The rest of the apartment was appropriately decorated with stockings hanging from the stair railing and mistletoe in every doorway available. Santas were around the apartment here and there, only the quirkiest models for the two of them. The Santas were another product of their thrift store adventures. Their tree stood tall and proud in a corner of the living room, now fully decorated with ornaments all over it. Alec still caught himself staring at their newest ornament with a silly grin on his face. Jace had teased him endlessly about it once he had seen it for himself. Will had smiled at the two of them serenely, and Alec couldn't be happier that their friends were truly happy that they were together.

The doorbell chimed through the quiet apartment, making Alec groan and slam his textbook shut. Jace was early with Clary and that meant any hopes of studying were lost until the blonde had vacated. They were never good study buddies in close proximity. They hardly got anything done over the phone either, but that was besides the point. The point was that this assignment had to be done whether Alec liked it or not. Alec only hoped that it would get a decent grade on it. He pressed submit as the round of knocking started up before darting to the door quickly.

"You," Alec began as he swung the door open, fully prepared to lecture Jace on the inadequate etiquette of showing up an hour early with no hint or notice. His words died on his lips as he saw that it was someone entirely different to who he expected. His sister's tall frame stood in his doorway, legs clad in designer boots and her upper half wrapped in a ruby red coat with a white scarf wrapped around her neck to keep her warm. She looked like a model from a winter magazine and the boy by her side looked like the opposite with black curls wind-tossed and nothing about him remotely matching. Alec could relate much more closely to his brother than his sister. "You are not Jace."

"Is blondie coming over? With Clary?" She paused for a moment and looked as if she might change her mind and leave before she lifted her chin slightly and forged ahead with her intentions. "Do you mind if we crash your party? Mom and Dad are enacting world war three just now. We need a hideout." Isabelle's tone was light and calm but the glances she kept giving Alec told him that the situation at home wasn't suitable for a nine year old boy.

"If you don't mind making cookies, you're welcome to stay. You will have to put up with Simon. Clary wanted him to come, and so did I. Magnus will be home any time now with the baking stuff. It's going to be a crowded apartment here shortly."

"We're making cookies?" The little boy's eyes lit up with excitement. "Like really making them from scratch? With a mixer and cookie cutters and stuff? We never get to do that at home."

"Around here we do every tradition." Alec gave his little brother a wry smile and brushed a few curls out of his face. Max seemed delighted with the affectionate attention and Alec's suspicions were confirmed that the Lightwood house wasn't an overly affectionate one. Alec could well remember being nine and finding Magnus for the first time. He remembered the way he craved affection like the air he needed to breathe. It had been such a relief to him that Magnus was more than willing to offer touch and comfort whenever he wanted it.

"Simon is coming?" Izzy sighed and drifted over to their tree to gaze at the assortment of ornaments. Alec sighed and waited for her to see their newest ornament at the front of the tree. Max had found one of his books he had lying around and buried his nose in it. The familiar ache filled him with the realization that Max was so much like himself and how he had missed so much.

"Yes, the same Simon that you were crazy about a few months ago. The Simon that you should talk to and give a chance to make you happy. Do you realize he never actually did anything wrong?" Alec reached out to tuck a piece of hair behind his sister's ear as he gently reminded her of what she could, and should, find in Simon Lewis.

"Do you realize that I'm not talking about this? I don't believe in any sort of fairytale ending, especially not for Lewis and I. I'm happy you're with Magnus, truly. You can't expect that kind of ending for everybody." Izzy's fingers lightly brushed the glass heart that donned the front and center place on their tree. She bit her lip as something passed over her face that Alec couldn't quite read. "This is gorgeous, Alec."

"Thank you," Alec smiled fondly as he thought of the morning Magnus gave it to him. "It was a sweet gesture. I really wonder how I even deserve someone like him."

"You do?" Izzy looked at him for a long moment. She folded her arms tightly across her chest and bit her lip gently. Alec huffed softly as he remembered just the night before when he thought twenty minutes before freely cuddling up to his own boyfriend when Magnus was busy reading. He had no idea where the lines were now with Magnus as his boyfriend as to when he was his guardian. Was Magnus still his guardian? Was he on his own? If they broke up would he be out on his ass with no idea what to do? Would Magnus ever really hate him that much? How could Izzy possibly think they were at their happy ending when Alec had no idea if he could make something this wonderful work until next month, let alone the rest of their lives.

"Of course," Alec sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets as he watched Max try to coax Chairman from under the couch. He had darted under there when they had gotten company. The only people Chairman liked besides Alec and Magnus was the Herondales. Anyone else didn't have much of a chance for the cat's affection. "Magnus and I are so far from our happily ever after. I have this habit of messing up good things, and Magnus is the best that's ever happened to me. We have a lot to get through before I can say we're a permanent thing. I never believed in happy endings either. I used to think that I wasn't worthy of being happy. One foster mother I had used to tell me that only good children got to keep their parents. She made me believe I had done something wrong and that I was being punished for something. I thought I'd never get to be happy the way other kids were until I met Magnus. He made me believe in magic and fairytales, in happiness and love, and in so many other things. I know how you feel, really. I know you feel like being happy isn't something that you can have, but I'm telling you it only takes one person. It only takes one person to show you that anyone is capable and deserving of being happy. I can't tell you if Simon is your one person, but all I'm saying is that he might be. Just try being his friend for now. Maybe that's all you can do right now. He's coming over tonight and just try talking to him."

"Fine, I'll talk to him. I doubt he'll talk to the bitch who left him out of nowhere. I didn't treat him very well." Alec could vividly recall the phone calls that Simon had gone on and on about Izzy and how none of it made sense. He had tried to come off as angry, but Alec could tell he was more crazy about her than anything.

"You have a heart of gold, it repels the anger." Alec grinned at her as she laughed and hugged him.

"Someone's here!" Max announced a moment before headlights flooded the living room shining in the front window. Alec tried not to move too eagerly to the door, hoping it was Magnus. Even now that they were dating he couldn't get enough of the older man.

"You would pick the coldest night of the year to drag me over here for cookies." Jace grumbled as he opened the door for Clary. He deliberately cut in front of Simon who glared at the blonde before coming in as well. The entryway was a shuffle of coat hanging and toeing boots off before they were free to move again. Simon saw Isabelle and Alec had deja vu to the first day he had met the both of them. Simon was staring as Isabelle as if she was the most ethereal goddess he could imagine, only this time instead of ignoring Simon Isabelle gratified him with a beautiful smile.

Alec thought there may just be hope for them yet.

"You love cookies, and without you we wouldn't have many edible ones to have. You are the only one that knows how to make them properly." Alec greeted Jace with a brief hug as he took some supplies out of his hands. Jace had brought over rolling pins, cookie cutters, and the baking sheets. Magnus was out getting all the ingredients they would need.

"Are you a secret chef?" Clary teased as she followed them The three of them left Simon and Isabelle talking together quietly by the tree and made their way to the kitchen.

"I can feed you cookies? That's about the only decent thing I can make," Jace offered, causing Clary to giggle. Alec had no idea what had happened between the two of them, but they seemed to have solved whatever had torn them apart months ago. His best friend seemed to be happy, which was quite the change from the last six months or more. He looked tired of course, as neither Jace or Will was sleeping regularly just yet, but Clary brought out his smile again that had been missing for a long time.

"Are we starting?" Max had abandoned his effort of seeing the cat for now and popped up at Alec's elbow. He was a picture of enthusiasm, bouncing lightly on his toes.

"We have to wait for the ingredients first," Alec told him with a smile. "He'll be here-"

"Honey, I'm home!" The call rang through the house and made Alec grin. He hurried past their guests to greet Magnus at the door. He took the parcels out of his hands and pulled him into a enthusiastic kiss. Magnus stood frozen for a moment before finally reciprocating. He wrapped Alec in his arms and pulled him closer so that they were flush against one another. The world seemed to disappear except for the two of them. They broke apart breathless as identical smiles spread across their faces.

"I missed you," Alec whispered softly as he kissed Magnus's chin. "That sounds so stupid to say, but it's true."

"It's been a long few days." Magnus pecked him on the lips before taking up his bags again and heading towards the kitchen. "Who has the black car?"

"Oh Izzy and Max needed someplace to escape to. I told them they could stay. That's okay, isn't it?"Alec nearly ran into Magnus as the other man stopped dead in the doorway. He was smiling, but his eyes were distant as they focused on the smaller boy dodging around the counters trying to see what they had spread out.

"He looks just like you," Magnus whispered.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Magnus sighed and ran a hand over his face in exhaustion. He wasn't used to being on the go this much. Normally he'd put in eight hours at the salon and then come home to collapse on the couch and relax the rest of the day. Now, however, he had a kid running around his apartment that required his constant love and affection. Not to mention he was so sensitive that any slight indication of reluctance was picked up on and heavily felt. Magnus knew Alec had had it rough for the last nine years and he honestly wanted to help. He was just so tired that it was getting hard to keep up.

"Feeling old yet?" Will Herondale teased as they climbed out of the car hauling bags of groceries inside the apartment. "Now you know why you first thought I was twice the age I am. Kids age you way too quickly."

"I can't believe you talked me into all of this." Magnus moaned. "I have no idea how to make stupid cookies. I normally just buy them from the store."

"Alec is the one that talked you into all this. Where is your munchkin anyways?" Will slammed the trunk of the car shut as the last haul was in his hands. The two of them trudged inside and shed all their winter attire. It was the coldest winter New York had had in years with three snow days in a row for the kids still in school. The wind chill was far too cold for any of the kids to be outside. At least that's what the weather report told him. Magnus had no idea about any of that stuff.

"I guess he's sleeping, or at least that's what the sitter said before she took off. I'm not sure I like her." Magnus set his load of bags down at last and gazed around at the loads of food he was meant to put away. He really just wanted a nap of his own.

"I told you Jem would watch him. We could keep him at the music shop with Jace. That kid always finds something to do no matter where he's at. Plus the two of them are already friends. I never trust teenagers, but that's likely only because I know what I was like when I was one and I would never have trusted myself to be responsible for the welfare of children."

"I just feel bad asking Jem all the time. At least Alec knows this girl now. He's awful with strangers let me tell you." Magnus could remember how long it took for him to leave the first day he had to hire a sitter for Alec. The poor boy thought he was leaving him with a social worker and that he wasn't coming back. It had taken hours for Magnus to leave, and he hadn't been gone more than a few hours before a small voice called his cell phone to see when he was coming back.

"Invite us over more and we won't be strangers." Will insisted as he started sorting out the groceries into two groups. One was to be put away and the other larger pile was for making cookies. Magnus had had no idea a person would need so much for making some simple cookies.

"You're here today, aren't you? When are the rest of you Herondales coming over?" Will grinned at him as he comfortably grabbed a beer from the fridge and settled down at the table. Magnus liked Will, and honestly owed what little sanity he had to him. Magnus had met Will the very first day he had taken Alec to his new school by his apartment. The little boy hadn't wanted to go at all. He hated new people and was on the verge of a temper-tantrum that Magnus had absolutely no idea how to deal with and he was already late to work as it was. Will had brought Jace over to introduce the two, both of them kind, friendly, and saving Magnus's life. Alec had taken to Jace immediately and soon enough he was running inside after the blonde child. Since that moment Will Herondale had been in their lives and they both loved it.

"Jem should be here with Jace in half an hour if his text is reliable." Will said as he peered at his phone. He was quickly typing a reply when Magnus heard tiny feet coming down the stairs. He turned to see a very sleepy Alec standing at the bottom of the stairs. His shirt was rumpled and his hair a complete mess as he tried to hide a yawn. Alec had been here two months now, and it'd been such a difference. At first Alec was afraid to move or disrupt anything in the house. He never used to make noise hardly unless it was to ask a quiet, timid question. He seemed more wary of Magnus after coming to live with him than he was their first time meeting. Over the last few months Alec was becoming more comfortable and Magnus was falling a little more in love with the boy day by day.

"M'nus? You home?" Alec mumbled as he walked clumsily forwards, still half-asleep. The nights hadn't been the best so far. The little boy had nightmares a few times a week or he was scared of the dark once in awhile. Magnus had taken to leaving the bathroom light on, but at times Alec still couldn't sleep no matter what he did. Last night had been a bad one and Magnus was glad Alec finally fell asleep.

"I'm home darling, sleep well?" Magnus held open his arms so Alec could gratefully step into them and snuggle into his chest. Alec was never the one to initiate hugs, but he was always happy to accept them. Magnus had never met anyone as starved for simple affection as Alec. He loved to be touched and held whenever Magnus had the opportunity, which he did often.

"I didn't have any dreams," Alec mumbled into his shoulder, the relief in his voice tangible. "Not even one."

"I told you they'd go away." Magnus rubbed his back as he started carrying him towards the kitchen. "Are you hungry? I bought some of those gummy fruit snacks you told me you liked."

"Who's that?" Alec whispered, his whole body tense as Will started talking on the phone, presumably to Jem judging by his light tone and ringing laugh. Alec began to squirm out of his arms, but Magnus held him close. "What's going on?"

"His name is Will. He's Jace's dad. They're coming over to make cookies with us. We talked about it last night, remember Alec?" He felt the boy in his arms still, though he was still tense."Alec, baby, it's okay I promise. Will is very nice and he's very excited to meet you. Jace has told him all about you. Do you want to meet him?"

"Can I stay with you?" Alec whispered, terrified of the reply. Magnus rubbed his back soothingly and squeezed him tightly briefly.

"I won't let go, I promise." Magnus carried Alec into the kitchen just as Will hung up the phone.

"So Jace knocked over one of the displays in the store, as I could have told you would happen sooner or later. Anyways, they're running a bit late. My husband is a saint." Will's tone softened as he spotted just who Magnus was carrying. "Well, hello there Alec. Jace has told me an awful lot about you. He told me you two play every day at recess together." Will smiled as Alec nodded against Magnus's shoulder. His blue eyes were wide and calculating. Magnus had no idea what he could be thinking. The house was silent for a moment before Alec spoke quietly.

"I heard you yelling at Jace once. Jace didn't like that at all. I don't like people who yell. They're mean and awful." Alec buried his face in Magnus's chest after his outburst. Magnus rolled his eyes heavenward and turned to apologize to Will, but he was surprised to find Will still grinning and on the verge of laughing.

"So, I guess my son has been telling you horror stories about me? Jace is an awfully good story teller, isn't he Alec?" One blue eye poked out to peer at Will curiously. Alec nodded but remained silent as he curled a hand in Magnus's shirt. Magnus sat down heavily in one of the chairs, his back unable to take any more strain after eight hours of work already that morning. "Well, you can decide if Jace was making things up or not. I don't yell very often. I only yell when Jace is doing silly things that nearly gets him hurt. I don't like seeing Jace hurt, do you?" Once more Alec was silent as he shook his head.

"It'll take time," Magnus whispered over his head as he stroked the soft, black hair softly.

"I have no doubt it'll be worth the wait," Will patiently insisted as he carried on a one-sided conversation with a nine year old. Magnus had a feeling he had found something special with Alec in his life. He knew this was the start of so many pleasant years ahead. He knew Will must be right, it was all going to be worth the wait.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

"Do you have the cookie stuff?" Max asked as he peered into the bags Magnus was carrying. It seemed with Alec's seal of approval his shy behavior had disappeared completely. Magnus laughed as he set the bags down on the countertop with a nearly imperceptible sigh of relief.

"Have at it kids, papa Magnus is exhausted." Magnus collapsed into a chair at the table and gestured the rest of them to attack the parcels at their leisure. Alec only had a moment of hesitation before climbing into Magnus's lap as his friends were quickly distracted dividing out the ingredients. He buried his face in the crook of Magnus's neck and pressed soft kisses there.

"Are you going to be on my team?" Alec asked softly. Magnus rucked up Alec's sweater to rub his back gently. "This is turning into a bit of a triple date thing."

"You do realize your sister isn't actually dating Simon?" Magnus murmured in return as his muscles relaxed. Alec grinned against him as he nipped his collarbone gently before straightening up.

"If you don't be on my cookie making team, then they never will be. One of them will inevitably be on my team and then they will never actually speak to each other." Alec pouted slightly as met Magnus's eyes. " No one resists the call of Christmas cookies. Plus, we literally have mistletoe in every doorway."

"What have I done to you?" Magnus shook his head as he let Alec pull him to his feet. Isabelle was watching them with a mix of wistfulness and suspicion in her brown eyes.

"Alright, who's doing what? Are you guys ever going to stop being sickening long enough to get this show on the road?" Jace demanded as he glared at the hosts of the cookie making event.

"Jealous much?" Alec teased as he looked over what they had laid out. His blue eyes lit up seeing the chocolate chips and peanut butter, two ingredients for his favorite cookies. "Fine, Magnus and I get to make the peanut butter ones."

"Are you sure about that choice?" Jace asked him as he held the bag of chocolate chips behind his back. "You want to put your favorite cookies in the hands of the pair of people who managed to burn pasta of all things?"

"It was one time Herondale," Magnus snapped, having heard the conversation. He quickly snatched the bag from Jace's hand and let Alec get the rest of the ingredients.

"It isn't just me then," Isabelle said, mostly to herself but Alec managed to hear her and let out a loud laugh. Jace and Clary teamed up to make sugar cookies together which left Simon and Isabelle awkwardly looking at each other and trying to deny the inevitable.

"I wanna be on a team!" Max whined as he looked between them all and quickly realizing he was about to be left out. Before Isabelle could open her mouth to reluctantly say he could be on her team, Alec moved aside and gestured for Max to stand in the middle of the two of them.

"We need all the help we can get Max, even after all this time Magnus and I are still pretty bad at making cookies." Alec ruffled Max's hair softly before they got to work reading the directions and figuring out where to start.

The kitchen was pretty quiet for a little while as the three pairings went to work making their respective cookies. Alec and Magnus were nearly finished with their batter when Jace yelled in alarm. They turned to see the blonde covered in flour and a giggling Clary backing away slowly. Jace made to retaliate but missed and hit Isabelle instead of his girlfriend. Her dark jeans were now covered with white as were the tips of her long, black hair.

"Herondale!" Isabelle yelled as she froze in place momentarily. She fixed her glare on Jace and Alec didn't envy him one bit. Her glare was fierce and cowering. "I wanted to just spend one day with people more mature than my brother."

"You picked the wrong crowd Izzy!" Magnus called over the melee that had erupted from the first dusting of flour. Simon had gotten himself an egg to the cheek for laughing at his partner, which had caused him to make Alec involved who had been smirking the entire time. The kitchen was quickly completely covered with flour everywhere. In the end they got the cookies made and Jace and Clary volunteered to clean up the kitchen while the rest of them went to clean up themselves and sit on the sofas.

"They're so….happy," Alec pondered as he handed Magnus a glass of spiked eggnog and settled next to him with a glass of his own. Magnus promptly took a sip of Alec's and gave him a look. Alec sent his own look back before ignoring him completely.

"Who's happy?" Magnus asked, finally giving up on communicating his slight disapproval.

"Jace and Clary," Alec took another long sip as he laid back more comfortably. "Just a week ago Jace was freaking out she wouldn't even speak to him. I think it's a bit strange."

"Thank God it isn't just me," SImon said with feeling as he finished a bite of one of their freshly baked cookies. It was the peanut butter batch and Alec hoped they weren't awful. "These aren't actually bad for two men who can't cook."

"I'm going to choose to take that as a compliment." Magnus said languidly as he raised his glass slightly. He sent another look to Alec and couldn't hold his comment in. "Why are you drinking, Alexander?"

"There isn't that much in here," Alec reassured him. "You have double the amount I do. Plus, I am staying warm and cozy right here. Wait, back to the issue-"

"Just let them be happy," Magnus soothed with a kiss to the back of Alec's neck. "They must have talked and sorted things out."

"You know something!" Alec accused as he turned to look at him, nearly spilling his drink. "I know you, and I know your tone, and I know when you know something you aren't telling me! What do you know?!"

"I never knew you two were such a couple," Simon commented as he watched them from across the room. "Not in a gross lovey way, more like the 'we've been together fifty years' kind of way."

"I"ve lived with him nine," Alec grumbled, still glaring at the older man. "I thought you told me everything."

"I tell you what is in my power to tell you." Magnus held up a hand to try and placate him. "I don't share secrets that aren't mine."

"Jace is my best friend!" Alec protested. "Whatever secret he has he'd want me to know!"

"Well, I have egg out of my hair," Isabelle announced as she came downstairs with Max trailing behind her. She had taken her younger brother upstairs to get cleaned up after their kitchen disaster they had created. "Do you know how difficult it is to get the slime of egg yolk out of hair? Magnus, you have excellent shampoo."

"I do work in a hair salon, so I would hope I can at least have decent hair products." Magnus commented, his shoulders relaxing and he offered her the plate of newly finished cookies.

"Are we going to eat all these? You'll be out before Christmas!" Izzy hesitated taking one for a moment.

"We'll buy more." Magnus waved a hand flippantly as she snatched up a cookie. Izzy took one of the ones she made with Simon as she sat next to him. Simon straightened up and immediately looked incredibly nervous. She sent him a small smile.

"We make an alright baking team, Lewis. We didn't completely destroy these." Izzy let Max curl up at her feet and ran her fingers through his curls. "So, you guys do this every year?"

"Since we met the Herondales we have," Alec said happily as he gazed at the plate of cookies. "Jem was the one who was the best at baking. WIll picked the music while the rest of us muddled our way through. Jem had enough patience to teach all of us how to make our favorites. We used it to laugh and talk about things. It's the way I first met Jem and Will. I had never met people with so much love to share before." Alec's voice grew quiet as he finished the story and hugged a pillow to his stomach. Magnus rubbed circles on his back soothingly.

"They were pretty disgusting," Jace agreed as he entered the room with Clary in tow. Their fingers were entwined as they settled on the floor in front of the tree. The lights glimmered in Clary's hair as she rested her head on Jace's shoulder.

"I'm sorry Jace," Alec immediately began to apologize while Jace looked at him like he was crazy.

"For what? Mentioning him? James Carstairs is the best man I have ever known and I will be damned if we are never going to talk about him again. He was my dad, and I miss him all the time. It's better to talk about him than to pretend as if he never existed. Jem loved Christmas a lot, and he made everyone else love it too. He wasn't as bad as Christmas Fairy over here." Jace jabbed a thumb in Magnus's direction who lobbed a pillow in his direction in retaliation. "I'm honestly so sick of WIll acting like we can never talk about him, even the good times. Jem w-was happy, and loved his family. Sorry, I - it drives me nuts."

"Well said, Herondale." Magnus nodded to Jace and raised his glass before taking a drink.

"We need holiday music!" Alec said as he went over to stereo. "We can't enjoy the cookies without getting into the spirit fully."

"Before you do that, I have something I need to tell you." Jace said. He swallowed a few times and pulled Clary closer to him. She looked nervous as well as she ran a hand over Jace's chest soothingly. "So, you guys are our family in all the ways that family matters. This is something pretty big, and we are trying our best to be as excited as we are nervous about."

"We haven't told our parents yet," Clary took over as she fidgeted with the edge of her shirt. "This is kind of our practice run for that. We really hope you guys can be happy for us, or at least as happy as we can be."

"What's going on, Clary?" Simon asked as he leaned forwards with his elbows on his knees. Isabelle raised a hand as if she wanted to lay it on his back, but thought better of it at the last minute and tucked it back on her lap. Alec couldn't hide his smirk as he noticed. Izzy stuck her tongue out in retaliation.

"I'm pregnant," Clary said in a rush, as if the words were a burden to say. "Jace and I are going to be having a baby in about seven and a half months. Right after graduation, as a matter of fact."

"Oh my God," Izzy said bluntly as her jaw dropped.

"We didn't plan this or anything. I only know that I want to keep it. I have to keep it." Clary's breathing quickened at the lack of response from the assembled group. Magnus was the first to stand and pull Clary to her feet to envelop her in a hug.

"Congrats, biscuit," Alec heard him whisper as he came to approach Jace. "If you're happy, then I'm happy for you. Proud of you." Clary hugged him tighter with a small laugh of relief.

"You're going to be a dad," Alec stated as Jace met his gaze.

"It would look like it. Will is going to kill me." Jace shook his head at the thought. Alec huffed a laugh and clapped his shoulder.

"I won't let him. You love her." Alec said it with such confidence that Jace wore a startled expression.

"How could you possibly know that? I'm not even all that positive I know that." Jace glanced over at his girlfriend who was now in SImon's arms instead of Magnus's, who had gone to turn on the music and pop some champagne they had in the top cupboard.

"You're standing with her when it'd be so much easier to walk away. You look at her the way I look at Magnus. You adore her." Alec was confident he was right and the way Jace ducked his head slightly and blushed confirmed it.

"You're under mistletoe, Izzy!" Max pointed out gleefully, clearly wondering what was going to happen now and if it'd be like the movies.

"Max," Izzy rolled her eyes. "That doesn't actually mean anything."

Alec looked at SImon as conspicuously as he could while trying to make it very obvious this was his one and only chance to kiss Isabelle and possibly make her believe in him again.

"We wouldn't want to disappoint him," SImon said as he got up from the couch and made his way over.

"I don't want you kissing me for my nine year old brother," Isabelle said firmly as she folded her arms.

"What if I kiss you because I've been thinking of it for two months now? What if I kiss you because I really, really want to?" Alec grinned to himself as Simon gently put a hand on her arm. Magnus rolled his eyes at his expression and roped him into helping him pour the glasses. Out of the corner of his eye he saw SImon take Izzy in his arms and kiss her as if it was the last time he ever would.

"All right!" Magnus announced as they finished pouring and carried the glasses between the two of them. "I'm letting you all drink champagne because a toast isn't a toast without it, and I know all of you in this room have done much worse. Sparkling cider for our mama over there of course. " He sent Clary a wink, she gave a small smile in return. Simon and Izzy joined them with identical smiles and standing much closer than they were before. "I propose a toast to Jace Herondale and Clary Morganstern! Here's to your happiness ahead! We know you both are amazing people and we love you both very much. Jace and Clary!"

"Jace and Clary," The rest of them murmured as they drank their glasses down. They spent the rest of the night laughing and dancing to music while eating as many cookies as they could. It was a beautiful night that Alec knew he would remember forever.

MBALMBALMBALMBAL

Christmas Eve dawned with a fresh layer of snow covering the ground and the sun shining brightly. It was the perfect morning, and yet Jace felt as if he'd rather there was a blizzard going on. Will was passed out on the couch after drinking a bottle of whiskey and would stay there for awhile. He hadn't slept all night, laying awake and thinking of Christmases past and the Christmases of the future. He had spent weeks preparing himself for this moment, had tried to imagine just how this morning might feel. He thought he had made himself feel all the hurt before today so that he could enjoy the holiday even with the gaping hole in his heart.

Turns out that all his imagining wasn't even close to the real thing.

He got to Alec's house on autopilot because his tired brain couldn't focus on much besides the stabbing pain he was feeling. Every moment of today hurt more than the last one. He missed the pancake breakfast Jem made every single year for the three of them today. He missed the way his dad would smile as he saw Jem at the stove. He missed the familiar touch on his shoulder and the kiss on the forehead every morning. He missed the soft tenor of Jem's voice as he sang carols to himself during the month leading up to the holiday. He may miss WIll's rich baritone even more if he was being honest.

After lying awake all night he knew where he wanted to be this morning, and he knew he couldn't go there alone.

He found the spare key Magnus and Alec kept above the door and let himself in. Their apartment was warm and radiated love and comfort. He had never expected Alec to fall in love with Magnus, but it was so good to see him so happy. Magnus brought out the kind of smile he had only seen his parents wear before. He smiled to see the presents Magnus must have shoved under the tree just before joining Alec in bed. His own house was the opposite just now, empty of any warmth or feeling. Will wasn't much in the mood to decorate for the holidays, though he had agreed to go to Magnus's tonight for dinner. They had gotten better at communicating, somewhat. Jace was free to talk whenever he wanted, but Will? Will was a closed book at all times on the subject of James Carstairs. Jem had turned into some kind of secret in their house, and Jace hated it.

He made it to their bedroom door and finally realized there was every possibility he was about to see the both of them naked. They were young, in love, and most likely being intimate more nights than not. Then again, Alec may not be ready for all that after Jonathan. His need for his best friend won over his potential embarrassment. He opened the door as quietly as he could and slipped inside. Alec was only visible by the top of his head poking out from the blankets as he laid on Magnus's chest. Magnus held him tightly and securely as he slept soundly. Jace felt awful disturbing them.

"Alec?" Jace reached out a hand to touch Alec's bare shoulder, hoping his best friend wasn't naked in his boyfriend's bed. "Alec, wake up."

"Mmpfh," Alec mumbled as he jerked sharply away from Jace's hands. Jace winced, realizing his hands must feel like ice after being out in the cold without gloves. " 'S cold"

"We have like ten blankets on," Magnus murmured with his eyes still closed, feeling Alec move beside him. "There is no way you're cold."

"I felt something," Alec mumbled again as he blinked his eyes open. He inhaled sharply as he sat up quickly upon seeing Jace standing awkwardly next to their bed. Magnus opened an eye lazily which quickly turned to both eyes at their unexpected visitor. "Jace? Are you alright?"

"Can I talk to you?" Jace jerked his head towards the door. Alec caught on and nodded quickly. Jace hastened to wait out in the hall for Alec to emerge. He heard the two of them talk for a moment in low, sleep-filled voices before Alec appeared in the hall. He had found a sweater and wore pajama pants.

"What's up?" Alec's eyes were filled with concern as he looked him over. "You look like you haven't slept at all."

"I couldn't," Jace admitted as he scratched the back of his neck. "I wondered if you would come to the cemetery with me. I just want to be close to Jem right now." He was immensely proud he got through that without his voice cracking.

"Of course," Alec didn't hesitate with his answer. He reached over to squeeze his shoulder tightly. "Go wait downstairs for me to get dressed real quick. Then we can head out."

"Thank you Alec." Jace tried to offer Alec a smile, but it didn't come out quite as he planned by the look on his best friend's face.

"Don't mention it. I'll be ready in two minutes." Jace made his way outside where the cold air helped him feel more awake and like he could hold himself together just a bit better. He had no idea how he was going to react seeing Jem's grave. He never went to the burial, too busy downing any kind of liquor he could get his hands on. He had never seen the cold, hard proof that his father was gone, forever.

"Okay, sorry, Magnus wanted to know where we were going at eight in the morning." Alec apologized as he stepped outside with a shiver.

"Is it that early? I thought it was later, sorry," Jace winced internally at the early hour. He felt awful dragging Alec from his cozy bed with his boyfriend to watch his best friend absolutely lose it in front of a slab of stone.

"No big deal, I'll have coffee later." Alec unlocked their car and climbed in. Jace hesitated, honestly hoping they could walk. Alec rolled down the window and looked at him like he was crazy. "What, you wanna walk? You do know it's freezing, right?"

"Jem used to love walks in the snow," Jace admitted to what he was truly thinking.

"Right," Alec shut the engine off and shoved his hands in his pockets as he came to stand beside him. "Walking it is."

"I'm sorry," Jace apologized again. "I had a rough night. Will came home and drank until he passed out because of the holiday today. I just couldn't shut my mind off last night. I kept thinking about what Jem would think of me, of all this. I'm having a baby and I won't ever be able to tell him. I don't even know him well enough to know what he'd say. I feel like I wasted so much time being a stupid teenager, and not nearly enough time getting to know him."

"Today is going to be one of the hardest days," Alec agreed, reaching to take Jace's hand in his his silently. Jace was grateful for the support as they walked the nearly empty streets to the cemetary seven blocks away. "I thought last night of the way he used to tuck us in at night when we were young and I'd sleep over. He'd kiss us both on the cheek and tell us to get some sleep. It was the way he said it so sternly but with that smile that meant he knew we weren't about to get any sleep. He always made me feel comfortable from the first time I met him."

"Can you believe you used to actually be afraid of him?" Jace said with a small smile. "Jem is the least scariest person I've ever known."

"Or when he used to drag you over to play duets on the piano?" Alec shivered a little as his eyes got a nostalgic glint. "I miss hearing you guys play."

"Yeah, and I used to get so annoyed with him even if I really didn't mind all that much in the end." Jace fell silent after that as they trekked the rest of the way. Alec had to lead the way once they got there, the only one of them actually knowing where Jem was buried.

The air was still and peaceful as they stepped between the gravestones. Flowers decorated ones here and there, and a few even held wreaths. The snow looked beautiful with a fresh blanket covering the branches. This place seemed like somewhere you could find real peace. They stopped in front of the stone with his name engraved on it, followed by a quote Will had thought of, 'If there is another life after this one, then let me meet you in it' followed by his birth and death dates which were far too close together. "What do I say?"

"You just talk," Alec explained gently. "I've been to Magnus's mother's grave a time or two and he just acts like she's in front of him." Alec knelt down in the snow and pulled Jace down next to him. "Hi Jem, it's Alec. Today is Christmas Eve, and it's a beautiful one. Nothing like the blizzard we had last year. Remember how the power went out and we sat in the dark half the night? You were so worried we'd never get to actually eat dinner after all your hard work. This year should go much better, though you'll be ashamed that we are ordering in rather than actually cooking. Sorry about that." Alec took a deep breath and Jace saw him glance his way. It felt like he couldn't breathe let alone speak. It was the strangest feeling since Jem was so often the only person he ever could talk to. "Do you want me to give you a minute?"

"Yeah," Jace said hoarsely, unable to stop staring at the image that didn't seem quite real. "Just, don't go too far okay?"

"You got it," Alec squeezed his hand once more before going off a few feet to sit quietly on a bench.

"Jem," Jace tested out the word after months of not saying his name. "Dad, Happy Christmas. It's not real yet, the fact that you're gone. It just feels like you're on some really long trip. Will hasn't cleaned out your stuff yet so it still feels like you're going to be coming home any day now. It's been two months, and it doesn't hurt any less yet. I keep waiting for it to get better, but no luck yet." Jace felt the tears gathering behind his eyes yet again and felt that this place was one where he could let them fall. "I met a girl Dad, an amazing girl. I was stupid not to bring her over before. It was casual I guess for a while before I finally got smart enough to realize I was crazy about her. You'll never get to meet her, but I-I know you'd like her."

"So I have to tell you something," Jace sniffed hard and tried to imagine Jem's kind, grey eyes in front of him instead of the grey stone. "I don't know if you'd be mad, or happy, or maybe both? I knew you for nearly eighteen years and I still don't know what you would say. I don't know you at all. I want to though, and maybe Will can tell me all the things I never asked one day. Anyways, I'm having a kid with the girl I'm completely crazy about. She's strong, brave, and so beautiful. No, I haven't told Dad yet, mostly because I'm afraid he might kill me. You aren't here to stop him anymore." Jace let out a soft sob as the words kept echoing around his head. You're not here. "I have no idea what we're going to do yet. Clary has some money her parents have given her and I guess we have to find jobs. I've been thinking of taking over the shop. It's your shop and it should stay in Herondale hands. I love that store and they still haven't really found another owner to take it over. I guess I need to tell Will that too. I need you to tell me how to talk to him. He's such a closed book and I don't know how to talk to him. You were the only one that could keep him calm, and more importantly keep him happy. He hasn't smiled the way he used to smile at you every morning since we left the hospital. Since the last time he saw you I guess."

Jace gave into the sobs that wanted to crash over him for a few moments before he made himself finish what he had to say. "I hope you're happy where you are Dad, I really do. I also really hope Will is right and that we'll see you again someday. We miss you, so much. I miss you every single morning when I wake up and you aren't in the kitchen. I miss you every night when it's me that has to go around locking the doors and turning off lights because you aren't here to do it anymore. I don't know how to stop missing you this much, or if I ever will." Jace took a shaking breath and knew it was time he stopped making Alec suffer in this frigid cold and went home. He just had to say one last thing, an apology. "Before I go back with Alec, I have to tell you how sorry I am. You were sick and I wasn't there. I was so busy being an idiot ignoring everything that was happening. I should have been with you more often at the end. I should have been there and I wasn't. After all the days you spent taking care of me and my messes I wasn't there when you needed me. I'm so sorry Jem, so fucking sorry. I hope you can hear me somehow and that you know that I loved you more than anything. I-I-" Jace was unable to continue as the tears flowed freely and the lump in his throat swelled up to render him speechless. This had been such a bad idea because now that he was crying he wasn't sure he'd be able to stop.

"Jace," The voice was deep and the arms that came around him were much more familiar than even Alec's. He turned to bury his face in his father's soft, favorite blue sweater. Somehow Will was there, and he'd make sure Jace got put back together again. "He knows how much you loved him baby, and he'd never blame you. He loved you so much Jace."

"H-how long have you been here?" Jace asked, horrified that somehow Will might have found out his son having a child at a gravesite.

"Not long," Will answered as he held him close and ran a hand through his hair. Jace leaned his head on Will's shoulder and tried to make the tears stop completely.

"Do you think we're going to see him again? Do you think we're going to have a life after this one?" Jace asked in small voice.

"I know that if we do," Will said into his hair. "That your father will find us again. I know that we were meant to be a family."

"Are you okay?" Jace looked up to see Alec standing with a thermos of coffee in his hands and Magnus's arm tight around his shoulders. Their eyes were tinged with red as well, each remembering their own time with James.

"Yeah, sorry," Jace apologized as he made to get up. Will held him in place.

"Don't be sorry, we can sit here as long as you need to. Maybe we need to stop pretending like nothing's happened. Maybe we need to feel this in order to feel better." Will settled more comfortably on the ground and Jace followed his example.

"Alright, we'll give you two some time then. See you for dinner?" Magnus said as he let go of his hold of Alec momentarily to hug them both gently. He pulled Jace to him tightly and Jace found he appreciated it more than he could have said. "Tell him, Jace, it won't be so bad. You should tell him because he loves you very much."

"Okay," Jace said softly as Magnus drew back and rejoined hands with Alec and tugged him to begin their walk home. Jace took a deep breath and thought maybe Jem could be here for this important conversation after all. He could certainly feel him here, if only for today.

MBALMBALMBAL

"Do you think we're meant to be?" Alec asked as his tears finally dried completely and he was feeling a bit warmer. The streets weren't as quiet as before, but not as busy as an ordinary day. They stuck to side streets as they walked home with their fingers intertwined. Magnus and Will had shown up at exactly the right time. Alec may have been the one to get Jace there, but WIll was the one who needed to take him home. "LIke, meant to meet and all that? Will mentioned it and it just got me thinking. Do you believe in fate?"

"It is too early to discuss philosophy," Magnus muttered which made Alec grin. Magnus as normally the one waking him up for absurd things. He bit his lip and wondered if Magnus was actually going to answer. They were blocks from their house when Magnus detoured them through a park, one they had been to numerous times over the years. It was the first park Alec had ever played in, and the place where he was planning on having their first date, whenever life let them get a break.

"I thought you were cold," Alec teased him as he wrapped an arm around his waist. Magnus's arm settled around his shoulders as their pace slowed.

"Oh believe me, this is way too cold for me to be outside. I wanted to answer your question somewhere quiet. It's important and I wanted a moment." Magnus fell silent again for a long moment as they walked admiring the beautiful silence around them. "I don't want to say you were meant to lose your parents because that's awful, what they did to you. You should have grown up with your family. Do I think that you made me the person I am now? Do I think you were a part of my story that would never be the same without you? That is an absolute yes. I like to think we would have found each other no matter however our stories played out. I think things turn out how they're meant to. And you? What do you think Mr. Lightwood?"

"I think," Alec said softly as emotion came over him unexpectedly causing him to tear up again. He pulled Magnus to a stop and stepped around so he could meet his eyes. Magnus reached up a hand to softly brush the few tears away gently. "I think that you, us, the way we feel, doesn't happen twice. I think that you must be my once in a lifetime." Alec pulled Magnus into a kiss that immediately heated any trace of cold they felt. Their lips collided with passion, love, and trust. Alec reached his hands up to tangle in Magnus's hair as the older man's hands settled on his lower back to pull him closer. His skin was on fire everywhere he was touching Magnus as their lips brushed together over and over so that his head was whirling with all the feeling. Not only did Alec always feel on fire, his heart would sing every time Magnus kissed him as if he was the most important, precious person on the planet. It was the way Magnus was always there for a hand to hold or a laugh to share. He was there to tell him when he was being a idiot, and never condemning him for that. Alec had watched Will and Jem for the last nine years be ridiculously in love, and he dared to believe they might have the same thing. They might be the couple still holding hands and giggling twenty years from now.

"We should get inside," Magnus said raggedly as he pulled away. "Before we get charged with public indecency by some bored cop today."

"Let's go home and get ready for tonight. We have a dinner to host." Alec held out his hand and wore a grin threatening to split his face in two.

NIne hours later their apartment was full of people they loved with the food nearly all eaten and drinks being generously poured. The only people missing that would make the night complete were Izzy and Max, but Alec had skyped them earlier and wished them a Happy Christmas. They had to spend it with their grandparents and promised to try to sneak away tomorrow for a visit. This Christmas Eve was the way they always were. Will and Jace took one couch sprawled out with their legs tangled together in the middle. Ragnor occupied the armchair with Raphael happily sprawled at his feet with his head leaning against his boyfriend's knee. That left Magnus and Alec with the loveseat, not that they minded. The park had marked some kind of important moment for them and they hadn't been able to keep their hands off each other since. Dinner was very nearly late because they forgot to order it when they should have. It was only because they were such regular customers it got there at a reasonable time at all.

Their dinner had been a buffet of pizza, curry, a bit of Italian, and finishing off with Chinese. The only food they ordered was the Chinese with the rest being bought beforehand. It was a far cry from their usual feast, but it was enough to keep them full and sated the rest of the night.

"Why did I have that last eggroll?" WIll moaned as he laid his head back against the back of the couch. "Seriously, that was the biggest mistake. I think I might have to just sleep here."

"We do have a spare bedroom." Alec piped in which made Magnus snort loudly and Jace to grin wickedly.

"That was the most junk food I've had in months. My last six months of working out just went to waste, " Raphael said as he grabbed the remote to the stereo. "That song is awful."

"Who doesn't like 'Grandma got run over by a reindeer?'" Magnus asked, nearly pulling off his genuine shocked look.

"Anyone with ears," Will retorted. "Thank you for having sense."

"So, shall we do presents?" Ragnor suggested, looking the most alert of all of them. Alec figured he must have some ulterior motive to not be joining them in the post dinner haze the rest of them were happily floating in.

"Where's the bag?" Rpahael mumbled as he was forced to sit up fully when Ragnor stood.

"I thought I'd give you one first." Ragnor said as he bit his lip. Magnus had sported a grin that told Alec he once more knew something his boyfriend didn't.

"What do you know?" Alec whispered as he poked him hard in the side. "Have you been keeping more secrets?"

"Just watch," Magnus whispered back. "You will like this."

"You and your secrets," Alec huffed and turned to see Raphael had gotten pulled to his feet reluctantly and pulled in front of the tree.

"What are you doing?" Raphael looked confused and suspicious all at once as he eyed Ragnor. "We do our gifts tomorrow."

"We do," Ragnor agreed as he gave him a small smile. "I have many more for you tomorrow, but this one needed to be done tonight." He took a deep breath and Alec noticed his hands were shaking a bit as he pulled at the hem of his sweater. He glanced between them for a few times before his brain snapped to a conclusion. A glance at Magnus's excited face told him that he was probably right. "You have been the most amazing boyfriend I could have ever asked for. You put up with my crazy, and my friends' crazy as well." Ragnor gestured around the room at the rest of them. "You understand me in every single way. I could never imagine loving anymore more than I love you."

"What is this?" Raphael muttered, unsure and unused to being spoken to this way,and in front of everyone else as well.

"This is such a long time coming and I have no idea what's taken me this long. I hope you don't mind putting up with me for the rest of our lives. I hope I can make you as happy as you make me." Ragnor took Raphael's smaller hand in his own as he went down on one knee. "Te casarias conmigo? Will you make me the happiest I could ever hope to be?"

"Amor," Raphael was speechless as he stared at the band lying on black velvet. It was gold with an intricate design between the edges. An opal was set in the center and it was absolutely beautiful. "The answer was always yes."

The room cheered as Ragnor pulled him into a passionate kiss. Alec locked eyes with the love of his life and only hoped that one day they would end up there. All their stupid problems behind them, married and blissfully happy. For a change, the thought didn't seem all that far off.

"Toast!" Magnus called as he pulled a bottle of wine from behind the couch, obviously having planned this. Will got up to help him arrange glasses for them. Raphael couldn't stop smiling as he gazed at the ring now donning his left hand. Ragnor met Alec's gaze and raised an eyebrow. Alec smiled in return and gave him a thumbs up.

"To Raphael and my best friend Ragnor!" Magnus began once they all had a generous glass of wine. "You guys took long enough to tie the knot, but I have no doubt you will be happy together the rest of your lives."

"While we're making toasts," Will cut in before they could all take a drink. "A toast to my son, Jace, and on his child to come. I think he's going to have it hard for a while, but he'll make an excellent father." He smiled at Jace and patted him on the shoulder.

"To Jem," Jace added in return. "To all the love and joy he brought to us. To hoping he's very happy tonight, wherever he is." Will pulled him in for a brief hug.

"To Alec," Magnus chimed in making the younger man go a deep shade of red. "He has made me so happy for the last few months, and I couldn't be more grateful. As a side note, he's also been clean for a month from any self harming behavior." Magnus beamed at him as he kissed him on the cheek.

"Cheers to that!" Ragnor and Jace called at the same time. Alec felt mortified, but also proud in a way. It was nice to know Magnus knew what a big deal this was for him, but he wished he wouldn't have to say it to anyone else.

"To family," Alec said quietly as he raised his glass. "I've learned this year that your family is who you make it. You guys are my family, and that's enough for me."

"To all of us," Jace finished at last. "To crazy car crashes, and shitty boyfriends. To discovering who we are and making it through the last few months together. To ends and new beginnings. I really hope next Christmas finds us all together again, maybe just a little bit better than today."

"Cheers!" Everyone cried in unison as they took a long drink. The music was turned back up and most of them resumed their customary lounging places.

It was nearly two in the morning by the time they got the apartment to themselves again. All was quiet as they laid in bed, Alec wrapped up in Magnus's arms. They had vowed twenty-four days ago to make this their best Christmas yet. Alec rather thought they had succeeded on that front.

"Are you happy?" Magnus whispered into his neck. He rubbed Alec's arm soothingly while planting light kisses along his shoulder.

"Happier than I've ever been," Alec replied without hesitation. He couldn't have ever imagined getting here even a month ago. He had thought his world was falling apart, when it was really only shifting to something better. "What about you? Are you happy?"

"Have been since I met you," Magnus hugged him close. "I'm happy for Ragnor. He seemed happy."

"Yeah, they're good together." Alec agreed. He bit his lip as he thought how to form his next thought. "Do you think all of that is in the cards for us? Do you think we're going to end up happy? I want us to."

"I think we definitely will Alexander," Magnus sighed sleepily. Alec could hardly believe they had truly made it through the last few months, all of them. He had survived the worst months of his life, and while he had a feeling more bad times were inevitable he felt like they definitely deserved some happier times ahead

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay hello everyone! I saved my spiel for the end this time because as the last chapter it deserved your undivided attention. We have reached the end to this story. This story has literally changed my life in a lot of ways. It was so much fun to write and push my writing to the limits. I have made some amazing friends over the course of writing this story. Eli being one of my closest friends now thanks to this fic, and I love her to pieces. She has made me such a better writer and I thank her for that.
> 
> It was a hard decision to end this fic here, which is partly why the update took so long. I had to figure out if there was more story to tell, or if this was the end of the road. I'm sorry for the few months of waiting, but I sincerely hope it was worth it.
> 
> Thanks to all of you for your love, support, and reviews! Without you this story probably would have fizzled out and died long ago. If you want to see more of my writing check out my tumblr at .com! Keep your eyes pealed because I'm sure there will be another project up and running from me before too long. Any suggestions are of course welcome. Bye for now everyone!


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